Tying the Thought
Thanks to Pinterest, attending Biola University, and my personal vocational objective of dating life coach, I have been granted the wonderful privilege of believing marriage to be not only a necessity within this life stage, but affirmation that I’ve done this life stage well. A few years ago I was proposed with the question, “When do you think you will get married?” I remember rolling my eyes at the thought of it being anytime in the near future, and blurted out somewhere between age 28 and 30. As much as I wish I could be content in my answer now, it humbles me to say that my personal opinion on the “perfect age” has lowered, in fact it has vanished altogether.
When did it start happening that as soon as you hit senior year of college a ring was mandatory upon graduation? I’m guessing things started changing when more and more people started doing it, as with any trend in society. The problem is that it isn’t necessarily bad to believe that marriage should be on your radar given your age. Think about it, only a few short years ago I was focused on where I was to go to college. Upon graduating, my next thought turns to what I want to do after I graduate, and that is something that includes marriage down the road for me.
I want to get married. I would love the joy of being someone’s wife someday, and hopefully sooner rather than later. As I’ve already started browsing through wedding gowns, bridesmaid dresses, and rings this semester, I’ve realized that maybe the idea of a wedding is far more intriguing than that of marriage itself…right now. You see, I’ve always just assumed that I would get married later in life. Since I’ve wanted to publically speak and travel since age twelve, I’ve just thought that marriage would have to be associated with settling down, and that put a future limitation on the concept. Who wants to marry someone who is gone all the time?
The problem is that, the older I get, and the more realistic engagement becomes, the harder it is to find balance in my own thought life regarding it. See, I’ve always believed the common principle of not being in a relationship with someone who you wouldn’t want to marry. I’m pretty sure (or at least can hope) that you would share that thought with me. The thing is though, is that in knowing that I wouldn’t date someone who I wouldn’t consider marrying, where is the balance in not allowing my thoughts to rush to marriage once I start dating someone? Confusing? You bet.
Our thoughts are powerful things. Especially with minds going far quicker than our hearts can catch up to, thoughts are very effective in regards to what we want to believe is the truth. There is so much influence others can have on thoughts as well. Think about it, if you have a friend who has gotten married in the last year or so, it is only natural that you’ve considered what your wedding would be like. Maybe it is “just a girl thing”, but men have thoughts that are very similar as well. Thoughts control our opinions, and opinions control our thoughts.
The minute we get an idea in our head, the harder it is to get it out of our hearts. The two are connected, and therefore the rush of marriage places a large stress on my own desire to be in a relationship now. I never thought I would abolish the “perfect age” concept so young. This isn’t to say that I want to get married tomorrow, or even years down the road. This is to say that I am placing the when where and how entirely in God’s hands. The why however is most important, and that is why I gladly take joy in being so much more involved with that crucial aspect.
I chatted with a friend over coffee today who is on her way down the aisle in just a few short months. As she talked through her wedding plans, I started to realize that marriage is never the destination, nor the beginning. I’ve heard toast after toast at weddings begin with, “This is just the beginning…” But I thought the beginning was far before a ring was on my finger! The beginning happened when I stepped into this relationship in the first place, and that beginning should never be tossed aside as irrelevant.
You see, we are a society of stages. In the real world, marriage is the next step to a relationship. Well, essentially sex is, but since my blog is targeted at the Christian audience, I’d say that marriage is viewed in place of sex. You heard me, in place of, not prior to, but in place of. The marriage age for Christian couples continues to lower, and much of that attributes to the fact that the next stage of a Christian relationship is marriage. No longer are people enjoying the relationship stage of the relationship, given that they are cutting themselves short on the physical dynamic that only marriage can bring. Therefore, tying the knot seems the best approach to getting the physical advantages, while still keeping with the natural progression of a relationship.
I think this idea cheats us out of each step along the way. Take hiking for example. The satisfaction of enduring the grueling climb to gain the best scenery would be entirely ripped away if you noticed a car access point only a few yards away. Sure the scenery would still be rewarding, and beautiful, but the process would be different. I’m not saying that everyone rushes marriage for the sex, but I found it most interesting when a friend mentioned the length of younger couples’ receptions. I was at a wedding a few weeks ago in which the reception lasted all of an hour. The couple couldn’t jet out of there faster, knowing what the evening entailed past that point.
I just think that if marriage becomes the focus point of a relationship, the process in getting there is short-changed. I enjoy each moment in the relationship I am in now, whether it is holding hands for the first time, or getting to say the word, “boyfriend”. I don’t want to rush into the “next stage” simply because it is what is expected of me. Then on the other hand I deal with the exciting and thrilling reality that this person could eventually be my husband, and before I know it the two conflicting sides start spinning me into a tornado of thoughts.
So what am I to do with Pinterest updating me each morning on the newest Tiffany’s collection? Or the fact that I attend the Bridal Institute of Los Angeles? If I knew the answer to that question, I would put it on every billboard around our nation I could, but I don’t. It used to be the tension between finding contentment in the Lord and having the desire to find someone. Now it is between having someone and not letting my thoughts run me into experiencing things in our relationship too quickly.
Therefore, I can give you what I have found to be the best approach for me. It starts with pacing. Pacing yourself in a way that is honest, yet realistic. I am growing more and more fond of my boyfriend each day, but I don’t want to let the fact that I can see myself marrying him triumph the joy found in each day with him now. That may not make sense to you, but I’ll try my best to explain it in a more vivid way. Take Christmas for example. Christmas comes at the same time each year. You expect Christmas, you know it is coming, and you know that each day you get one step closer to it. Christmas never changes, but you can’t help but put more and more expectation on the day itself, given that your mindset is consumed with the gifts you will be getting, those you will be giving, Santa coming, the fire burning, or whatever it may be that excites you on Christmas Day.
We put so much stress on making that day perfect, that each day until that point we get weighed down with the burden of shopping, baking, cleaning, and so on. We want the day to be memorable, enjoyable, and what we have always wanted. By focusing our efforts on the day alone, we miss out on enjoying the days before and after. Suddenly we only get excited by the initial rush of Christmas morning, but once the festivities are over we are on to the next best thing…Valentine’s Day. I don’t want marriage to be Christmas. I don’t want to focus all my efforts on waiting for the perfect day, or the perfect timing, that I miss out on each day beforehand and after.
I want to realize the power of using my desire to marry the person I am with as a pacer. I am not ready for marriage now, but as I grow in my relationship I can place my focus on being with my boyfriend today. Each day I am with him I feel like there is something to be gained. Every day holds something entirely different within it, and that is something that is to be treasured, not cast aside the day that we get married. The balance is allowing my feelings for my boyfriend to progress naturally, and not using marriage as motivation to bypass the slow but steady pace of a relationship.
Rather, I’m taking the Hanukkah approach to my relationship. I want each day to be full of joy and celebration, not one to be better than the other. I also want marriage then to be something just as joyful as the moment that we first hugged, or say, “I love you.” or celebrate an anniversary. Obviously my wedding day will be a memorable and remarkable event in both my husband and my lives, but that doesn’t mean it has to be THE event to be in anticipation of. I’d way rather anticipate the occurrence of everyday things. The minute I get a good morning text, the first time we get to cook a meal together, and so on.
So, it is time to “tie the thought”. Not necessarily casting the idea of marriage out the door, but keeping it as something to look forward to, not to chase after. This whole concept extends far beyond marriage itself. For the college student, it may be graduation. For the newlywed it could be the adventure of pregnancy. Don’t let your thoughts take you away from what is happening in the moment. It is so easy to focus our efforts on the “somedays” and “whens”. Instead, allow those moments to be just as joyful as the process in getting there.
Just something I’ve been THINKING about! Hehe!
Keep Reading,
Kendra
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