Time to Do This...

I gave myself a little break the past few days to gather my thoughts. Truth is, this has been one of the most impacting learning times in my life as a young adult. I can't believe I am on my way to graduating in four short months. In fact, the whole "real world" feeling kind of freaks me out a bit. I wouldn't say that I am unprepared, or not ready, I would just say that it is always funny to me the expectation us college students have of the months to come after graduation. Suddenly, I won't have to be doing homework every single night of the week. I won't get the joy of swiping a student id card to get a meal if I want one, I won't have to held accountable to going to chapel every few mornings, and I won't feel panicked one entire week out of each season, focusing on the wonderful priority known as finals. I will be graduated, and ready for an entirely new season of life.

Graduation holds for me a time of getting to focus on my ministry, and ministry alone. My thoughts of having my book completed by May are still very much in place...but the reality of being a final semester senior and having to take up a part-time job to save for loans, on top of a ministry position at a church blessing me with a scholarship each semester, and being active on campus seems to make my deadline pretty downright unachievable. The hope I have is in prioritizing now a way to get my book underway at a steady pace, so that I can at least start writing small articles for magazine competitions and such by the end of February.

As I was sitting in church on Sunday, my heart began to beat alongside the music challenging us to giving God our whole selves. For me, that means that I may not necessarily have the perfect timeline, or know what I will be doing in four months from now, or even have the slightest idea of how a minimum wage job will play into a move to Northern California...but I DO know that for today, I want God to utilize my passion in giving me urgency to maintain this blog, and speak in a way that is a light for His people.

I don't want to get so focused on my idealistic concept of what God can do with my life. That isn't necessarily giving the Lord my whole self, it is giving Him what I want to happen and praying I am right. I was doing my devotion last night and as I was writing down prayers, it dawned on me that my prayers are somewhat repetitive. I know that the Lord loves hearing me share what is truly on my heart, but I also know that He is already very aware of my desires. I know that He knows how I feel about my job situation, and post-graduation plans. I know that He knows how thankful I am for Shea, and prayerfully hoping that our relationship will grow each day. I know that He understands my longing to speak for His glory.

What I do think I struggle with is allowing God to hear beyond my hopes and desires. I want the Lord to hear where I am in the moment, not just what I want and when. Last night I realized that these are the last four months I will have attending Biola. This is the last time I will live in my apartment in Southern California. I will most likely never step foot in the Biola Fitness Center to workout after graduation. I also won't have the luxury of going from dorm to dorm when I please to visit friends. JUST as important as what is to come is cherishing what is already being unveiled at this moment.

My attention came back to the things which I hope for in this final semester of mine. I started praying through viewing myself as His daughter, something I often fail to do. I began asking for change in my mentality of how I workout, something I always share with you. I also started praying through the next few weeks of transition back into my house and with my roommates. Something too that really hit home was the fact that the Lord has equipped me with the ability through Him to reach the goals which I long for, but the real question lies in those goals being according to His plan.

Before I step into the "real world", I'd like to take full advantage of this one. Last night at church, we were charged with the goal of becoming honest in our prayers. As I started to pray I realize how quick I am to focus on things that are so far from happening. I think I do this to avoid what is going on in my own head in the moment. Just as much as I always share to be apart of today, and the present, I think we need to also focus on who we are in this minute.

I get so caught up with who I can be one day. I focus on what life will be like without the responsibility of classes each day. I get so excited to let go of my college experience, but I AM STILL IN IT. I can't take away from the beautiful growth that is already occurring in this day, nor what is to come these last few months. So today I pray for today. I pray for using the passion I have for the future by fueling the writing that I share now.

If you could be praying for my book. I am starting to process through old situations, and my heart is still very much affected by certain things from my past. Pray that the Lord blesses me with truth and honesty, and also recognition that He is my saving grace, and that these past memories are just that...memories.

Tonight wasn't so much about giving you a standard to live by, or helping you in your relationships, it was just about sharing a bit of my heart in the unfolding of this process, so I hope my own realizations aren't dull or uneventful, because to me they are some of the most treasured things that I have.

Love you,

Kendra