The teasing got worse as I got older. Suddenly it wasn't just my weight that was an issue. Boys at school started mocking the way I walked, talked, and even laughed. I started to be seen as a loner, and somehow found favor with the class ahead of mine. They took me in, which caused even more of a split between my fellow classmates and me. I hated grade school, and high school wasn't much different. I remember on one of our first school field trips to the beach, I was invited to sit with the senior boys in the back of the bus. After a few minutes of convincing me to go that one of them wanted to ask me to homecoming, they started picking apart how I dressed. The told me to wear more makeup, dye my hair blond, and wear clothes that fit better. I wish I was kidding, but once I heard what they wanted I couldn't help but seek to fit it.
Here I am, 21 years old, and still struggling with the same root issue. Insecurity stems from believing that you aren't good enough. It doesn't always have to do with weight, or looks, it can often spread into areas of ability such as school or sports. Whatever your personal insecurity may be, I can attest to knowing how difficult it is to have one. I recently started doing "Insanity", and am on a new health kick where I cut out all gluten, white sugar, and corn. I am only on day seven, and I am still struggling to ensure that my motivation remain pure in seeking to take care of the body God has given me, not to change the one I already have to fit my own standards of beautiful.
It is so hard for women sometimes because as much as we are in the Christian circle of "everyone is beautiful" thinking, it doesn't change the fact that Christian men still find attractive physical appearance very similar to those displayed by the secular industries. Even being a woman, I can testify to viewing "hot" as Ryan Gosling with the jawline of Channing Tatum, and the voice of Jason Mraz. Just because I'm Christian doesn't mean I get blessed with being blinded to the mainstream view of handsome. Similarly, men don't seem to be unfazed by what society deems beautiful either.
Just because I am in a relationship with the most amazing man I have known to date doesn't mean that I still don't struggle with the insecurity either. Women often fall under the line of thinking, "If I just find someone who loves me as I am...I'll be okay." While my prayer for you is to find someone who looks beyond your outward appearance and sees your heart, I still also pray that you don't assume he can give you the affirmation you need to get over your insecurity. Even if he is really good at encouraging you daily, much like Shea is with me, I want to blow the myth that a man can rid you of that burden wide open.
When we start to assume that relationships will give us a newfound confidence, we often find disappointment in realizing that not much changes once you step into one, insecurity wise that is. In fact, when I started dating Shea, I felt as though my insecurities were magnified given that now someone could see each flaw I have on a daily basis. I have been blessed with someone who looks beyond my appearance and loves me for who I am. I know this not only because he says so all the time, but because he affirms my character, before ever affirming what I look like. I appreciate that far more because I can't deny something he sees in my performance or daily interactions, as much as I can something physical...like calling me beautiful with no makeup on, hair frizzed out like a clown, and acne exposed for all to see. It is so much easier for me to cancel out physical compliments with thousands of reasons why I am not as beautiful as he claims I am.
The thing is that if you put all your eggs in one basket, assuming that the relationship will take away your insecurity, you be left with emptiness if the basket is dropped. This is why I always encourage women to seek the change they want to see in themselves BEFORE entering a relationship with someone. It just seems that sometimes when we find someone we want to be with, the change we are seeking is FOR THEM, not necessarily because we think it is actually necessary. The minute that person steps away from the relationship, your confidence flees with them. You don't want to miss out on gaining genuine confidence on your own, so that you can have full faith in that not happening.
Now...where to get this confidence? Well, I would give you the "God answer" because without Him, I would still be that fourth grade girl crying in the bathroom each morning. The truth is that in my own life God really is the answer to my insecurity crisis. I've never started believing my beauty until I take notice of the beautiful world around me and recognize that the same Creator made me. If you don't necessarily believe in the same thing that I do, it may be a bit tougher to find where to gain your confidence. I can tell you that the weight issue for me had to be changed even before I started dating Shea.
In September, when I started school again, I vowed to commit myself to losing 30 pounds by my birthday in February. I am only a little over halfway to my goal and it is January, but I still find my results rather impressive. I had to seek them before entering a relationship with Shea, not that I needed to change for him, but because I wanted to ensure that the change would last regardless of my being with Shea or not. I didn't want there to be a chance of me linking my change with Shea.
This isn't always physical either. A few years ago, I went through one of the most radical spiritual changes in my relationship with the Lord. I hadn't really taken my faith seriously for quite some time prior that change, and found myself returning to a state of passion that I had lost for so many years. In that change however, I started developing feelings for someone else. He was far deeper spiritually than I was in his faith, and much of my change was attributed to the conversations we had together. When he stepped out of my life after that time, I was left feeling empty, as though I had lost a part of me. The truth was I had...because I had put that change on that specific individual, not on my relationship with God alone.
When we start connecting change with someone else, we run the risk of returning to our previous ways when they are gone. We also run the detrimental risk of pursuing things FOR THEM. Suddenly our motivation becomes focused on bettering ourselves for someone else, and when that person fails us in the future (which they will) we throw around the "But look at all I've given up for you" card. Don't use your change as leverage to guilt that person into staying with you. Any relationship in which this is happening is a toxic environment for change not only to most likely be gone at the end of it, but this type of thinking gets us into dangerous territory with playing with someone's emotions.
No one wants to hear that they've made someone become something else just to date them. It also goes with trying to date people for WHO THEY WILL BE, not who they are. Shea had no idea that I was trying to lose weight. He didn't ever make me feel like I needed to in order to be with him, and honestly I don't think he could care less if I was a size zero or sixteen. He pursued me when I was bigger, and JUST AS I WAS. He didn't look at me and think, "Wow, if only I could get her in the gym...then she'd be a real catch."
I have to work out my own insecurity with God and God alone. I have recently been doing a 30-day devotional targeting physical insecurities. It has helped me to start viewing myself as God's temple, and as His beautiful daughter. I still have the same amount of breakouts, bad dye jobs, and have to pluck my eyebrows each day, but God still loves me all the same. Similarly, my boyfriend supports me in finding my confidence in the Lord by encouraging me with God's Word, and Christ's view of who I am. I wouldn't want anything other than that!
I don't know what it may be for you, but I pray that you don't ever use your insecurity as motivation to find you someone or something else to take it away. I am a results driven woman. I get frustrated when I haven't lost a pant size within a week of working out. I know some of you may fall into the category of thinking the person you are with isn't right for you because you still feel insecure. I am here to tell you that maybe you need to re-evaluate where you are wanting your confidence from.
Just something to consider
Love,
Kendra S. Wise
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