I'm Sorry...I'm Sorry...I'm Sorry

I say the phrase, "I am sorry." roughly thirty to forty times a day. I wish I was kidding with you, but if it isn't fully out loud and proud it is quietly under my breath. I say it for various things such as a child falling down ten feet from me, standing in the way of someone trying to squeeze through an aisle at the supermarket, or even in thanking and then apologizing to the person coming out of the bathroom stall before me, as though it is there home and they are allowing me to use it. Whatever it may be I apologize A LOT...and sadly so much so that I rarely even think the weight of the words sink in anymore.

Ever since I was a little girl I didn't receive many apologies. When kids were mean to me at school I apologized to them, as though they had full reason to treat me the ways that they did and I was sorry that I was reacting to their teasing. The same feeling of guilt followed me through grade school, when I started apologizing for other people. I remember watching kids hurt other kids, and going to the victims to share my sincerity in apologizing for what was done to them. I had this intense urgency to ensure that, even if the guilty party wasn't going to give them an apology, they deserved one...and therefore I stepped in.

The problem is that it not only gets annoying to people that are around me all the time, but by apologizing for EVERYTHING...and I mean EVERYTHING...I start to play victim a lot. In my own life, I default to sadness or rejection when being attacked, not anger or vengeance. Because of this tactic, I'm often left running to the other person to make amends. Some people may find this absolutely crazy, but since I was about seven I took the verse in the Bible about "not letting the sun set on your anger" VERY seriously. If I had an argument with my mom and she left the house for some reason or another without it solved, I would call her cell phone and immediately apologize until everything was fine again.

I have this fear that if things are left unresolved and something happens, I will forever remember the last time being with someone as a time of hurt or pain. I think I probably watched far too many episodes of Maury as a child, and grew up thinking that if I could just make sure all my connections remained healthy or at least content, I could be at ease.

I don't hold grudges very well. In fact, I don't even hold anger very well. It takes A LOT to make me angry, because like I said...I default sad. If someone is upset with me, I cry, I don't get frustrated or mad. This creates a lot of emotional stress in my life, given that I usually will push aside my hurt and immediately apologize even if I don't think I did anything technically wrong.

Tonight was a breaking point for me. A friend of mine stood me up for the third time this week. She was frustrated with me for not thinking of something to do and immediately pulled away and left me hanging...again. Now to set the stage, this "friend" tends to be rather flakey. In fact, I think she has about a 75% rate of standing me up versus seeing me when I'm home on break, and that is with coffee dates scheduled and all. The worst part is that I still do my best to schedule times to hang out together, hoping that I can maintain some sort of relationship with her in the process.

I had already rescheduled this night twice beforehand, yet there I sat...on some random side street, balling my eyes out because I had been ditched...AGAIN. What made matters worse was that she utilized being frustrated with my lack of options to throw all the guilt of us not getting together tonight on me. I didn't even have a chance...and now I probably won't see her until sometime next fall.

As soon as she shared that she didn't want to spend time with me, I did what I do best...started apologizing. Now this friend has flaked out for the third time this week, and I am the one saying sorry? I sit here tonight not even so upset at the friend (trust me I am still upset) but more upset with my own actions. Rather than sharing how hurt I was by the situation, I immediately turned it into giving her the affirmation that it was all my fault.

You see, there are times in life when we have justification to our frustration. It doesn't mean that you can react to it however you would like, but it does mean that you are okay to be upset by it. I watched "The Firm" last night on TV with my parents. A man's son was killed in a school fight and the one that killed his son wasn't sent to prison for it due to being a minor. The man hired a hit man to kill the murderer, but thankfully the main character intervened and charged the father for conspiracy to kill. The man had full right to be angry. He was entirely justified in being frustrated by the situation, but how he dealt with it almost landed himself in prison, and made the family not only lose a son...but a father as well.

Now that is a very DRAMATIZED and extreme situation. It does justice though for my point. If we throw around apologies like they are greetings we run the risk of either a. ridding the statement of any genuine heart behind it, or b. really setting a pattern for thinking that we are always at fault. This line of thinking transfers horrendously in relationships. If you already take the guilty role in your own life before entering into a relationship with someone else, you have very dangerous territory for being taken advantage of in the relationship.

Praise God my boyfriend doesn't see this as a weakness, or something to use to his advantage. Instead, he helps me build myself up daily in the Lord, and allows me to see that sometimes I really don't need to apologize. I even apologize for having feelings the majority of the time. If I have a bad day and am talking about it with someone in a good mood, I apologize. If I am angry at a situation..I apologize. Even if I am crying my eyes out and someone walks in...I apologize. I apologize for EVERYTHING.

In the Christian world I need to recognize my freedom from condemnation in Christ. I need to accept that I have the ability to be upset and the allowance of feeling bad, but that I need to give those things to the Lord, and WORK THROUGH THEM. Being quick to apologize is just as bad as avoiding apologies altogether. Either way, you are cheating yourself out of gaining the growth from accepting fault when needed, and sharing honestly and openly with those that have hurt you. Relationships are blessed with appropriate vulnerability. Sometimes it has been in conflict resolution that I have grown the most with my friends.

This is something I have talked about working on for quite some time. Tonight, I was forced to look at the choices I am making in taking the blame and really see the impact they are having on my view of myself. If I really do believe that I am always the root of the problem, I am creating an insecurity in myself and also not viewing myself in the way that God does. He loves me unconditionally, through my human sinful state, each day. I am made whole in Him and Him alone and it is about time I start living in response to that truth.

I would challenge you if you are doing the same thing in your own life. Maybe there is someone you've been apologizing to for quite a long while, but really your apologies leave you feeling empty and in pain. Don't be afraid to talk through what you may be feeling. It isn't always best in the heat of the moment to try and talk through such things, but even giving yourself time to feel the frustration, and then allowing God to work through it.

Tonight, I am praying that I start to take my apologies more seriously, and stop thinking that everything is my fault. I am learning that it takes a pretty BOLD step in faith to go against my natural tendency of apologizing all the time, but it gives me such joy to think of all that I can accomplish with Christ's strength spurring me on.

So, live in freedom friends, and allow your words to be as meaningful as the emotions which you feel.

Love,

Kendra