You get what you deserve.

Hey guys, sorry it has been a few days. I am currently working through via word document how to approach this next issue in the pattern of false intimacy. It just seems like the words are all coming so fast that it is this mumbo jumbo of me trying to get my points across, but also blurring it altogether. While I want to give you the harsh, rough draft versions of my work, they need to also be understandable for me to consider posting them on here.

I want to thank you for all of the solid input and encouragement I've been receiving.

So while we wait a few days for me to gather my thoughts on physical intimacy, I'd like to present you with another topic to keep give your brain a little testing:

Why do we seem to constantly fall under the idea that we deserve the best out of our dating situations?

In discussing a past fling with a friend, I once stated, "Well, I just deserve better than blank blank." It made me think that I had some sort of right to believe that I deserved the best.

While I don't think it is bad to reach for the best in the dating world, I get nervous when I hear women comforting other women (I don't really know how you guys do it) and saying, "Oh honey, you deserve so much better!"

I think that I use the word (in and outside of the dating realm) in comforting those that have been hurt by others. "You didn't deserve that!"

But, if we are all undeserving of the grace that we are blessed with by Christ (for those of you believing in it), then wouldn't that also suggest that we deserve nothing? This isn't to say that we should go through relationships and be treated poorly but stick it out because we aren't deserving of anything. I'm not taking it to that extreme. I'm just curious as to where your beliefs lie in relation to that term, "deserve".

I honestly have gone back in forth for the past 24 hours debating my take on the whole thing.

Please, help me come to some conclusion!

To be clear or not to be clear...

That is the question.

Tonight I came across an article that stated, "Singleness is a time in which a woman is to cultivate the virtues that pertain to being a woman of God, so that she can offer to her future husband and the world something more than just a pretty face."

Dear friends, please hear me out.

Right after that the writer claims, "Remember in your singleness that you are not the only one single, but your future husband is passing through the same stage as you."

There is so much wrong with this concept that my jaw almost came unhinged at reading through it!

First off, women please never view marriage as a guarantee, or a promise, or something to fight for in your life.

This thinking may be good in "embracing your desire for relationship" (as the author suggests), but please know that viewing marriage as a goal and not fulfilling it with take you down one of two roads: 1. You will dread your single life for good. or 2. You will settle for someone to fill the void (or something) and be even more dissatisfied in the long run.

There is no good way to make myself clear without coming off as someone who doesn't believe in love or marriage.

You see, I WANT marriage someday. I DO, but going back to my previous blog about the penny, my goal isn't that my marriage will be the basis for my fulfilling life. I simply want my marriage (if I do get married) to be apart of my fulfilling life, not the reason my life is fulfilling.

So I understand if at this point you are going to pair me along with Paul (not in the spiritual way of course) in the sense that being single is the better way to go. I'm not saying that, but I'm not really saying that it isn't the way to go either. Confusing? No, I like to view it as open. I don't want to see this time in my life as a waiting period for something bigger and better in the future.

Plus, could you imagine the incredible amount of pressure that puts on the man who does pursue me? I can just picture it, "Thanks for asking me out honey, I just want you to understand that I've waited for you for the past 21 years, so this better be good." First off, that man now has no chance of meeting my expectations, nor do I have a chance of taking our relationship as it comes, rather than throwing a bunch of predetermined requirements on it. How many of you have that list that you were told to make in middle school of the man you want to marry?

I don't think that is always a bad thing. One of my friends told me that the man she is now engaged to met every single number on that list. I think it is good to have a picture of what you want, but please I beg of you pray for discernment in creating that list. I remember having to do a project in my Health and Wellness class Freshmen year, making my own list.

I'm pretty sure my favorites on the list were, "Has to buy me and Alaskan Husky." and "Must like fun dip sugar because I only like the stick part and can't waste the money." Girls, please do yourselves a favor and stop putting ridiculous expectations on the boys trying to gain your attention. I'm not going to tell you what to look for just yet, but I really do encourage you to go back to those lists, and think about what you are looking for.

Now that THAT tangent is over, back to the article. Whoever told women that this time (being single) in their life is so that they can become what they are looking for (the list tangent) should be seriously talked to. It is a great hope to give women the idealistic dream that if they just make themselves better, they will be blessed with a boyfriend. I think it is actually rather rude and a bit selfish.

Later on the writer states, "Could it be (being single) that God extend our time of singleness so that we might find our life in Him and learn to be complete in Him?"

I by no means agree with that point.

It gives women the idea that being single is a punishment, and when we are to a point of being "good enough" in God's eyes, He will bless us with a husband.

Ladies, stop focusing on the objective of finding someone and instead focus on the beauty of the life God has blessed you with, with or without a man.

The early statement about your future husband being in the same point in his life is complete junk. Please don't assume that Mr. Right is out there waiting for you at this current moment, just waiting until YOU are spiritually ready and God gives the okay.

That idea makes God out to look like He gives us good things when we do good. If you really think that you will never see your spiritual growth as drawing you nearer HIM, but drawing you nearer to your future husband which will not end well.

Also, thinking that your future one is out there waiting will hurt you in having false expectations of where he may be. You don't know the physical, emotional, and relational attachments he has had in his life, just like he doesn't know yours as well. Thinking that when you two meet you will both have just been sitting around waiting for each other is somewhat unrealistic.

Many of you who are waiting may hate me right now, and I'm not about to throw it down for being a realistic bigot.

I am just trying to get across the point that you shouldn't be WAITING FOR HIM. You should be driving into God to the point where waiting isn't something you should do or a discipline, it is just apart of who you are. What does that mean?

That means that there is no expectation that at the end of your "waiting" you will get something, but that if you dive into your relationship with God and one day you meet someone, it won't be a trade off, but an opportunity to join someone else's diving in. That to me is relationship.

Lastly, if I haven't offended you already, I want you to remember that physically waiting (which we will get to tomorrow) is awesome, and that my telling you he or she isn't waiting right now isn't to make you run out and find someone to break that patience with. I am just saying that if you want him to be open to God's work through you, physical past and all, please don't assume that he's never been physically or emotionally intimate with someone else.

It will hurt you so much more if you allow that expectation to be in place before you even meet him. Especially when you view your waiting as means for him to have been pure. Life doesn't really work that way, nor does God. Instead, be open to the fact that God can USE life experience to bring you to a better understanding of one another, and to show grace to each other with the lives you have had before meeting.

Obviously this article left me a little bitter, and I don't mean to come off harsh, just open. You can disagree with one to all of my points, but I do want to say that if you enjoy your life now, there really isn't much that you can be disappointed in later. The joy that I'm talking about stems from a deep, solid relationship with Christ, and not for any other purpose then to simply love Him. (The right "him"!) :)

Sleep tight!

Mr. Spirituality

A few years ago I was working at a camp up in Washington. On my first day I met a boy named Jake. Jake was one of the cutest boys at camp, with his side swooped Justin Bieber haircut to his naturally flirtatious personally, what was I supposed to do? Jake pulled me aside in the first week, recognizing our natural attraction for one another and explained to me that he was interested but didn’t know what to do with his feelings.

There was a strict no dating policy at the camp and I knew at that moment the thought of us being together would now be gradually pervasive to my thought life all summer, regardless of acting on it our not.

(Camp Counseling Side Note: If you meet someone at camp that you are attracted to. Do them a favor and give them the summer to focus on the reason they are there in the first place. If this person is upset with your decision to not recognize your feelings for them, then they aren’t in the right place to be dating anyway. Also, waiting for that person throughout the summer is not the end of the world…3 months people! Plus, a respectful relationship, marked by the commitment to sidestep your emotions and give them the summer to be devoted to their campers is one that will take on a genuinely selfless and a solid foundation. If the man is willing to respect the policy, staff, and spiritual life of the woman and vice-versa, that is something to be seen as true leadership!)

So now I was in the awkward position of knowing that Jake was interested, but having to let it go and pay attention to my work. The summer didn’t end well. I ended up seeing a side of Jake that I absolutely fell for…his spiritual maturity. He had this ability to plug in with his campers on a deep level. He always had his face glued to his Bible, and he never failed to encourage me to find strength in the Lord. However genuine all of this may have been, it doesn’t change the fact that Jake was now crossing into spiritual false intimacy with me.

A few days after our first “DTR”, Jake started asking me to share with him my prayer requests. We would pray for one another weekly and challenge each other in our faith. The next view I have chosen to take in my life I can guarantee several of you will find rather controversial. I don’t believe this was appropriate in our friendship. Yes, I think that praying for a friend is beneficial and a wonderful concept, but I don’t think it is acceptable to be challenging one another in our walks, nor sharing our weaknesses at that point in our relationship.

I don’t think it was acceptable because it began to toy with my mind, emotions, and heart in a way that I never expected. Jake was taking on characteristics of being a spiritual leader in my life, without any form of commitment to one another. That is scary grounds for allowing someone into an aspect of your life that should remain protected for someone who has made known that they will lead you beyond that point in your life.

Jake was a summer fling. Each week when we would talk, it ended with more and more of a spiritual attachment to him. I became unfocused in my faith, my counseling, and my other relationships at camp. You could say that much of this was on account of how weak I was prior to the summer in my faith. You could even say that this idea of putting boundaries in place is only necessary if you are like me, or if you are me. Whatever you may think, I’m telling you that personally, this ruined me and my potential of relationship with Jake in the future.

As I grew throughout the summer, I began linking my spiritual growth to Jake as an individual. When the summer ended, I decided to talk to Jake about where we should go from there. (Relationship side note: If the woman is having to initiate that conversation, something is most likely wrong with where that conversation will go.) I told Jake how I felt, how I really thought this was something that could work, even though we lived a few hours away from one another.

I’ll never forget it. We walked over to an old dance hall. The rain had just started to drizzle and he sat me down, my hands in his. He looked at me and told me that he was so sorry. He just kept repeating it, no explanation. Finally, he explained that he had not only told me that he was interested, but two other girls as well. He played me. He straight up used the word “played” in his explanation, and I was broken. He walked away, me sitting there as it started to pour. One of the most epic but brutally hurtful situations I had experienced up to that point in my life.

Not only did I have to say goodbye to Jake once I left that summer, but I had to say goodbye to a friendship that would never be. Jake and I have seen each other a few times since. We both have apologized for what happened that summer, but those are three months of serious investment I can’t get back.

That lesson taught me that I had to start putting boundaries in place when it comes to my conversations with guys, both friend and relationship wise. I can’t link my spiritual growth to an individual, especially one who isn’t even in a relationship with me. Girls, this is crucial when getting to know someone and putting yourself in a vulnerable situation spiritually. When giving my testimony to mixed gender groups, it sounds a lot different then when talking to women directly. In the same way, with certain topics I tend to even try and remain aware of what I am saying in discussing them.

I don’t think theological conversation is bad, I don’t think that even sharing your story is harmful, but when you are using such things in a way that bonds you through them, that is where I struggle at not creating a more intimate connection. I don’t even have “church dates” with boys, where we go to church together as a date. If I go to church with guys at all, I take communion on my own, and don’t do the whole physical touch and affirmation during prayer or worship thing.

Those are some of my boundaries. I’m not suggesting you have the same, I’m explaining that you should become aware of the spiritually stimulating situations you are placing yourself in. I’ll never forget witnessing one of my friends go to chapel with a guy that she liked. Midway through chapel, during prayer, he grabbed her hand and began praying with her. Afterwards, she came up to me ecstatic, claiming that he was such a spiritual leader! I became a bit nervous that the pattern she was setting now would push what I like to call the “marriage expectation” on him in the future.

Another reason I like to place boundaries in spiritual settings it that I don’t think it is fair to expect men who are interested in me to be my husband. You might thing that sounds crazy, or dumb, or obvious but the sad thing is I find that it is all too common. Women start connecting with men on the spiritual level, and begin reprimanding them for things that are entirely ridiculous at that stage of their relationship. There was a girl once who came to me frustrated that the boy she had just started dating wasn’t leading them in daily devotions. I looked at her and said that I didn’t even think it was my husband’s job to take care of my devotional life. I got a pretty dirty look, but I meant what I said.

The problem is that (which is in my book but far to big and issue to get in via blogspot) I think sometimes women get this idea in their head that “spiritual leader” means “spiritual dominator” which isn’t true. The problem is that I still believe in a dating relationship that you are to completely take care of your own spiritual life as an individual. I don’t think its healthy to dive in spiritually with someone who may end up linking their growth to you (as I did with Jake) and then once your relationship is over miss out on carrying that growth over to the next relationship.

I’d rather enjoy the time I have with the person pursuing me by getting to know him, understanding his views and where he is at in life as well with the Lord, but not having to take on the role of spiritual motivator for someone I’m not committed to. I don’t want to cheat myself out of that experience when it comes time for the right man to encourage and motivate, as well as be motivated by. I think it is alright to pray for one another (I’ve said this already but I want you to understand), but the praying over one another, being in prayer together, that is just something I don’t think needs to happen in a dating relationship, or with a guy friend.

Friends, I’m not trying to say that you should never talk about Christ with someone, and I hope you hear my heart in sharing this opinion with you. I don’t want you to even assume that the boundaries I have in place in my life are what are right. For me, however, I know that I need to put certain limitations in place while I’m being single to remain protected from what happened with Jake. That is me alone. I’m just encouraging you to find what is right for you.

Camp Highs and the Right Guys

Have you ever met someone, heard his or her life story and felt an instant connection? It doesn’t even really matter what you chose to talk about after that, because you have just reached the deepest level your friendship will go right off the bat. Okay, that was a bit facetious, but there it truth to that statement.

When I was in high school I used to play this game with the boys that I liked. It was called “The Question Game”, and I’m about 90% sure that the majority of you know exactly what I’m talking about. It starts out super innocent, with questions like, “What is your favorite color?” or “What are you most afraid of?”. As the game progresses though, things get a little hazier in the appropriate department. Before you know it you are asking questions like, “How far have you gone?” or “What is your darkest secret?”. These questions, along with several others serve primary basis for what I like to call, “false intimacy”.

False intimacy, not a thought I came up with on my own by any means, is kind of like a “camp high” in the real world. Have you ever attended a summer camp? It is as though the directors pack as many possible spiritual motivating discussions, worship nights, and emotionally draining cabin times into a weekend, on top of lack of sleep, sugar rushes, and high tensions all to create this inner feeling of both happiness, exhaustion, and excitement.

The moment you get back from camp all you want to do is go back, especially when you realize that there the similarities between reality and your camp experience are few. There is a strong sense of disappointment even that settles once the realization is made.

In the same way, we can share moments in life: spiritually, emotionally, physically, and situational that push us to creating deep bonds with one another that seem to lack relational depth once the experience settles.

This can be most easily depicted as a truffle. If you jumped right into the truffle, riding it of its chocolaty goodness, you’d be rather disappointed when left with the empty outer shell, wouldn’t you? It wouldn’t be the same as experiencing the truffle as a whole, allowing every taste to be just as fulfilling as the next. Plus, if you eat a truffle in one bite, you aren’t only left with a quick but disappointing ending, but also usually accompanied by a stomachache.

The point is that we are living in a fast paced, get to the point now culture. From technology advances to buying sermons for your iPod, we want to hear the truth as quickly and as to the point as possible. This idea of cheating discovery of another person out by jumping to the best part first, leaves relationships with a overall lack of satisfaction, as well as unrealistic expectations that every moment shared will be just the same.

I’ve seen too many individuals recognize this phenomenon, and actually use it to their advantage. Much like my questions game, I soon realized that (given the right discussion topic) I could make any man become rather interested in what I had to say. I would share my deep, thought-provoking, unique ideas on dating that would leave them thinking that I was not only a great catch, but also that we had a “true connection”. It was bad, it was manipulative, and I’m not happy that I did it, but I’m making the point know that you should know better.

The next few blogs will be spent breaking down the practical side of what this looks like in our daily lives. On our Christian college campuses especially (not that isn’t generationally relevant), I see too many people jump into these situations. It especially irks me when women come to me and ask why so and so likes them, when it is a direct result from this sort of thing. I’m not saying that sharing impacting life together is bad, but in regards to being single especially, I believe that appropriate boundaries are necessary. Not only in saving yourself from a potential leading on of someone else, but also in protecting your heart in the process from the “camp high”.

Why I want to do this.

A Penny for My Thoughts?

Have you ever heard that silly little phrase, "Find a penny pick it up, the rest of the day you'll have good luck?" Well, it used to be one of my favorites, until I was home for Christmas this year. My mom and I were out shopping about and found a penny laying on the ground. She bent down to pick it up and immediately shot back up! To my surprise she didn't pick the penny up. She actually flipped the penny to be on the "heads" side. She told me that the rest of the little jingle states that if it is tails up, you must flip the penny over for the next person to have a lucky day!

Amazed, I marked that moment as quite an eye opener in my life...being around two months ago, I guess you could say my findings as an individual are a bit more dramatic than the common man. But nonetheless, it caught me off guard. I thought to myself how interesting it would be if we treated others in the same way.

To me, finding someone who shares similar views to you, is rather charming, and treats you along with their family (especially mother) with respect is considered a blessing. In this day and age, I find it odd that we seem to prize this concept of marriage, as though finding it is somehow affirmation that we have done something right in our lives. While marriage is good, I think that this whole ordeal of marking it as something to attain for status, self confidence, or a recognition that someone was fond of you enough to commit for life is a little bit jaded.

Especially being a Christian young adult, marriage is the idea of fulfillment within church culture. I can't remember the last church service at a young adult focused church I went to that didn't have me feeling apart of a meat market the moment I showed up. How about the fact that I am a Christian Education (ministries) major? It is almost unthinkable that I would ever be single at this age! Women who hear of my relationship status find ways of adding their sons numbers into my phone, or having accidental run-ins at the local Starbucks with their most handsome candidate for me to try out. It feels as though I'm on an episode of Oprah each time I share that I am single in church. The women all seem to have a cue card with the appropriate "aww" making me feel like a sad excuse for a woman.

The truth is that, to me, dating and marriage are both to be taken as a blessing. So, when my mother explained the value in leaving something better than before for the next person who interacts with it. I couldn't help my over-analytical spirit from linking it to my relationship with men. When I meet someone, someday, who I truly believe is someone to pursue a committed relationship with, I get to pick that penny right on up! However, if I treat each interaction as seeing the penny, recognizing its worth, but leaving it better than how I came across in the first place for the next woman who passes on by, then I have not only done the penny a favor, nor the woman who picks it up, but also myself.

I wouldn't want to settle with a tails up penny! I'd appreciate, if God has someone for me to be with out there, that the women coming into contact with him now would have the same attitude. I don't honestly know if I will ever get to pick a penny up, but what better way to remind myself that its worth it when I get to see other women cash in on quality, wise, and mature men? All positively influenced from those they have met beforehand.

Marriage to me isn't a goal, because there is no fun in seeking to find a penny and coming up short. I'd rather stumble upon one someday, if the timing is right, and be blessed by its presence at that point in time. (Not to say that my eyes are completely closed of course!) Plus, it sometimes takes a few turn overs for the penny to be just right! You wouldn't want to cheat a penny out of its shine, now would you? So, the next time you walk by a penny on the ground, keep in mind the joy of you finding something rather special, but also the beauty in creating that special moment for someone else!

As always...

Hello friends. This usually happens. I get this somewhat remarkable idea that I should begin one of these blogs, and after a few times of trying to keep up with it my motivation starts to fade, and I become distracted with the next best thing. That is why this time around there are no promises. I'm not out of the country, I haven't decided to try and dare myself into anything new, and for the first time in my life I believe that I am exactly where God wants me.

You may not believe in God. You may not even believe in half of the things I propose within my writing, and while I will tell you right now that I will most likely disagree with your disagreements, I welcome them with the humble recognition that I, myself, could be wrong. In fact, several times I am blatantly wrong, obviously wrong, ridiculously wrong, and even obnoxiously wrong. The beauty of my writing this blog isn't to entertain you, or develop your own thought life. It isn't to alter how you view the world, or give you a revolutionary new outlook on life.

It is to write.

My friends, God (the one I claim is the King of my life), has blessed me with a gift of wanting to speak to this generation about the boundaries necessary to live a glorifying, fulfilling, and non-victimizing single life. I think we get so caught up in our Christian culture with the next best book on how to date the right one, how to be the right one, what a perfect marriage looks like, and often times (while they are all helpful) we come up short in our understanding of what to do when we aren't dating the one, aren't trying to become the one for someone else, nor in a relationship or marriage.

My writing is devoted to trying to understand just that. How do I live a single life the way that a single life was designed to be lived? Is there even a design in the singleness of an individual? What if the one is spending his time alone at this moment, or with the wrong "one" in his life? Does that mean that we will never meet? Have I already met him? Does everyone have someone out there?

All valid questions. All questions that are often placed by authors on the spectrum of obvious. I think we commonly get looked over for being single (if you are single that is). It is as though authors, speakers, leaders have assumed that we should already have it taken care of. I mean it can't be that hard to live a single life, right? Hence there aren't many Christian books out there to help us out, because they assume we don't need it.

Well, I don't know about you, but I am willing to be the first to admit that I DO.

I do need direction because, to be quite honest I spent 20 out of my 21 years on this earth screwing up what I was supposed to already understand. I didn't know how to date, nor take care of myself as a single woman. I thought it was supposed to be easy, I thought that because of that fact I must be an entirely horrible individual for screwing up what was so simple. I was wrong.

I think that there is so much justification in the fact that we are ignorant. If it is not written, or spoken about, how can we be expected to know how to live in such a way?

We utilize that to continuously stumble through our own "research": falling in love, crossing physical boundaries, and even leaving the broken behind in our quest to continue to find discovery on our own terms, because no other terms were presented to us.

Well I'm tired. I am sick of not putting down on paper what I truly believe and want to know more about.

Many of you know I'm rather ambitious in working on a book at this moment about living a single life.

I thought it would be a great idea to start working through with you some of my ideas, perspectives.

I welcome the challenge in hearing your input on my thoughts being entirely ridiculous.

I also value your affirmation that some may not be that far off of how life actually is.

Finally, I'm telling you flat out that I'm not grammatically correct, nor conscience of writing technique.

This is me, my thoughts, incomplete and still being worked through, asking for the favor of you helping me find truth to all that I have going on in this crazy head of mine!

I'm not going to become bored and leave you mid-discovery. I am dedicated to working these feelings through.

Thank you so much, I hope you enjoy these next few months!