Two months ago I was single. I was enjoying life as a single woman in the fact that I found comfort in knowing I was being pursued by Christ. Through being pursued by someone else in the process, I’ve found that the two are insanely alike. I have never been so joyful in my life. Being in a relationship is a daily representation of Christ’s role in my journey. The man that holds my heart is one that pursues Christ before pursuing me, and I love every minute of it.
I may have never told you how Shea asked me to be his girlfriend. That story is one for the record books, in being that it was by far the most romantic experience of my life. Our relationship attests the fact that it didn’t stop there, but that each day we grow more and more alongside one another, and in appreciation for one another as well. Being in a relationship and writing this blog is a bit difficult, yet also thrilling and exciting in knowing that perhaps the points that I have been trying to make reign true in the process of going about things with the Christ-first mentality.
When Shea showed up on my doorstep a few months into our blessed friendship, he not only surprised me with a bouquet of my favorite flowers, a long-stem rose, and a smile that made me glow for weeks, but he gave me a complete affirmation of the fact that I was loved. We sat down on the sidewalk for about twenty minutes of me ranting in disbelief how incredibly caught off guard I was! Not only that, but I started spilling my guts on how terrified I was in entering a relationship with him.
I said things such as, “What if I’m not a good girlfriend?” and “What if I don’t know what will happen?” He assured me that we aren’t going to know the future regardless of what zip codes we live in, and gave me complete confidence in already far surpassing the qualities of being essentially “good” in the girlfriend department. To say I found a pretty amazing catch would be quite the understatement, but more than finding someone to share life with in as an amazing way as we get to, I found something so incredibly beautiful in relation to my walk with the Lord.
How often do I sit before my King and ask similar questions. “What if I don’t lead well?” “What if I can’t do this?” God and I have gone round and round debating how good of a vessel I am for His Kingdom. He often reminds me that it is by His strength alone I get the opportunity to even be saved in the first place. I never realized how beautifully accurate a man showing up on my doorstep, wooing me with encouragement in who I am as a woman, is similar to what Christ does for me daily. I am entirely inadequate as a follower of Christ. I always will be. But God doesn’t necessarily take me for what I can give Him, in fact I know He doesn’t. He was entirely fine on His own without me at all. He asks me to join in a relationship with Him because He loves me. He chooses me.
My insecurities have never been as evident until joining in a relationship with someone else who gets to witness them firsthand. There is something though that allows me to be entirely who I am when I am with Shea, because I know that he cares for me regardless of them. Not only that, but his affirmation in who I am challenges me to let go of them altogether. Now there is something that the Lord does on a daily basis. I am God’s. I am HIS DAUGHTER, and that reminder each day is enough to force me to submit my fears and frustrations to Him. I do so as an act of worship, but one full of praise. He loves me for who I am.
There is a big part of this process that I forget to tell you about. It is this. For months I have been writing to you on the issues associated with being pursued, and pursuing one another. I haven’t been capable of writing beyond that given that I have never really reached what comes next. As I journey through this new relationship, I promise you that you will hear much of the wisdom that I gain without necessarily letting on to the specifics of it. As I keep my relationship with Shea as just that…a relationship between Shea and I…I will do my best to share with you what I am learning in the process.
This is a conflicting battle however, for no one wants to put their relationship under a microscope, but perhaps in inviting you into this aspect of my life, you can give me the respect in understanding my heart in allowing the specifics to be left between us. I don’t say this in making our relationship one that is mysterious or under wraps, but in hoping to maintain the respect I have for my boyfriend prior to my desire to write an honest piece of work.
My honesty will remain in the fact that I will allow you to hear all that I have going on in my heart. I finally know what happens after the building up of pursuing someone, and I can tell you firsthand that it has been entirely worth the wait. Today, I made a very important decision. I’ve decided to deem the year 2012 as one of seeking God. Now I hope that you choose to do so, for those of you that believe in Him, on a daily basis. But to actually give an entire year of my life to seeking Him first, above myself, above my relationship…I can guarantee there will be no disappointment in it. Why? Because Jeremiah 29:13-14 says so!
You see, my writing is focused on helping you gain insight to dating. I am not about to stop doing what I love because I’ve moved into a relationship. I am going to challenge you though that, for those of you not in one at this moment, you choose to seek Christ with your entire single self, just as much as you when you are taken. The beautiful aspect of my relationship is that I am seeking Christ more fervently then ever, but it didn’t happen as a result of my relationship, it was strengthened because of it. If you start choosing to pursue Christ now, then you can’t go wrong when stepping into a relationship with someone doing the exact same thing.
I have watched several relationships fail because they lose sight of pursuing something together. I have seen this especially in relation to marriage. So often I see one person in the relationship pursuing marriage and marriage alone, while the other is fixated on vocational goals and objectives. This creates a constant tension between work and relationship time. What you are pursuing will effect what you choose to invest your time in.
Think about my newfound ambition to be fit for my ministry. A few days ago I was watching America’s Next Top Model, and Tyra Banks (yep, as pathetic as it may be) helped me realize that I need to start implementing healthy choices now to be able to live the lifestyle I hope to have in the future. If I am going to finish this book, publically speak, and travel around America after graduation, I better start getting some quality living habits under my belt!
By pursuing health, my time has become focused on Insanity, trips to the gym, and morning routine such as my daily devotional, first glass of water, and Acai breakfast smoothie. If someone was to observe how I live they would see that I am passionate and serious about living a healthy life. Similarly, in a relationship, if you are to witness where one another are focusing their time, you would find their passion. This can often be mistaken when it comes to priority as well. The difference between priority and passion is heart. For instance, being a college almost-grad I know working next semester will take up the majority of my time. Now working is not a passion of mine, but it is a priority given that it needs to be done to be able to do my passion in the future without the burden of student loans hanging on my back.
A good practice to do now is to discover your passions and priorities, especially before entering a relationship. How are you going to know if your pursuit lines up if you have no idea what you are pursuing? A few key questions to ask yourself are, “Where do I spend my time?” “What makes me joyful?” “What is worth getting out of bed in the morning?” I remember a horrible habit a few months back of merely getting myself up so I could enjoy a chocolate protein bar. It was my only source of chocolate through the day, and it’d give me the motivation to jump right up in the morning. That was when I had to reassess my motivation in my passions.
There are things you can start putting into practice now that will drastically help in your relationship to come. For those of you already in your relationship, this is also a good measure on where your relationship will head in the future. If you are experiencing constant conflict regarding the time the two of you are spending together, that can often be attributed to a lack of complementary pursuits. This is where things can get a little tough, because you may think the best option is to either “prioritize” or “be passionate about” the other person.
I know this may sound like the best answer, especially given that every self-help book out there on dating will assure you that you are right. The problem though in placing a person at the pursuit of a relationship is that it is a cycle. You will always fail to entirely prioritize the other person, and rightfully you should. By not choosing a steadfast goal of your relationship, you are filling your time with trying to become the end result for the other person. You may think my logic is entirely crazy, but stick with me just a second more.
See, I can’t have a relationship with the person beside me if they are what I am choosing to pursue. How can you run a race towards the person you are running with? Then it becomes a game of chase. Suddenly it turns into how well one person is doing over the other. Someone will always be ahead, and someone will always be behind. You will be running in circles, and there will be both time of working well in it and seriously failing. If you choose instead to focus your efforts on something else, such as the Lord, or even a goal like a life plan (ministry, business, a family), you will have far more success in achieving it together. Does that make sense?
By finding stability in a joint effort, you suddenly change from seeing the other person as a competitor for your attention, and more as an aid in getting there together. It is far easier to run with a partner towards something then get exhausted from never getting anywhere. You’ll notice too that if you have the same pursuit, priorities will naturally line up together. Suddenly, the time you invest in one another becomes a passion, because it is not only enjoyable but useful in building you both up towards where you want to go.
I can’t lie to you. I have no idea how this works when it isn’t God as the one that you are pursuing. See, the Lord is steadfast entirely. So as we pursue Him together, we naturally fall for one another more as a result. We no longer focus on what we give one another in the relationship, as much as what we can do for the Lord in the relationship.
So before you set up your “New Year’s Resolutions” and such, I’d ask you to first ask what you are hoping in the end result. Is your objective a person? Is it simply to have a husband or wife? See, I get nervous sometimes that that becomes the main objective. It might even be why you are reading this in the first place, hoping I’ll give you some direction in how to get there. But if you choose to seek something that you gain at the alter, your life thereafter will become much tougher to be joyful in. If you choose something far more steadfast and never-ending, you have the privilege of gaining a partner along the way!
Just something to think about.
Love,
Kendra S. Wise
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