Genuinely, this always happens when the Lord has put something on my heart to share but I'm wrestling with my own fears of sharing it too much to do so. So here it goes...the root of what I was trying to get at last night unveiled...
Have you ever done the team building initiative known as "Numbers"? It is pretty easy. You get a group of people and have them form two circles. The first circle faces outward inside the second circle. The second circle faces inward, and you want to have enough people so that it evenly pairs off between the two circles. Here is how it works...someone outside of the two circles tells both circles to move, the inward going counter-clockwise, and the outer moving clockwise. When the person yells, "Stop!" The circles stop moving, and each person should now be facing another person from the different circle. The leader will then ask the pair to face back to back and on the count of three they will have 3 options.
1. They can extend their hand for a handshake.
2. They can turn their to their side for a side-hug.
3. They can open their arms for a bear hug.
The catch is that you will have to submit to the lowest amount of physical contact suggested. So, if my partner extend their hand for a handshake, but I have my arms open for a hug, we will shake hands, given that it is what is most comfortable. The goal of the game is to learn where people are in regards to their physical boundaries.
I'll be honest, I am a pretty open person, and physical touch is one of my favorite ways to share how much I care for someone, so I don't have a problem opening my arms to hug each time. The embarrassing part, is when I come to someone who doesn't know me really well, or perhaps does, but finds a handshake more comfortable. You are then left awkwardly standing there, having to submit to the lower amount.
No one really taught me how to date well. Praise God that I have had so many experiences of what not to do, as well as examples such as friends, family, and especially my parents to reveal to me what working relationships do look like. The thing that I am finding most hard though, is that as much as you may know what love looks like, or believe that you have a good understanding of being in it, for those of us not so sure we fully "get it", it can be a rather scary thing.
Love...love...love. It is all about love. I looked up youtube after youtube last night trying to find what the experts were sharing on the topic, but came up empty handed. Christian pastors shared that you know you are in love when you truly care for the other person, and are willing to sacrifice for them in response to what you are feeling. Other experts explained that it is a feeling like no other, that you get goosebumps and your heart feels like it is going to explode...but that "when you know you know".
Here is my dilemma. I entirely agree that when you know you are in love you are in love, and I'm not about to give you any hint as to where I am at in that process, given the only person getting a ticket to that parade is the one and only Charles Shea Vollstead, but I think more than simply focusing on what love is, I've started to really become fearful of standing there at the end of the day with my arms wide open and being given a hand in return.
It isn't like I'm experiencing problems in my relationship at all, but I have this unnerving insecurity from past experiences that I can't fully fall into love without some serious armor protecting me. I think it is kind of like when you know a task is going to require time, effort, and take great lengths to see any form of result. Often times those type of tasks give us the justification of checking out altogether, even before we begin.
I just feel like I look at the reality that someone could actually feel the exact same way I do at all times as rather imaginary or nonexistent. Obviously, you are probably thinking, that doesn't really happen. I guess it is just one of those things as though you know when you know and he knows when he knows and by the time one of you shares your heart the other one naturally falls into place. But banking on the fact that someone is tracking right along with me in the falling process is rather intimidating. I don't want to just assume that they are going to be there at the end of the race to congratulate me, I want to know they have been running alongside me the whole time.
It is scary to think that you may not always know where the other person is at.
That, my wonderful friends, is where the power of trust comes in. Last night I was beautifully reminded that these fears are remnants of the experiences that have happened in my life, not linked to the relationship I have now at all. I think sometimes we forget that. You have to be willing to discern between the two in order to let go of those insecurities as well.
Shea has never proven that he wasn't right next to me as we figure life out each day together. Those fears are what can give the enemy a strong foothold to talk me out of relationship in the first place...much like he has before. See, I was reminded that first and foremost I need to be falling for the Lord, and as I fall for Shea in the process of that, it doesn't mean that I need to rush the process to get to the end all result before either one of us are ready.
It also doesn't mean that I am ever going to say something that I don't fully mean just to hear where the other person is at...and sadly this comes to the point of this blog in the first place.
Friends, women especially, please trust me as I share that I can assume and give the benefit of the doubt that you would NEVER do this. But please DON'T say that you are in love, try to convince yourself you are in love, or simply "test" that you are in love by claiming it to the person you are with just to get a read on where they are in the process.
I have seen this sad reality ruin more than a dozen relationships in my life.
Women get consumed with wanting to hear those three beautiful words so much so that they end up "getting it out of" the person they are with in more ways than one. Guys are often told that they have this way of utilizing the love word to convince women into bed with them. Well girls, I don't think we get off scot free here for being the victim all the time. I think similarly we can use the love word to get someone to stay with us, or convince them that even if they had hesitation, they really do love us too.
I just don't want to fall in love knowing that the basis of someone else feeling the same is because I have convinced them to do so. Christ doesn't even sink to the level of stealing our hearts and making them His. Instead, He allows us to call upon Him, even though He has every right of doing so. So I am not about to try and do something the Lord refrains from on a daily basis, just because I need the affirmation that I am loved too. Instead, I can find peace and rest in knowing that I am falling, AND THAT IS FINE WITH ME.
Falling suggest that you are going to be caught someday, somehow, and someway. It doesn't give you a timeline, or a destination, or even an ending point. It is the state of falling, and therefore the end isn't necessarily even an end at all. I fall more and more in love with the Lord everyday, and if that is anything like falling in love with someone, I can find trust in knowing that I don't have to convince them to do the same for me.
I've always told you to enjoy the process, but now I am going to tell you that I have no idea what that may look like in regards to this one. I don't know if there are rules on saying, "I love you." first or second. I don't know if you should share your feeling of being in love if you don't know if you are there or not. I also don't know if you should just say, "I love you too." because it is expected of you.
Instead of trying to answer all of those questions, or drive myself crazy overanalyzing every possibility in getting to the same result, I will share with you this. I promise you that when two people are in love, and decide to share it with one another, they aren't focused on the details of how and when and where. It is the why.
As much as we shouldn't be fearful of falling, we should also understand that when we are in love, it is okay to admit it, to find the beauty of being real and true to it. We shouldn't try and manipulate someone else to saying it first, or even saying it at all. Instead, we should be concerned with our hearts in the process. You see, I have full faith that the men you are pursuing are those that would be running alongside you the entire way, even if they don't share it everyday with you. I would hope that you wouldn't find someone who just wants to say it to use it against you in getting something he wants. The truth is that if you are pursuing someone who is a true man of God, or a man at all, he will be one that assures you in his actions that you are loved, and follow with falling in love all the same.
So this blog is definitely one of my more not so well-written beautiful pieces of art. It is honestly just something that has really been on my head and my heart lately. I just don't want to see love turn into a saying. Three words do mean a lot, BUT what they mean and how they are lived out means a whole lot more.
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