Mr. Spirituality

A few years ago I was working at a camp up in Washington. On my first day I met a boy named Jake. Jake was one of the cutest boys at camp, with his side swooped Justin Bieber haircut to his naturally flirtatious personally, what was I supposed to do? Jake pulled me aside in the first week, recognizing our natural attraction for one another and explained to me that he was interested but didn’t know what to do with his feelings.

There was a strict no dating policy at the camp and I knew at that moment the thought of us being together would now be gradually pervasive to my thought life all summer, regardless of acting on it our not.

(Camp Counseling Side Note: If you meet someone at camp that you are attracted to. Do them a favor and give them the summer to focus on the reason they are there in the first place. If this person is upset with your decision to not recognize your feelings for them, then they aren’t in the right place to be dating anyway. Also, waiting for that person throughout the summer is not the end of the world…3 months people! Plus, a respectful relationship, marked by the commitment to sidestep your emotions and give them the summer to be devoted to their campers is one that will take on a genuinely selfless and a solid foundation. If the man is willing to respect the policy, staff, and spiritual life of the woman and vice-versa, that is something to be seen as true leadership!)

So now I was in the awkward position of knowing that Jake was interested, but having to let it go and pay attention to my work. The summer didn’t end well. I ended up seeing a side of Jake that I absolutely fell for…his spiritual maturity. He had this ability to plug in with his campers on a deep level. He always had his face glued to his Bible, and he never failed to encourage me to find strength in the Lord. However genuine all of this may have been, it doesn’t change the fact that Jake was now crossing into spiritual false intimacy with me.

A few days after our first “DTR”, Jake started asking me to share with him my prayer requests. We would pray for one another weekly and challenge each other in our faith. The next view I have chosen to take in my life I can guarantee several of you will find rather controversial. I don’t believe this was appropriate in our friendship. Yes, I think that praying for a friend is beneficial and a wonderful concept, but I don’t think it is acceptable to be challenging one another in our walks, nor sharing our weaknesses at that point in our relationship.

I don’t think it was acceptable because it began to toy with my mind, emotions, and heart in a way that I never expected. Jake was taking on characteristics of being a spiritual leader in my life, without any form of commitment to one another. That is scary grounds for allowing someone into an aspect of your life that should remain protected for someone who has made known that they will lead you beyond that point in your life.

Jake was a summer fling. Each week when we would talk, it ended with more and more of a spiritual attachment to him. I became unfocused in my faith, my counseling, and my other relationships at camp. You could say that much of this was on account of how weak I was prior to the summer in my faith. You could even say that this idea of putting boundaries in place is only necessary if you are like me, or if you are me. Whatever you may think, I’m telling you that personally, this ruined me and my potential of relationship with Jake in the future.

As I grew throughout the summer, I began linking my spiritual growth to Jake as an individual. When the summer ended, I decided to talk to Jake about where we should go from there. (Relationship side note: If the woman is having to initiate that conversation, something is most likely wrong with where that conversation will go.) I told Jake how I felt, how I really thought this was something that could work, even though we lived a few hours away from one another.

I’ll never forget it. We walked over to an old dance hall. The rain had just started to drizzle and he sat me down, my hands in his. He looked at me and told me that he was so sorry. He just kept repeating it, no explanation. Finally, he explained that he had not only told me that he was interested, but two other girls as well. He played me. He straight up used the word “played” in his explanation, and I was broken. He walked away, me sitting there as it started to pour. One of the most epic but brutally hurtful situations I had experienced up to that point in my life.

Not only did I have to say goodbye to Jake once I left that summer, but I had to say goodbye to a friendship that would never be. Jake and I have seen each other a few times since. We both have apologized for what happened that summer, but those are three months of serious investment I can’t get back.

That lesson taught me that I had to start putting boundaries in place when it comes to my conversations with guys, both friend and relationship wise. I can’t link my spiritual growth to an individual, especially one who isn’t even in a relationship with me. Girls, this is crucial when getting to know someone and putting yourself in a vulnerable situation spiritually. When giving my testimony to mixed gender groups, it sounds a lot different then when talking to women directly. In the same way, with certain topics I tend to even try and remain aware of what I am saying in discussing them.

I don’t think theological conversation is bad, I don’t think that even sharing your story is harmful, but when you are using such things in a way that bonds you through them, that is where I struggle at not creating a more intimate connection. I don’t even have “church dates” with boys, where we go to church together as a date. If I go to church with guys at all, I take communion on my own, and don’t do the whole physical touch and affirmation during prayer or worship thing.

Those are some of my boundaries. I’m not suggesting you have the same, I’m explaining that you should become aware of the spiritually stimulating situations you are placing yourself in. I’ll never forget witnessing one of my friends go to chapel with a guy that she liked. Midway through chapel, during prayer, he grabbed her hand and began praying with her. Afterwards, she came up to me ecstatic, claiming that he was such a spiritual leader! I became a bit nervous that the pattern she was setting now would push what I like to call the “marriage expectation” on him in the future.

Another reason I like to place boundaries in spiritual settings it that I don’t think it is fair to expect men who are interested in me to be my husband. You might thing that sounds crazy, or dumb, or obvious but the sad thing is I find that it is all too common. Women start connecting with men on the spiritual level, and begin reprimanding them for things that are entirely ridiculous at that stage of their relationship. There was a girl once who came to me frustrated that the boy she had just started dating wasn’t leading them in daily devotions. I looked at her and said that I didn’t even think it was my husband’s job to take care of my devotional life. I got a pretty dirty look, but I meant what I said.

The problem is that (which is in my book but far to big and issue to get in via blogspot) I think sometimes women get this idea in their head that “spiritual leader” means “spiritual dominator” which isn’t true. The problem is that I still believe in a dating relationship that you are to completely take care of your own spiritual life as an individual. I don’t think its healthy to dive in spiritually with someone who may end up linking their growth to you (as I did with Jake) and then once your relationship is over miss out on carrying that growth over to the next relationship.

I’d rather enjoy the time I have with the person pursuing me by getting to know him, understanding his views and where he is at in life as well with the Lord, but not having to take on the role of spiritual motivator for someone I’m not committed to. I don’t want to cheat myself out of that experience when it comes time for the right man to encourage and motivate, as well as be motivated by. I think it is alright to pray for one another (I’ve said this already but I want you to understand), but the praying over one another, being in prayer together, that is just something I don’t think needs to happen in a dating relationship, or with a guy friend.

Friends, I’m not trying to say that you should never talk about Christ with someone, and I hope you hear my heart in sharing this opinion with you. I don’t want you to even assume that the boundaries I have in place in my life are what are right. For me, however, I know that I need to put certain limitations in place while I’m being single to remain protected from what happened with Jake. That is me alone. I’m just encouraging you to find what is right for you.