Apologies and Bridesmaids

First and foremost I have to apologize for my lack of posting. Finals, midterms, whatever you'd like to call them they have been completely distracting me from getting my book done...how rude! It is as though I'm a college student or something.

Seriously though, it has been far too long and so I thought I'd start us out with something a little different. I wanted to let you know that I have been prayerfully considering all aspects of a single life, especially being a single woman. It isn't that men aren't important by any means, it is just that I have the pleasure of knowing far more about being a woman than a man! So, just in case some of you were wondering, although my writing can be easily applicable to several walks of life, ages, and so on, it is definitely more focused on the woman's side of how to live. I would appreciate that you men read what I am saying and give me feedback on what you can take away as well, as I do believe there are some solid principles underlying the majority of my work.

Today I want to chat with you about bridesmaids. For some of you, you are already married and thus are a bit over the whole ordeal of who to choose, who to let go, and who you want to stand next to you as you marry the love of your life. For me, I was given the opportunity to come to a brutal realization a few months ago that I was not chosen to be next to one of my closest friends. This realization hurt, it was more painful I believe because it really put our relationship into perspective. For the last several years it always seemed as though our relationship was rather unbalanced. I would call her for insight, utilize her prayer warrior abilities when coming into new situations, and call upon her when I was unsure of what to do.

The problem was is my phone remained silent. I did not receive phone calls, nor text messages or lengthy e-mails requesting prayer. I never found myself feeling as though our relationship was a mutual blend of reliance upon one another. That definitely became clear when her wedding rolled around in January, and my name was nowhere to be found in the bridal party.

A few evenings ago, I was sitting with some girlfriends chatting over lemon pepper chicken and diced potatoes, and I made a funny comment that has stuck with me ever since. These lovely women have just stepped foot into my life this year. I have appreciated them so much in learning more and more about myself and feeling held accountable to the progress I am making in my journey with the Lord. As we were chatting, one of the women claimed that she enjoyed our coming together, and I jokingly said, "You two are definitely bridesmaids material" or something to that extent.

Later on, after the dishes had been done and the girls had gone home, I sat in the living room and pondered what I had said. I believe that just as some women have this innate desire to be married to the man of their dreams one day, they also have this incredible passion for finding women to support them in doing so. My first year at Biola was spent doing just that. I had a scrapbook mentality in finding women who would complete the idealistic group of individuals who I wanted to spend every Saturday night going out with, every Sunday morning praying with, and every holiday sharing gifts with. I wanted a group of inseparable girlfriends.

I wanted to be able to step foot into a relationship one day with a man, knowing that I had at least a group of three to five women supporting me and holding me accountable through that relationship. I even made a claim a few years ago that I would avoid the dating scene altogether until I had done so. Well, here I am heading into my senior year here at Biola, and the closest thing I had to my dream was let go a few months ago when I chose to study abroad rather than stay in California.

It is so interesting to me that we go through areas of life where God brings in different individuals to join us in our efforts of following His plan. We may not always find those friends that last for lifetimes, but there is something bittersweet in finding the ones that partake in certain areas, where there appearance was or is definitely necessary. I was spoiled in finding a friend who I consider to be one of my best two years ago. She lives in an entirely different state than me, and yet we both seem to somehow make it work. She knows my heart, and my struggles. She isn't afraid to suggest guidance and counsel, or remain silent when nothing is to be said. From her, I learned that perhaps I've been looking for the wrong things when approaching my "bridesmaid" friends.

It is silly, but I am being honest with you when I say that I still somewhat cling to that mentality, that one day I will be able to stand before my friends and family not only with the man I am committing myself to by my side, but also the women affirming and holding me to that commitment on my other. I've started to recognize that my idealistic view of what a quality group of girlfriends looks like has changed. I no longer find someone just to attend soccer games with, or share a pint of Ben and Jerry's when I've watched one episode of the Bachelor too many, but someone who can also point and direct me to Christ on a daily basis, even through the blubbering nonsense and spoonfuls of New York Super Fudge Chunk!

I would challenge you to recognize what blessings God has brought into your life as friends. It may not look like how you pictured it, I know mine definitely don't. It is when we forget to recognize what we do have that Satan begins to pester us on what we don't. It is when we forget to be a friend when we start to lose those closest to us. It is when our motivation is impure that manipulation begins to creep into our relationships. Keep in mind that God knows exactly what you need in each moment.

Two summers ago when I was guiding I was faced with a similar scenario to depict this idea of friendships. My campers and I had already had a rather exhausting week, and as we headed into the most intimidating rapid on the river, my heart sank. I knew that my line was completely wrong and suddenly I felt my boat being pulled into a dangerous position. One of the girls in front of me started to fall out, and in grabbing her I lost my own balance and ended up overboard within seconds! I quickly realized that my girls were now going downriver alone, and that in sheer panic they all began frantically paddling, causing them to do circles. From the shore, another guide began hollering orders at my boat. The girls, after a few moments of shrieks and gasps, finally paid attention and got themselves over to the edge.

When I reached them, they were all so proud of getting through the situation without their guide. When I got back into the boat we talked about why they felt so confidence once they realized they could do it. They shared with me that it was because of the woman who had called to them from the shore. They trusted her, because she knew what she was doing and her commands were identical to what I had been calling out all day. It was familiar, and even though it wasn't necessarily mine, they knew that they could get back to safety. I told the girls that sometimes in life this is where friendships are the most crucial. We may be going through some pretty scary situations in which we don't feel like we can always hear God, or His commands. The girl knew the actions, they had the training and knew how to move the boat, it was the direction that they lacked. Sometimes God blesses us with utilizing relationships in our lives to keep us on track. We may not always hear what He has to say but we can trust those who are obviously living in line with Him to direct us towards His voice.

I have been so thankful for the solid relationships I have built over these last years. In coming back to school I've had to let go of several friendships that I truly cherished last year. The problem is that we all change, and sometimes friendships may be appropriate for one season, but not another. I would challenge you to remember that there should be discernment in selecting those closest to you. I'm not saying that you have to reject everyone around you who doesn't fit what you are looking for in a close friend. I am merely suggesting that you take into account that who you surround yourself with heavily influences you.

It is no longer about finding women to just stand by me on my wedding day. It is about finding those that direct back towards Christ each step of the way, with our without a marriage and with or without their name on a wedding program to feel affirmed in it. In the same way, I have recently started challenging myself on the friend that I want to be. We have heard this lesson several times before, and even writing it now I can honestly say I'm a tad bit desensitized to its impact. I'd challenge you to move past the simpleness of it and find the truth. Seek those that will hold you to who He has made you to be. Women seek women. In the next section I will be talking about male friendships. While it is so good to have brothers in Christ who you fellowship with, please know that there is nothing better than surrounding yourself with women who support you. You don't have to let go of those friendships once you marry as well. Keep that in mind :)

Blessings,

Kendra