When she first got in my boat, I tried to do my best to make her comfortable. I even switched off from using "Right side", "Left side", to "Derecha" and "Isquierda". I remember how, regardless of my pathetic excuse for Spanish, she would respond with such delight, loving that I would even try and work towards understanding her. Our relationship was built off of "Como se dice?", but it didn't matter to her. She was still just as willing to love me for who I was, and I in return did the same. There is something before we get into this topic that you need to understand. This one is a bit tricky because communication barriers will come from all sorts of different reasonings. Difference in communication can often be a habit of how one was raised, life experiences, cultural differences, or even what they were taught to believe. There are going to be factors that not even the best of authors could give you advice about, and I am in nowhere near the state of claiming to be one of them, so sadly I cannot comment either.
The beautiful thing is (much like with Maite), that when two people truly want to build a relationship together, all it takes is starting with the basic "We are" principle. Rather than seeking the goal of, "I want to understand YOU." I like to view it as, "I want to understand who WE ARE together." This means that you want to move beyond simply gaining a better understanding of the other person and focus on how you can make them aware of your own personal feelings, emotions, and actions so that you can build communication TOGETHER. By focusing on the "We are", we can move away from questions such as, "Why are you doing that?" to, "How can I better understand the effect this is having?" Because all in all, how someone reacts to a situation will effect how you will react to that person's reaction. It is a chain reaction, and it will remain rather rough unless you take certain focus on certain ideas in building solid understanding of each other.
Shea and I didn't start out together and then move away from one another, our entire relationship has consisted of us living in two completely different places. In order to have the most effective communication in our relationship, we have to try and find proactive choices now that will benefit us in the situations that arise in the future. Long distance can be tough at times, so we have to be willing to be honest with one another through each moment we spend. This is where the first step, "Honesty Before Assumption" comes into play. You have to be willing to be honest with yourself, who you are in a relationship with, and what expectations you may previously have before a situation arrises.
Everyone knows where assuming gets you, but what is important it to learn before entering times of high tension, what expectations you and the other person have for times of hardship. When I was younger, I would cry and have my parents come to my side to comfort me. They didn't necessarily offer advice right away, but sat and listened to my feelings and let me come to the conclusion on my own, directing me if need be. That is what I expected when needing comfort from someone else. Now, for women...sometimes we like to simply SHARE how we feel with men and receive comfort and understanding in it. We don't always want to hear exactly what we should do in the moment. Sometimes, we may even want you to let us get their on our own, so that we feel a sense of accomplishment in turning our hardship into something beneficial.
Some men on the other hand, enjoy solving the problem in the heat of the moment. I like to think of somewhat of an Indiana Jones persona swooping in to not only save all of the world but get himself a nice lady at the same time. Guys enjoying the heroic feeling of seeing something broken and fixing it. The problem arrises when you have a woman seeking comfort and a man seeking a solution in the same moment of stress. This in turn becomes its own form of tension, and suddenly the emotional build up being experienced sort of spews over onto the relationship at hand, rather than the one it could be about in the first place.
So, in order to best combat this from happening, sit down with the person you are in a relationship with (this doesn't have to be romantic to apply), and explain what you expect during times of stress, tension, and frustration (even expectations in general). I know it may be a bit awkward at first, but talking is the only way that you can take proactive steps before you have to make post-hurt apologies. This was something that really helped my relationship from the get-go, being open and honest about how we both deal with things, and what we need during those times.
This the second understanding we must have about relationships. The "Responsibility Over Reason" understanding is one that many family members experience with one another. You see, I have the responsibility of loving my sibling regardless of what they may do to me, given that we are related. That is why it is so easy when you are frustrated at something entirely outside of home to take it out on those closest to you, because you know that they will still love you in the end. I'm not trying to sound conniving in the slightest, I'm just being honest with how families tend to work, at least in my experience. I always struggle with this principle with my mom. If I am angry about something that happened at school I will call her and by the end of the conversation find myself frustrated with her and not even remembering why I called in the first place. It is undeserved on her part, and also a bit elementary. We have to be able to recognize that our reasoning must remain in tact when there is an issue.
*Keep in mind that the issue is with whatever else it may be, not the person who is genuinely trying to be there for you.
Moving on, we have another understanding, known as the "Benefit of the Doubt or B.O.D." line of thinking. Texting is not talking, but it is communicating. Facebook and e-mail fall into this category as well. If someone sends you something that seems a bit harsh or brutal, before you allow your defenses to go up, please do yourself a favor and give them time to explain. Now "time to explain" does not mean waiting until they figure out on their own that they hurt you. It will probably take far too long for them to realize it, and your anger will be fuming by the time that they do. Instead, gently ask if they could explain what they meant. Remember, I said GENTLY. This doesn't mean, "How could you say that to me?" or texting, "Fine." Fine is a word that needs to be entirely thrown out of the English language. It doesn't matter how genuine you may say it, it always creates problems in thinking there is an underlying hint of sarcasm or frustration.
This also applies to time. Like I said, I have been long distance with Shea, and that means that technology is our only way of communication. We have made a deal with each other that if we are investing in time with other people we will prioritize it above texting. No one wants to sit with someone and try and compete for their attention with their phone. That being said, we still do our best to communicate when we will be busy, but sometimes we go hours without responding by accident. Sometimes, we may honestly not register that our phones have even gone off! Sadly, I see so many couples get angry when their boyfriend or girlfriend doesn't respond within seconds. So, give them the benefit of the doubt. They could be showering, or sleeping, or doing something that makes them unable to answer at the moment. It doesn't mean you aren't a priority, it just means that you need to trust that they love every minute talking to you, but just can't respond at that moment.
A good idea is to focus on "Saving Heart Before Face". Rather than trying to play the part of being "world's best girlfriend", I needed to realize in the beginning of my relationship that in not sharing my feelings with Shea, I was holding us both back from growing together. Not only that, but that pushed aside emotion will come back and hurt you in the future. If we try and hide something, all it takes is the right amount of frustration to bring it up again tenfold. I know you girls know what I'm talking about, because we do it all the time with guys. We suddenly take out weeks of built up hurt over something as stupid as not taking their shoes off when they walk in the front door, or forgetting the anniversary of the day we first ate cheerios together, or whatever it may be. When the bomb explodes, it hurts, and you don't want to end up doing something or saying something you will regret in your relationship when you could have prevented it by sharing your heart the whole time. Save their own heart, and be honest from the beginning about things that come up. Don't every assume that they know what they did wrong, it isn't fair. Be willing to humble yourself enough to work through the issue together.
Lastly, remember to "Care not Change". Sometimes all it takes it sitting with someone and allowing them to express themselves. It may mean that you can't change anything, that no matter what you say all they want is for you to be there for them. Sometimes I get frustrated not having the perfect piece of advice or plan of attack, but that is when I remember that it isn't so much about fixing something at the moment, but caring for that person. This also comes into play when you try and say the right thing. "I totally understand, one time this guy at work..." Okay, this is probably the worst mistake out there. When someone needs you to be there for them, don't assume that means relate with them. It is probably not the best time to bring up situations that you think relate to what they are going through.
The truth is that we all handle things entirely different. Even if you think that you may know what someone is experiencing, save the story for later on when you two can talk through and share in it together. If someone is hurting or needs care, focus on what they are sharing. Respond to their own story by hearing them, repeating back to them (in different words for clarification), and accepting that maybe you can't fully understand, but that you love them and that is why you want to try. Girls, don't get mad if a guy tries to care but ends up saying something wrong. I have had more times guess it is my time of the month at the wrong time then anything when it comes to me being upset, and I can't get angry and pull the "How dare you say that" card, because sometimes I am genuinely so emotional I would probably guess I was on my period too if I saw how I was acting.
Instead, allow your words to be affirming, encouraging, and comforting. Focus on bringing the person to the Lord, and finding their worth in Him. If they don't necessarily believe, affirm their worth by the things you love about them. Some people even like complete silence when they are dealing with something. That is why if you start proactively talking through these things now, when the time comes you will have a way better idea of how to respond.
So remember:
Thought One: Seek to understanding who you both are together.
Thought Two: Be honest with one another before assuming things about the other person. (Especially in expectations)
Thought Three: Keep the reason of why you are frustrated as the real issue, rather than letting it become the other person. (Just because they have a responsibility to love you regardless, doesn't mean you should justify mistreating them.)
Thought Four: Give the benefit of the doubt before jumping to your own conclusions.
Thought Five: Rather than hide your emotions, save yourselves from future hurt by having open and honest communication throughout your relationship, not just in times of trial.
Thought Six: People will do their best to do or say the right thing, but focus rather on caring for the individual and not necessarily trying to be the best at it. (The love itself will speak volumes)
Just a few things to take in when coming across communication barriers!
Kendra S. Wise
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