The problem is that, even though you can sneak by enjoying it on your own, sushi still has a rather weird effect on your digestive system. I'm not talking anything gross, I'm saying that you can usually scarf down four or five plates entirely guilt-free, but after you head out you are hungry again within an hour. Sushi is so good to eat, but not necessarily a staple in the diet world. It fills you up for a purpose, but once you leave you need to eat something else to get you through the day.
Sushi, sushi, sushi...How similarly do I live my daily life? Sometimes I get so focused on each activity and the fill that I can get out of it that I entirely lose sight of what is genuinely substantial and long-term satisfactory. I used to hate cooking for one. I have the "homemaker persona" where cooking to me is far more fun if I am doing it for other people, not just myself. I would way rather run to sushi to avoid spending the time preparing, cooking, and eating my meal in a lonely apartment. The thing is that I can bet you the food that I could make in my own kitchen would be far yummier, and more filling than grabbing a quick bite to avoid the thought time of wishing someone were there to enjoy it with me.
Sometimes we will be forced to live in inconvenient or undesirable circumstances. Perhaps though, it is through "roughing it" through such circumstances that we will get the most sustainable outcome that we need. I lived 21 years of seeking sushi joint after sushi joint. My "quick fix" to being alone was finding guys who abused my physical boundaries in order to feel some sense of worth. I started trying to rush in and out of situations so people wouldn't notice how alone I must be. I rarely wanted to accept being single and was far too convinced that my body was my only ticket to attention to slow down.
I took the experience of getting by on small meals to avoid feeling entirely hungry, even though something still was leaving me empty inside. This doesn't always have to relate to men either. I did the same thing with church. I would go on Sunday, pick out my favorite option of something to walk away with, and be full for a few hours until lunch time hit and my mind went somewhere entirely different. I would then sit throughout the week and ponder why I felt so empty, so alone. So much of it was because I was way more motivated by getting filled up rather than staying full.
How often do you find yourself doing the same thing?
A year ago I was on the "HCG Diet". I lost roughly twenty pounds in thirty days. (Yes, there is something rather unhealthy about that.) I remember the daily satisfaction of jumping on the scale and seeing another pound shed. It stayed off all of about two weeks after the diet was complete given that I went right back to how I was eating before...and gained all of my weight back and then some. I was so driven by seeing in the moment results that I lost sight of creating a healthy lifestyle for years to come.
I am finding in my own life that it isn't until I've done something in a far better way that I've realized how horrible it was beforehand. Now that I am choosing to build healthy practices each day, I'm finding that the old way was rather foolish, and could have cost me more than just a few pounds, but perhaps my integrity as well.
When we start to get filled by things that don't last we create a pattern of emptiness. If you are really good at ignoring the feeling of being alone, much like I was, you also know that when you are full you are full and when you are empty you are really empty. The better we get at giving ourself a quick fix, the harder the fall is as a result. It is kind of like chugging an energy drink before heading to work, by noon it feels like you want to drop on the floor and take a nap!
I have learned that sometimes if we go about inconvenience by embracing the undesirables, we can build so much more of a joy in the times of loneliness. Take my relationship with Shea for example. Living over eight hours from one another isn't exactly the most desired way of building a relationship together. It is tough enough both trying to finish school apart, but when you add in dates consisting of Skype and my cell phone, and weekend trips hyped up by the initial rush of seeing one another, you have one hard meal for one to take. I don't want to necessarily live apart from one another, but instead of seeing it as something to get through I've altered my opinion on the time that we have now.
There is something wonderful about having to start our relationship on a foundation of communication (thanks Corey!) that I wouldn't give up for the world. In fact, this time has been a beautiful recognition of our relationship being by God, and God alone. The two of us have to trust Him fully with our time together, and utilize daily encouragement from one another to grow. It is hard, and as we like each other more it gets harder, but suddenly I've realized the blessing of creating something that is far more sustainable, even if it isn't "ideal".
Yes, I still love getting sushi, but I've realized that I can't eat it for every meal. In fact, I have to be far more sparing with how often I go nowadays due to keeping my fish intake down. I no longer try to avoid showing people that I am "alone". Why hang your head low when you are in an incredible relationship, even if it is one long-distance? I wear a smile proud, thanking the Lord for each moment I get with Shea, and realize the beauty in staying in a few nights of the week to build something special. I've also learned to not act like it is the end of the world.
The truth is that you may be in a time of building something sustainable in your life. It doesn't have to be a boyfriend. It may just be how you are choosing to live. I would encourage you to start by choosing not to do it the easy way. Sometimes the harder something is to attain, the better the outcome. I would also share that you should never use your frustration or embarrassment of being alone as something to keep you from "healthy nutrition". Just because it may not be your number one choice of living at the moment, doesn't mean you should turn bitter in it. We all are exactly where we are in life today. Ya, that came out a lot more simple-minded than I expected. What I mean to say is that maybe you can't necessarily change your circumstances, but you can change how you respond to them.
Character is how you react to the actions of situations around you. So rather than try to squeeze by, short fill after short fill, search for something deeper, something meaningful, something you can really remain full on! Don't be afraid to embrace the hardships either. I am not about to pretend that by embracing mine life is good and dandy. There are still really rough days, but by focusing on the long term benefits, it just seems a bit more joyful in the moment.
For the first time in years, I am cooking at home!
Love,
Kendra S. Wise
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