It was sophomore year of high school. I was finally growing into my identity of being a young woman, and boy was I ready to show the world. I suddenly had a newfound confidence, mainly from a can of Paul Mitchell, and good grace’s of a L.E.I. push-up, but I was ready. I remember the first day of school taking over an hour to pick out what I wanted to wear. I settled on a Roxy blue t-shirt and pair of ripped jeans, given the idea that I was somewhere between a surfer girl and a grungy boarder who didn’t even care what she looked like that day. Boy was that a lie, and I’m pretty sure the pound of Maybelline and Bath & Body Works taste I left in each person’s mouth as I walked by blew that cover wide open. Regardless, I felt new, refreshed, and ready for what the year had in store.
During lunch, I was sitting with a new crowd, testing the waters in getting to know some of the upperclassman. One of the guys, a senior, started casually flirting with me. I didn’t mind the fun, but something in it made me feel a little on edge, given that I probably would never give this guy the time of day elsewhere. I let him do his thing, and headed off to my Biology class. At the end of the day I bumped into him in the hallway again, and this time he asked if we could hang out for a bit. As I sat down on the bench nearby, I felt like it was about time to truly rely on this confidence to get me through. The guy started off with, “So our friends think there is something between us…” and before the thought continued I ended it with, “That’s funny, because obviously we wouldn’t date.”
The poor kid looked like a puppy with its tail between its legs. He lowered his head, stopped talking, and tried to switch subjects as quickly as possible. My mom was on her way to get me anyway, so I gathered my things got up and left. It still horrifies me the impression I left on that boy that day. Since then, we have built somewhat of a friendship, and obviously as the years have gone on we don’t talk as much anymore, but he taught me a valuable lesson that I will never forget. So many times I hear Christian preachers, teachers, and speakers talk about how important it is to view the person who you are dating as not yours. They share that they hope one day you can go to their wedding (if it isn’t one you are in obviously) and shake the hand of the one marrying them with confidence that you treated them well.
I completely and entirely agree. In fact, I even have a blog about that a few blogs back. The thing is, that if we focus solely on what happens after the initial asking out, we forget that how we respond in being pursued also holds great effect on that person’s future. Thankfully, that boy went on to find love with another girl and I am pretty sure he is staying strong in the dating world to this day. I can’t believe how I treated him though. There is being direct, and then there is being a jerk, and boy did I completely bypass directness in the process of trying to be as blunt as possible.
Before you focus on the one that you are dating now, or in the future, think about the rejections that you have made in the past. I would even challenge you to think about those that have rejected you. Rejection isn’t pretty. It is necessary in our trying to find the person that we believe we are to be with for the long haul, but it doesn’t mean it is easy to say no to other people, or to be told no in the process. Therefore, I have prepared for you a few principles to follow in the being pursued process.
1. Be honest, not brutal.
2. Don’t leave things unsaid, or undone.
3. Be the friend, don’t talk about being one.
4. Act how you would want to be treated.
5. Let go of hope, while remaining hopeful.
Here are a few easy things to keep in mind when giving a rejection.
When someone starts pursuing you, you know their intentions. It isn’t rocket science to pick up on a guy giving you those kind of vibes. My first mistake was allowing him to flirt with me, even though I knew instantly that he wasn’t someone I would ever consider dating. Please don’t pull the “I was just trying to be nice” card.
*GIRLS, IF THERE IS ANYTHING YOU GET FROM THIS BLOG HEAR THIS… IT IS FAR NICER TO BE HONEST THAN TO TOLERATE HIM FLIRTING WITH YOU…IT WILL LEAVE HIM CONFUSED AND CAUSE FAR MORE HURT LATER ON.
Be the wiser woman, choose to gently let him know that you are uninterested. The fallacy of believing that appearing standoffish will do the trick is entirely wrong. Acting like you aren’t into it is not only passive, but sometimes it triggers even more of a reason to pursue you. If you are acting as a challenge, guys find you that much more intriguing to pursue. So, how are we supposed to do it without coming off like a jerk? Well, don’t start with, “I just think you are a great friend.” That junk needs to be thrown out just like saying, “Let’s just be friends for now.” Don’t use open ended words such as “for now” or starting by sharing all their amazing attributes with them.
It is so infuriating to hear someone list off all the wonderful things you have to offer and then say that they don’t want them. Talk about even more confusing. I remember once when a guy turned me down for a date.
“Kendra, I think you are smart, and beautiful, and love the Lord so well. I think that you would make an incredible girlfriend…for someone else.”
Okay, without mentally cussing him out, all I could do was remain shocked at his pathetic attempt at not hurting my feelings. First, he tells me I’m amazing, then he has the nerve to talk about someone who actually is willing to date me in the future. That is like saying, “You are a great guy…but I don’t think you are really that great.” It complete negates anything said before the kick to the gut.
Don’t allow him to walk away thinking that he has a chance if he doesn’t. I’m not saying this to be rude, I’m saying it to be realistic. I have seen so many wonderful men be strung along holding out for the “just now” times of their friendship. Instead, say something along the lines of “I appreciate who you are enough to let you know that I am not looking to date you.” Don’t end it with “right now” or even that stupid line, “I am just not ready for a relationship.” Obviously, if your Facebook status changes in the weeks to come, he will know that you just meant ready for a relationship with him. Do him a favor and save the lines for the movies. Be real, but gentle. Make sure he understands that you aren’t interested, but also that you care as a sister in Christ enough to do it with grace.
Whoever started the line, “Let’s just be friends” seriously needed to consider the implications of that one. I’m not talking about relationship break-ups, that is a different type of rejection, I just think it is silly to use this line when talking to someone who has just asked you out. Obviously they don’t want to be friends with you right now, they want more. It is okay to step away from the relationship for the time being until a genuine friendship can be pursues. The worst kind of rejection is the one that comes in pretending you are fine being someone’s friend who you still have feelings for. It is like a daily tinge of frustration that will always leave you a little bitter or hurt in your relationship. Instead, allow there to be time in between letting someone down gently, and pursuing a friendship.
By giving them this time, and treating them as a friend down the road, you are more likely to be genuine in your friendship then just trying to be nice, or do the right thing. The friendship will stem from you treating them with respect, and any guy not wanting to see that being told no from the get go isn’t respectful probably isn’t someone you really want to be that tight with. (It takes humility, and the realization that it is for the better of a future friendship, and any future relationship they may have.)
Always come into rejection thinking how you would like someone to treat you through it. Be open to hearing them out, don’t shut them up as I did before they can get anything out. You want this person to pursue other people in the future, and you need to give them the confidence to do so by reacting appropriately. Be kind, and willing to let them know that you care for them by being gracious. Also, don’t get it into your mind that you could do better or put yourself on their pedestal. Instead, remain humble, and allow them to see that you are flattered by their asking, not expecting of it.
Don’t leave hope by suggesting to “see where things go” in the moment, unless you genuinely mean that you are still going to focus on that person and that person alone. I see people suggest this and then go off and date every other person but the one they told it to. It doesn’t give you justification to leave someone hanging until it is convenient. That is why I don’t even go there. If it is someone who I think could be a potential in the future, I will often just start by treating them as a friend from the beginning, and seeing where it goes.
The reason I say remain hopeful, isn’t me suggesting that you will find that perfect person by saying goodbye to the one you are rejecting. I’m saying that don’t entirely cut that person out if it is someone who you really could get to know. Sometimes God brings the person you are to be with up in the weirdest of places. I’ve seen a few marriages happen because someone was rejected and waited patiently until the timing was better to pursue relationship. That is why it is crucial to be aware of how you are carrying yourself in it. The reason that people will be patient isn’t usually because the rejection was brutal, hurtful, and mean. It is often because it was genuine, caring, and left them knowing that it was someone worth the wait.
Hope this helps a little bit!
Love,
Kendra
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