The Waiting Game

“When the going get’s tough…”, “Making lemons into…”, “When you get kicked off of that horse…”, “Try, try and…” Sayings are quite common these days when life gets tough. When things get hard it seems as though there is a universal mentality to push through for if you don’t you will fail. This is common sense. If you don’t try then you won’t succeed. But what about when you do try, in fact you continue to try and try and try and still find yourself exactly where you started?

Did you know that several people have commented on how lucky the man is who gets to marry me? I love it. I really do! It is just such a sweet reminder that someday someone will be blessed by the relationship that we can have together. The problem is that the comments tend to be bittersweet, especially when they suggest that perhaps I am just to be patient. You see, being patient is something I thrive in. In fact I am so good at being patient that I tend to miss out on several opportunities. The upside is that I also miss out on several negative situations and thus remain protected as well.

The real problem is waiting. There is a BIG difference to me from waiting versus being patient. See, patience relies on staying put with no intended outcome. For instance, I could be patient in wanting a husband one day. I don’t necessarily know who it is or when I’ll meet him but I am perfectly content staying put until God makes it very clear. Now “staying put” is somewhat of a stretch because I tend to be an actively patient person, meaning that I will utilize the time I do have for better things such as writing this book or learning a new talent like guitar playing, or investing in a ministry opportunity. Waiting is the concept of knowing what outcome will be and having to wait to receive it. For instance, if I have someone in mind who I would like to get to know on a more personal level, but knowing that the timing is off right now. That kind of waiting I officially suck at.

Now you may think that they are the same, but for me my life is testimony to the truth of my two definitions. I was patient for over a year for someone. I had no solid affirmation that anything would happen at the end of the year, but I still stayed put, knowing that I could be patient forever if he needed it. It was entirely unrealistic, and perhaps that is what hooked me in. Now how it ended was not entirely his fault, for I also remained silent during the patience period. This is one that I still have no idea how to act in. How do you treat someone you like as though you don’t, knowing this isn’t the right time, but still give him the confidence to pursue you in the future? You’ll have to ask someone else about that one!

The waiting game is so much more about taking signals, guessing, assuming, idealizing, and romanticizing things. It puts everything on a dramatic scale from text messages to late night chats to silly gestures to whatever it may be! Women, including myself, become oversensitive to actions and become so analytical that they talk themselves into or out of falling for that person on a deeper level. This has happened to me numerous times in my life. It actually almost puts my over-guilty conscience into a state of wanting to apologize for it. I actually find myself feeling sorry to the guy who I like for making such a big deal about things!

As I was expressing this to a friend earlier today, she gave me a piece of advice that I will never forget. She told me that we should expect. That word “expect”, it freaks me out a bit. I have never been one to EXPECT someone would fall for me. I have always just assumed that a guy wouldn’t until he said something about it. As over-dramatizing women can be about the waiting period, they shouldn’t feel sorry for taking actions incorrectly if they are depicted in the real world as misleading. For instance, if a man spends all his time with you, woos you, and gives you the impression he wants more, then you shouldn’t be sorry for taking things wrongly. It is so difficult though because it isn’t black and white.

I have seen so many women be led on by men by taking certain things wrongly. Sometimes, it is a little ridiculous the things that they do take as men pursuing them. Once I had a friend tell me she though this guy was interested because he needed help on his homework. The poor kid genuinely needed help on his homework! It is like guys don’t have a chance anymore just to be nice! But on the flipside I had another friend who was treated as a guy’s girlfriend for a few months until he said something about how he wasn’t interested…she was crushed, but almost felt like she had made it all up in her head. I personally got to watch the situation unfold, and I can tell you that it most definitely wasn’t her fault alone!

So what is a girl to do? When a guy likes me, I give him the confidence to ask me out by being supportive, encouraging, and caring. I treat him and him alone a specific way so that if he asked around or saw me interact with other guys there would be no question in his mind that he is special. It is honestly the best I can do without spelling it out for him. If a guy still isn’t taking the hint, then I get stuck. I still want a guy to pursue me. I don’t want to have to be the one who says it first or asks him out. A friend of mine went ten hours out of his way once to just talk to the girl he liked, so I know guys have it in them. If he doesn’t ask me out I take it as him not being interested and move on. Once I did that with a friend of mine, then after I had already moved on he told me that he liked me. I was crushed. He told me that sometimes guys just need more time. This still puts the girl in a tough situation! So are you saying I should 1.Give a guy confidence to ask me out. 2. Wait for the one I do want. 3. If he isn’t interested give him time. Okay, but then what if there are other opportunities happening all around me that I am missing out on as a result, especially if the guy doesn’t end up feeling the same?

You probably would give me the advice that if I “really like him” it shouldn’t matter. I agree with you, but my heart has been hurt so many times before that just sitting there, turning down other offers, and waiting like some love sick puppy makes me feel vulnerable, afraid, and like my defenses are down. It is in this stage that Satan begins to play on my insecurities, “You aren’t good enough.” “If you were just (fill in the blank)” “You should just find someone else, he doesn’t care about you anyway.” It is awful and I feel like a fool. The biggest fear of my life is that I will not follow the will of God. That fear alone has kept me entirely locked up from any man trying to pursue me.

So the whole game puts to me is just a lose-lose situation, and why would I want to invest in that? Because sometimes, regardless of how much you don’t want to, you can’t help it. Sometimes you don’t get to choose when to give up, or when to stop caring. Sometimes regardless of their desire for you, you will still desire them. That is what I learned today. I learned that the waiting game isn’t a game at all, it is more of stage of life and relationship. It is necessary because it challenges you to grow. I have had to rely on the Lord more and more through it because two sinful, damaged people will fail each other. Regardless of sending and receiving messages, two people in any situation will still benefit one another if they are earnestly seeking God’s will in their lives.

This is what my book is about, it is about what to do in this process. It is about how to be pursued, to pursue, and to live in a way that restores opportunities to being genuine opportunities, manipulation aside! It is time to do this, for reals!

This Kiss!

Have you ever seen a metronome? It allows you to choose the speed at which you’d like to perform a piece of music, and keeps you in line with a short ticking or beeping sound. I wish there was something like a metronome in relationships. Sometimes I think that we are so adamant about selecting a speed at the beginning, and suddenly tuning it out as we go about our relationships. I had a friend once tell me that he and his girlfriend of two weeks had set a goal of not kissing until they were engaged…two weeks later, it happened and their plan quickly changed.

Goals are tough. I am currently in a battle with my weight of trying to reach a healthy number on the scale. I have a specific goal for December, and have already made large strides in getting there. The problem is that I don’t expect to simply lose the weight. I have to take precautions, such as sticking to healthy foods, working out on a daily basis, drinking large amounts of water throughout the day, and finding the time to sleep at least six to eight hours. Those are realistic ways in which I can aim to reach the long-term goal in this moment.

The minute that we forget the in-between time we have little hope of achieving the idealistic outcome. Although it is common sense, we can also go entirely the opposite way in making our daily choices unrealistic, disciplinary, and over-bearing. Last night I indulged in a few Hershey kisses and felt so guilty for essentially “cheating” on my goals. The problem is that the few pieces of chocolate I had really had no affect on the outcome, nor were they “bad for me”. If we aren’t careful, we can suddenly make the things that aren’t bad awful, and cheat ourselves out of enjoying the little things we used to love.

So where is the happy medium? A speaker a few years back came to Biola and brought to the stage a married couple. She explained the steps that normal couples “should” take which ranged from a hug, to a hand-hold, to a peck on the cheek, to a kiss. The final kiss wasn’t a full make-out. She explained that kissing isn’t necessarily bad, it is when it is taken to the point of lusting, falling, or leading towards something inappropriate that it should be stopped.

But how do you stop something that essentially feels good? Last night I had a whole bowl of Hershey kisses sitting in front me. To avoid eating the whole thing I grabbed ten out of the bowl and placed them next to me on the couch. I took my time, eating one every so often. Not only was I satisfied at the end, but I enjoyed it and I didn’t want to eat any more! For some people, ten may sound overindulging, for others it may seem like I was a chocolate Nazi of some sort! For me, it was just right.

That is why I don’t think you can ever give someone “10 Basic Principles to a Glorifying Relationship”, or “How to be Pure with Your Boyfriend”. I think it has to stem from knowing yourself, your heart, and your intentions. I personally don’t know if I could kiss someone and walk away knowing that it should just end there. Then again, if I am blessed enough to have someone who knows my past and my insecurities enough to help me not be in situations where I could jeopordize my goals, then maybe a short kiss could be something realistic?

I can tell you one thing though, I will want to hold my boyfriend’s hand. I will want to embrace the little things and appreciate them for what they are. I don’t want to feel guilty because I am expressing my care for someone in a way that I wouldn’t personally deem as inappropriate, or leading somewhere. I think you have to first ask yourself where your limitations are. I think second you need to discuss with who you are dating what you both hope to see as a goal in your relationship, whether physically, emotionally, spiritually. I also think as dorky as it may sound, that you should pray through the realistic daily choices you need to make in order to get there! So whether it is a Hershey kiss, or a real one, I’d ask you to take an approach that doesn’t land you in guilt and shame for the good nor one that lands you in indulging in the bad! Just a thought J

Kendra

P.s.-By setting the pace together for your relationship, perhaps the metronome becomes God, your hearts, and being held accountable to your goals all wrapped into one!