Motipulation

Sparknotes Version for Kirstie: Motivation by manipulation is toxic to any relationship.

"I want to be a woman who has relationship without manipulation." Welcome to my answer when asked what is one life objective you have. I was sitting in a chilled room in Kaikoura, New Zealand, when a wonderful professor gave us roughly five minutes to come up with one statement we hope to live by. This was what I chose. Manipulation is a funny thing...so often I believe that we are entirely unaware of the fact that we are doing it. For instance, in my family sometimes we guilt each other into things without even registering it. I think the tough part about manipulation is that, by the text book definition, there really is no way to view it other than "skillful or artful management".

When first reading the definition, I stopped and began analyzing the word "artful". It is as though manipulation is somewhat of a gift, like you have to be good at it in order to achieve the goal that you want. Have you ever flipped through infomercials late at night? Sometimes I get so caught up in wanting the next footy pajama knock-off simply because the salesperson seems rather enticing. About five minutes (which is a VERY long time if you actually count it out) into processing through shorting my food intake to get such a ridiculous gift for myself, it hits me that I have just lost at the selling game. I then register that I don't actually need the stupid thing and go on about my day as though nothing as happened.

Salespeople are easy to turn down. Think of how many times you walk by that lame hair straightener kiosk in the mall and "suddenly have an emergency phone call", or "need to stare at the Abercrombie store for ten minutes". I have used every trick in the book to avoid eye contact and keep walking. The thing is that they aren't stupid. The next time they most likely will simply try harder to gain your attention, not take the hint. That is because they need you to buy into their product. They have the motivation of convincing you that you NEED it. But what if it runs a little bit more personal than that?

I call this "motipulation" the motive of manipulating someone in order to gain something from them.

I have motipulated several times in my day. I was driving home from California a few years ago and sped my way through a construction zone a few exits away from my house. Now before you roll your eyes at the next part of the story, you have to know that I genuinely was honest. An officer pulled me over, and a few seconds into talking with him I broke down. Tears began running down my face as I had explained the horrific accident my friend and I were in on our way home from school, and that all I wanted was to get home as soon as possible. I didn't lie, in fact the tears were rather real because cops kind of freak me out...but I didn't have to create such a scene over it and for that I deem myself as a situational-motipulator.

*Yes, I got off that time for the ticket. The cop understood (praise God!) and I was on my way. For the record though, my motipulation stopped with cops after that day, and landed me with a fatty ticket last week for forgetting there is a school zone on my way home so don't judge, God is just.

The thing I learned though is that sometimes the BEST motipulation is created in using the truth. Things are far more convincing when you have actual support to back you up. Now before I hate on a few Christian authors that could easily summarize my point, I'm going to go another route. Have you ever watched a documentary that leaves you feeling like you need to act at the end of it? I watched Food, Inc. when I was in New Zealand and honestly don't really touch fast food since. I still do the occasional Chic-Fil-A run sometimes at school, but other than that it just doesn't interest me anymore.

Some documentaries are very accurate, and really do create urgency to act in response to them. Others though leave people feeling entirely depressed, hopeless, and utilize emotional stimulating music and pictures to drive people to respond to them. This is what leaves me feeling a little irritated. Suddenly, sharing the truth isn't enough. It isn't like the puppy commercials on television could simply tell you of the local adoption agencies in your area, show you a few clips of puppies that have found good homes, and let it be. No, they have to put on some tear-jerking Titanic end-scene sounding music and flash pictures of abused and dogs a few days away from death to get you to call a toll free number and give money to the cause.

We have become so desensitized to real problems, that people are finding marketing far more easier if they pull us in by something deeper...our emotions.

A few years ago in high school I was in a situation in which I was motipulated. It was my first real coffee date. I was so excited because the guy that asked me out had to be one of the hottest guys I had ever met. He was handsome, his eyes were bright blue and his smile could melt the hearts of girls miles and miles away. It wasn' t even just that, but the minute we got in the car and he held my hand I felt...electricity of some sort. He took me to get Dutch Bros. and then pulled off to a park parking lot.

I remember the seriously terrible feeling I had, and the sickening putting away of that feeling that I did in the moment. I knew that this was the best I could ever get, and so I was willing to listen. He started by telling me something very emotionally connecting. Girls, sometimes we need to be careful in sharing our testimonies, or life events with the opposite sex, not that every man is as terrible as this one in that regard, but you need to understand that if you connect emotionally with someone it is far more difficult to keep physical boundaries in place. He talked about his relationship with his dad, in a way that not only made me feel comfortable but like I was special...thinking he probably hasn't told anyone that before. (This is also a trigger statement. If a guy shares that he hasn't told anyone else something in the first hour of meeting you, you need to check your intimacy radar and make sure that you are staying on a friendly basis.)

He then used my own life experiences against me. He knew that I was very passionate about saving my first kiss and told me that I was such a "good girl". He asked me to sit in the back seat with him. I moved into the back and he started telling me that I would be entirely worthless in the future if I didn't know how to "do things" with guys. He then proposed that he could teach me, but I told him I wasn't interested. A few minutes more and he started making me feel entirely guilty for even going out with him in the first place if I hadn't planned on doing anything. I told him that I should probably get going, but he didn't want to hear what I had to say.

The next part of the story is one for the record books...and one that I share with women and women alone so I unfortunately will go no further than my minor explanation here. He made me feel like he was entirely right in all that he had to say. I really shouldn't have gone out with him if I wasn't willing to do things. I mean...he is a guy...and I am a girl...so it made perfect sense. Also, he used my insecurity of not knowing how to do things to his advantage, by reminding me that he could "help" me. He also had this way of making me feel like I could keep my purity in tact but that all I had to do was partake in a few "meaningless things" that he made me do next. Nothing that I feel shame for given that I didn't lose anything valuable that night physically, but I definitely lost some solid mental points that I carried with me through the next six years of my life.

I believed him. As I sit here now writing to you about my past, I honestly don't think he even remembers my name to this day. I lost contact with him back in high school, and don't really know where he is anymore. I was motipulated. The worst part...I took his principles and applied them to the next few men I met in my life. I motipulated them, just as he taught me how.

See, if we aren't careful we can be manipulated by partial truth. The sad thing is that we so badly want to believe in the truthful parts of what someone is proposing, that we kind of ignore the rest. I've done this time and time again when listening to a good sermon or class discussion. I stop discerning between right and wrong and just think it all sounds great. It has seriously put a damper on my relationship history though. I still remained single up until this past October, but that didn't mean that I didn't motipulate time and time again as a result of that one instance.

We need to know that manipulation is real, and you can even be manipulating someone in your own life right now. Girls this doesn't even have to be physical. Emotionally, sometimes I think we get so caught up in wanting to hear the right thing that we passive aggressively will hint at it over and over again with our loved ones. Then, when they don't say it, we suddenly become bitter and hold grudges that THEY HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT. It isn't fair and it isn't right. Someone can't even apologize for something they don't know about. Even then, it isn't really necessarily their fault if you've created something to be angry about in the first place.

I am currently realizing that guys have their own timing in things. Some want to rush far more than others, but for me I've been blessed with a man who takes his time in all that he does. I am not about to jump the beautiful unveiling of certain parts of our relationship just because I can manipulate it out of him. We are SO GOOD at manipulating. It isn't because guys are dumb, it is because they want to believe the best option as well. If we are willing to present ourselves as trusting, yet twist circumstances to get our desired outcome we should not even be in relationships with them in the first place. That in no way is acting as a sister in Christ, let alone a girlfriend.

I say this all to you tonight because I think that we need to start recognizing manipulation for what it is...an art. It is tough because I am such a people pleaser that I have been called out time and time again for manipulating when I really genuinely had no idea I was doing it. I have now recognized when I am and have moved away from doing it altogether. It took a very long process of calling upon the Lord for a spirit of discernment, asking my friends to hold me accountable, and checking my motivations when doing something for someone.

Please, do yourself a favor and BECOME AWARE now, especially if you are currently in a relationship.

If we can't recognize it in ourselves, we have a very little chance of seeing it in other people, and you can end up getting yourselves into situations as I was in that night. Yes, I was manipulated, but that didn't stop me from allowing myself to be manipulated time and time again for years to come due to my lack of recognizing the true problem.

I pray that this makes sense to you, because it will extend so far beyond your love relationships. I am a college student. Do you know how easy it is to manipulate professors into letting you turn in assignments late? I went through two years of being a very shady student. I then suffered the cost of having to own up to my manipulation before returning my junior year. It was embarrassing, and took a long, long, long journey of mending those relationships. The last two semesters I have excelled in my ministry classes, met with those professors, and been vulnerable enough for them to know my heart. The satisfaction of knowing that they have full trust in me again is wonderful, so wonderful I never want to lose it again.

Ask yourself, is motipulation something that is even on your radar? If so, can you recognize it in yourself?

The first part is recognizing what it is and the hold it can have on our hearts. The second is knowing what to do with it.

I have had to put boundaries on my life to avoid manipulating at all. For starters, I have a curfew. I don't hang out late at night with guys anymore, even before I was dating Shea. I also have learned to gain trust by being a trustworthy woman. I don't tell people how great I am through the art of convincing. I let my actions speak louder than my words. Of course I still fail...the worst part is being a great artist and not practicing your craft. The best thing though is that that type of art is of the enemy alone, and I will not partake in it. Praise God for His strength to rise above my own sinful nature and to pursue a life free of manipulation.

So, today, much like that day a year ago in the classroom, I choose to live a life with relationships free of MOTIPULATION.

Care to join?

Love,

Kendra