I recently picked up, "Fit for My King". It is a daily devotional that has you fast off certain foods in order to treat your body as God's temple. I have mentioned that I am doing this before, but for first time readers I like to clue them in. I am on Day 13. Day 13 has been a beautiful reminder that if I do not control what goes into my mind, then I will have a harder battle of trying to rid myself of narcissistic thoughts driving my workouts. As I jumped on that elliptical the song, "I'm Sexy and I Know It" came blaring through my headphones. Now, I know what you are thinking...as I daily claim to my Christian viewpoints and values, I seriously fail at giving over my music to the Lord. I have tried working out to worship music before, but by the third chorus of "I Can Only Imagine" I'm having a minor emotional breakdown on the stair master which doesn't necessarily help me utilize my working out time to actually stay mobile. My pace drastically is effected by my emotional state, and David Crowder just doesn't seem to pump me up like Usher.
So, as the song comes on, my demeanor drastically changes. Suddenly, I am faced with the terrifying reality that I am entirely one of those girls walking (or ellipticalling) with all the confidence of the word. I even sipped my Dasani as though I was in a commercial, taking my time to ensure that I was in my own world of self-awe and consumerism. I looked again in the mirror, only this time to find myself entirely displeased with what I saw. Suddenly...that confidence that I was maintaining all of about two minutes was shattered. I saw chubby thighs, hair pinned back revealing acne scars on my forehead, sweat dripping down my nose, and arms that seemed to jiggle to the beat far more than I would have liked.
Isn't is crazy how the female mind works? It is like we get caught in the crazy tension between loving ourselves for who we are and loving ourselves for who we idealistically hope to be or even create ourselves to be. As the song ended, I turned my attention to the girls hopping on the equipment next to me. They were in their early-twenties, wearing nothing more than spandex and sports bras. They smelled like fresh perfume, hair was flowing and down, and they acted as though working out was some sort of catwalk in the way that they elegantly used the machine to their advantage in sharing with everyone else that they could be our Jenny Craig after pictures.
I got a little thrown off, and decided to turn off my music for a bit. It was then that I realized the influence my music was having on me. I'm not about to act like my narcissistic attitude was stemming from words alone, but I do think that they seriously hurt my hopes of viewing myself as the Lord's temple. Could you imagine if we walked around, looking at different churches, and picked which was the best based off of how beautiful it was? Obviously you can't judge the impact of a church simply on whether or not they have stained glass windows. What if on Sunday morning the preacher took time to share how long it took to make the church that gorgeous, or what the church is doing to maintain it. Of course this isn't what the church does, so why do I feel the need to do so with my own body, if it is Christ's temple.
The temple glorifies the Lord, and similarly I want to glorify Him with my own body, how it was created to do so. Sheri Rose Shepherd, the author of the devotional, shares, "His reflection in us is more beautiful than we could ever make ourselves. Amen! See we always focus on going to far into thinking that we are ugly, or fat, or not giving ourselves worth in the Lord's perspective. We need to also recognize the conflicting battle of viewing ourselves by the definition of a beauty ruined by what society expects of us.
I realized that by filling my head with songs focused on women being sexual, sensual, and hot seriously influenced my workout routine. I started becoming consumed with dreaming up my body after a few months of working out, or thinking of being in a bikini in California, or what my friends would say or do when we go hot tubbing when I get back in February. I thought of the perfect view of myself, when in reality I am beautiful because He made me this way. I am still seeking to become fit for the Lord, so that I can really do His ministry to the full, but I am not going to claim that truth in my life and taint it with a false motivation of wanting to be noticed as beautiful because I've worked for it.
I want to focus on my inward beauty first and foremost. My makeup broke on my way home from a friend's tonight, and as I got home and noticed the shattered pieces I thought to myself...maybe it is better this way. I spend so much time worrying about how great I will look one day. If I eat too much I rush to the mirror and look at my stomach. What if I rushed to the Lord and prayed for the strength to overcome my foolish thinking instead? What if instead of hours of hair straightening and blow drying and waxing and primping I hung out with my Savior?
It is all talk. It is all talk because I have the same thought process just as much as I have the one that leads me to forget the "revelation" I'm having now. It is easy to talk about how important those things are. It is also easy to justify that the Lord doesn't call us to give up such things and that it is okay to still spend time on ourselves. I think I have just lost sight of what it means to really be His temple. I want to be fit, healthy, and take care of myself. I'm not going to stop doing things that I think help in that way. I do think that I need to start by ridding myself of the things that have created this false image I want in my head.
Music is where I am starting. I am getting over not working out to Christian music. I recently did cardio to Hillsong United, and found it pretty uplifting and motivating in the process. Images also need to be pulled away from my head. I have obsessed over fitness magazines and television shows like no ones business. I need to let go of watching things where people have to get skinny to feel good. I still see the health benefits in it, but I want people to find their confidence in something steadfast and true.
It isn't about recognizing the flaw I have each day...it is about doing something about it.
Tonight, my prayer is that I can truly let go of these two extremes in my life, and that by doing so I am reminded that He is my ultimate motivation. I also pray that as you struggle to find balance in your own life, you know that it isn't easy. It starts with being active in it. You have to choose each day how you are going to view yourself. Today, I viewed myself as an object, something to morph and change into what the world expects of me...but in two minutes it will be a new day and for tomorrow I choose to be His princess.
Love,
Kendra
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