A Sister for Your Mister

"Brother", "Sister", "Friend"...In the Christian world, we deem one another blood-relational pet names to avoid confusion of sending mixed messages. Christian terms of endearment were established by someone who wanted to passively communicate "You and I have no romantic feelings for one another." Okay, so perhaps these titles didn't originate from this type of motivation, but if you've spent any time in a Christian circle lately, you know it is true. By suggesting your friendship to that of one that is blood related, you are implying to the other person one of two things:

1. We are so close but I'd NEVER date you.

2. I know you like me but kissing you would be like kissing my COUSIN.

Although in some parts of the country that'd be socially acceptable, we should probably come to grips with the fact that no one wants to be thought of by someone that they are attracted to as "related". The kicker is when the word "little" is thrown into the mix. First, you called me your sibling and now you have to twist the dagger by adding a hint of belittlement to the phrase?

Now, some of you may argue that these words genuinely can be used to affirm friends of your closeness. I would entirely agree with that. My friend from home and I have called each other "bro" and "sis" for the past 7 years. We both know that we'd never date though and that is why there is no hidden motivation in using the terms. We've communicated clearly our expectations of one another, and romance isn't one of them.

I've seen several women on the flip-side of this concept. A friend of mine in high school would give men the idea that she was their "little sister". So much so that she'd make them comfortable enough to share their hearts and invest quality time in the relationship, all under the false sense of security that she viewed them platonically. Once that trust was built, she would use it as leverage to present herself as a real catch, claiming that she was the only one who understood them or that their connection ran deep.

By seeing each other as "Christian siblings", we can run the risk of experiencing similar situations. I personally believe that we should restore the use of the terms to genuinely meaning seeing each other as the body of Christ. This may get far too spiritual for your taste, but I'd personally rather have the terms remain genuine and to the point than a sneak attack DTR bypass any day.

See, being brothers and sisters should mean that we keep one another's hearts at the forefront of our interactions. Family provides protection. Family means that we understand one another, seek to love each other and develop relationships that keep one another's integrity in check. If I wanted to kiss a cousin I'd ask one of mine on a date. I don't want to view the man of my dreams as someone related to me. Let your brothers be brothers and your boyfriends be boyfriends.

This is where it gets a little tricky. So many of my friends ask me my view on friendship prior relationship. Although it can be done, I don't know if I believe it is ideal. I think getting to know someone outside of romantic interest provides a realistic perspective of who they are. The minute romance enters the picture, it is far easier to throw character flaws to the wind and "just go for it." I hate that mentality. When you've been guarding your heart as long as I have, you be believe I'm not about to throw anything anywhere.

The problem I see developing with this "friends first" concept is the struggle to maintain healthy physical chemistry later on. As I said before, I'm not about to kiss a cousin so if I am involved in a strong friendship with someone I am far less likely to view them as someone I would date. I struggle to mentally transition from friend to boyfriend. If he is a good friend of mine I will often be rather hesitant in moving forward for the risk of losing the closeness that we do have. I don't care what people say, once physical intimacy has started, the friendship won't ever be the same.

So what is a boy to do? I mean is there a solid testing ground for friendships to try dating without being ruined if it doesn't work out? I believe that there is. It is called a date, and you should try it out. Not a marriage, engagement, commitment, or status change on Facebook but a real date. In fact, if it is a close friend I'd even go as far as suggesting a few of them to try things out.

Now here is the best piece of advice I could give you. Boundaries. Have clear set boundaries before entering the date, as you should with anyone you go out with. I don't mean sit the person down and tell them that this is what you expect, but know in your own heart and mind what you are looking for out of it. I don't think you could ever be too careful in letting the physical aspect of the date go at a slow but steady pace. Don't dive right in to having to make out with your closest guyfriend to see if there is something more. Rather ease into the romantic mindset of enjoying one another's company in the date setting. That step alone will be crucial in transitioning to more if this is someone you genuinely want to be with.

Honestly, I do love a good surprise every now and then and for me, I've realized the beauty in dating someone who originated as a friend. I think it is such an incredible thing to be able to be there for one another without the hidden manipulation of wanting more out of it. I still don't know if it is ideal, but I do believe that it can lay a strong foundation for something that is long-lasting rather than temporary. That is why I do think if you start to make that transition you should take your time with it, because it is definitely a process!

Lastly, please do yourself a favor and tell the person you aren't interested in that you enjoy them as a friend and friend alone. I would far more appreciate a guy sitting me down and telling me that he isn't feeling it over calling me his little sister to get the point across. I still call several women in my life "sister" and men "brother". I think the terms can be used with the right intention in mind, but I'd challenge you to check your heart the next time you get into a similar situation. I think it is far more sisterly to say exactly what you mean rather than beat around the bush and leave him guessing!

Love,

Kendra S. Wise

The Waiting Game

“When the going get’s tough…”, “Making lemons into…”, “When you get kicked off of that horse…”, “Try, try and…” Sayings are quite common these days when life gets tough. When things get hard it seems as though there is a universal mentality to push through for if you don’t you will fail. This is common sense. If you don’t try then you won’t succeed. But what about when you do try, in fact you continue to try and try and try and still find yourself exactly where you started?

Did you know that several people have commented on how lucky the man is who gets to marry me? I love it. I really do! It is just such a sweet reminder that someday someone will be blessed by the relationship that we can have together. The problem is that the comments tend to be bittersweet, especially when they suggest that perhaps I am just to be patient. You see, being patient is something I thrive in. In fact I am so good at being patient that I tend to miss out on several opportunities. The upside is that I also miss out on several negative situations and thus remain protected as well.

The real problem is waiting. There is a BIG difference to me from waiting versus being patient. See, patience relies on staying put with no intended outcome. For instance, I could be patient in wanting a husband one day. I don’t necessarily know who it is or when I’ll meet him but I am perfectly content staying put until God makes it very clear. Now “staying put” is somewhat of a stretch because I tend to be an actively patient person, meaning that I will utilize the time I do have for better things such as writing this book or learning a new talent like guitar playing, or investing in a ministry opportunity. Waiting is the concept of knowing what outcome will be and having to wait to receive it. For instance, if I have someone in mind who I would like to get to know on a more personal level, but knowing that the timing is off right now. That kind of waiting I officially suck at.

Now you may think that they are the same, but for me my life is testimony to the truth of my two definitions. I was patient for over a year for someone. I had no solid affirmation that anything would happen at the end of the year, but I still stayed put, knowing that I could be patient forever if he needed it. It was entirely unrealistic, and perhaps that is what hooked me in. Now how it ended was not entirely his fault, for I also remained silent during the patience period. This is one that I still have no idea how to act in. How do you treat someone you like as though you don’t, knowing this isn’t the right time, but still give him the confidence to pursue you in the future? You’ll have to ask someone else about that one!

The waiting game is so much more about taking signals, guessing, assuming, idealizing, and romanticizing things. It puts everything on a dramatic scale from text messages to late night chats to silly gestures to whatever it may be! Women, including myself, become oversensitive to actions and become so analytical that they talk themselves into or out of falling for that person on a deeper level. This has happened to me numerous times in my life. It actually almost puts my over-guilty conscience into a state of wanting to apologize for it. I actually find myself feeling sorry to the guy who I like for making such a big deal about things!

As I was expressing this to a friend earlier today, she gave me a piece of advice that I will never forget. She told me that we should expect. That word “expect”, it freaks me out a bit. I have never been one to EXPECT someone would fall for me. I have always just assumed that a guy wouldn’t until he said something about it. As over-dramatizing women can be about the waiting period, they shouldn’t feel sorry for taking actions incorrectly if they are depicted in the real world as misleading. For instance, if a man spends all his time with you, woos you, and gives you the impression he wants more, then you shouldn’t be sorry for taking things wrongly. It is so difficult though because it isn’t black and white.

I have seen so many women be led on by men by taking certain things wrongly. Sometimes, it is a little ridiculous the things that they do take as men pursuing them. Once I had a friend tell me she though this guy was interested because he needed help on his homework. The poor kid genuinely needed help on his homework! It is like guys don’t have a chance anymore just to be nice! But on the flipside I had another friend who was treated as a guy’s girlfriend for a few months until he said something about how he wasn’t interested…she was crushed, but almost felt like she had made it all up in her head. I personally got to watch the situation unfold, and I can tell you that it most definitely wasn’t her fault alone!

So what is a girl to do? When a guy likes me, I give him the confidence to ask me out by being supportive, encouraging, and caring. I treat him and him alone a specific way so that if he asked around or saw me interact with other guys there would be no question in his mind that he is special. It is honestly the best I can do without spelling it out for him. If a guy still isn’t taking the hint, then I get stuck. I still want a guy to pursue me. I don’t want to have to be the one who says it first or asks him out. A friend of mine went ten hours out of his way once to just talk to the girl he liked, so I know guys have it in them. If he doesn’t ask me out I take it as him not being interested and move on. Once I did that with a friend of mine, then after I had already moved on he told me that he liked me. I was crushed. He told me that sometimes guys just need more time. This still puts the girl in a tough situation! So are you saying I should 1.Give a guy confidence to ask me out. 2. Wait for the one I do want. 3. If he isn’t interested give him time. Okay, but then what if there are other opportunities happening all around me that I am missing out on as a result, especially if the guy doesn’t end up feeling the same?

You probably would give me the advice that if I “really like him” it shouldn’t matter. I agree with you, but my heart has been hurt so many times before that just sitting there, turning down other offers, and waiting like some love sick puppy makes me feel vulnerable, afraid, and like my defenses are down. It is in this stage that Satan begins to play on my insecurities, “You aren’t good enough.” “If you were just (fill in the blank)” “You should just find someone else, he doesn’t care about you anyway.” It is awful and I feel like a fool. The biggest fear of my life is that I will not follow the will of God. That fear alone has kept me entirely locked up from any man trying to pursue me.

So the whole game puts to me is just a lose-lose situation, and why would I want to invest in that? Because sometimes, regardless of how much you don’t want to, you can’t help it. Sometimes you don’t get to choose when to give up, or when to stop caring. Sometimes regardless of their desire for you, you will still desire them. That is what I learned today. I learned that the waiting game isn’t a game at all, it is more of stage of life and relationship. It is necessary because it challenges you to grow. I have had to rely on the Lord more and more through it because two sinful, damaged people will fail each other. Regardless of sending and receiving messages, two people in any situation will still benefit one another if they are earnestly seeking God’s will in their lives.

This is what my book is about, it is about what to do in this process. It is about how to be pursued, to pursue, and to live in a way that restores opportunities to being genuine opportunities, manipulation aside! It is time to do this, for reals!

This Kiss!

Have you ever seen a metronome? It allows you to choose the speed at which you’d like to perform a piece of music, and keeps you in line with a short ticking or beeping sound. I wish there was something like a metronome in relationships. Sometimes I think that we are so adamant about selecting a speed at the beginning, and suddenly tuning it out as we go about our relationships. I had a friend once tell me that he and his girlfriend of two weeks had set a goal of not kissing until they were engaged…two weeks later, it happened and their plan quickly changed.

Goals are tough. I am currently in a battle with my weight of trying to reach a healthy number on the scale. I have a specific goal for December, and have already made large strides in getting there. The problem is that I don’t expect to simply lose the weight. I have to take precautions, such as sticking to healthy foods, working out on a daily basis, drinking large amounts of water throughout the day, and finding the time to sleep at least six to eight hours. Those are realistic ways in which I can aim to reach the long-term goal in this moment.

The minute that we forget the in-between time we have little hope of achieving the idealistic outcome. Although it is common sense, we can also go entirely the opposite way in making our daily choices unrealistic, disciplinary, and over-bearing. Last night I indulged in a few Hershey kisses and felt so guilty for essentially “cheating” on my goals. The problem is that the few pieces of chocolate I had really had no affect on the outcome, nor were they “bad for me”. If we aren’t careful, we can suddenly make the things that aren’t bad awful, and cheat ourselves out of enjoying the little things we used to love.

So where is the happy medium? A speaker a few years back came to Biola and brought to the stage a married couple. She explained the steps that normal couples “should” take which ranged from a hug, to a hand-hold, to a peck on the cheek, to a kiss. The final kiss wasn’t a full make-out. She explained that kissing isn’t necessarily bad, it is when it is taken to the point of lusting, falling, or leading towards something inappropriate that it should be stopped.

But how do you stop something that essentially feels good? Last night I had a whole bowl of Hershey kisses sitting in front me. To avoid eating the whole thing I grabbed ten out of the bowl and placed them next to me on the couch. I took my time, eating one every so often. Not only was I satisfied at the end, but I enjoyed it and I didn’t want to eat any more! For some people, ten may sound overindulging, for others it may seem like I was a chocolate Nazi of some sort! For me, it was just right.

That is why I don’t think you can ever give someone “10 Basic Principles to a Glorifying Relationship”, or “How to be Pure with Your Boyfriend”. I think it has to stem from knowing yourself, your heart, and your intentions. I personally don’t know if I could kiss someone and walk away knowing that it should just end there. Then again, if I am blessed enough to have someone who knows my past and my insecurities enough to help me not be in situations where I could jeopordize my goals, then maybe a short kiss could be something realistic?

I can tell you one thing though, I will want to hold my boyfriend’s hand. I will want to embrace the little things and appreciate them for what they are. I don’t want to feel guilty because I am expressing my care for someone in a way that I wouldn’t personally deem as inappropriate, or leading somewhere. I think you have to first ask yourself where your limitations are. I think second you need to discuss with who you are dating what you both hope to see as a goal in your relationship, whether physically, emotionally, spiritually. I also think as dorky as it may sound, that you should pray through the realistic daily choices you need to make in order to get there! So whether it is a Hershey kiss, or a real one, I’d ask you to take an approach that doesn’t land you in guilt and shame for the good nor one that lands you in indulging in the bad! Just a thought J

Kendra

P.s.-By setting the pace together for your relationship, perhaps the metronome becomes God, your hearts, and being held accountable to your goals all wrapped into one!

When Riding a Bike...

Yesterday on my ride home from the bank I was flying down Beach Boulevard with the wind in my hair, not a care in the world! I was so caught up in my own free version of Thunder Mountain Railroad that I may have accidentally missed the sidewalk entirely and landed in a bush. Well, as I was enjoying my sudden jolt into Disney’s Jungle Cruise, a thought ran across my mind…if I had simply pumped the brakes a tad bit I would most likely have not landed in this ridiculous predicament. In order not to look like an entire fool, I began fussing with the gears and checking the chains pretending as though something had gone wrong…that something was my own ignorance. Regardless, I hoped on the bike and was off a grueling twenty minutes of California heat left on my ride, yet for some reason I was too busy to notice as my mind went racing.

Riding a bike is no simple task. I didn’t learn until I was around nine or ten years old. Yes, I understand that it is a little ridiculous, but some adults go their entire lives without knowing how to stray away from training wheels. I even remember a bike ride when I was younger where my sister threatened to tell on some neighborhood girls who kept pestering me about my training wheels dragging on the back. The saddest part of the whole ordeal was that I had a normal kid bike so we just attached some extra wheels but it looked ridiculously out of the norm. Not going to lie, if I saw my child self-peddling along on that thing nowadays I probably would have poked fun too!

Riding to and from school I’ve started to master the art of coasting. Once you get that bike to a certain point, you can basically coast for a good length of the road without much effort. The other day I started to realize how much I had forgotten the one rule of coasting…when going downhill you GAIN speed. Now, many of you may be rolling your eyes, but unfortunately the forgetting of this rather common sense concept was what landed me in the dumb bush in the first place. I forgot so quickly that coasting often is a way of you to check out from what you are doing. The same thing happens sometimes when I drive home from work. I always manage to get home safely, and I never fall asleep at the wheel, but sometimes I completely forgot how I got from point A to point B! Scary.

When we let ourselves go on autopilot we are at risk of missing out on what is happening in the moment. A good friend of mine told me last night the importance of experiencing what is happening now and appreciating it for what it is. It is such a simple concept, which is most likely why it is so easy to forget! The problem is that the more checked out we become, the faster life seems to flash by. Graduation is right around the corner and I don’t want to let this year become another of simply coasting through. I get too concerned with the future, and so focused on what is to come that I entirely forget about what is happening in the moment!

Not only do I forget, but sometimes I check out to protect myself. You see, I have one of the most blessed lives out there. I have an incredible family, wonderful friends, and each day I get to serve God, which is pretty legit. There are several times though in which I expect that the best moments in my life will be quickly followed by the worst. It is horrible thinking but I swear I have this idea somehow that when good things are happening something bad has to be around the corner. I have been reading James and it is all about allowing yourself to be challenged by trials. I think sometimes I assume that trials are necessary for me to grow and thus the times of good are going to be followed by something terrible so I can learn. It is awful but checking out or expecting the worst is just as bad as coasting through it!

God has been teaching me that it is in these times of blessing which thanksgiving is so much more vivid! That should never stop in the times of hardship, but it gives me time to reflect and appreciate the love that the Father pours out! Praise Him for these times for it is in them that I can truly grow in my ability to see and understand more of His love! Just a little reminder, especially on my rides that it isn’t about getting home the quickest route, but enjoying each moment along the way!

Love,

Kendra

Ms. Know It All

Dear Readers,

I apologize for the ridiculous amount of time that has passed since our last encounter. I wish I could tell you that I was off on a thrilling adventure, or too busy taking my own advice and falling in love, but to avoid blatantly lying through my teeth I might as well tell you that I just so happened to be doing a whole lot of nothing. It was sheer laziness with a hint of preservation of my own vulnerability that has kept my typing hands locked away for hours upon end. Although I don’t think much of what I would have written would have been too helpful these last few months due to some rather “confusing” and “thought-consuming” controversies I had been processing through on love. But I LOVE to keep you guessing as you already know so we will just have to watch that one unravel a bit later.

Where do I start today? Well currently, I am bloated, sweaty, and a bit on the stinky side after a wonderful but deodorant testing weekend at Dana Point with my leadership team. The humidity was rather unwelcoming and left my hair with a parting favor of frizz and grease. As much fun as I did have though, I would have to say it was rather worth it. Here I am, 21-years-old, starting what is supposed to be one of the most thrilling years of a girl’s life and I’m sitting typing away living in some fantasy land of boundaries, how-to’s, and what not to do’s.

You know, one thing I have taken away from this summer (among several of course), is that perhaps being your faithful dating advisor is that I am entirely out of the loop when it comes to really putting my stuff into practice. Next Saturday I will be standing in a wedding of two incredible individuals, pouring their hearts out for one another and glorifying the Lord in the union of their commitment to one another for life. How beautiful is that? The crazy thing is that one of the main reasons I have received such an honor of standing near the bride is due to her utilizing much of what I stand for and write in her relationship with her fiancé. She is getting married! Hello...I mean if someone else can put it to such good use than what on earth am I doing wrong?

To be honest…quite a lot. Two summers ago I was an idiot. I fell for someone entirely unrealistic and it landed me in a downward spiral of questioning and over-analyzing that no woman should, yet all women do bare. Why do we do that to ourselves? We spend so much energy telling ourselves that we should “just let it go”, “he isn’t the one”, “wait for Mr. Perfect”. We find every excuse in the world to somehow protect ourselves from physical imperfections to terrible relationships with their mothers and yet the more time we spend so enthralled by convincing ourselves out of something we wind up smack dab in the middle of falling in flove!

*Flove (Fake Love): Our idealistic, over-dramatized concept of what love should be based off of chick flicks, Nicholas Sparks, and Taylor Swift

Don’t get me wrong, I believe that love should be an experience that truly flourishes and grows daily, but for some reason I have all these silly preconceptions of how it SHOULD be. Then I end up scaring myself out of any opportunity of it as a result of not even knowing what a real, genuine love looks like. Take my parents for example, their love has lasted several years and is one of the best representations of a relationship I hope to one day model, but I never got to see how it all began. No one has ever told me how it all is supposed to begin? Perhaps because it isn’t SUPPOSED to begin any sort of way, it just does.

You know, as I write this book I feel like the biggest piece of advice I could give a girl is not to follow my example of how I lived, but how to take the wisdom I gained from my mistakes without having to experience the mistakes herself. The problem is that for each individual those mistakes will appear different. I can advise and counsel and work through situations with each person that asks me how to “solve” their relationship troubles, but that doesn’t change the fact that it will always be THEIRS.

So, what does that look like for me? I used to have this picture of a man pursuing me in a way that was so honest. I wanted someone to tell me straight up that they wanted to pursue me, I’m the kind of girl that needs that after what I’ve been through because honestly the whole actions speak louder than words thing for me is a bit tough to fathom these days. Actions can be entirely misinterpreted, but words can affirm or discourage in such a blatant way. That is why I need someone honest, because I trust words far more than what someone does. I know it is usually entirely opposite for people, but hey that is what my past situations have taught me.

A guy pursued me once though who said everything he felt, to the point of freaking me out because I was so taken back by the abruptness of it. I felt as though he was almost needy, or desperate, and ended up calling it quits after one or two dates. That is when I realized that I can have a beautiful concept of what I’m looking for in my head, but sometimes it comes in an entirely different way. I don’t let myself fall too easily these days, but at the same time once the walls are down it is pretty hard for me to build them back up. I’m starting to understand that I know less and less of what I thought I knew about how to be pursued and more and more about how to live in the mystery of it. I’ve learned that I enjoy the mysterious aspect of not fully knowing if someone is crushing on me or not, it is kind of fun! The problem is that any crush with no follow through is just that…a CRUSH.

Standing in between the tension of honesty and mystery has become one of the most challenging things for me as a woman. Mainly because I don’t believe it is my responsibility to blatantly throw out how I feel to someone, especially if their reciprocation of the feeling is in question. So then what? Wait? Be patient? All my life people have told me to wait and be patient. I can wait for hours and days and weeks and months and even years until the Lord makes it clear if or who or that there is a man for me, but what I am still asking is what am I to do while I wait? Now that is the real question.

--I’ll write soon,

Kendra

A Change of Perspective

So I am currently working at a camp this summer, and last night on our drive home from an In-N-Out midnight run, I started to register that perhaps this single life I live is a lot more simple than I once understood. Let me explain. Yesterday during church the pastor shared a story of how his wife once had cancer. During that time he surrendered any prayer life focused on asking God to take that cancer away. He explained that several people believed him to be a poor husband because he chose to do so, but then he related it to when his kids come and ask him for food. When his children say they are hungry, he doesn’t ask them to prove to him that they are legitimately starving, but rather he finds an appropriate choice of food to feed them with. He doesn’t give them what they necessarily want, like pancakes and ice cream, but he gives them what he knows they need to live a healthy life.

As I sat there and listened, the thought of my prayer life being surrounded on one thing came into my head. While I do believe it is beneficial to pray to God about the things we both want and need, the pastor explained that we should go beyond the prayers that God already knows. In fact, he even shared that God isn’t deaf, so if we repeatedly ask and ask and ask, it isn’t that He is ignoring us or doesn’t hear it, it is that His will is for us to not receive that within the moment, or perhaps not at all. So how does this relate? Well, to me, I started to understand that rather than spending countless hours praying against having a desire to be married or in relationship, I should instead surrender in a different sense. I’ve never really thought about not asking God for someone to share my life with. He knows that I so desire to be in a relationship one day, so instead of asking Him on a daily basis to live against that desire, I want to focus my attention to other aspects of life, trusting in the fact that God knows my heart and what I long for.

As we drove back to camp last night we played a game about who on staff we would rather marry. Although it was fun, I have to admit, it got me thinking for sure. Why is it that we compare one person to another? This morning on my walk I took a break midway and talked with God about the physical body that I have. I am so blessed to have an active and healthy body, one that I can run and jump and dance with. I am not a small girl nor big, but I don’t take care of myself in the way that I should. I don’t eat what is good from me and I don’t exactly workout on a regular basis. This is the body I am blessed with however, and I’m learning that taking care of it is a way which I can worship the Lord. Last night during the game I found myself questioning what comparisons men would make about me. Not going to lie, the majority of their answers included an explanation of the physical appearance of the girls they were comparing. What a dangerous game! As I walked away after the car ride, I turned to my friend and shared that the game we were playing could be rather insulting.

Although the men didn’t really read into it as much, I started to look at myself as someone who would be available to pursue. I am in the body that I have been blessed with, and one day I will hopefully be attractive to a man who I in turn appreciate physically. That is the nicest way I can put that I want my man to be hot as can be, and in return I want to be just as hot to him. Being at camp, I’m starting to gain a better understanding of who I am. I am learning things I love, things I hate, things that make me happy and things that make me frustrated. As I am learning, I am also becoming more and more comfortable in my own skin. I am tired of constantly seeking to be skinnier or a size smaller or physically compatible with someone I like. The truth is that if I am not what that person is looking for, I’d rather have my heart spared and press into God’s will.

That is the other thing that I talked through with God this morning. I thanked the Lord for all the pain I have been spared from relationally. In high school and college I thought I was just that much of a turn-off to not gain the attention of the boys I would be attracted to. Although that probably factors in (that isn’t a diss to myself, but a little bit realistic), I think a lot of it has to do with God protecting me. So now that I have stopped asking for it to be taking away, or to have a relationship one day and I’m learning to view myself as a woman that God delights in, I’m starting to enjoy each day a bit more! In fact, I haven’t felt this spirit-filled since Freshmen year of college, and I’m honestly just loving being used in this place! I know this was a bit scatterbrained, but I am in camp mode and I just thought I would share with you where I am at!

Love,

Kendra

When Time Stands Still

Good afternoon my lovely readers, although there are only 13 of you in total I still want to thank you for being patient with me as finals have put me at a complete stop in my writing. When I went home for break I was determined to make my goal of three chapters completed, and came back to Los Angeles with only one and a half even done.

That is the thing about goals sometimes, we have to make them realistic in order for us to actually accomplish them on our own two feet. Then again, any accomplishment I've ever made has not been without the incredible power of God alongside me, and I mean that. So maybe then my goals shouldn't be necessarily realistic, because realistic would be me getting anything done at all, but rather marked by a characteristic of faith that they would one day be accomplished.

So here I am, sitting at the bread shop on the corner across from school, writing to you before I embark on the next adventure of my life. I will be spending two months at a camp in Santa Rosa, California, being somewhat of a head female counselor and program runner. I am excited, to say the least, but I hope to get some prime time writing in before I return home!

The other day I was privileged to meet up with some friends from my study abroad program in New Zealand. As my friend from California left the table to grab some napkins, I took the time to apologize for my lack of maturity during my stay there. They welcomed my apology but on my way home I started to consider the pattern I have been making for myself.

When I left New Zealand I had to make a choice between Biola and Texas. I chose Biola out of faith that I knew God wanted me to return. In order to transition back in, I e-mailed my professors and apologized for who I was my first two years at the school. I wasn't a crazy partier or anything, but I did my fair share of being lazy, turning in assignments late, and even missing class. So I wrote the e-mail, and heard back from a few encouraging me to return to Biola in order to show the change that God had done in my life.

As I drove home from dinner last night, I realized this pattern of being someone I'm not, leaving, growing, and then apologizing is not a good one to set for myself as I journey into the real world. Here I am, about to take part in another important time of my life, and the last thing I would want to do is go through it, leave and write an apology letter months later for not being the woman I am. Thankfully, God has blessed me with this realization now.

I never was one to ask forgiveness versus permission, but perhaps that was because my entire lifestyle was a testimony to that concept, so I just never saw myself actually acting it out. I am so tired of being the woman who choses to grow after the situation has happened. I consider myself a rather honest person, never afraid to speak my mind. Perhaps I should, with discernment and grace, begin speaking it a little bit more in the moment than months after. I've missed out on several opportunities in my life because of this way of thinking, and I'm rather sick of it.

Praise God for self awareness. As I journey into this new chapter, I ask God for the ability to see when I start to fall into that pattern again. I don't want to be someone who has to constantly go back and prove myself. It all started my first summer on camp at Tadmor. I hated who I was that first year, so I returned the second year and was so busy trying to prove myself, I forget the heart of why I was there in the first place. Then, I found Discovery, where I was given a wake-up call that no matter what I did to prove myself, I would never be the "ideal guide", so I had to come to grips with being the ideal Kendra first. That took a lot of humiliation, several failed attempts at rapids I couldn't seem to hit, a one hour rock climbing experience that took other guides about ten to fifteen minutes to complete, and a summer that radically changed my life.

I finally am glad to be exactly where I am, exactly who I am, and I'm not apologizing for who I have been these last few months. I am learning. Of course there are things I will do wrong and things I will need forgiveness for, but rather than not taking daily opportunities to grow and speak and share and be poured into, I want to make sure each moment of the day is seized.

So in that, I am sorry I haven't posted much lately, I have some very important things to share with you, but I wanted you to know where I was during this time! Thanks for listening, and press in during these next few weeks to what God has in store...pray I will be too.

Love,

Kendra