Relationships are tough. They just are. There are going to be happy times and sad times, busy times and relaxed times, nervous times and calm times, times where you want to yell at the top of your lungs, cry your heart out, or sing and dance with joy. God didn't promise that finding someone would be easy, nor is there a verse suggestion that once you do, things will always be blissful and romantic. I would like to tell you that I wish it all could be that easy, but then I would be taking away from my relationships with my closest friends, parents, family members, boyfriend, and most importantly...Christ. If things were always "simple" with each, I wouldn't be the woman that I am before you today. I wouldn't know how to mend broken spirits after hurtful comments or banters, I wouldn't know how to watch someone's response towards a situation and see that there is much more lying underneath the surface, I wouldn't know how to work at downfalls in my own life so things don't happen again, and above all else...I wouldn't know how to love.
Knowing how to love well is an extension of knowing how to forgive well. It is learning that, although life doesn't always seem like butterflies and sugar plums, love can be granted regardless of certain circumstances you may be in. Love is a choice. A friend shared with me some marvelous insight that made perfect sense. She stated, "My boyfriend and I choose daily to be in love." Choosing to love is a tough one. Some people may say that you aren't with "the right one" if you have to do this on more than one occasion. Others might say that you know you are with the right one when the choice comes "naturally".
The problem is that it isn't natural for me to be in a relationship. I don't mean that saying that I don't WANT to be in one, or I don't LIKE being in one. On the contrary, I LOVE being in one...but that isn't because I am programmed to naturally fall in love with someone and know exactly how to conduct myself. Boy are there somedays that I wish that wasn't the case...but that wouldn't be love at all. Take my relationship with the Lord. Falling in love with God is a daily choice. I have to be willing to focus my heart on Christ and His Word. I take time to get to know Him, time to thank Him, and time to prayerfully commit my life to Him. It doesn't just "happen" that I love Him.
It isn't totally natural to do either. I could be perfectly content living my life alone (well sort of). See, if I had never been introduced to the Lord I would be able to say that with full confidence. That is why love is so beautiful. If you asked me if I could live apart from Him now I would tell you, "No way!" That is because I am in love with the Lord. It is because before Him I knew no difference. I didn't know what life with Him was like because I hadn't experienced it yet. Now that I have, I wouldn't change it for the world! But falling in love with God is still a choice, one that I make every day and throughout the day when the world presents me with tempting offers of other things to commit myself to.
Similarly, I knew how to live a single life well, it came so natural to me. I didn't know anything other than living without someone, but if you asked me if I do it now after being with Shea I would tell you, "No way!" See, being in a relationship doesn't mean that you've won the prize. It doesn't mean that life is supposed to get easier from that point on because your circumstances will drastically change or suddenly your biggest dreams come true. It does mean that you now have the opportunity to have a partner in experiencing life with, not a Savior. A partner is someone who is playing alongside you, striving towards the same goal. He isn't the coach. He doesn't have perfect knowledge of where to take you or how to get there, but he is learning much like you.
The beauty of falling in love is that you CHOOSE to love beyond the mistakes that will be made. You don't fold after one round of a bad hand. You don't quit simply because there is an uphill incline ahead. You choose to commit yourself to saying that you will love before it, through it, and after it. Praise God He does this with me on a daily basis. He sees my downfalls completely. He knows that I fail, and that I am weak, but He loves me beyond foolishness. Now I'm not going to pretend that you can love as unconditionally and well as the Lord. If that were true, we wouldn't need Him. But it isn't. The truth is that we are human, and that we will have moments of annoyance, hurt, frustration, anxiety, happiness, peace, and the list goes on and on. It means that there will be times where things don't seem perfect or incredibly easy or "natural".
It does mean that it is your and your partner's choice to CHOOSE beyond the short term interference. It means that you have to be willing to put into perspective the hard times in comparison with the love that you have for one another. It also means that you don't ignore each other in the process and try to go through it alone. It doesn't work that way. You have to be willing to be honest in the moments of hardship because THAT IS LOVE. Love is also strengthening your relationship by being the defense against moments of attack.
I fail at this one so often. I get frustrated and upset and try to tuck my emotions down in order to appear as the cool and confident girlfriend. Then, Satan begins going to town on my mind and emotions about how much of a screw up I am. I still don't say anything and end up hopeless, hurt, and drained from it all. God doesn't say that you ever are to do it alone. That isn't love either. Love isn't pretending that you've got everything under control ALL THE TIME. For me, it was such a humbling moment the other night to recognize that my relationship suffers as a result of me not allowing my boyfriend to be aware of my heart in feeling attacked by the enemy. The instant we shared in that together and utilized one another, as well as our love for the Lord, the enemy was defeated.
The thing is that it isn't just a one time thing. There will be so many moments where you will have to decide if you are going to love or run. If you aren't willing to face those moments together I can guarantee you won't be willing to have a realistic perspective of your relationship. I have never met a couple in my life who didn't say that there were/are/will go through times of trouble together, but that that each time their love for one another grew as a result.
So...now onto the hardest part I've been facing this week...the distance. Distance creates a pretty tough drain on the whole growing together aspect. It is hard to put so much emotion into texting, e-mailing, and the phone. What I am learning though is that having a Christ-centered relationship doesn't mean that you get a "Get Out of Jail Free" card in your own walk with the Lord. If you have ever read my perspective on Christian Dating, then you know my views on praying together, devotions, and walking for the other person. I don't think you should ever view your relationship with the Lord as someone else's. That is YOURS AND GOD'S. It doesn't mean that you don't join in it with your husband someday, but it does mean that you have to recognize you still have the active role in being with the Lord. For me, that means not only choosing to love in times of trouble, but choosing to love and be loved by the Lord.
God sustains me. My relationship doesn't. It isn't that it isn't the most amazing blessing I've experienced to date, trust me...it is! It is more the truth that I am sustained by God and God alone. I don't do this because I don't trust my boyfriend or think he is an amazing guy...but once again, he is human just like myself. We can't sustain each other because we fail so often, and will continue to do so. With God as my Sustainer though, the hard times don't seem so terrifyingly awful, the distance doesn't seem so far apart, and the growth happens.
But that also is a choice...one that I realized drastically alters my perspective on each time...good or bad. Suddenly, in choosing to be sustained by God the lows don't seem or feel so low anymore and the highs don't seem fake or short-lived. Instead, God amplifies each moment by bringing me to Him first, and my boyfriend second. He humbles me, He allows me to see where I need to grow, and by acknowledging the times that I do fail through the freedom of His love, I can love better. I can forgive better. I can live better.
So tonight my challenge is a little different. It isn't about telling you to go and find some hard times so you and the person you are with can grow together. It is about asking you what is sustaining you? Does the fact that you had a tough conversation with your boyfriend deem your day as "terrible"? Does the fact that you got into a fight last night make today "horrible"? It doesn't mean that you should not be affected by the hard, but instead embrace it. Recognize that by God sustaining you, you can CHOOSE to LOVE beyond it. You can WORK THROUGH those times and find hope in Him before placing it all upon your expectation of how things should get better.
Hope this helps to some extent,
Kendra S. Wise
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