Four years ago, at age eighteen (I don't suck at math I am just about a week away from my 22nd birthday so I'm rounding), I stood up in a chapel at Biola University and committed my purity to whomever the Lord revealed as the man for me to be with. "Purity" was what the speaker deemed as your emotional, spiritual, physical, and intellectual being. I therefor sat down the next evening and wrote a list of boundaries that I would maintain with my guy friends in order to wait for the one who God revealed as someone to invest in.
I wouldn't go out past ten to parks, I wouldn't go to the movie theater on a date, I would share my testimony different with a room of both genders present versus just females, I would avoid cuddling at all costs, I would always be upfront with boys about my feelings for them, I would never pray one-on-one with a man late at night, I would throw out my skanky wardrobe, I would never use the word "love" or "miss" unless I meant it, and so on and so forth. The list went on for days, and I was preparing myself to be ready to defend against any attempt at breaking my boundaries.
Now, this somewhat "dramatic" approach to male interaction isn't as OCD as you may think. Due to my abusive past and tendency to put myself in rather foolish situations, these things seemed necessary in order to maintain a pure heart for someone to one day own. I can't lie either, it worked. It worked so well in fact that I ended up hurting myself by building up such thick walls around my heart, not even the one I want to let them down for can get in. When did it happen that I started letting my boundaries turn into a lifestyle...most likely when I realized that boundaries are restraints, and when you live in a way that you restrain yourself it turns into habit, much like dieting.
Dieting isn't bad. It is intended to help you move towards choosing foods that are healthier for you...but anything in excess can be damaging. Do you know what the worst part about dieting is? The minute you "cheat" or jump back to how you used to eat prior dieting, you often either get incredibly sick, addicted, or lose motivation to remain healthy. In order to better your body, if you want to re-introduce foods back into your life, it is more realistic to introduce one food at a time, over a certain amount of time in between each. For me, this is all too similar in my relationship.
If I have lived the last four years entirely restricting of all interpersonal communication (with men), then I can't expect to suddenly indulge by throwing my full self to someone at once. If I do that, I am afraid I will throw boundaries to the wind, and suddenly get myself right back to where I started of why I needed them in the first place. If I don't start letting go of my boundaries, and moving towards letting someone in however, I will keep our relationship stagnant, and will also not present myself in a way that suggests I am just as reliable, or there for the other person.
So, today I prayed. I have been praying since the moment I woke up about how exactly to go about this. As I prayed, I also asked God what it means to fall in love as He holds my heart in His hands. That is when He spoke beautifully to my heart. He shared that He can be my "boundary" in my relationship. The truth is that God presents REAL, GENUINE, PURE boundaries in His Word. People say that relationships fall into the "gray area" of the Bible, but that is often just justification to doing what you want because it doesn't spell it out for you. In reality, the Bible gives me complete and defined ideas of what I am to strive for in my relationship.
I can compare something I want to do in accordance with His Word. For instance...the big "physical" justification that the Bible only talks about sex and nothing else is a complete joke. 2 Timothy 2:21-22 has been one of my favorite verses in learning how to apply His Word to my life. Suddenly...it clicked. Something that I have shared for years but finally found understanding in. If God is holding my heart, than by seeking Him and living according to His Word, I can have full faith that His Spirit will guide me in the letting down of my walls.
The truth is that the boundaries were made out of a hurt heart. They were meant as protection from bad. But God's pacing provides protection in the good. It allows me to slowly but steadily call upon Him to let someone else in, and therefore begin to hold my heart with the Lord. I still think that boundaries are necessary in order to protect yourself. I just think that I forgot to mention what comes after...mainly because I never really knew. The truth is that when you find someone who you genuinely believe glorifies the Lord, and who pursues you in a godly manner, the boundaries begin to change. No longer are they restrictions, but honoring choices that direct the two of you to Christ first.
In that, I have to confess. The hardest part of my letting the boundaries go isn't that I won't know what to do without them. The truth is that I know how much I want someone else to join in my heart and I with his. The hardest part is that no one has ever gotten that close. I am scared. I am not scared of being hurt, or rejected, I am scared of the unknown. This too helps in allowing God to be the giver of my heart. It allows me to find comfort in Him and in the one I am with by building trust. It allows me to find affirmation in that Satan will try and hurt the releasing of these boundaries by either convincing me they are still necessary, or rushing me to a point where I get fearful and build more. Either way, I have to be protecting myself by calling upon God to push the enemy aside in this.
The only thing that has come as a result of my clinging to my single lifestyle is meaningless drama and tension. Yes, relationships are a process, and watching mine unfold first hand is one of the most beautiful things I've ever experienced. That being said, I need to realize that the protection extends to the both of us now. No longer are my boundaries motivated by hurt or keeping people away. Instead, my motivation has shifted to placing my relationship in the Lord's hands. In doing that, I also recognize that protection doesn't always come in the form of a "What Not To Do". For me, protection comes in communication. It has to be a prioritized part of my relationship to create the trust necessary to move forward in the process of letting go.
You see, communication is hard. It is essential yet can be poorly handled at times. It can turn into games, or frustration. It can lead you to fall madly in love or brutally bitter. It is the center (along with Christ) of any relationship, and it is necessary in order to grow. I'm learning that I first have to acknowledge who I was before this relationship, and then pray through the different aspects that I've built protection around and learn how to surrender to God first, and allow Him to move in extending the letting go into my relationship. This has been something that I have never had to work through before, but yet so many of us I think forget, even if we have been with someone for years.
God still holds my heart in His hands, but in releasing it, I am learning that sometimes I need to focus on the opportunities to grow, and not what I need to go against.
Love,
Kendra S. Wise
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