When it rains, it pours.

Listening to the sound of rain hit the roof above me, I’m reminded that sometimes amidst the downpours of life, there is still something comforting of hearing the rain. For me, rain doesn’t necessarily mark a time of pain or hurt, but rather one of learning. I’ve learned a lot these last few years, and yesterday marked a day of affirmation in just how far I’ve come.

God pursues me. For two years I waited around for someone. I speak to women all the time about false hope and unrealistic expectation, when my life was a solid representation of why it doesn’t work. I didn’t expect, but I did hope. I hoped that in some way the friendship I was building would in turn give me a chance to let go of any romantic attachment. I prayed that it would remain exactly that…a friendship, and that my heart would be fully restored in Christ for the emotional turmoil that waiting for someone can bring. I didn’t cry all the time if that is what you are thinking, but I did compare.

I compared men coming in and out of my life to that individual. My perspective of them became jaded, and I started playing mind games over whether or not they would be a good fit, based off of the qualities I wanted them to have that I saw in this man. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair to myself or to the men pursuing me, and to finally know for the final and last time yesterday that my waiting had come to an end was beautifully refreshing.

The rain brings comfort to me because it reminds me of the release of something. Rain is carried to a point of overflow, and then it downpours. I was carrying something with me for a long time. What I considered waiting many of you could deem as a defense mechanism. My emotions were preoccupied with someone else so I justified remaining single through that time by not being able to give my whole self to someone. That goes against my idea of dating.

I don’t think dating is about giving your whole self to someone. I don’t think dating is about giving anything at all. I came to a harsh realization this weekend that dating in Christian culture is almost impossible. Yes it can work and many of you can prove me wrong, but I’ll keep it to my own experience and opinion. In my life, I’ve seen men pursue me and turn dating into a one-way ticket to marriage. It is as though there is no such thing as dating anymore, but rather “relationshipping”.

I get sick of playing “married”. I don’t want to become attached to an individual only for the purpose of throwing my entire future into their plan within our first meeting. I see that happen a lot these days. Yes, if you find the right one and are committed to one another that decision becomes a bit trickier to make, but in dating, I don’t think those conversations should be a determining factor of getting to know someone.

Too often the seriousness of dating in Christian culture scares me away from even considering it. What is dating anyway? In my opinion, I thought dating was going out one-on-one with someone to get to know them and learn what qualities I found that I would like to see in my future spouse. I never thought it was to make the other person my future spouse, at least not in the strictly dating side of it. A relationship to me was the next step. I thought relationships were committed decisions to move beyond dating into a more exclusive and intentional getting to know the individual for the purpose of marriage. That to me was relationship.

I feel like I’ve been wrong or the marketed dating I see around me is just opposite of what I thought. The line between dating and relationshipping has faded. You can no longer be taken out by someone just to get to know them without forming some sort of emotional commitment to them, even if you’ve never discussed being exclusive. Christian culture deems those that are being pursued by multiple people as an emotional whore or slut, and those pursuing more than one individual as players or tools, no matter what boundaries are in place. I used to not understand why “Biola dating” was such a key way of how relationships were coming about, but now I get it.

Biola dating is the solution to overcoming relationshipping. Rather than date at all, individuals become friends with who they want to be in a relationship with, spend time together and then one day decide to make it “Facebook official”. I thought that was ridiculous, and gave no room to test drive the car before jumping right into a lease. Then I realized that it is an ingenious way of skipping the process of pursuing so that there isn’t that complication or confusion of others stepping in on their territory. It keeps things “casual” and then moves drastically into “serious”. There is no in between.

Why have we become so afraid of the in between? Outside of waiting for that individual specifically, I also chose to wait for dating until college. I thought it would be different once I reached an older age but the truth is Biola dating is just the same as high school flings, if not worse. Yet it works out for many people, I just don’t think I will be able to be one of them.

Some may think my opinion of dating is also a bit tweaked because of the environment I live in. They claim that it is just at Biola, or any other Christian campus, but outside of that things are different. Yes things are different, but I’m afraid that the Christian college mindset on dating extends beyond campuses. The majority of college aged Christians attending church in my area are also from Biola. That way of dating has thus created about a ten-mile radius of making its way into being the “better” approach.

This then calls into account my feelings on being pursued at all. In figuring out what I want these days, I think it is just simply to be asked to get to know more in a dating situation such as dinner or walking downtown. I’d rather have someone call a date as what it is, so that I understand they are using the experience as learning what qualities they find attractive and if we both find that in each other continuing to date, while keeping boundaries up, to figure out if it is something worth checking into.

Surprise dates are not my favorite. A few times in my life a guy has asked me to “hang out”. We go to coffee or to lunch and about midway through they hit me with a, “So where do you think we are going?” My response usually is along the lines of, “Back to school?” I never really understood the blind sight approach to dating someone.

Here is a hint for the guys: you have a better chance of straight up just asking the girl on a date in the first place, if you get rejected you can save the cash and the awkwardness of her telling you in a public setting.

So then, what boundaries need to be in place during this process? I wish I could tell you I knew, but honestly I’m learning right there with you.

I used to hate when authors would premise a book with that.

“I know what you are going through…”

I hated that, I felt that if they didn’t know for certain the advice they were giving me, then why in the world would they share it in the first place? I don’t want them to be learning with me, I want them to be teaching me.

Recently I started to struggle with the experience side of my work. No one wants to read about being married from someone who has never been asked out. Similarly, no one wants to read about relationships from someone who has never had one.

That is why I try and stick to being single, and not celibacy. One of my professors shared with me this morning that he doesn’t think I’m called to celibacy, but that I am addressing the issues that are presented to a woman who is single, but may not always be single. That is exactly what I’m trying to do with my book.

How then do you interact with men you find attractive? If you aren’t committed to a relationship with someone is it acceptable to allow more than one man to pursue you? Should you refrain from the dating scene altogether until you know for certain the answers to such questions?

I am learning alongside you. Not to say that my words aren’t valuable, but the point of this blog is to work through several of the issues I’m trying to address. In opening myself up to even writing about them, God has already been giving me several opportunities to put into practice what I am writing. The boundaries I’m encouraging women to find in themselves isn’t so that they can find a man as a result, but it is a way to protect themselves in order to live with the desire of wanting a relationship and being able to one day have one, but respecting themselves and men in the process.

It should also encourage the woman that may not end up having a relationship one day to living a life that is fulfilling and full of integrity. By taking into account her actions and the situations she is placing herself in, she is open to the clarity of being used by her Creator, not just to one day give herself to someone fully (although that is a huge plus for those that do end up in relationship).

A Kitchen Timer

My grandma used to own a small white kitchen timer that would hang on her fridge. One of my favorite sounds as a kid was to hear the timer go off, knowing I was just moment away from enjoying some delightful treat! It was almost like I had become one of Pavlov’s dogs, because each time I would hear the first ding, my mouth would water in anticipation.

When I was in New Zealand we had a similar way of notifying the convent that supper was on the table. We would ring a small bell that signaled the feast was ready to enjoy. For weeks after, when I returned home, meals would just be handed to me and there was no anticipation factor. It just wasn’t really the same.

There is something to be said about expecting what is to come after the first signal. If I were to ring a bell now, with those same individuals from New Zealand, they most likely wouldn’t expect a meal in return, but their memory would trigger an anticipation and reminiscing of the several meals once associated with that sound. Individuals that expect are often first taught what to expect. The thing is that food is something our body needs, we have had it from when we first came into this world, so salivating comes naturally when trained to expect it.

Similarly, the body has a sexual drive. Given the right signal, parts within the body start to come into play, expecting the follow through. This next topic gets a bit uncomfortable to discuss, but I think it is necessary in holding yourself accountable and becoming aware of what signals you are giving.

I get so frustrated when women come to me upset about how they have been taken advantage of, later on revealing that perhaps it was them who suggested the idea in the first place. Yes, I do agree that abuse happens (as it was done to me as well), but sometimes I have to call into play the events leading up to the initial taking advantage of. For many women, they want a man who will be self-controlled. They want someone who will tell them to stop, or not even put them in situations where anything will be compromised. I just want to say before we get into this, that it is that kind of thinking that can end up being detrimental to a relationship or pursuing of someone else.

If you find someone who you are interested in getting to know, it is only natural to assume that there will be some physical attraction accompanied by the interest. Finding someone who doesn’t want to be intimate with you on any level could potentially lead to a sexually distant partner in the future. This is the fragile and almost impossible aspect of finding a respectful man. If I find someone who doesn’t want to even kiss me until our wedding day, that doesn’t necessarily mean that he doesn’t want to, it could just be the boundary he has chosen to follow. While I, on the other hand, haven’t chosen that boundary in my own life I need to be aware that him not doing something may not signal that he is disinterested. This is where honesty comes into play. I think sometimes we are so concerned with how not to have sexual intimacy, or physical intimacy for that matter, that we fail to discuss the reasoning behind our actions, leading to complication and misunderstanding.

I think we have to be willing to talk about where we are at, especially in being pursued by someone. Talking can be one of the biggest lifesavers in not pushing you beyond your boundaries, on both sides of the relationship.

I just watched a reality TV show awhile back where the woman told the man on the show that she didn’t want him to kiss her and then preceded to kiss his neck, cheek, and so on. Mixed signals are also one of the biggest dangers to sticking to your boundaries. If we set the timer off, and fail to follow through with what is expected, we often are either forced to fulfill the expectation regardless, or end up compromising our morals out of guilt for not following through. It also would then be reasonable to believe that we can’t set the timer off and be offended at the expectation on the other end. We know what is expected once physical intimacy begins. It doesn’t matter your religion, nor your walk in life, if you choose to begin the process of sex and fail to fulfill it, there is not only disappointment that will result but also confusion, anger, frustration which can lead to abuse.

This then becomes one of the biggest justification factors women have in being taken advantage of, or being victimized by having their boundaries crossed. They throw all the blame on the men, when they initiated the signal, or said they didn’t want something but failed to reveal it in their actions. How then, can we begin to remedy the situation before it reaches that point? We have to first understand how and when our own timer is set off. For me, when someone starts to cuddle with me my timer goes off, and I am expecting to reach a point of fulfillment. My stopping point ends when my neck is kissed. As a fourteen year old, I was taught that a man could kiss my neck but the fact that I hadn’t been “actually kissed” would keep my integrity in tact. Once this point is reached, I stop and also stop whatever I’ve started in the other person.

Thankfully, I’ve met several men who are “okay” with that stopping point, or at least have to deal with it being over. For others, if two stopping points don’t match up, it can end in abused intimacy. When I was seventeen I was taken on a date by a guy named Sean. Sean was one of the most attractive men I had, and even to this day have ever met. His features were handsome, he had dark brown hair, tan skin, and baby blue eyes. His six pack and chiseled figure was hard to ignore. We went out for coffee and somehow ended up at a parking lot next to the local park.

My heart raced as he introduced me to the concept of Christian hook-up buddies, or what I like to call “frick buddies” (a.k.a. sexually promiscuous buddies, minus the sex), seeing as how Christian cursing is sweeping the nation these days. He took me into the back of his car and started to kiss my neck, as he made his way past any boundaries I had even yet to think about, I started to realize that my views were no longer black and white. I had never thought about anything past kissing my neck before, and thus had no idea of what to or not to do. This is also an issue that can come into play when new territories are reached. I had to learn the hard way that I needed to think about all aspects of physical intimacy, including things that I wasn’t taught about in school or at church. We all know that in Christian culture, sex is bad until marriage, but what about everything leading up to it?

For many, even touching the opposite sex sparks feelings, emotions, and choices that shouldn’t take place so they refrain by not even kissing until the alter. For others, kissing to a certain extent is acceptable. Like I said, this is an issue that isn’t necessarily black and white, although many claim that it is. Here is my take on it, without getting into the brutal imagery of the whole thing. I think that it goes back to the timer. Why would I want to start up something I can’t follow through? Biologically speaking, the sexual process within a man and woman is highly intricate, performing in a way that expects the follow through. Making a man reach the point of having to follow through himself is just as bad, in my opinion, as fulfilling it for him.

Also, the start-up can happen for guys in several different ways. Many women would believe that oral or hand contact isn’t necessarily sex, but if it puts into process all of the aspects of sex and fulfills it with another part of the body, wouldn’t that in turn be the same thing? I’m not saying this for conviction or to bring you to a point of self pity or hate, I’m just suggesting that we have to get out of thinking about sex as the act by itself, especially in becoming aware of the signals we are giving. Save yourself from what can happen later on by learning your trigger now. Some of you may think that you have to learn your trigger by experience, but I’d ask you to pull from what you already know about yourself. What thoughts or visual stimulants begin the process in you? Is it watching someone kiss? Or is it even knowing that you already are rather physical, and thus having to refrain from cuddling situations altogether like me?

Here is a side note as well: When I go out dancing, I choose to not inappropriately dance on someone. I love going out and just acting like the ridiculous dork that I am, whether I am fake popping or pretending I’m the best hip hop dancer there is. Whatever it may be, I walk into the dance floor knowing that I can’t put myself in a physically intimate situation. I personally don’t seem to get a fill from dancing with someone else, but I’m pretty good at ensuring that his timer is going off. While that may sound arrogant, it is just fact. Any woman who throws herself on a man while dancing can learn how to be good at it, it doesn’t take much skill, although some men may disagree. The truth is that I’d way rather have fun dancing with someone, which I think needs to be restored to understanding that you don’t have to be grinding on them to be with them. Once again, if one part of your body is fulfilling the role of what another would during intercourse, in my opinion that is sex.

So where is the line between expressing how you feel about someone physically and going too far. Well, as a single woman I don’t really know where that line is within a relationship. For me, I have chosen to not set off timers that I want nothing to do with, especially after being a tease for so many years. So does that mean I can set off the ones I actually care about? Honestly, I don’t think it is appropriate to be initiating any form of physical intimacy with someone that you aren’t committed to. I like to personally hold hands as a way to reflect to someone that I’m enjoying being with them and want to show it in a physical way. That is my personal reflection of it. For some, that may look like kissing, others it may be taken to making out. Some would say my handholding is going too far even. It is finding what you are comfortable with, without losing a part of yourself in the process.

If I never saw a man after holding his hand, I personally wouldn’t see the harm in him taking a part of me with him. If he was someone who I knew would see hand holding as serious commitment, I probably wouldn’t hold his hand only to avoid him losing a part of himself with me. This goes back to talking through the areas of physical intimacy with who you are getting to know. Kissing to me is something rather special, so I don’t think I could say that walking away from kissing someone for a period of time would leave me just as I was, they would probably have a lot more than a physically intimate part of me, but also an emotional attachment as well.

I would challenge you to take a look at your outward expressions of the boundaries you have set. Are you giving off the vibe that you won’t reach a certain point with someone? Have you even considered what point you will reach? It is by asking the hard questions that we can start to have clarity in what we are looking for out of a relationship. For single women, it is important to keep in mind that we also will interact with men who we aren’t committed to. I’ve seen one of my closest friends encouraged to express her sexuality by finding men to fool around with now, so she will be more experienced for her future, or at least “get it out of her system”. Please, whatever you choose to do, know that this mentality is what drives so many women to disappointment and insecurity. Is it better to respect the men you do interact with now and one day fully invest in one individual so you have full appreciation for the physical intimacy you do have? Or would you rather spread yourself around and experience different situations to realize that you fully appreciate the physical intimacy you one day may have?

For me, I can’t play that game. I can’t assume that by getting to see what is out there I’ll have a better idea of what I want physically. I’d rather devote myself to giving that to one man, and hopefully in that respect believing that it is even more intimate because he is the only one I’ve experienced it with. I could be in for a rather rude reality check when I realize that this side of thinking may result in another kind of disappointment. I’ve had a few friends that have gotten married over the years and shared with me the immense pressure put on waiting until they were married. The first night together wasn’t blissful and heavenly, but awkward and uncomfortable. One friend even claimed that her and her husband rarely had sex because she felt so ashamed, even though she had waited.

I can’t tell you how to fix that. I can’t even give you hope that it isn’t true, because I obviously have never been there, but I can encourage you that if you don’t expect a blissful and heavenly performance, but rather a blissful and heavenly love you may be on a better track. I don’t expect that by saving myself for someone I am guaranteed the best that is out there, but I am guaranteed the fact that he will know that I have only partaken in the act with him and him alone. I will love him, and my love will be expressed to him and only him in such an intimate way. So although the act itself may bring with it struggles of the unknown, I at least have certainty that the love and choice to wait will remain special to both of us.

Notice how I said my choice to wait, and not ours. Early on I suggested that we have to be open to the fact that the one we get to be with may not be physically where we are. I’ve experienced a few things on the scale of sexual intimacy in my life, and I’m not about to think that whomever I end up with will be right alongside me. He may have experienced far more, or far less, it is the expecting that they will be less that I fear pushes so many individuals to placing pressure on one another resulting to breaking up in the future. I think some of the expectancy stems from the insecurity that if we are with someone who has experienced more, they may think that we aren’t good enough at something. If you are with someone who makes you feel that way, get out of the relationship. If that however is a part of your own insecurity, not enforced by your partner, be sure to differentiate it.

My hope is that one day I will be with a man who doesn’t make me feel inadequate, but views our intimacy on another wavelength, being entirely different from any he may have experienced before me. I’d like to be taken as an individual, and not a competition in trying to go against what he has had outside of our relationship. This doesn’t change my opinion on waiting though because it encourages me that it is something I can give him, even if I don’t receive it in return. I believe that experiences in life shouldn’t be taken with you in mind if you didn’t even know them. Yes, for many people they go with the idea that every choice you make should be with your future spouse in mind, that is proactive and I believe it is solid. I am going on the other side of it after you have experienced something that will affect your relationship with your partner in the future.

It hurts my heart when I see people get offended at their boyfriend or girlfriends acts prior their relationship. I have even seen some women take it personally. The problem with that thinking is that it doesn’t allow grace. It makes the person who has already felt the guilt and shame and even work through of something experience it all over again. Whomever I end up with will have to deal with what I have been through, which inevitably has made me the woman he has fallen for in the first place. That doesn’t give me a “get out of jail free” card to do what I want now with no responsibility. It does however make me put into check what I am doing because of the experiences I’ve had, and that is where the whole boundary concept comes into play.

The last piece of advice I have for you is to trust. If you are with someone now who has been through far more than you or vice versa, trust that the love you have will go beyond those insecurities. If you have experienced things in your life to this point and feel as though you could never regain a positive experience of intimacy, trust that by learning from your experiences and growing through them you will be able to move beyond them. Lastly, know yourself. If there is one thing you walk away from this book with, it is to become aware of your actions and ensuring that you are accountable to whatever timer may be set off as a result.