1. We are so close but I'd NEVER date you.
2. I know you like me but kissing you would be like kissing my COUSIN.
Although in some parts of the country that'd be socially acceptable, we should probably come to grips with the fact that no one wants to be thought of by someone that they are attracted to as "related". The kicker is when the word "little" is thrown into the mix. First, you called me your sibling and now you have to twist the dagger by adding a hint of belittlement to the phrase?
Now, some of you may argue that these words genuinely can be used to affirm friends of your closeness. I would entirely agree with that. My friend from home and I have called each other "bro" and "sis" for the past 7 years. We both know that we'd never date though and that is why there is no hidden motivation in using the terms. We've communicated clearly our expectations of one another, and romance isn't one of them.
I've seen several women on the flip-side of this concept. A friend of mine in high school would give men the idea that she was their "little sister". So much so that she'd make them comfortable enough to share their hearts and invest quality time in the relationship, all under the false sense of security that she viewed them platonically. Once that trust was built, she would use it as leverage to present herself as a real catch, claiming that she was the only one who understood them or that their connection ran deep.
By seeing each other as "Christian siblings", we can run the risk of experiencing similar situations. I personally believe that we should restore the use of the terms to genuinely meaning seeing each other as the body of Christ. This may get far too spiritual for your taste, but I'd personally rather have the terms remain genuine and to the point than a sneak attack DTR bypass any day.
See, being brothers and sisters should mean that we keep one another's hearts at the forefront of our interactions. Family provides protection. Family means that we understand one another, seek to love each other and develop relationships that keep one another's integrity in check. If I wanted to kiss a cousin I'd ask one of mine on a date. I don't want to view the man of my dreams as someone related to me. Let your brothers be brothers and your boyfriends be boyfriends.
This is where it gets a little tricky. So many of my friends ask me my view on friendship prior relationship. Although it can be done, I don't know if I believe it is ideal. I think getting to know someone outside of romantic interest provides a realistic perspective of who they are. The minute romance enters the picture, it is far easier to throw character flaws to the wind and "just go for it." I hate that mentality. When you've been guarding your heart as long as I have, you be believe I'm not about to throw anything anywhere.
The problem I see developing with this "friends first" concept is the struggle to maintain healthy physical chemistry later on. As I said before, I'm not about to kiss a cousin so if I am involved in a strong friendship with someone I am far less likely to view them as someone I would date. I struggle to mentally transition from friend to boyfriend. If he is a good friend of mine I will often be rather hesitant in moving forward for the risk of losing the closeness that we do have. I don't care what people say, once physical intimacy has started, the friendship won't ever be the same.
So what is a boy to do? I mean is there a solid testing ground for friendships to try dating without being ruined if it doesn't work out? I believe that there is. It is called a date, and you should try it out. Not a marriage, engagement, commitment, or status change on Facebook but a real date. In fact, if it is a close friend I'd even go as far as suggesting a few of them to try things out.
Now here is the best piece of advice I could give you. Boundaries. Have clear set boundaries before entering the date, as you should with anyone you go out with. I don't mean sit the person down and tell them that this is what you expect, but know in your own heart and mind what you are looking for out of it. I don't think you could ever be too careful in letting the physical aspect of the date go at a slow but steady pace. Don't dive right in to having to make out with your closest guyfriend to see if there is something more. Rather ease into the romantic mindset of enjoying one another's company in the date setting. That step alone will be crucial in transitioning to more if this is someone you genuinely want to be with.
Honestly, I do love a good surprise every now and then and for me, I've realized the beauty in dating someone who originated as a friend. I think it is such an incredible thing to be able to be there for one another without the hidden manipulation of wanting more out of it. I still don't know if it is ideal, but I do believe that it can lay a strong foundation for something that is long-lasting rather than temporary. That is why I do think if you start to make that transition you should take your time with it, because it is definitely a process!
Lastly, please do yourself a favor and tell the person you aren't interested in that you enjoy them as a friend and friend alone. I would far more appreciate a guy sitting me down and telling me that he isn't feeling it over calling me his little sister to get the point across. I still call several women in my life "sister" and men "brother". I think the terms can be used with the right intention in mind, but I'd challenge you to check your heart the next time you get into a similar situation. I think it is far more sisterly to say exactly what you mean rather than beat around the bush and leave him guessing!
Love,
Kendra S. Wise
