That is the thing about goals sometimes, we have to make them realistic in order for us to actually accomplish them on our own two feet. Then again, any accomplishment I've ever made has not been without the incredible power of God alongside me, and I mean that. So maybe then my goals shouldn't be necessarily realistic, because realistic would be me getting anything done at all, but rather marked by a characteristic of faith that they would one day be accomplished.
So here I am, sitting at the bread shop on the corner across from school, writing to you before I embark on the next adventure of my life. I will be spending two months at a camp in Santa Rosa, California, being somewhat of a head female counselor and program runner. I am excited, to say the least, but I hope to get some prime time writing in before I return home!
The other day I was privileged to meet up with some friends from my study abroad program in New Zealand. As my friend from California left the table to grab some napkins, I took the time to apologize for my lack of maturity during my stay there. They welcomed my apology but on my way home I started to consider the pattern I have been making for myself.
When I left New Zealand I had to make a choice between Biola and Texas. I chose Biola out of faith that I knew God wanted me to return. In order to transition back in, I e-mailed my professors and apologized for who I was my first two years at the school. I wasn't a crazy partier or anything, but I did my fair share of being lazy, turning in assignments late, and even missing class. So I wrote the e-mail, and heard back from a few encouraging me to return to Biola in order to show the change that God had done in my life.
As I drove home from dinner last night, I realized this pattern of being someone I'm not, leaving, growing, and then apologizing is not a good one to set for myself as I journey into the real world. Here I am, about to take part in another important time of my life, and the last thing I would want to do is go through it, leave and write an apology letter months later for not being the woman I am. Thankfully, God has blessed me with this realization now.
I never was one to ask forgiveness versus permission, but perhaps that was because my entire lifestyle was a testimony to that concept, so I just never saw myself actually acting it out. I am so tired of being the woman who choses to grow after the situation has happened. I consider myself a rather honest person, never afraid to speak my mind. Perhaps I should, with discernment and grace, begin speaking it a little bit more in the moment than months after. I've missed out on several opportunities in my life because of this way of thinking, and I'm rather sick of it.
Praise God for self awareness. As I journey into this new chapter, I ask God for the ability to see when I start to fall into that pattern again. I don't want to be someone who has to constantly go back and prove myself. It all started my first summer on camp at Tadmor. I hated who I was that first year, so I returned the second year and was so busy trying to prove myself, I forget the heart of why I was there in the first place. Then, I found Discovery, where I was given a wake-up call that no matter what I did to prove myself, I would never be the "ideal guide", so I had to come to grips with being the ideal Kendra first. That took a lot of humiliation, several failed attempts at rapids I couldn't seem to hit, a one hour rock climbing experience that took other guides about ten to fifteen minutes to complete, and a summer that radically changed my life.
I finally am glad to be exactly where I am, exactly who I am, and I'm not apologizing for who I have been these last few months. I am learning. Of course there are things I will do wrong and things I will need forgiveness for, but rather than not taking daily opportunities to grow and speak and share and be poured into, I want to make sure each moment of the day is seized.
So in that, I am sorry I haven't posted much lately, I have some very important things to share with you, but I wanted you to know where I was during this time! Thanks for listening, and press in during these next few weeks to what God has in store...pray I will be too.
Love,
Kendra
