For generations upon generations, an unspoken expectation of marriage has remained the same. The man being the leader of the relationship has inadvertently turned into the belief that he is to take care of the woman entirely. While men have the responsibility to “provide” for the wife, this doesn’t necessarily translate as living for them. Women often get the misunderstanding in their head that the man is to be knowledgeable in practically every other area aside from female household expectations such as cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the children. You may say my generalization is sexist and not as accepted in this day-and-age, but I would have to suggest taking a poll within the Christian university circles. I still hear several of women, my friends included, being excited about the idea of entering in a relationship and fulfilling the roles of wife and mother, and those alone.
Now, you will never hear me disagree with the fact that the man is to be the leader. I strongly support that line of thinking, given that it stems directly from God’s Word, but someone leading someone and someone essentially doing everything for someone else are two entirely different things. Take my relationship with the Lord for example. Christ as my leader translates daily in how He guides me through decisions according to His Word, allows opportunities to happen in which I can share His love, and blesses me with knowledge gained by the experiences I live through with Him. Christ is my leader. It is never to expected in our relationship however that He is to make everything happen for me exactly as I want it.
He allows me to live daily and to choose Him. He gives me the ability to know Him more by seeking Him, and lets me experience seasons in our relationship such as those of delight or desert. He has blessed me with His love, but never does He get up each morning and live my day for me. I still have the responsibility to live as myself. He does however give me the guidance to live in a way that reflects my relationship with Him.
A few years ago I fell into this idea that men are to do the work. I remember coming to my finances and finding frustration that I had no idea what taxes were nor how I was supposed to pay them. It was just something that my parents have always done for me, and I never really had any reason to learn how. Even after a few hours of hearing about how to file my taxes, I turned to a friend and whispered, “Good thing we don’t have to worry about this one day.” Pretty much entirely belittling my own ability to do my taxes on my own.
The truth of the matter is that I can’t bank on getting married one day. I can’t bank on marriage just like I can’t bank on getting married to a man that knows far more about taxes than I do. Let’s say I get married to someone whose parents have done the exact same for them. It isn’t fair to put such expectations on the other person. I had a realization when I was seventeen that I needed to be ready to take each part of life on for myself someday. I was sitting in an outdoor education class, watching one of the boys adjusting the spare tire on a car during the lecture, and decided it was about time to figure how the heck to change one on my own. Even if I marry a man who can change one better than any Indy 500 racing mechanic, it doesn’t mean that once we get married his services will always be at my disposal. What if he is on a trip? What if he is at work? What if he just can’t get to where I am at the moment?
When we start to put expectations of someone else taking care of everything for us, we are far quicker to a road of disappointment and destruction in our relationships. This line of thinking reigns true mostly with my parents. For years, my family has done an incredible job of allowing me to live a blessed life. We aren’t millionaires in the slightest, but the love that my family has extended to me is far beyond that. Whenever I am in a bind, or can’t figure something out, or need help, my mom is the first one top of it. She has helped me out of more situations than Wile E. Coyote, and for that I am so thankful.
If you have been reading my blogs though, you will recall what I said yesterday about getting easily frustrated with the ones helping you out the most. Sometimes, in her helping, I start to let my anger of the current situation effect her, when all she is trying to do is her best to help. It is unfair to expect her to solve everything on her own, just like it is unfair to think that God is going to make me get up in the morning, or eat breakfast, or workout. Those are all choices that I have to learn to make on my own to live a healthy life.
Sometimes I think it is easier to think someone else is going to take care of you, because it gives you justification to be lazy not only in our capabilities but also in your responsibility. We each have a responsibility to learn how to live well. How much easier is it to blame someone else for our downfalls when we have expected them to take care of it for us? I just don’t think that is very beneficial to our relationships.
I would way rather be a wife that knows not only how to take care of my children well, but who can balance the checkbook, mow the grass, install the Tivo, and have dinner on the table by five. Not saying that I can 180 this mentality by taking on all the responsibility by myself. But if we seek to learn how to do things for ourselves now, one day the actual acting out of such things will become blessings, not expectations. This means that if you both know how to wash the car, but he chooses to do it for you on a given Saturday, it is a gift, not something you just assumed he had to do because he is the man.
No one should have to live for you. For women, we can only use the excuse of our gender so often before it not only gets annoying, but rather ridiculous. I remember a few years ago I was having car trouble. I had two track guys, a soccer player, and a few guys who had walked by taking a look at my engine. About twenty minutes of rambling between all of them, and I was over waiting. I came to the front of my car, took a look, and hoped back in. I knew exactly what was wrong with it. It was the shift, not anything in my engine at all. I took a few minutes with it, babying it a bit, and got it moving enough to put into position near my dorm to be towed to the local mechanic.
The boys seemed shocked. They never would have thought that it could be the case. Sometimes all it takes is giving yourself the credit that you deserve. I’m not sure if you have heard the statistics on that horrendous, humorous, and sadly realistic study done a few years ago. They took a group of blondes and interviewed them, then a few weeks past and they dyed their hair brown. After a month they brought them back in and re-interviewed them, finding that their answers were far more scholarly than beforehand. I would never call a blond dumb, but that doesn’t stop the rest of the world from doing it.
You see, when we start to listen to what is expected of us as women as being accurate, we lose sight of the capabilities God has blessed us with. Eve was a helper to Adam. It didn’t say that she was just pretty and sat there until Adam was done with the day’s work and wanted sex or food. She was given a set of capabilities to genuinely assist him in the garden. I am currently in a relationship with someone who pretty much knows how to do anything, and I mean ANYTHING you ask of him. I am astounded that God has blessed me with a man who is so capable, and often buy into Satan’s lies that therefore means I am incapable altogether.
The thing is that Shea loves me for who I am. That includes the specific abilities I have been given, even if they are in different areas than him. I would never expect Shea to “take care of me” to the point of inhibiting me from learning things for myself. That is what happens when you don’t understand the definition of taking care of someone. Taking care of means supporting, being there, encouraging, and learning alongside someone. It doesn’t mean doing everything for them.
My parents have taught me the best in that. They always have taken care of me, while still letting me learn on my own how to do things. I have been a working girl since age fifteen, and don’t regret a day of it! I even learned how to budget on my own a few years ago, and now have full knowledge of how to balance a checkbook, pay off my credit, and use my credit as an advantage for one day owning a house. These are small things to many of you, but milestones for someone as financially dumbfounded as I am.
In taking care of me, I want my husband to never cheat me out of gaining an experience. That is what happens when we start to live for each other, we miss out on experiencing things on our own. Now you can always experience something together, but when you do keep in mind that the best way to grow together is to learn alongside each other. Don’t jump to trying to make someone learn something as quickly as you may have. We all learn at our own pace, but when we do it together there is something so genuinely fulfilling in it!
So ladies, go outside and learn a few things about cars. For you single ones, it is always a bit more impressive when a girl knows how to change her own oil anyway! Hehe!
25 Days to Go!
Love you,
Kendra
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