Listening to the sound of rain hit the roof above me, I’m reminded that sometimes amidst the downpours of life, there is still something comforting of hearing the rain. For me, rain doesn’t necessarily mark a time of pain or hurt, but rather one of learning. I’ve learned a lot these last few years, and yesterday marked a day of affirmation in just how far I’ve come.
God pursues me. For two years I waited around for someone. I speak to women all the time about false hope and unrealistic expectation, when my life was a solid representation of why it doesn’t work. I didn’t expect, but I did hope. I hoped that in some way the friendship I was building would in turn give me a chance to let go of any romantic attachment. I prayed that it would remain exactly that…a friendship, and that my heart would be fully restored in Christ for the emotional turmoil that waiting for someone can bring. I didn’t cry all the time if that is what you are thinking, but I did compare.
I compared men coming in and out of my life to that individual. My perspective of them became jaded, and I started playing mind games over whether or not they would be a good fit, based off of the qualities I wanted them to have that I saw in this man. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair to myself or to the men pursuing me, and to finally know for the final and last time yesterday that my waiting had come to an end was beautifully refreshing.
The rain brings comfort to me because it reminds me of the release of something. Rain is carried to a point of overflow, and then it downpours. I was carrying something with me for a long time. What I considered waiting many of you could deem as a defense mechanism. My emotions were preoccupied with someone else so I justified remaining single through that time by not being able to give my whole self to someone. That goes against my idea of dating.
I don’t think dating is about giving your whole self to someone. I don’t think dating is about giving anything at all. I came to a harsh realization this weekend that dating in Christian culture is almost impossible. Yes it can work and many of you can prove me wrong, but I’ll keep it to my own experience and opinion. In my life, I’ve seen men pursue me and turn dating into a one-way ticket to marriage. It is as though there is no such thing as dating anymore, but rather “relationshipping”.
I get sick of playing “married”. I don’t want to become attached to an individual only for the purpose of throwing my entire future into their plan within our first meeting. I see that happen a lot these days. Yes, if you find the right one and are committed to one another that decision becomes a bit trickier to make, but in dating, I don’t think those conversations should be a determining factor of getting to know someone.
Too often the seriousness of dating in Christian culture scares me away from even considering it. What is dating anyway? In my opinion, I thought dating was going out one-on-one with someone to get to know them and learn what qualities I found that I would like to see in my future spouse. I never thought it was to make the other person my future spouse, at least not in the strictly dating side of it. A relationship to me was the next step. I thought relationships were committed decisions to move beyond dating into a more exclusive and intentional getting to know the individual for the purpose of marriage. That to me was relationship.
I feel like I’ve been wrong or the marketed dating I see around me is just opposite of what I thought. The line between dating and relationshipping has faded. You can no longer be taken out by someone just to get to know them without forming some sort of emotional commitment to them, even if you’ve never discussed being exclusive. Christian culture deems those that are being pursued by multiple people as an emotional whore or slut, and those pursuing more than one individual as players or tools, no matter what boundaries are in place. I used to not understand why “Biola dating” was such a key way of how relationships were coming about, but now I get it.
Biola dating is the solution to overcoming relationshipping. Rather than date at all, individuals become friends with who they want to be in a relationship with, spend time together and then one day decide to make it “Facebook official”. I thought that was ridiculous, and gave no room to test drive the car before jumping right into a lease. Then I realized that it is an ingenious way of skipping the process of pursuing so that there isn’t that complication or confusion of others stepping in on their territory. It keeps things “casual” and then moves drastically into “serious”. There is no in between.
Why have we become so afraid of the in between? Outside of waiting for that individual specifically, I also chose to wait for dating until college. I thought it would be different once I reached an older age but the truth is Biola dating is just the same as high school flings, if not worse. Yet it works out for many people, I just don’t think I will be able to be one of them.
Some may think my opinion of dating is also a bit tweaked because of the environment I live in. They claim that it is just at Biola, or any other Christian campus, but outside of that things are different. Yes things are different, but I’m afraid that the Christian college mindset on dating extends beyond campuses. The majority of college aged Christians attending church in my area are also from Biola. That way of dating has thus created about a ten-mile radius of making its way into being the “better” approach.
This then calls into account my feelings on being pursued at all. In figuring out what I want these days, I think it is just simply to be asked to get to know more in a dating situation such as dinner or walking downtown. I’d rather have someone call a date as what it is, so that I understand they are using the experience as learning what qualities they find attractive and if we both find that in each other continuing to date, while keeping boundaries up, to figure out if it is something worth checking into.
Surprise dates are not my favorite. A few times in my life a guy has asked me to “hang out”. We go to coffee or to lunch and about midway through they hit me with a, “So where do you think we are going?” My response usually is along the lines of, “Back to school?” I never really understood the blind sight approach to dating someone.
Here is a hint for the guys: you have a better chance of straight up just asking the girl on a date in the first place, if you get rejected you can save the cash and the awkwardness of her telling you in a public setting.
So then, what boundaries need to be in place during this process? I wish I could tell you I knew, but honestly I’m learning right there with you.
I used to hate when authors would premise a book with that.
“I know what you are going through…”
I hated that, I felt that if they didn’t know for certain the advice they were giving me, then why in the world would they share it in the first place? I don’t want them to be learning with me, I want them to be teaching me.
Recently I started to struggle with the experience side of my work. No one wants to read about being married from someone who has never been asked out. Similarly, no one wants to read about relationships from someone who has never had one.
That is why I try and stick to being single, and not celibacy. One of my professors shared with me this morning that he doesn’t think I’m called to celibacy, but that I am addressing the issues that are presented to a woman who is single, but may not always be single. That is exactly what I’m trying to do with my book.
How then do you interact with men you find attractive? If you aren’t committed to a relationship with someone is it acceptable to allow more than one man to pursue you? Should you refrain from the dating scene altogether until you know for certain the answers to such questions?
I am learning alongside you. Not to say that my words aren’t valuable, but the point of this blog is to work through several of the issues I’m trying to address. In opening myself up to even writing about them, God has already been giving me several opportunities to put into practice what I am writing. The boundaries I’m encouraging women to find in themselves isn’t so that they can find a man as a result, but it is a way to protect themselves in order to live with the desire of wanting a relationship and being able to one day have one, but respecting themselves and men in the process.
It should also encourage the woman that may not end up having a relationship one day to living a life that is fulfilling and full of integrity. By taking into account her actions and the situations she is placing herself in, she is open to the clarity of being used by her Creator, not just to one day give herself to someone fully (although that is a huge plus for those that do end up in relationship).
No comments:
Post a Comment