And the walls came tumbling down...

Have you ever fallen for someone that you honestly knew was rather unrealistic? When I was younger I fell for this incredibly handsome young man known as Devon Sawa. You may recall his appearance in the movie “Little Giants” or possibly as Casper’s human version in the last few minutes of the movie. I’m not sure what I liked about him more, the ability he had to be attractive and the friendliest ghost you could know, or possibly that he was so unrealistic I’d never have to be caught off guard at the possibility of it working out.

As much of a joke as it was back then, this mentality followed me through up until my sophomore year of college. It was as though I would deliberately choose to like people who were entirely unavailable as some form of defense mechanism. Take Aaron Conlin for instance. Aaron was someone who I though was one of the most attractive boys that I had met in my entire life. When I first met him however, he had a girlfriend. I was a bit taken aback because I personally don’t really get to know guys who have girlfriends, but I thought I would still be friendly (appropriately of course) and just assume that it would never happen. Well…it didn’t happen.

The thing was that a year or so later Aaron called me up to let me know that him and his girlfriend had ended. He was so sure that I would be willing to run to him now that he was available, but it was during that year that I really let go of any chance of possibly being with him, so when the time came I had already emotionally moved on. The problem was that I didn’t move on until about midway through liking him. I kept my distance and didn’t really get to know him once I realized I had feelings for him, but I still always liked to believe that if he had been single we would have had a quality go at a relationship.

He moved away shortly after revealing that he was interested in me and I haven’t really talked to him since. In fact, it wasn’t until recalling that story that I realized how much thought time I had invested in him during those months of liking him. See, rather than make myself available to those that are actually available I tend to go for the ones that I have about a 90% guarantee will never work out. That way, when it doesn’t end up happening in the long run I don’t get hurt.

You would think this line of thinking was rather crazy, and honestly it has served me a good five years of missing out on incredible opportunity around me, but remaining entirely protected. Last night I revealed to you how much rejection I’ve had in my life. I should also let you in to the fact that I have rejected a few offers here and there on account of my fear of something actually working out. How can a girl who is so relational struggle when something actually goes her way? I think it is because I don’t anticipate having feelings reciprocated, so when it happens I always question the motivation behind it.

Now here is where it gets a little sketchy. Many women, friends, and coworkers claim that I am afraid of relationships because I am insecure. I would like to tell you that it stems directly from that and once I gain a good hold on my confidence, all will be well. The problem is that it is so much more than that. I do struggle with insecurities, as do we all, but it isn’t within them that lies the root of why I protect myself. It comes from a lengthy past of being manipulated to partake in things that I never wanted to. It comes from being taken advantage of by certain men in my life and having to get over the fact that I am worth far more than what my body is capable of doing. This is why it is so hard to trust the motivation behind being pursued, and why I am so good at protecting myself from having to deal with it.

As much as it works, it almost works a bit too well. At the beginning of my spring semester a friend of mine told me that I was intimidating. I asked why and he suggested that I take a look at how independent I am. I never really thought of myself as independent. I mean I would like to think that my relationships are give and take, and that I rely on individuals to support me in my pursuing of what God has called me to do. After a few hours of taking a deep look at myself however, I realized that maybe he was a bit more right than I wanted him to be.

In making a list of boundaries, and setting out to help women become self aware and learn how to appropriately pursue relationships that don’t hinder them in their relationship with the Lord as well as relationships with other people, I have to admit that there is an overprotectiveness that can work against you if you take my advice too far. There definitely is a point in which you need to use my writings in guarding yourself, but I would never suggest to be so protected that you miss out on what God has for you.

This became true in my life this last year. I have been so focused on knowing in my life that I have not met the man who I want to entrust my heart to. I was so sure that God did not introduce me to him yet that I put up a wall in regards to shielding myself from seeing any possible chance of love around me. I have my goals in place for my life. I know what God wants me to do and I am chasing after it with my whole heart. I used to believe that if that were all true, God would bless me in His timing if He wanted me to be married.

Then the inevitable happened. I was approached with an opportunity that I didn’t know how to respond to. I needed time. I needed time to process all that was happening and figure out what it was that I even wanted out of a relationship with someone at this point in my life. Well, once again….nothing happened. Only this time it wasn’t so much that I was closed off to anything happening, I just didn’t know how to phrase it in a way that made it fair to the other person. So much of this came from the boundaries I had placed in my life.

The thing is that I don’t regret that it didn’t work out but I do regret that in the process I lost one of my good friends. As I grow older I’m starting to learn that it is so good to have a strong focus on what I want, that I need to be focused on what I want in order to get there but please, understand me when I say that being focused doesn’t mean that you can discount your desire to be with someone. It isn’t even so much that I want to be with someone specifically, but I used to think that I had to be okay with being alone for the rest of my life because I thought that meant I was somehow strong enough to be. While I don’t think it is okay to tell someone that the man of their dreams is out there when I don’t know if he actually is, I still don’t think you should ever hide the desire you have for relationship, especially from God.

There is this push for women in our society, especially young ladies, to remain pure and naïve and wholesome. In the church we don’t talk about sex drives or desire or passion or lust when it comes to women. How many of you have heard a Pastor say, “Now men….we all know that you struggle visually….” While it may be true that men do struggle I get tired of feeling like we aren’t supposed to have the same tendency. Maybe one sex struggles more than the other in different areas, but I’m so sick of women being told that they are purely emotional beings. If that were true, then when I watch my romantic comedies I wouldn’t want to go make out with the boy next door right after. I would be focused on wanting to be wooed first, but the truth is I’m not.

All of this hushing and quieting of desire is even more of a push to protect you from any inkling of an attraction for someone else. It breaks my heart when women don’t know how to respond to someone being interested in them so they end up shutting down completely. Strength isn’t characterized by having no desire. Strength is characterized by entrusting your desire to God.

In the same way, I can’t expect to be open to a relationship in my life if I’m not willing to let down my walls but keep my boundaries. Boundaries are in place to allow for relationship. Walls are something for you to hide behind. Boundaries are something for you to live by. It is as though I live in a kingdom. I can’t let someone in if they can’t even get in past the gate. I still have protection once they pursue me, but I have to at least be able to see them for pursuing to occur. The walls have to go. Not only are they entirely unnecessary they are hurting me from the chance of being open altogether.

Please, if there is anything for you to take away from my advice. It is that you don’t live by extremes of what I have to offer. I am merely suggesting that you start to look at what trace you are relationally leaving behind, not so much what rules or regulations are necessary for someone to be interested in you. Be open but smart. Don’t be willing to give everything to someone at first glance, but pace yourself in getting to know him or her. That is what the boundaries are even there for.

Thank you so much for reading.