When it rains, it pours.

Listening to the sound of rain hit the roof above me, I’m reminded that sometimes amidst the downpours of life, there is still something comforting of hearing the rain. For me, rain doesn’t necessarily mark a time of pain or hurt, but rather one of learning. I’ve learned a lot these last few years, and yesterday marked a day of affirmation in just how far I’ve come.

God pursues me. For two years I waited around for someone. I speak to women all the time about false hope and unrealistic expectation, when my life was a solid representation of why it doesn’t work. I didn’t expect, but I did hope. I hoped that in some way the friendship I was building would in turn give me a chance to let go of any romantic attachment. I prayed that it would remain exactly that…a friendship, and that my heart would be fully restored in Christ for the emotional turmoil that waiting for someone can bring. I didn’t cry all the time if that is what you are thinking, but I did compare.

I compared men coming in and out of my life to that individual. My perspective of them became jaded, and I started playing mind games over whether or not they would be a good fit, based off of the qualities I wanted them to have that I saw in this man. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair to myself or to the men pursuing me, and to finally know for the final and last time yesterday that my waiting had come to an end was beautifully refreshing.

The rain brings comfort to me because it reminds me of the release of something. Rain is carried to a point of overflow, and then it downpours. I was carrying something with me for a long time. What I considered waiting many of you could deem as a defense mechanism. My emotions were preoccupied with someone else so I justified remaining single through that time by not being able to give my whole self to someone. That goes against my idea of dating.

I don’t think dating is about giving your whole self to someone. I don’t think dating is about giving anything at all. I came to a harsh realization this weekend that dating in Christian culture is almost impossible. Yes it can work and many of you can prove me wrong, but I’ll keep it to my own experience and opinion. In my life, I’ve seen men pursue me and turn dating into a one-way ticket to marriage. It is as though there is no such thing as dating anymore, but rather “relationshipping”.

I get sick of playing “married”. I don’t want to become attached to an individual only for the purpose of throwing my entire future into their plan within our first meeting. I see that happen a lot these days. Yes, if you find the right one and are committed to one another that decision becomes a bit trickier to make, but in dating, I don’t think those conversations should be a determining factor of getting to know someone.

Too often the seriousness of dating in Christian culture scares me away from even considering it. What is dating anyway? In my opinion, I thought dating was going out one-on-one with someone to get to know them and learn what qualities I found that I would like to see in my future spouse. I never thought it was to make the other person my future spouse, at least not in the strictly dating side of it. A relationship to me was the next step. I thought relationships were committed decisions to move beyond dating into a more exclusive and intentional getting to know the individual for the purpose of marriage. That to me was relationship.

I feel like I’ve been wrong or the marketed dating I see around me is just opposite of what I thought. The line between dating and relationshipping has faded. You can no longer be taken out by someone just to get to know them without forming some sort of emotional commitment to them, even if you’ve never discussed being exclusive. Christian culture deems those that are being pursued by multiple people as an emotional whore or slut, and those pursuing more than one individual as players or tools, no matter what boundaries are in place. I used to not understand why “Biola dating” was such a key way of how relationships were coming about, but now I get it.

Biola dating is the solution to overcoming relationshipping. Rather than date at all, individuals become friends with who they want to be in a relationship with, spend time together and then one day decide to make it “Facebook official”. I thought that was ridiculous, and gave no room to test drive the car before jumping right into a lease. Then I realized that it is an ingenious way of skipping the process of pursuing so that there isn’t that complication or confusion of others stepping in on their territory. It keeps things “casual” and then moves drastically into “serious”. There is no in between.

Why have we become so afraid of the in between? Outside of waiting for that individual specifically, I also chose to wait for dating until college. I thought it would be different once I reached an older age but the truth is Biola dating is just the same as high school flings, if not worse. Yet it works out for many people, I just don’t think I will be able to be one of them.

Some may think my opinion of dating is also a bit tweaked because of the environment I live in. They claim that it is just at Biola, or any other Christian campus, but outside of that things are different. Yes things are different, but I’m afraid that the Christian college mindset on dating extends beyond campuses. The majority of college aged Christians attending church in my area are also from Biola. That way of dating has thus created about a ten-mile radius of making its way into being the “better” approach.

This then calls into account my feelings on being pursued at all. In figuring out what I want these days, I think it is just simply to be asked to get to know more in a dating situation such as dinner or walking downtown. I’d rather have someone call a date as what it is, so that I understand they are using the experience as learning what qualities they find attractive and if we both find that in each other continuing to date, while keeping boundaries up, to figure out if it is something worth checking into.

Surprise dates are not my favorite. A few times in my life a guy has asked me to “hang out”. We go to coffee or to lunch and about midway through they hit me with a, “So where do you think we are going?” My response usually is along the lines of, “Back to school?” I never really understood the blind sight approach to dating someone.

Here is a hint for the guys: you have a better chance of straight up just asking the girl on a date in the first place, if you get rejected you can save the cash and the awkwardness of her telling you in a public setting.

So then, what boundaries need to be in place during this process? I wish I could tell you I knew, but honestly I’m learning right there with you.

I used to hate when authors would premise a book with that.

“I know what you are going through…”

I hated that, I felt that if they didn’t know for certain the advice they were giving me, then why in the world would they share it in the first place? I don’t want them to be learning with me, I want them to be teaching me.

Recently I started to struggle with the experience side of my work. No one wants to read about being married from someone who has never been asked out. Similarly, no one wants to read about relationships from someone who has never had one.

That is why I try and stick to being single, and not celibacy. One of my professors shared with me this morning that he doesn’t think I’m called to celibacy, but that I am addressing the issues that are presented to a woman who is single, but may not always be single. That is exactly what I’m trying to do with my book.

How then do you interact with men you find attractive? If you aren’t committed to a relationship with someone is it acceptable to allow more than one man to pursue you? Should you refrain from the dating scene altogether until you know for certain the answers to such questions?

I am learning alongside you. Not to say that my words aren’t valuable, but the point of this blog is to work through several of the issues I’m trying to address. In opening myself up to even writing about them, God has already been giving me several opportunities to put into practice what I am writing. The boundaries I’m encouraging women to find in themselves isn’t so that they can find a man as a result, but it is a way to protect themselves in order to live with the desire of wanting a relationship and being able to one day have one, but respecting themselves and men in the process.

It should also encourage the woman that may not end up having a relationship one day to living a life that is fulfilling and full of integrity. By taking into account her actions and the situations she is placing herself in, she is open to the clarity of being used by her Creator, not just to one day give herself to someone fully (although that is a huge plus for those that do end up in relationship).

A Kitchen Timer

My grandma used to own a small white kitchen timer that would hang on her fridge. One of my favorite sounds as a kid was to hear the timer go off, knowing I was just moment away from enjoying some delightful treat! It was almost like I had become one of Pavlov’s dogs, because each time I would hear the first ding, my mouth would water in anticipation.

When I was in New Zealand we had a similar way of notifying the convent that supper was on the table. We would ring a small bell that signaled the feast was ready to enjoy. For weeks after, when I returned home, meals would just be handed to me and there was no anticipation factor. It just wasn’t really the same.

There is something to be said about expecting what is to come after the first signal. If I were to ring a bell now, with those same individuals from New Zealand, they most likely wouldn’t expect a meal in return, but their memory would trigger an anticipation and reminiscing of the several meals once associated with that sound. Individuals that expect are often first taught what to expect. The thing is that food is something our body needs, we have had it from when we first came into this world, so salivating comes naturally when trained to expect it.

Similarly, the body has a sexual drive. Given the right signal, parts within the body start to come into play, expecting the follow through. This next topic gets a bit uncomfortable to discuss, but I think it is necessary in holding yourself accountable and becoming aware of what signals you are giving.

I get so frustrated when women come to me upset about how they have been taken advantage of, later on revealing that perhaps it was them who suggested the idea in the first place. Yes, I do agree that abuse happens (as it was done to me as well), but sometimes I have to call into play the events leading up to the initial taking advantage of. For many women, they want a man who will be self-controlled. They want someone who will tell them to stop, or not even put them in situations where anything will be compromised. I just want to say before we get into this, that it is that kind of thinking that can end up being detrimental to a relationship or pursuing of someone else.

If you find someone who you are interested in getting to know, it is only natural to assume that there will be some physical attraction accompanied by the interest. Finding someone who doesn’t want to be intimate with you on any level could potentially lead to a sexually distant partner in the future. This is the fragile and almost impossible aspect of finding a respectful man. If I find someone who doesn’t want to even kiss me until our wedding day, that doesn’t necessarily mean that he doesn’t want to, it could just be the boundary he has chosen to follow. While I, on the other hand, haven’t chosen that boundary in my own life I need to be aware that him not doing something may not signal that he is disinterested. This is where honesty comes into play. I think sometimes we are so concerned with how not to have sexual intimacy, or physical intimacy for that matter, that we fail to discuss the reasoning behind our actions, leading to complication and misunderstanding.

I think we have to be willing to talk about where we are at, especially in being pursued by someone. Talking can be one of the biggest lifesavers in not pushing you beyond your boundaries, on both sides of the relationship.

I just watched a reality TV show awhile back where the woman told the man on the show that she didn’t want him to kiss her and then preceded to kiss his neck, cheek, and so on. Mixed signals are also one of the biggest dangers to sticking to your boundaries. If we set the timer off, and fail to follow through with what is expected, we often are either forced to fulfill the expectation regardless, or end up compromising our morals out of guilt for not following through. It also would then be reasonable to believe that we can’t set the timer off and be offended at the expectation on the other end. We know what is expected once physical intimacy begins. It doesn’t matter your religion, nor your walk in life, if you choose to begin the process of sex and fail to fulfill it, there is not only disappointment that will result but also confusion, anger, frustration which can lead to abuse.

This then becomes one of the biggest justification factors women have in being taken advantage of, or being victimized by having their boundaries crossed. They throw all the blame on the men, when they initiated the signal, or said they didn’t want something but failed to reveal it in their actions. How then, can we begin to remedy the situation before it reaches that point? We have to first understand how and when our own timer is set off. For me, when someone starts to cuddle with me my timer goes off, and I am expecting to reach a point of fulfillment. My stopping point ends when my neck is kissed. As a fourteen year old, I was taught that a man could kiss my neck but the fact that I hadn’t been “actually kissed” would keep my integrity in tact. Once this point is reached, I stop and also stop whatever I’ve started in the other person.

Thankfully, I’ve met several men who are “okay” with that stopping point, or at least have to deal with it being over. For others, if two stopping points don’t match up, it can end in abused intimacy. When I was seventeen I was taken on a date by a guy named Sean. Sean was one of the most attractive men I had, and even to this day have ever met. His features were handsome, he had dark brown hair, tan skin, and baby blue eyes. His six pack and chiseled figure was hard to ignore. We went out for coffee and somehow ended up at a parking lot next to the local park.

My heart raced as he introduced me to the concept of Christian hook-up buddies, or what I like to call “frick buddies” (a.k.a. sexually promiscuous buddies, minus the sex), seeing as how Christian cursing is sweeping the nation these days. He took me into the back of his car and started to kiss my neck, as he made his way past any boundaries I had even yet to think about, I started to realize that my views were no longer black and white. I had never thought about anything past kissing my neck before, and thus had no idea of what to or not to do. This is also an issue that can come into play when new territories are reached. I had to learn the hard way that I needed to think about all aspects of physical intimacy, including things that I wasn’t taught about in school or at church. We all know that in Christian culture, sex is bad until marriage, but what about everything leading up to it?

For many, even touching the opposite sex sparks feelings, emotions, and choices that shouldn’t take place so they refrain by not even kissing until the alter. For others, kissing to a certain extent is acceptable. Like I said, this is an issue that isn’t necessarily black and white, although many claim that it is. Here is my take on it, without getting into the brutal imagery of the whole thing. I think that it goes back to the timer. Why would I want to start up something I can’t follow through? Biologically speaking, the sexual process within a man and woman is highly intricate, performing in a way that expects the follow through. Making a man reach the point of having to follow through himself is just as bad, in my opinion, as fulfilling it for him.

Also, the start-up can happen for guys in several different ways. Many women would believe that oral or hand contact isn’t necessarily sex, but if it puts into process all of the aspects of sex and fulfills it with another part of the body, wouldn’t that in turn be the same thing? I’m not saying this for conviction or to bring you to a point of self pity or hate, I’m just suggesting that we have to get out of thinking about sex as the act by itself, especially in becoming aware of the signals we are giving. Save yourself from what can happen later on by learning your trigger now. Some of you may think that you have to learn your trigger by experience, but I’d ask you to pull from what you already know about yourself. What thoughts or visual stimulants begin the process in you? Is it watching someone kiss? Or is it even knowing that you already are rather physical, and thus having to refrain from cuddling situations altogether like me?

Here is a side note as well: When I go out dancing, I choose to not inappropriately dance on someone. I love going out and just acting like the ridiculous dork that I am, whether I am fake popping or pretending I’m the best hip hop dancer there is. Whatever it may be, I walk into the dance floor knowing that I can’t put myself in a physically intimate situation. I personally don’t seem to get a fill from dancing with someone else, but I’m pretty good at ensuring that his timer is going off. While that may sound arrogant, it is just fact. Any woman who throws herself on a man while dancing can learn how to be good at it, it doesn’t take much skill, although some men may disagree. The truth is that I’d way rather have fun dancing with someone, which I think needs to be restored to understanding that you don’t have to be grinding on them to be with them. Once again, if one part of your body is fulfilling the role of what another would during intercourse, in my opinion that is sex.

So where is the line between expressing how you feel about someone physically and going too far. Well, as a single woman I don’t really know where that line is within a relationship. For me, I have chosen to not set off timers that I want nothing to do with, especially after being a tease for so many years. So does that mean I can set off the ones I actually care about? Honestly, I don’t think it is appropriate to be initiating any form of physical intimacy with someone that you aren’t committed to. I like to personally hold hands as a way to reflect to someone that I’m enjoying being with them and want to show it in a physical way. That is my personal reflection of it. For some, that may look like kissing, others it may be taken to making out. Some would say my handholding is going too far even. It is finding what you are comfortable with, without losing a part of yourself in the process.

If I never saw a man after holding his hand, I personally wouldn’t see the harm in him taking a part of me with him. If he was someone who I knew would see hand holding as serious commitment, I probably wouldn’t hold his hand only to avoid him losing a part of himself with me. This goes back to talking through the areas of physical intimacy with who you are getting to know. Kissing to me is something rather special, so I don’t think I could say that walking away from kissing someone for a period of time would leave me just as I was, they would probably have a lot more than a physically intimate part of me, but also an emotional attachment as well.

I would challenge you to take a look at your outward expressions of the boundaries you have set. Are you giving off the vibe that you won’t reach a certain point with someone? Have you even considered what point you will reach? It is by asking the hard questions that we can start to have clarity in what we are looking for out of a relationship. For single women, it is important to keep in mind that we also will interact with men who we aren’t committed to. I’ve seen one of my closest friends encouraged to express her sexuality by finding men to fool around with now, so she will be more experienced for her future, or at least “get it out of her system”. Please, whatever you choose to do, know that this mentality is what drives so many women to disappointment and insecurity. Is it better to respect the men you do interact with now and one day fully invest in one individual so you have full appreciation for the physical intimacy you do have? Or would you rather spread yourself around and experience different situations to realize that you fully appreciate the physical intimacy you one day may have?

For me, I can’t play that game. I can’t assume that by getting to see what is out there I’ll have a better idea of what I want physically. I’d rather devote myself to giving that to one man, and hopefully in that respect believing that it is even more intimate because he is the only one I’ve experienced it with. I could be in for a rather rude reality check when I realize that this side of thinking may result in another kind of disappointment. I’ve had a few friends that have gotten married over the years and shared with me the immense pressure put on waiting until they were married. The first night together wasn’t blissful and heavenly, but awkward and uncomfortable. One friend even claimed that her and her husband rarely had sex because she felt so ashamed, even though she had waited.

I can’t tell you how to fix that. I can’t even give you hope that it isn’t true, because I obviously have never been there, but I can encourage you that if you don’t expect a blissful and heavenly performance, but rather a blissful and heavenly love you may be on a better track. I don’t expect that by saving myself for someone I am guaranteed the best that is out there, but I am guaranteed the fact that he will know that I have only partaken in the act with him and him alone. I will love him, and my love will be expressed to him and only him in such an intimate way. So although the act itself may bring with it struggles of the unknown, I at least have certainty that the love and choice to wait will remain special to both of us.

Notice how I said my choice to wait, and not ours. Early on I suggested that we have to be open to the fact that the one we get to be with may not be physically where we are. I’ve experienced a few things on the scale of sexual intimacy in my life, and I’m not about to think that whomever I end up with will be right alongside me. He may have experienced far more, or far less, it is the expecting that they will be less that I fear pushes so many individuals to placing pressure on one another resulting to breaking up in the future. I think some of the expectancy stems from the insecurity that if we are with someone who has experienced more, they may think that we aren’t good enough at something. If you are with someone who makes you feel that way, get out of the relationship. If that however is a part of your own insecurity, not enforced by your partner, be sure to differentiate it.

My hope is that one day I will be with a man who doesn’t make me feel inadequate, but views our intimacy on another wavelength, being entirely different from any he may have experienced before me. I’d like to be taken as an individual, and not a competition in trying to go against what he has had outside of our relationship. This doesn’t change my opinion on waiting though because it encourages me that it is something I can give him, even if I don’t receive it in return. I believe that experiences in life shouldn’t be taken with you in mind if you didn’t even know them. Yes, for many people they go with the idea that every choice you make should be with your future spouse in mind, that is proactive and I believe it is solid. I am going on the other side of it after you have experienced something that will affect your relationship with your partner in the future.

It hurts my heart when I see people get offended at their boyfriend or girlfriends acts prior their relationship. I have even seen some women take it personally. The problem with that thinking is that it doesn’t allow grace. It makes the person who has already felt the guilt and shame and even work through of something experience it all over again. Whomever I end up with will have to deal with what I have been through, which inevitably has made me the woman he has fallen for in the first place. That doesn’t give me a “get out of jail free” card to do what I want now with no responsibility. It does however make me put into check what I am doing because of the experiences I’ve had, and that is where the whole boundary concept comes into play.

The last piece of advice I have for you is to trust. If you are with someone now who has been through far more than you or vice versa, trust that the love you have will go beyond those insecurities. If you have experienced things in your life to this point and feel as though you could never regain a positive experience of intimacy, trust that by learning from your experiences and growing through them you will be able to move beyond them. Lastly, know yourself. If there is one thing you walk away from this book with, it is to become aware of your actions and ensuring that you are accountable to whatever timer may be set off as a result.

You get what you deserve.

Hey guys, sorry it has been a few days. I am currently working through via word document how to approach this next issue in the pattern of false intimacy. It just seems like the words are all coming so fast that it is this mumbo jumbo of me trying to get my points across, but also blurring it altogether. While I want to give you the harsh, rough draft versions of my work, they need to also be understandable for me to consider posting them on here.

I want to thank you for all of the solid input and encouragement I've been receiving.

So while we wait a few days for me to gather my thoughts on physical intimacy, I'd like to present you with another topic to keep give your brain a little testing:

Why do we seem to constantly fall under the idea that we deserve the best out of our dating situations?

In discussing a past fling with a friend, I once stated, "Well, I just deserve better than blank blank." It made me think that I had some sort of right to believe that I deserved the best.

While I don't think it is bad to reach for the best in the dating world, I get nervous when I hear women comforting other women (I don't really know how you guys do it) and saying, "Oh honey, you deserve so much better!"

I think that I use the word (in and outside of the dating realm) in comforting those that have been hurt by others. "You didn't deserve that!"

But, if we are all undeserving of the grace that we are blessed with by Christ (for those of you believing in it), then wouldn't that also suggest that we deserve nothing? This isn't to say that we should go through relationships and be treated poorly but stick it out because we aren't deserving of anything. I'm not taking it to that extreme. I'm just curious as to where your beliefs lie in relation to that term, "deserve".

I honestly have gone back in forth for the past 24 hours debating my take on the whole thing.

Please, help me come to some conclusion!

To be clear or not to be clear...

That is the question.

Tonight I came across an article that stated, "Singleness is a time in which a woman is to cultivate the virtues that pertain to being a woman of God, so that she can offer to her future husband and the world something more than just a pretty face."

Dear friends, please hear me out.

Right after that the writer claims, "Remember in your singleness that you are not the only one single, but your future husband is passing through the same stage as you."

There is so much wrong with this concept that my jaw almost came unhinged at reading through it!

First off, women please never view marriage as a guarantee, or a promise, or something to fight for in your life.

This thinking may be good in "embracing your desire for relationship" (as the author suggests), but please know that viewing marriage as a goal and not fulfilling it with take you down one of two roads: 1. You will dread your single life for good. or 2. You will settle for someone to fill the void (or something) and be even more dissatisfied in the long run.

There is no good way to make myself clear without coming off as someone who doesn't believe in love or marriage.

You see, I WANT marriage someday. I DO, but going back to my previous blog about the penny, my goal isn't that my marriage will be the basis for my fulfilling life. I simply want my marriage (if I do get married) to be apart of my fulfilling life, not the reason my life is fulfilling.

So I understand if at this point you are going to pair me along with Paul (not in the spiritual way of course) in the sense that being single is the better way to go. I'm not saying that, but I'm not really saying that it isn't the way to go either. Confusing? No, I like to view it as open. I don't want to see this time in my life as a waiting period for something bigger and better in the future.

Plus, could you imagine the incredible amount of pressure that puts on the man who does pursue me? I can just picture it, "Thanks for asking me out honey, I just want you to understand that I've waited for you for the past 21 years, so this better be good." First off, that man now has no chance of meeting my expectations, nor do I have a chance of taking our relationship as it comes, rather than throwing a bunch of predetermined requirements on it. How many of you have that list that you were told to make in middle school of the man you want to marry?

I don't think that is always a bad thing. One of my friends told me that the man she is now engaged to met every single number on that list. I think it is good to have a picture of what you want, but please I beg of you pray for discernment in creating that list. I remember having to do a project in my Health and Wellness class Freshmen year, making my own list.

I'm pretty sure my favorites on the list were, "Has to buy me and Alaskan Husky." and "Must like fun dip sugar because I only like the stick part and can't waste the money." Girls, please do yourselves a favor and stop putting ridiculous expectations on the boys trying to gain your attention. I'm not going to tell you what to look for just yet, but I really do encourage you to go back to those lists, and think about what you are looking for.

Now that THAT tangent is over, back to the article. Whoever told women that this time (being single) in their life is so that they can become what they are looking for (the list tangent) should be seriously talked to. It is a great hope to give women the idealistic dream that if they just make themselves better, they will be blessed with a boyfriend. I think it is actually rather rude and a bit selfish.

Later on the writer states, "Could it be (being single) that God extend our time of singleness so that we might find our life in Him and learn to be complete in Him?"

I by no means agree with that point.

It gives women the idea that being single is a punishment, and when we are to a point of being "good enough" in God's eyes, He will bless us with a husband.

Ladies, stop focusing on the objective of finding someone and instead focus on the beauty of the life God has blessed you with, with or without a man.

The early statement about your future husband being in the same point in his life is complete junk. Please don't assume that Mr. Right is out there waiting for you at this current moment, just waiting until YOU are spiritually ready and God gives the okay.

That idea makes God out to look like He gives us good things when we do good. If you really think that you will never see your spiritual growth as drawing you nearer HIM, but drawing you nearer to your future husband which will not end well.

Also, thinking that your future one is out there waiting will hurt you in having false expectations of where he may be. You don't know the physical, emotional, and relational attachments he has had in his life, just like he doesn't know yours as well. Thinking that when you two meet you will both have just been sitting around waiting for each other is somewhat unrealistic.

Many of you who are waiting may hate me right now, and I'm not about to throw it down for being a realistic bigot.

I am just trying to get across the point that you shouldn't be WAITING FOR HIM. You should be driving into God to the point where waiting isn't something you should do or a discipline, it is just apart of who you are. What does that mean?

That means that there is no expectation that at the end of your "waiting" you will get something, but that if you dive into your relationship with God and one day you meet someone, it won't be a trade off, but an opportunity to join someone else's diving in. That to me is relationship.

Lastly, if I haven't offended you already, I want you to remember that physically waiting (which we will get to tomorrow) is awesome, and that my telling you he or she isn't waiting right now isn't to make you run out and find someone to break that patience with. I am just saying that if you want him to be open to God's work through you, physical past and all, please don't assume that he's never been physically or emotionally intimate with someone else.

It will hurt you so much more if you allow that expectation to be in place before you even meet him. Especially when you view your waiting as means for him to have been pure. Life doesn't really work that way, nor does God. Instead, be open to the fact that God can USE life experience to bring you to a better understanding of one another, and to show grace to each other with the lives you have had before meeting.

Obviously this article left me a little bitter, and I don't mean to come off harsh, just open. You can disagree with one to all of my points, but I do want to say that if you enjoy your life now, there really isn't much that you can be disappointed in later. The joy that I'm talking about stems from a deep, solid relationship with Christ, and not for any other purpose then to simply love Him. (The right "him"!) :)

Sleep tight!

Mr. Spirituality

A few years ago I was working at a camp up in Washington. On my first day I met a boy named Jake. Jake was one of the cutest boys at camp, with his side swooped Justin Bieber haircut to his naturally flirtatious personally, what was I supposed to do? Jake pulled me aside in the first week, recognizing our natural attraction for one another and explained to me that he was interested but didn’t know what to do with his feelings.

There was a strict no dating policy at the camp and I knew at that moment the thought of us being together would now be gradually pervasive to my thought life all summer, regardless of acting on it our not.

(Camp Counseling Side Note: If you meet someone at camp that you are attracted to. Do them a favor and give them the summer to focus on the reason they are there in the first place. If this person is upset with your decision to not recognize your feelings for them, then they aren’t in the right place to be dating anyway. Also, waiting for that person throughout the summer is not the end of the world…3 months people! Plus, a respectful relationship, marked by the commitment to sidestep your emotions and give them the summer to be devoted to their campers is one that will take on a genuinely selfless and a solid foundation. If the man is willing to respect the policy, staff, and spiritual life of the woman and vice-versa, that is something to be seen as true leadership!)

So now I was in the awkward position of knowing that Jake was interested, but having to let it go and pay attention to my work. The summer didn’t end well. I ended up seeing a side of Jake that I absolutely fell for…his spiritual maturity. He had this ability to plug in with his campers on a deep level. He always had his face glued to his Bible, and he never failed to encourage me to find strength in the Lord. However genuine all of this may have been, it doesn’t change the fact that Jake was now crossing into spiritual false intimacy with me.

A few days after our first “DTR”, Jake started asking me to share with him my prayer requests. We would pray for one another weekly and challenge each other in our faith. The next view I have chosen to take in my life I can guarantee several of you will find rather controversial. I don’t believe this was appropriate in our friendship. Yes, I think that praying for a friend is beneficial and a wonderful concept, but I don’t think it is acceptable to be challenging one another in our walks, nor sharing our weaknesses at that point in our relationship.

I don’t think it was acceptable because it began to toy with my mind, emotions, and heart in a way that I never expected. Jake was taking on characteristics of being a spiritual leader in my life, without any form of commitment to one another. That is scary grounds for allowing someone into an aspect of your life that should remain protected for someone who has made known that they will lead you beyond that point in your life.

Jake was a summer fling. Each week when we would talk, it ended with more and more of a spiritual attachment to him. I became unfocused in my faith, my counseling, and my other relationships at camp. You could say that much of this was on account of how weak I was prior to the summer in my faith. You could even say that this idea of putting boundaries in place is only necessary if you are like me, or if you are me. Whatever you may think, I’m telling you that personally, this ruined me and my potential of relationship with Jake in the future.

As I grew throughout the summer, I began linking my spiritual growth to Jake as an individual. When the summer ended, I decided to talk to Jake about where we should go from there. (Relationship side note: If the woman is having to initiate that conversation, something is most likely wrong with where that conversation will go.) I told Jake how I felt, how I really thought this was something that could work, even though we lived a few hours away from one another.

I’ll never forget it. We walked over to an old dance hall. The rain had just started to drizzle and he sat me down, my hands in his. He looked at me and told me that he was so sorry. He just kept repeating it, no explanation. Finally, he explained that he had not only told me that he was interested, but two other girls as well. He played me. He straight up used the word “played” in his explanation, and I was broken. He walked away, me sitting there as it started to pour. One of the most epic but brutally hurtful situations I had experienced up to that point in my life.

Not only did I have to say goodbye to Jake once I left that summer, but I had to say goodbye to a friendship that would never be. Jake and I have seen each other a few times since. We both have apologized for what happened that summer, but those are three months of serious investment I can’t get back.

That lesson taught me that I had to start putting boundaries in place when it comes to my conversations with guys, both friend and relationship wise. I can’t link my spiritual growth to an individual, especially one who isn’t even in a relationship with me. Girls, this is crucial when getting to know someone and putting yourself in a vulnerable situation spiritually. When giving my testimony to mixed gender groups, it sounds a lot different then when talking to women directly. In the same way, with certain topics I tend to even try and remain aware of what I am saying in discussing them.

I don’t think theological conversation is bad, I don’t think that even sharing your story is harmful, but when you are using such things in a way that bonds you through them, that is where I struggle at not creating a more intimate connection. I don’t even have “church dates” with boys, where we go to church together as a date. If I go to church with guys at all, I take communion on my own, and don’t do the whole physical touch and affirmation during prayer or worship thing.

Those are some of my boundaries. I’m not suggesting you have the same, I’m explaining that you should become aware of the spiritually stimulating situations you are placing yourself in. I’ll never forget witnessing one of my friends go to chapel with a guy that she liked. Midway through chapel, during prayer, he grabbed her hand and began praying with her. Afterwards, she came up to me ecstatic, claiming that he was such a spiritual leader! I became a bit nervous that the pattern she was setting now would push what I like to call the “marriage expectation” on him in the future.

Another reason I like to place boundaries in spiritual settings it that I don’t think it is fair to expect men who are interested in me to be my husband. You might thing that sounds crazy, or dumb, or obvious but the sad thing is I find that it is all too common. Women start connecting with men on the spiritual level, and begin reprimanding them for things that are entirely ridiculous at that stage of their relationship. There was a girl once who came to me frustrated that the boy she had just started dating wasn’t leading them in daily devotions. I looked at her and said that I didn’t even think it was my husband’s job to take care of my devotional life. I got a pretty dirty look, but I meant what I said.

The problem is that (which is in my book but far to big and issue to get in via blogspot) I think sometimes women get this idea in their head that “spiritual leader” means “spiritual dominator” which isn’t true. The problem is that I still believe in a dating relationship that you are to completely take care of your own spiritual life as an individual. I don’t think its healthy to dive in spiritually with someone who may end up linking their growth to you (as I did with Jake) and then once your relationship is over miss out on carrying that growth over to the next relationship.

I’d rather enjoy the time I have with the person pursuing me by getting to know him, understanding his views and where he is at in life as well with the Lord, but not having to take on the role of spiritual motivator for someone I’m not committed to. I don’t want to cheat myself out of that experience when it comes time for the right man to encourage and motivate, as well as be motivated by. I think it is alright to pray for one another (I’ve said this already but I want you to understand), but the praying over one another, being in prayer together, that is just something I don’t think needs to happen in a dating relationship, or with a guy friend.

Friends, I’m not trying to say that you should never talk about Christ with someone, and I hope you hear my heart in sharing this opinion with you. I don’t want you to even assume that the boundaries I have in place in my life are what are right. For me, however, I know that I need to put certain limitations in place while I’m being single to remain protected from what happened with Jake. That is me alone. I’m just encouraging you to find what is right for you.

Camp Highs and the Right Guys

Have you ever met someone, heard his or her life story and felt an instant connection? It doesn’t even really matter what you chose to talk about after that, because you have just reached the deepest level your friendship will go right off the bat. Okay, that was a bit facetious, but there it truth to that statement.

When I was in high school I used to play this game with the boys that I liked. It was called “The Question Game”, and I’m about 90% sure that the majority of you know exactly what I’m talking about. It starts out super innocent, with questions like, “What is your favorite color?” or “What are you most afraid of?”. As the game progresses though, things get a little hazier in the appropriate department. Before you know it you are asking questions like, “How far have you gone?” or “What is your darkest secret?”. These questions, along with several others serve primary basis for what I like to call, “false intimacy”.

False intimacy, not a thought I came up with on my own by any means, is kind of like a “camp high” in the real world. Have you ever attended a summer camp? It is as though the directors pack as many possible spiritual motivating discussions, worship nights, and emotionally draining cabin times into a weekend, on top of lack of sleep, sugar rushes, and high tensions all to create this inner feeling of both happiness, exhaustion, and excitement.

The moment you get back from camp all you want to do is go back, especially when you realize that there the similarities between reality and your camp experience are few. There is a strong sense of disappointment even that settles once the realization is made.

In the same way, we can share moments in life: spiritually, emotionally, physically, and situational that push us to creating deep bonds with one another that seem to lack relational depth once the experience settles.

This can be most easily depicted as a truffle. If you jumped right into the truffle, riding it of its chocolaty goodness, you’d be rather disappointed when left with the empty outer shell, wouldn’t you? It wouldn’t be the same as experiencing the truffle as a whole, allowing every taste to be just as fulfilling as the next. Plus, if you eat a truffle in one bite, you aren’t only left with a quick but disappointing ending, but also usually accompanied by a stomachache.

The point is that we are living in a fast paced, get to the point now culture. From technology advances to buying sermons for your iPod, we want to hear the truth as quickly and as to the point as possible. This idea of cheating discovery of another person out by jumping to the best part first, leaves relationships with a overall lack of satisfaction, as well as unrealistic expectations that every moment shared will be just the same.

I’ve seen too many individuals recognize this phenomenon, and actually use it to their advantage. Much like my questions game, I soon realized that (given the right discussion topic) I could make any man become rather interested in what I had to say. I would share my deep, thought-provoking, unique ideas on dating that would leave them thinking that I was not only a great catch, but also that we had a “true connection”. It was bad, it was manipulative, and I’m not happy that I did it, but I’m making the point know that you should know better.

The next few blogs will be spent breaking down the practical side of what this looks like in our daily lives. On our Christian college campuses especially (not that isn’t generationally relevant), I see too many people jump into these situations. It especially irks me when women come to me and ask why so and so likes them, when it is a direct result from this sort of thing. I’m not saying that sharing impacting life together is bad, but in regards to being single especially, I believe that appropriate boundaries are necessary. Not only in saving yourself from a potential leading on of someone else, but also in protecting your heart in the process from the “camp high”.

Why I want to do this.