A Change of Perspective

So I am currently working at a camp this summer, and last night on our drive home from an In-N-Out midnight run, I started to register that perhaps this single life I live is a lot more simple than I once understood. Let me explain. Yesterday during church the pastor shared a story of how his wife once had cancer. During that time he surrendered any prayer life focused on asking God to take that cancer away. He explained that several people believed him to be a poor husband because he chose to do so, but then he related it to when his kids come and ask him for food. When his children say they are hungry, he doesn’t ask them to prove to him that they are legitimately starving, but rather he finds an appropriate choice of food to feed them with. He doesn’t give them what they necessarily want, like pancakes and ice cream, but he gives them what he knows they need to live a healthy life.

As I sat there and listened, the thought of my prayer life being surrounded on one thing came into my head. While I do believe it is beneficial to pray to God about the things we both want and need, the pastor explained that we should go beyond the prayers that God already knows. In fact, he even shared that God isn’t deaf, so if we repeatedly ask and ask and ask, it isn’t that He is ignoring us or doesn’t hear it, it is that His will is for us to not receive that within the moment, or perhaps not at all. So how does this relate? Well, to me, I started to understand that rather than spending countless hours praying against having a desire to be married or in relationship, I should instead surrender in a different sense. I’ve never really thought about not asking God for someone to share my life with. He knows that I so desire to be in a relationship one day, so instead of asking Him on a daily basis to live against that desire, I want to focus my attention to other aspects of life, trusting in the fact that God knows my heart and what I long for.

As we drove back to camp last night we played a game about who on staff we would rather marry. Although it was fun, I have to admit, it got me thinking for sure. Why is it that we compare one person to another? This morning on my walk I took a break midway and talked with God about the physical body that I have. I am so blessed to have an active and healthy body, one that I can run and jump and dance with. I am not a small girl nor big, but I don’t take care of myself in the way that I should. I don’t eat what is good from me and I don’t exactly workout on a regular basis. This is the body I am blessed with however, and I’m learning that taking care of it is a way which I can worship the Lord. Last night during the game I found myself questioning what comparisons men would make about me. Not going to lie, the majority of their answers included an explanation of the physical appearance of the girls they were comparing. What a dangerous game! As I walked away after the car ride, I turned to my friend and shared that the game we were playing could be rather insulting.

Although the men didn’t really read into it as much, I started to look at myself as someone who would be available to pursue. I am in the body that I have been blessed with, and one day I will hopefully be attractive to a man who I in turn appreciate physically. That is the nicest way I can put that I want my man to be hot as can be, and in return I want to be just as hot to him. Being at camp, I’m starting to gain a better understanding of who I am. I am learning things I love, things I hate, things that make me happy and things that make me frustrated. As I am learning, I am also becoming more and more comfortable in my own skin. I am tired of constantly seeking to be skinnier or a size smaller or physically compatible with someone I like. The truth is that if I am not what that person is looking for, I’d rather have my heart spared and press into God’s will.

That is the other thing that I talked through with God this morning. I thanked the Lord for all the pain I have been spared from relationally. In high school and college I thought I was just that much of a turn-off to not gain the attention of the boys I would be attracted to. Although that probably factors in (that isn’t a diss to myself, but a little bit realistic), I think a lot of it has to do with God protecting me. So now that I have stopped asking for it to be taking away, or to have a relationship one day and I’m learning to view myself as a woman that God delights in, I’m starting to enjoy each day a bit more! In fact, I haven’t felt this spirit-filled since Freshmen year of college, and I’m honestly just loving being used in this place! I know this was a bit scatterbrained, but I am in camp mode and I just thought I would share with you where I am at!

Love,

Kendra

When Time Stands Still

Good afternoon my lovely readers, although there are only 13 of you in total I still want to thank you for being patient with me as finals have put me at a complete stop in my writing. When I went home for break I was determined to make my goal of three chapters completed, and came back to Los Angeles with only one and a half even done.

That is the thing about goals sometimes, we have to make them realistic in order for us to actually accomplish them on our own two feet. Then again, any accomplishment I've ever made has not been without the incredible power of God alongside me, and I mean that. So maybe then my goals shouldn't be necessarily realistic, because realistic would be me getting anything done at all, but rather marked by a characteristic of faith that they would one day be accomplished.

So here I am, sitting at the bread shop on the corner across from school, writing to you before I embark on the next adventure of my life. I will be spending two months at a camp in Santa Rosa, California, being somewhat of a head female counselor and program runner. I am excited, to say the least, but I hope to get some prime time writing in before I return home!

The other day I was privileged to meet up with some friends from my study abroad program in New Zealand. As my friend from California left the table to grab some napkins, I took the time to apologize for my lack of maturity during my stay there. They welcomed my apology but on my way home I started to consider the pattern I have been making for myself.

When I left New Zealand I had to make a choice between Biola and Texas. I chose Biola out of faith that I knew God wanted me to return. In order to transition back in, I e-mailed my professors and apologized for who I was my first two years at the school. I wasn't a crazy partier or anything, but I did my fair share of being lazy, turning in assignments late, and even missing class. So I wrote the e-mail, and heard back from a few encouraging me to return to Biola in order to show the change that God had done in my life.

As I drove home from dinner last night, I realized this pattern of being someone I'm not, leaving, growing, and then apologizing is not a good one to set for myself as I journey into the real world. Here I am, about to take part in another important time of my life, and the last thing I would want to do is go through it, leave and write an apology letter months later for not being the woman I am. Thankfully, God has blessed me with this realization now.

I never was one to ask forgiveness versus permission, but perhaps that was because my entire lifestyle was a testimony to that concept, so I just never saw myself actually acting it out. I am so tired of being the woman who choses to grow after the situation has happened. I consider myself a rather honest person, never afraid to speak my mind. Perhaps I should, with discernment and grace, begin speaking it a little bit more in the moment than months after. I've missed out on several opportunities in my life because of this way of thinking, and I'm rather sick of it.

Praise God for self awareness. As I journey into this new chapter, I ask God for the ability to see when I start to fall into that pattern again. I don't want to be someone who has to constantly go back and prove myself. It all started my first summer on camp at Tadmor. I hated who I was that first year, so I returned the second year and was so busy trying to prove myself, I forget the heart of why I was there in the first place. Then, I found Discovery, where I was given a wake-up call that no matter what I did to prove myself, I would never be the "ideal guide", so I had to come to grips with being the ideal Kendra first. That took a lot of humiliation, several failed attempts at rapids I couldn't seem to hit, a one hour rock climbing experience that took other guides about ten to fifteen minutes to complete, and a summer that radically changed my life.

I finally am glad to be exactly where I am, exactly who I am, and I'm not apologizing for who I have been these last few months. I am learning. Of course there are things I will do wrong and things I will need forgiveness for, but rather than not taking daily opportunities to grow and speak and share and be poured into, I want to make sure each moment of the day is seized.

So in that, I am sorry I haven't posted much lately, I have some very important things to share with you, but I wanted you to know where I was during this time! Thanks for listening, and press in during these next few weeks to what God has in store...pray I will be too.

Love,

Kendra

And the walls came tumbling down...

Have you ever fallen for someone that you honestly knew was rather unrealistic? When I was younger I fell for this incredibly handsome young man known as Devon Sawa. You may recall his appearance in the movie “Little Giants” or possibly as Casper’s human version in the last few minutes of the movie. I’m not sure what I liked about him more, the ability he had to be attractive and the friendliest ghost you could know, or possibly that he was so unrealistic I’d never have to be caught off guard at the possibility of it working out.

As much of a joke as it was back then, this mentality followed me through up until my sophomore year of college. It was as though I would deliberately choose to like people who were entirely unavailable as some form of defense mechanism. Take Aaron Conlin for instance. Aaron was someone who I though was one of the most attractive boys that I had met in my entire life. When I first met him however, he had a girlfriend. I was a bit taken aback because I personally don’t really get to know guys who have girlfriends, but I thought I would still be friendly (appropriately of course) and just assume that it would never happen. Well…it didn’t happen.

The thing was that a year or so later Aaron called me up to let me know that him and his girlfriend had ended. He was so sure that I would be willing to run to him now that he was available, but it was during that year that I really let go of any chance of possibly being with him, so when the time came I had already emotionally moved on. The problem was that I didn’t move on until about midway through liking him. I kept my distance and didn’t really get to know him once I realized I had feelings for him, but I still always liked to believe that if he had been single we would have had a quality go at a relationship.

He moved away shortly after revealing that he was interested in me and I haven’t really talked to him since. In fact, it wasn’t until recalling that story that I realized how much thought time I had invested in him during those months of liking him. See, rather than make myself available to those that are actually available I tend to go for the ones that I have about a 90% guarantee will never work out. That way, when it doesn’t end up happening in the long run I don’t get hurt.

You would think this line of thinking was rather crazy, and honestly it has served me a good five years of missing out on incredible opportunity around me, but remaining entirely protected. Last night I revealed to you how much rejection I’ve had in my life. I should also let you in to the fact that I have rejected a few offers here and there on account of my fear of something actually working out. How can a girl who is so relational struggle when something actually goes her way? I think it is because I don’t anticipate having feelings reciprocated, so when it happens I always question the motivation behind it.

Now here is where it gets a little sketchy. Many women, friends, and coworkers claim that I am afraid of relationships because I am insecure. I would like to tell you that it stems directly from that and once I gain a good hold on my confidence, all will be well. The problem is that it is so much more than that. I do struggle with insecurities, as do we all, but it isn’t within them that lies the root of why I protect myself. It comes from a lengthy past of being manipulated to partake in things that I never wanted to. It comes from being taken advantage of by certain men in my life and having to get over the fact that I am worth far more than what my body is capable of doing. This is why it is so hard to trust the motivation behind being pursued, and why I am so good at protecting myself from having to deal with it.

As much as it works, it almost works a bit too well. At the beginning of my spring semester a friend of mine told me that I was intimidating. I asked why and he suggested that I take a look at how independent I am. I never really thought of myself as independent. I mean I would like to think that my relationships are give and take, and that I rely on individuals to support me in my pursuing of what God has called me to do. After a few hours of taking a deep look at myself however, I realized that maybe he was a bit more right than I wanted him to be.

In making a list of boundaries, and setting out to help women become self aware and learn how to appropriately pursue relationships that don’t hinder them in their relationship with the Lord as well as relationships with other people, I have to admit that there is an overprotectiveness that can work against you if you take my advice too far. There definitely is a point in which you need to use my writings in guarding yourself, but I would never suggest to be so protected that you miss out on what God has for you.

This became true in my life this last year. I have been so focused on knowing in my life that I have not met the man who I want to entrust my heart to. I was so sure that God did not introduce me to him yet that I put up a wall in regards to shielding myself from seeing any possible chance of love around me. I have my goals in place for my life. I know what God wants me to do and I am chasing after it with my whole heart. I used to believe that if that were all true, God would bless me in His timing if He wanted me to be married.

Then the inevitable happened. I was approached with an opportunity that I didn’t know how to respond to. I needed time. I needed time to process all that was happening and figure out what it was that I even wanted out of a relationship with someone at this point in my life. Well, once again….nothing happened. Only this time it wasn’t so much that I was closed off to anything happening, I just didn’t know how to phrase it in a way that made it fair to the other person. So much of this came from the boundaries I had placed in my life.

The thing is that I don’t regret that it didn’t work out but I do regret that in the process I lost one of my good friends. As I grow older I’m starting to learn that it is so good to have a strong focus on what I want, that I need to be focused on what I want in order to get there but please, understand me when I say that being focused doesn’t mean that you can discount your desire to be with someone. It isn’t even so much that I want to be with someone specifically, but I used to think that I had to be okay with being alone for the rest of my life because I thought that meant I was somehow strong enough to be. While I don’t think it is okay to tell someone that the man of their dreams is out there when I don’t know if he actually is, I still don’t think you should ever hide the desire you have for relationship, especially from God.

There is this push for women in our society, especially young ladies, to remain pure and naïve and wholesome. In the church we don’t talk about sex drives or desire or passion or lust when it comes to women. How many of you have heard a Pastor say, “Now men….we all know that you struggle visually….” While it may be true that men do struggle I get tired of feeling like we aren’t supposed to have the same tendency. Maybe one sex struggles more than the other in different areas, but I’m so sick of women being told that they are purely emotional beings. If that were true, then when I watch my romantic comedies I wouldn’t want to go make out with the boy next door right after. I would be focused on wanting to be wooed first, but the truth is I’m not.

All of this hushing and quieting of desire is even more of a push to protect you from any inkling of an attraction for someone else. It breaks my heart when women don’t know how to respond to someone being interested in them so they end up shutting down completely. Strength isn’t characterized by having no desire. Strength is characterized by entrusting your desire to God.

In the same way, I can’t expect to be open to a relationship in my life if I’m not willing to let down my walls but keep my boundaries. Boundaries are in place to allow for relationship. Walls are something for you to hide behind. Boundaries are something for you to live by. It is as though I live in a kingdom. I can’t let someone in if they can’t even get in past the gate. I still have protection once they pursue me, but I have to at least be able to see them for pursuing to occur. The walls have to go. Not only are they entirely unnecessary they are hurting me from the chance of being open altogether.

Please, if there is anything for you to take away from my advice. It is that you don’t live by extremes of what I have to offer. I am merely suggesting that you start to look at what trace you are relationally leaving behind, not so much what rules or regulations are necessary for someone to be interested in you. Be open but smart. Don’t be willing to give everything to someone at first glance, but pace yourself in getting to know him or her. That is what the boundaries are even there for.

Thank you so much for reading.

I am a reject.

Five pounds heavier, Cadbury chocolate drool down my cheek, and The Holiday playing off in the distance and I’m still me. Satan plays brutal tricks on me sometimes that I feel as though I can’t handle. Have you ever met those girls that seem to entrance any man that they so desire? It is this incredible ability that I have never fully come to understand. Then these men, bless their hearts, seem to fall deep in love with these women only to find themselves a few weeks in and completely devastated over the heartache that the woman they thought was for them is now gone. Guess the game doesn’t work so well if the participants aren’t fully aware of it.

Tonight I received some news. Rejection. Rejection, rejection, rejection. There is no amount of Ben & Jerry’s that seems to medicate or remedy the emotional and mental trauma that come along with it. I’m not good enough. My stomach is too fat. I have a beauty mark under my left eye that is gross. I have to tweeze my eyebrows or I look like a member of Jacob’s wolf pack. I understand. I get that I may not be exactly what you are looking for. Tonight I discovered that a man who I had found highly attractive my freshmen year fell instantly for the woman that I used to wish to be.

That is the thing about envy. Although it may be all consuming, it seems to come in waves and currently I am or was sitting pretty in regards to my opinion of myself. I don’t think I’m hot. I think I am a true beauty with a solid heart and a willingness to get to know anyone. I have to pull at my jeans to camouflage an extra roll or two of holiday weight gain. My eyeliner never really seems to stay put. My arms wave hello just as much as my hands do. I shuffle when I walk. My hair looks like I just woke up at any point in the day and when I truly smile, my top lip becomes nonexistent. I am imperfect. I am not the woman who I so envied. I don’t have the ability to entrance any man of my choosing, and I’m not someone who the men find ridiculously attractive.

Isn’t it easy to pick ourselves apart? Give me a mirror and I’ll give you fifty reasons why a man would pass by me and not even take a second look. Today I was chatting with a friend over the power of outwardly appearance and the ridiculous stress our society puts on finding someone everyone else considers attractive. There is the key. You see to some of you my imperfections may appear rather unavoidable. You may look at me and suggest I buy a bigger t-shirt, or try wearing a different shade of foundation, or even buy a cheap box of hair dye to fix my roots or enhance my skin tone. The truth is that I care. I wish I could sit here and like so many incredible women say that I don’t but I do.

You know I used to think that my confidence level in God was marked by how much I did or didn’t care about other’s opinions? It is quite the ideal to think that the moment we reach ultimate confidence in Him all insecurities fade away. While it may be true in a moment, it is not necessarily a daily thing for me. I don’t wake up each morning and feel beautiful. I don’t feel not beautiful. I just don’t necessarily have an opinion of myself for the day just yet. I go to the mirror, pray a prayer of thanksgiving for having the body to be capable of getting out of bed this morning and then go to put on my makeup and fix my hair. It is at this time I am challenged. I am challenged to look at myself in the image of God. I often fail at this point.

When my eyes meet my eyes in the mirror I see something beautiful. I don’t think I am the most beautiful woman in the world, nor do I start dry heaving with disgust at what God has given me. It is not really an extreme of some sort but rather a time of choosing. I get to choose how I will approach the next twenty to thirty minutes of prepping and primping myself to what I would deem as average.

This weekend I spent the entire time feeling so encouraged by my girlfriends. I genuinely started to believe that I was beautiful, and didn’t even have to second guess it for the last three days. Then I come home and find out that the minute the woman who I so badly envied for the last few years worked her charm, the boy I liked for three months who I still can’t seem for the life of me to even have a genuine conversation with fell in love. It was heart breaking, but why?

It was heart breaking because I was unwanted. I think this is where I get so confused. I was unwanted which in turn would mean that I was rejected but it doesn’t necessarily make me rush to the gym to lose fifteen pounds to gain the attention of the man who rejected me. I don’t really want his attention I just want the affirmation that I’m not unwanted by someone else. There is this bittersweet understanding of mind that I came to about six years ago. “When one boy rejects you, you are just one step closer to the one who won’t.” I don’t know who in the heck told me that line, but it is so against my views on where my confidence should be stemming from.

I’m not going to sit here and wait for the man of my dreams to come along and affirm me. I don’t want to place my confidence in him because he will ultimately fail me. This constant believing that we are to just wait for someone to give us that affirmation needs to stop. I want to find my confidence in God alone. This also comes with the responsibility of remaining humble in knowing my confidence is from Him alone as well.

I’ve been rejected multiple times in my life. I will probably be rejected several more but that is the thing with rejection. Sometimes it is necessary in being exactly where we need to be at the point we are at. Praise God I was rejected by the boy from freshmen year. I am thankful that we did not date because if we did I can honestly say I wouldn’t be who I am now, nor writing down all the things I have to offer. I want to be attractive for one man and one man alone. This year has held within it some pretty brutal rejections. I don’t want to have to prove to someone that I am worth their risk, or time, or effort.

In the same respect, I don’t want to convince myself that someone is worth my risk, or time, or effort. I think sometimes we don’t see the flipside that rejection also has within it the fact that it hurts much less when we cut it off the sooner we know. I do believe that there has to be some sort of closure granted to those that we don’t feel right with. I don’t know if “right” is even the appropriate word but I’m suggesting that give others the same respect you would like. I want to be told when I’m not what someone wants because it gives me the release of not pouring myself into that relationship.

I’m not trying to be brutal here I am just saying that from all my experience in being rejected, I wish some of the men that had done it would have just been a little quicker in doing so. Yes, sometimes we genuinely don’t know until later on that this person is not necessarily the one we want to be with, but don’t prolong the hurt out of fear that maybe it will get better or maybe you will eventually start to like them in that way. Just say it. Be honest, be open, and be true to what you have to say.

The last piece of advice before I go to bed is that you don’t see this as me saying I’m too fat, too ugly, too whatever it may be. I’m saying that I don’t live in the way that it is that extreme. I don’t think I’m too anything but I also don’t have my confidence placed in the Lord. That is almost scarier because I think it causes my insecurities to go unnoticed until rejection strikes and suddenly I feel more worthless than a car with no engine. This is all such mumbo jumbo but I told you it’d be raw, and tonight this is what I’m dealing with.

Apologies and Bridesmaids

First and foremost I have to apologize for my lack of posting. Finals, midterms, whatever you'd like to call them they have been completely distracting me from getting my book done...how rude! It is as though I'm a college student or something.

Seriously though, it has been far too long and so I thought I'd start us out with something a little different. I wanted to let you know that I have been prayerfully considering all aspects of a single life, especially being a single woman. It isn't that men aren't important by any means, it is just that I have the pleasure of knowing far more about being a woman than a man! So, just in case some of you were wondering, although my writing can be easily applicable to several walks of life, ages, and so on, it is definitely more focused on the woman's side of how to live. I would appreciate that you men read what I am saying and give me feedback on what you can take away as well, as I do believe there are some solid principles underlying the majority of my work.

Today I want to chat with you about bridesmaids. For some of you, you are already married and thus are a bit over the whole ordeal of who to choose, who to let go, and who you want to stand next to you as you marry the love of your life. For me, I was given the opportunity to come to a brutal realization a few months ago that I was not chosen to be next to one of my closest friends. This realization hurt, it was more painful I believe because it really put our relationship into perspective. For the last several years it always seemed as though our relationship was rather unbalanced. I would call her for insight, utilize her prayer warrior abilities when coming into new situations, and call upon her when I was unsure of what to do.

The problem was is my phone remained silent. I did not receive phone calls, nor text messages or lengthy e-mails requesting prayer. I never found myself feeling as though our relationship was a mutual blend of reliance upon one another. That definitely became clear when her wedding rolled around in January, and my name was nowhere to be found in the bridal party.

A few evenings ago, I was sitting with some girlfriends chatting over lemon pepper chicken and diced potatoes, and I made a funny comment that has stuck with me ever since. These lovely women have just stepped foot into my life this year. I have appreciated them so much in learning more and more about myself and feeling held accountable to the progress I am making in my journey with the Lord. As we were chatting, one of the women claimed that she enjoyed our coming together, and I jokingly said, "You two are definitely bridesmaids material" or something to that extent.

Later on, after the dishes had been done and the girls had gone home, I sat in the living room and pondered what I had said. I believe that just as some women have this innate desire to be married to the man of their dreams one day, they also have this incredible passion for finding women to support them in doing so. My first year at Biola was spent doing just that. I had a scrapbook mentality in finding women who would complete the idealistic group of individuals who I wanted to spend every Saturday night going out with, every Sunday morning praying with, and every holiday sharing gifts with. I wanted a group of inseparable girlfriends.

I wanted to be able to step foot into a relationship one day with a man, knowing that I had at least a group of three to five women supporting me and holding me accountable through that relationship. I even made a claim a few years ago that I would avoid the dating scene altogether until I had done so. Well, here I am heading into my senior year here at Biola, and the closest thing I had to my dream was let go a few months ago when I chose to study abroad rather than stay in California.

It is so interesting to me that we go through areas of life where God brings in different individuals to join us in our efforts of following His plan. We may not always find those friends that last for lifetimes, but there is something bittersweet in finding the ones that partake in certain areas, where there appearance was or is definitely necessary. I was spoiled in finding a friend who I consider to be one of my best two years ago. She lives in an entirely different state than me, and yet we both seem to somehow make it work. She knows my heart, and my struggles. She isn't afraid to suggest guidance and counsel, or remain silent when nothing is to be said. From her, I learned that perhaps I've been looking for the wrong things when approaching my "bridesmaid" friends.

It is silly, but I am being honest with you when I say that I still somewhat cling to that mentality, that one day I will be able to stand before my friends and family not only with the man I am committing myself to by my side, but also the women affirming and holding me to that commitment on my other. I've started to recognize that my idealistic view of what a quality group of girlfriends looks like has changed. I no longer find someone just to attend soccer games with, or share a pint of Ben and Jerry's when I've watched one episode of the Bachelor too many, but someone who can also point and direct me to Christ on a daily basis, even through the blubbering nonsense and spoonfuls of New York Super Fudge Chunk!

I would challenge you to recognize what blessings God has brought into your life as friends. It may not look like how you pictured it, I know mine definitely don't. It is when we forget to recognize what we do have that Satan begins to pester us on what we don't. It is when we forget to be a friend when we start to lose those closest to us. It is when our motivation is impure that manipulation begins to creep into our relationships. Keep in mind that God knows exactly what you need in each moment.

Two summers ago when I was guiding I was faced with a similar scenario to depict this idea of friendships. My campers and I had already had a rather exhausting week, and as we headed into the most intimidating rapid on the river, my heart sank. I knew that my line was completely wrong and suddenly I felt my boat being pulled into a dangerous position. One of the girls in front of me started to fall out, and in grabbing her I lost my own balance and ended up overboard within seconds! I quickly realized that my girls were now going downriver alone, and that in sheer panic they all began frantically paddling, causing them to do circles. From the shore, another guide began hollering orders at my boat. The girls, after a few moments of shrieks and gasps, finally paid attention and got themselves over to the edge.

When I reached them, they were all so proud of getting through the situation without their guide. When I got back into the boat we talked about why they felt so confidence once they realized they could do it. They shared with me that it was because of the woman who had called to them from the shore. They trusted her, because she knew what she was doing and her commands were identical to what I had been calling out all day. It was familiar, and even though it wasn't necessarily mine, they knew that they could get back to safety. I told the girls that sometimes in life this is where friendships are the most crucial. We may be going through some pretty scary situations in which we don't feel like we can always hear God, or His commands. The girl knew the actions, they had the training and knew how to move the boat, it was the direction that they lacked. Sometimes God blesses us with utilizing relationships in our lives to keep us on track. We may not always hear what He has to say but we can trust those who are obviously living in line with Him to direct us towards His voice.

I have been so thankful for the solid relationships I have built over these last years. In coming back to school I've had to let go of several friendships that I truly cherished last year. The problem is that we all change, and sometimes friendships may be appropriate for one season, but not another. I would challenge you to remember that there should be discernment in selecting those closest to you. I'm not saying that you have to reject everyone around you who doesn't fit what you are looking for in a close friend. I am merely suggesting that you take into account that who you surround yourself with heavily influences you.

It is no longer about finding women to just stand by me on my wedding day. It is about finding those that direct back towards Christ each step of the way, with our without a marriage and with or without their name on a wedding program to feel affirmed in it. In the same way, I have recently started challenging myself on the friend that I want to be. We have heard this lesson several times before, and even writing it now I can honestly say I'm a tad bit desensitized to its impact. I'd challenge you to move past the simpleness of it and find the truth. Seek those that will hold you to who He has made you to be. Women seek women. In the next section I will be talking about male friendships. While it is so good to have brothers in Christ who you fellowship with, please know that there is nothing better than surrounding yourself with women who support you. You don't have to let go of those friendships once you marry as well. Keep that in mind :)

Blessings,

Kendra

When it rains, it pours.

Listening to the sound of rain hit the roof above me, I’m reminded that sometimes amidst the downpours of life, there is still something comforting of hearing the rain. For me, rain doesn’t necessarily mark a time of pain or hurt, but rather one of learning. I’ve learned a lot these last few years, and yesterday marked a day of affirmation in just how far I’ve come.

God pursues me. For two years I waited around for someone. I speak to women all the time about false hope and unrealistic expectation, when my life was a solid representation of why it doesn’t work. I didn’t expect, but I did hope. I hoped that in some way the friendship I was building would in turn give me a chance to let go of any romantic attachment. I prayed that it would remain exactly that…a friendship, and that my heart would be fully restored in Christ for the emotional turmoil that waiting for someone can bring. I didn’t cry all the time if that is what you are thinking, but I did compare.

I compared men coming in and out of my life to that individual. My perspective of them became jaded, and I started playing mind games over whether or not they would be a good fit, based off of the qualities I wanted them to have that I saw in this man. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair to myself or to the men pursuing me, and to finally know for the final and last time yesterday that my waiting had come to an end was beautifully refreshing.

The rain brings comfort to me because it reminds me of the release of something. Rain is carried to a point of overflow, and then it downpours. I was carrying something with me for a long time. What I considered waiting many of you could deem as a defense mechanism. My emotions were preoccupied with someone else so I justified remaining single through that time by not being able to give my whole self to someone. That goes against my idea of dating.

I don’t think dating is about giving your whole self to someone. I don’t think dating is about giving anything at all. I came to a harsh realization this weekend that dating in Christian culture is almost impossible. Yes it can work and many of you can prove me wrong, but I’ll keep it to my own experience and opinion. In my life, I’ve seen men pursue me and turn dating into a one-way ticket to marriage. It is as though there is no such thing as dating anymore, but rather “relationshipping”.

I get sick of playing “married”. I don’t want to become attached to an individual only for the purpose of throwing my entire future into their plan within our first meeting. I see that happen a lot these days. Yes, if you find the right one and are committed to one another that decision becomes a bit trickier to make, but in dating, I don’t think those conversations should be a determining factor of getting to know someone.

Too often the seriousness of dating in Christian culture scares me away from even considering it. What is dating anyway? In my opinion, I thought dating was going out one-on-one with someone to get to know them and learn what qualities I found that I would like to see in my future spouse. I never thought it was to make the other person my future spouse, at least not in the strictly dating side of it. A relationship to me was the next step. I thought relationships were committed decisions to move beyond dating into a more exclusive and intentional getting to know the individual for the purpose of marriage. That to me was relationship.

I feel like I’ve been wrong or the marketed dating I see around me is just opposite of what I thought. The line between dating and relationshipping has faded. You can no longer be taken out by someone just to get to know them without forming some sort of emotional commitment to them, even if you’ve never discussed being exclusive. Christian culture deems those that are being pursued by multiple people as an emotional whore or slut, and those pursuing more than one individual as players or tools, no matter what boundaries are in place. I used to not understand why “Biola dating” was such a key way of how relationships were coming about, but now I get it.

Biola dating is the solution to overcoming relationshipping. Rather than date at all, individuals become friends with who they want to be in a relationship with, spend time together and then one day decide to make it “Facebook official”. I thought that was ridiculous, and gave no room to test drive the car before jumping right into a lease. Then I realized that it is an ingenious way of skipping the process of pursuing so that there isn’t that complication or confusion of others stepping in on their territory. It keeps things “casual” and then moves drastically into “serious”. There is no in between.

Why have we become so afraid of the in between? Outside of waiting for that individual specifically, I also chose to wait for dating until college. I thought it would be different once I reached an older age but the truth is Biola dating is just the same as high school flings, if not worse. Yet it works out for many people, I just don’t think I will be able to be one of them.

Some may think my opinion of dating is also a bit tweaked because of the environment I live in. They claim that it is just at Biola, or any other Christian campus, but outside of that things are different. Yes things are different, but I’m afraid that the Christian college mindset on dating extends beyond campuses. The majority of college aged Christians attending church in my area are also from Biola. That way of dating has thus created about a ten-mile radius of making its way into being the “better” approach.

This then calls into account my feelings on being pursued at all. In figuring out what I want these days, I think it is just simply to be asked to get to know more in a dating situation such as dinner or walking downtown. I’d rather have someone call a date as what it is, so that I understand they are using the experience as learning what qualities they find attractive and if we both find that in each other continuing to date, while keeping boundaries up, to figure out if it is something worth checking into.

Surprise dates are not my favorite. A few times in my life a guy has asked me to “hang out”. We go to coffee or to lunch and about midway through they hit me with a, “So where do you think we are going?” My response usually is along the lines of, “Back to school?” I never really understood the blind sight approach to dating someone.

Here is a hint for the guys: you have a better chance of straight up just asking the girl on a date in the first place, if you get rejected you can save the cash and the awkwardness of her telling you in a public setting.

So then, what boundaries need to be in place during this process? I wish I could tell you I knew, but honestly I’m learning right there with you.

I used to hate when authors would premise a book with that.

“I know what you are going through…”

I hated that, I felt that if they didn’t know for certain the advice they were giving me, then why in the world would they share it in the first place? I don’t want them to be learning with me, I want them to be teaching me.

Recently I started to struggle with the experience side of my work. No one wants to read about being married from someone who has never been asked out. Similarly, no one wants to read about relationships from someone who has never had one.

That is why I try and stick to being single, and not celibacy. One of my professors shared with me this morning that he doesn’t think I’m called to celibacy, but that I am addressing the issues that are presented to a woman who is single, but may not always be single. That is exactly what I’m trying to do with my book.

How then do you interact with men you find attractive? If you aren’t committed to a relationship with someone is it acceptable to allow more than one man to pursue you? Should you refrain from the dating scene altogether until you know for certain the answers to such questions?

I am learning alongside you. Not to say that my words aren’t valuable, but the point of this blog is to work through several of the issues I’m trying to address. In opening myself up to even writing about them, God has already been giving me several opportunities to put into practice what I am writing. The boundaries I’m encouraging women to find in themselves isn’t so that they can find a man as a result, but it is a way to protect themselves in order to live with the desire of wanting a relationship and being able to one day have one, but respecting themselves and men in the process.

It should also encourage the woman that may not end up having a relationship one day to living a life that is fulfilling and full of integrity. By taking into account her actions and the situations she is placing herself in, she is open to the clarity of being used by her Creator, not just to one day give herself to someone fully (although that is a huge plus for those that do end up in relationship).

A Kitchen Timer

My grandma used to own a small white kitchen timer that would hang on her fridge. One of my favorite sounds as a kid was to hear the timer go off, knowing I was just moment away from enjoying some delightful treat! It was almost like I had become one of Pavlov’s dogs, because each time I would hear the first ding, my mouth would water in anticipation.

When I was in New Zealand we had a similar way of notifying the convent that supper was on the table. We would ring a small bell that signaled the feast was ready to enjoy. For weeks after, when I returned home, meals would just be handed to me and there was no anticipation factor. It just wasn’t really the same.

There is something to be said about expecting what is to come after the first signal. If I were to ring a bell now, with those same individuals from New Zealand, they most likely wouldn’t expect a meal in return, but their memory would trigger an anticipation and reminiscing of the several meals once associated with that sound. Individuals that expect are often first taught what to expect. The thing is that food is something our body needs, we have had it from when we first came into this world, so salivating comes naturally when trained to expect it.

Similarly, the body has a sexual drive. Given the right signal, parts within the body start to come into play, expecting the follow through. This next topic gets a bit uncomfortable to discuss, but I think it is necessary in holding yourself accountable and becoming aware of what signals you are giving.

I get so frustrated when women come to me upset about how they have been taken advantage of, later on revealing that perhaps it was them who suggested the idea in the first place. Yes, I do agree that abuse happens (as it was done to me as well), but sometimes I have to call into play the events leading up to the initial taking advantage of. For many women, they want a man who will be self-controlled. They want someone who will tell them to stop, or not even put them in situations where anything will be compromised. I just want to say before we get into this, that it is that kind of thinking that can end up being detrimental to a relationship or pursuing of someone else.

If you find someone who you are interested in getting to know, it is only natural to assume that there will be some physical attraction accompanied by the interest. Finding someone who doesn’t want to be intimate with you on any level could potentially lead to a sexually distant partner in the future. This is the fragile and almost impossible aspect of finding a respectful man. If I find someone who doesn’t want to even kiss me until our wedding day, that doesn’t necessarily mean that he doesn’t want to, it could just be the boundary he has chosen to follow. While I, on the other hand, haven’t chosen that boundary in my own life I need to be aware that him not doing something may not signal that he is disinterested. This is where honesty comes into play. I think sometimes we are so concerned with how not to have sexual intimacy, or physical intimacy for that matter, that we fail to discuss the reasoning behind our actions, leading to complication and misunderstanding.

I think we have to be willing to talk about where we are at, especially in being pursued by someone. Talking can be one of the biggest lifesavers in not pushing you beyond your boundaries, on both sides of the relationship.

I just watched a reality TV show awhile back where the woman told the man on the show that she didn’t want him to kiss her and then preceded to kiss his neck, cheek, and so on. Mixed signals are also one of the biggest dangers to sticking to your boundaries. If we set the timer off, and fail to follow through with what is expected, we often are either forced to fulfill the expectation regardless, or end up compromising our morals out of guilt for not following through. It also would then be reasonable to believe that we can’t set the timer off and be offended at the expectation on the other end. We know what is expected once physical intimacy begins. It doesn’t matter your religion, nor your walk in life, if you choose to begin the process of sex and fail to fulfill it, there is not only disappointment that will result but also confusion, anger, frustration which can lead to abuse.

This then becomes one of the biggest justification factors women have in being taken advantage of, or being victimized by having their boundaries crossed. They throw all the blame on the men, when they initiated the signal, or said they didn’t want something but failed to reveal it in their actions. How then, can we begin to remedy the situation before it reaches that point? We have to first understand how and when our own timer is set off. For me, when someone starts to cuddle with me my timer goes off, and I am expecting to reach a point of fulfillment. My stopping point ends when my neck is kissed. As a fourteen year old, I was taught that a man could kiss my neck but the fact that I hadn’t been “actually kissed” would keep my integrity in tact. Once this point is reached, I stop and also stop whatever I’ve started in the other person.

Thankfully, I’ve met several men who are “okay” with that stopping point, or at least have to deal with it being over. For others, if two stopping points don’t match up, it can end in abused intimacy. When I was seventeen I was taken on a date by a guy named Sean. Sean was one of the most attractive men I had, and even to this day have ever met. His features were handsome, he had dark brown hair, tan skin, and baby blue eyes. His six pack and chiseled figure was hard to ignore. We went out for coffee and somehow ended up at a parking lot next to the local park.

My heart raced as he introduced me to the concept of Christian hook-up buddies, or what I like to call “frick buddies” (a.k.a. sexually promiscuous buddies, minus the sex), seeing as how Christian cursing is sweeping the nation these days. He took me into the back of his car and started to kiss my neck, as he made his way past any boundaries I had even yet to think about, I started to realize that my views were no longer black and white. I had never thought about anything past kissing my neck before, and thus had no idea of what to or not to do. This is also an issue that can come into play when new territories are reached. I had to learn the hard way that I needed to think about all aspects of physical intimacy, including things that I wasn’t taught about in school or at church. We all know that in Christian culture, sex is bad until marriage, but what about everything leading up to it?

For many, even touching the opposite sex sparks feelings, emotions, and choices that shouldn’t take place so they refrain by not even kissing until the alter. For others, kissing to a certain extent is acceptable. Like I said, this is an issue that isn’t necessarily black and white, although many claim that it is. Here is my take on it, without getting into the brutal imagery of the whole thing. I think that it goes back to the timer. Why would I want to start up something I can’t follow through? Biologically speaking, the sexual process within a man and woman is highly intricate, performing in a way that expects the follow through. Making a man reach the point of having to follow through himself is just as bad, in my opinion, as fulfilling it for him.

Also, the start-up can happen for guys in several different ways. Many women would believe that oral or hand contact isn’t necessarily sex, but if it puts into process all of the aspects of sex and fulfills it with another part of the body, wouldn’t that in turn be the same thing? I’m not saying this for conviction or to bring you to a point of self pity or hate, I’m just suggesting that we have to get out of thinking about sex as the act by itself, especially in becoming aware of the signals we are giving. Save yourself from what can happen later on by learning your trigger now. Some of you may think that you have to learn your trigger by experience, but I’d ask you to pull from what you already know about yourself. What thoughts or visual stimulants begin the process in you? Is it watching someone kiss? Or is it even knowing that you already are rather physical, and thus having to refrain from cuddling situations altogether like me?

Here is a side note as well: When I go out dancing, I choose to not inappropriately dance on someone. I love going out and just acting like the ridiculous dork that I am, whether I am fake popping or pretending I’m the best hip hop dancer there is. Whatever it may be, I walk into the dance floor knowing that I can’t put myself in a physically intimate situation. I personally don’t seem to get a fill from dancing with someone else, but I’m pretty good at ensuring that his timer is going off. While that may sound arrogant, it is just fact. Any woman who throws herself on a man while dancing can learn how to be good at it, it doesn’t take much skill, although some men may disagree. The truth is that I’d way rather have fun dancing with someone, which I think needs to be restored to understanding that you don’t have to be grinding on them to be with them. Once again, if one part of your body is fulfilling the role of what another would during intercourse, in my opinion that is sex.

So where is the line between expressing how you feel about someone physically and going too far. Well, as a single woman I don’t really know where that line is within a relationship. For me, I have chosen to not set off timers that I want nothing to do with, especially after being a tease for so many years. So does that mean I can set off the ones I actually care about? Honestly, I don’t think it is appropriate to be initiating any form of physical intimacy with someone that you aren’t committed to. I like to personally hold hands as a way to reflect to someone that I’m enjoying being with them and want to show it in a physical way. That is my personal reflection of it. For some, that may look like kissing, others it may be taken to making out. Some would say my handholding is going too far even. It is finding what you are comfortable with, without losing a part of yourself in the process.

If I never saw a man after holding his hand, I personally wouldn’t see the harm in him taking a part of me with him. If he was someone who I knew would see hand holding as serious commitment, I probably wouldn’t hold his hand only to avoid him losing a part of himself with me. This goes back to talking through the areas of physical intimacy with who you are getting to know. Kissing to me is something rather special, so I don’t think I could say that walking away from kissing someone for a period of time would leave me just as I was, they would probably have a lot more than a physically intimate part of me, but also an emotional attachment as well.

I would challenge you to take a look at your outward expressions of the boundaries you have set. Are you giving off the vibe that you won’t reach a certain point with someone? Have you even considered what point you will reach? It is by asking the hard questions that we can start to have clarity in what we are looking for out of a relationship. For single women, it is important to keep in mind that we also will interact with men who we aren’t committed to. I’ve seen one of my closest friends encouraged to express her sexuality by finding men to fool around with now, so she will be more experienced for her future, or at least “get it out of her system”. Please, whatever you choose to do, know that this mentality is what drives so many women to disappointment and insecurity. Is it better to respect the men you do interact with now and one day fully invest in one individual so you have full appreciation for the physical intimacy you do have? Or would you rather spread yourself around and experience different situations to realize that you fully appreciate the physical intimacy you one day may have?

For me, I can’t play that game. I can’t assume that by getting to see what is out there I’ll have a better idea of what I want physically. I’d rather devote myself to giving that to one man, and hopefully in that respect believing that it is even more intimate because he is the only one I’ve experienced it with. I could be in for a rather rude reality check when I realize that this side of thinking may result in another kind of disappointment. I’ve had a few friends that have gotten married over the years and shared with me the immense pressure put on waiting until they were married. The first night together wasn’t blissful and heavenly, but awkward and uncomfortable. One friend even claimed that her and her husband rarely had sex because she felt so ashamed, even though she had waited.

I can’t tell you how to fix that. I can’t even give you hope that it isn’t true, because I obviously have never been there, but I can encourage you that if you don’t expect a blissful and heavenly performance, but rather a blissful and heavenly love you may be on a better track. I don’t expect that by saving myself for someone I am guaranteed the best that is out there, but I am guaranteed the fact that he will know that I have only partaken in the act with him and him alone. I will love him, and my love will be expressed to him and only him in such an intimate way. So although the act itself may bring with it struggles of the unknown, I at least have certainty that the love and choice to wait will remain special to both of us.

Notice how I said my choice to wait, and not ours. Early on I suggested that we have to be open to the fact that the one we get to be with may not be physically where we are. I’ve experienced a few things on the scale of sexual intimacy in my life, and I’m not about to think that whomever I end up with will be right alongside me. He may have experienced far more, or far less, it is the expecting that they will be less that I fear pushes so many individuals to placing pressure on one another resulting to breaking up in the future. I think some of the expectancy stems from the insecurity that if we are with someone who has experienced more, they may think that we aren’t good enough at something. If you are with someone who makes you feel that way, get out of the relationship. If that however is a part of your own insecurity, not enforced by your partner, be sure to differentiate it.

My hope is that one day I will be with a man who doesn’t make me feel inadequate, but views our intimacy on another wavelength, being entirely different from any he may have experienced before me. I’d like to be taken as an individual, and not a competition in trying to go against what he has had outside of our relationship. This doesn’t change my opinion on waiting though because it encourages me that it is something I can give him, even if I don’t receive it in return. I believe that experiences in life shouldn’t be taken with you in mind if you didn’t even know them. Yes, for many people they go with the idea that every choice you make should be with your future spouse in mind, that is proactive and I believe it is solid. I am going on the other side of it after you have experienced something that will affect your relationship with your partner in the future.

It hurts my heart when I see people get offended at their boyfriend or girlfriends acts prior their relationship. I have even seen some women take it personally. The problem with that thinking is that it doesn’t allow grace. It makes the person who has already felt the guilt and shame and even work through of something experience it all over again. Whomever I end up with will have to deal with what I have been through, which inevitably has made me the woman he has fallen for in the first place. That doesn’t give me a “get out of jail free” card to do what I want now with no responsibility. It does however make me put into check what I am doing because of the experiences I’ve had, and that is where the whole boundary concept comes into play.

The last piece of advice I have for you is to trust. If you are with someone now who has been through far more than you or vice versa, trust that the love you have will go beyond those insecurities. If you have experienced things in your life to this point and feel as though you could never regain a positive experience of intimacy, trust that by learning from your experiences and growing through them you will be able to move beyond them. Lastly, know yourself. If there is one thing you walk away from this book with, it is to become aware of your actions and ensuring that you are accountable to whatever timer may be set off as a result.