Have you ever seen a metronome? It allows you to choose the speed at which you’d like to perform a piece of music, and keeps you in line with a short ticking or beeping sound. I wish there was something like a metronome in relationships. Sometimes I think that we are so adamant about selecting a speed at the beginning, and suddenly tuning it out as we go about our relationships. I had a friend once tell me that he and his girlfriend of two weeks had set a goal of not kissing until they were engaged…two weeks later, it happened and their plan quickly changed.
Goals are tough. I am currently in a battle with my weight of trying to reach a healthy number on the scale. I have a specific goal for December, and have already made large strides in getting there. The problem is that I don’t expect to simply lose the weight. I have to take precautions, such as sticking to healthy foods, working out on a daily basis, drinking large amounts of water throughout the day, and finding the time to sleep at least six to eight hours. Those are realistic ways in which I can aim to reach the long-term goal in this moment.
The minute that we forget the in-between time we have little hope of achieving the idealistic outcome. Although it is common sense, we can also go entirely the opposite way in making our daily choices unrealistic, disciplinary, and over-bearing. Last night I indulged in a few Hershey kisses and felt so guilty for essentially “cheating” on my goals. The problem is that the few pieces of chocolate I had really had no affect on the outcome, nor were they “bad for me”. If we aren’t careful, we can suddenly make the things that aren’t bad awful, and cheat ourselves out of enjoying the little things we used to love.
So where is the happy medium? A speaker a few years back came to Biola and brought to the stage a married couple. She explained the steps that normal couples “should” take which ranged from a hug, to a hand-hold, to a peck on the cheek, to a kiss. The final kiss wasn’t a full make-out. She explained that kissing isn’t necessarily bad, it is when it is taken to the point of lusting, falling, or leading towards something inappropriate that it should be stopped.
But how do you stop something that essentially feels good? Last night I had a whole bowl of Hershey kisses sitting in front me. To avoid eating the whole thing I grabbed ten out of the bowl and placed them next to me on the couch. I took my time, eating one every so often. Not only was I satisfied at the end, but I enjoyed it and I didn’t want to eat any more! For some people, ten may sound overindulging, for others it may seem like I was a chocolate Nazi of some sort! For me, it was just right.
That is why I don’t think you can ever give someone “10 Basic Principles to a Glorifying Relationship”, or “How to be Pure with Your Boyfriend”. I think it has to stem from knowing yourself, your heart, and your intentions. I personally don’t know if I could kiss someone and walk away knowing that it should just end there. Then again, if I am blessed enough to have someone who knows my past and my insecurities enough to help me not be in situations where I could jeopordize my goals, then maybe a short kiss could be something realistic?
I can tell you one thing though, I will want to hold my boyfriend’s hand. I will want to embrace the little things and appreciate them for what they are. I don’t want to feel guilty because I am expressing my care for someone in a way that I wouldn’t personally deem as inappropriate, or leading somewhere. I think you have to first ask yourself where your limitations are. I think second you need to discuss with who you are dating what you both hope to see as a goal in your relationship, whether physically, emotionally, spiritually. I also think as dorky as it may sound, that you should pray through the realistic daily choices you need to make in order to get there! So whether it is a Hershey kiss, or a real one, I’d ask you to take an approach that doesn’t land you in guilt and shame for the good nor one that lands you in indulging in the bad! Just a thought J
Kendra
P.s.-By setting the pace together for your relationship, perhaps the metronome becomes God, your hearts, and being held accountable to your goals all wrapped into one!
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