So I am currently working at a camp this summer, and last night on our drive home from an In-N-Out midnight run, I started to register that perhaps this single life I live is a lot more simple than I once understood. Let me explain. Yesterday during church the pastor shared a story of how his wife once had cancer. During that time he surrendered any prayer life focused on asking God to take that cancer away. He explained that several people believed him to be a poor husband because he chose to do so, but then he related it to when his kids come and ask him for food. When his children say they are hungry, he doesn’t ask them to prove to him that they are legitimately starving, but rather he finds an appropriate choice of food to feed them with. He doesn’t give them what they necessarily want, like pancakes and ice cream, but he gives them what he knows they need to live a healthy life.
As I sat there and listened, the thought of my prayer life being surrounded on one thing came into my head. While I do believe it is beneficial to pray to God about the things we both want and need, the pastor explained that we should go beyond the prayers that God already knows. In fact, he even shared that God isn’t deaf, so if we repeatedly ask and ask and ask, it isn’t that He is ignoring us or doesn’t hear it, it is that His will is for us to not receive that within the moment, or perhaps not at all. So how does this relate? Well, to me, I started to understand that rather than spending countless hours praying against having a desire to be married or in relationship, I should instead surrender in a different sense. I’ve never really thought about not asking God for someone to share my life with. He knows that I so desire to be in a relationship one day, so instead of asking Him on a daily basis to live against that desire, I want to focus my attention to other aspects of life, trusting in the fact that God knows my heart and what I long for.
As we drove back to camp last night we played a game about who on staff we would rather marry. Although it was fun, I have to admit, it got me thinking for sure. Why is it that we compare one person to another? This morning on my walk I took a break midway and talked with God about the physical body that I have. I am so blessed to have an active and healthy body, one that I can run and jump and dance with. I am not a small girl nor big, but I don’t take care of myself in the way that I should. I don’t eat what is good from me and I don’t exactly workout on a regular basis. This is the body I am blessed with however, and I’m learning that taking care of it is a way which I can worship the Lord. Last night during the game I found myself questioning what comparisons men would make about me. Not going to lie, the majority of their answers included an explanation of the physical appearance of the girls they were comparing. What a dangerous game! As I walked away after the car ride, I turned to my friend and shared that the game we were playing could be rather insulting.
Although the men didn’t really read into it as much, I started to look at myself as someone who would be available to pursue. I am in the body that I have been blessed with, and one day I will hopefully be attractive to a man who I in turn appreciate physically. That is the nicest way I can put that I want my man to be hot as can be, and in return I want to be just as hot to him. Being at camp, I’m starting to gain a better understanding of who I am. I am learning things I love, things I hate, things that make me happy and things that make me frustrated. As I am learning, I am also becoming more and more comfortable in my own skin. I am tired of constantly seeking to be skinnier or a size smaller or physically compatible with someone I like. The truth is that if I am not what that person is looking for, I’d rather have my heart spared and press into God’s will.
That is the other thing that I talked through with God this morning. I thanked the Lord for all the pain I have been spared from relationally. In high school and college I thought I was just that much of a turn-off to not gain the attention of the boys I would be attracted to. Although that probably factors in (that isn’t a diss to myself, but a little bit realistic), I think a lot of it has to do with God protecting me. So now that I have stopped asking for it to be taking away, or to have a relationship one day and I’m learning to view myself as a woman that God delights in, I’m starting to enjoy each day a bit more! In fact, I haven’t felt this spirit-filled since Freshmen year of college, and I’m honestly just loving being used in this place! I know this was a bit scatterbrained, but I am in camp mode and I just thought I would share with you where I am at!
Love,
Kendra
