Hero vs. Hearer

Communication, communication, communication. THAT is the key to any successful relationship I've ever come across. Hidden motivations, expectations, and beliefs are some of the most detrimental enemies to battle along the process of learning how to communicate well. A few summers ago I was guiding a trip down the Deschutes River in Oregon. One of my riders was a foreign exchange student from Spain. Her name was Maite, and she had to be one of the most adventurous young ladies I've met to date. She was thirteen at the time, and her English was just about as good as my Spanish.

When she first got in my boat, I tried to do my best to make her comfortable. I even switched off from using "Right side", "Left side", to "Derecha" and "Isquierda". I remember how, regardless of my pathetic excuse for Spanish, she would respond with such delight, loving that I would even try and work towards understanding her. Our relationship was built off of "Como se dice?", but it didn't matter to her. She was still just as willing to love me for who I was, and I in return did the same. There is something before we get into this topic that you need to understand. This one is a bit tricky because communication barriers will come from all sorts of different reasonings. Difference in communication can often be a habit of how one was raised, life experiences, cultural differences, or even what they were taught to believe. There are going to be factors that not even the best of authors could give you advice about, and I am in nowhere near the state of claiming to be one of them, so sadly I cannot comment either.

The beautiful thing is (much like with Maite), that when two people truly want to build a relationship together, all it takes is starting with the basic "We are" principle. Rather than seeking the goal of, "I want to understand YOU." I like to view it as, "I want to understand who WE ARE together." This means that you want to move beyond simply gaining a better understanding of the other person and focus on how you can make them aware of your own personal feelings, emotions, and actions so that you can build communication TOGETHER. By focusing on the "We are", we can move away from questions such as, "Why are you doing that?" to, "How can I better understand the effect this is having?" Because all in all, how someone reacts to a situation will effect how you will react to that person's reaction. It is a chain reaction, and it will remain rather rough unless you take certain focus on certain ideas in building solid understanding of each other.

Shea and I didn't start out together and then move away from one another, our entire relationship has consisted of us living in two completely different places. In order to have the most effective communication in our relationship, we have to try and find proactive choices now that will benefit us in the situations that arise in the future. Long distance can be tough at times, so we have to be willing to be honest with one another through each moment we spend. This is where the first step, "Honesty Before Assumption" comes into play. You have to be willing to be honest with yourself, who you are in a relationship with, and what expectations you may previously have before a situation arrises.

Everyone knows where assuming gets you, but what is important it to learn before entering times of high tension, what expectations you and the other person have for times of hardship. When I was younger, I would cry and have my parents come to my side to comfort me. They didn't necessarily offer advice right away, but sat and listened to my feelings and let me come to the conclusion on my own, directing me if need be. That is what I expected when needing comfort from someone else. Now, for women...sometimes we like to simply SHARE how we feel with men and receive comfort and understanding in it. We don't always want to hear exactly what we should do in the moment. Sometimes, we may even want you to let us get their on our own, so that we feel a sense of accomplishment in turning our hardship into something beneficial.

Some men on the other hand, enjoy solving the problem in the heat of the moment. I like to think of somewhat of an Indiana Jones persona swooping in to not only save all of the world but get himself a nice lady at the same time. Guys enjoying the heroic feeling of seeing something broken and fixing it. The problem arrises when you have a woman seeking comfort and a man seeking a solution in the same moment of stress. This in turn becomes its own form of tension, and suddenly the emotional build up being experienced sort of spews over onto the relationship at hand, rather than the one it could be about in the first place.

So, in order to best combat this from happening, sit down with the person you are in a relationship with (this doesn't have to be romantic to apply), and explain what you expect during times of stress, tension, and frustration (even expectations in general). I know it may be a bit awkward at first, but talking is the only way that you can take proactive steps before you have to make post-hurt apologies. This was something that really helped my relationship from the get-go, being open and honest about how we both deal with things, and what we need during those times.

This the second understanding we must have about relationships. The "Responsibility Over Reason" understanding is one that many family members experience with one another. You see, I have the responsibility of loving my sibling regardless of what they may do to me, given that we are related. That is why it is so easy when you are frustrated at something entirely outside of home to take it out on those closest to you, because you know that they will still love you in the end. I'm not trying to sound conniving in the slightest, I'm just being honest with how families tend to work, at least in my experience. I always struggle with this principle with my mom. If I am angry about something that happened at school I will call her and by the end of the conversation find myself frustrated with her and not even remembering why I called in the first place. It is undeserved on her part, and also a bit elementary. We have to be able to recognize that our reasoning must remain in tact when there is an issue.

*Keep in mind that the issue is with whatever else it may be, not the person who is genuinely trying to be there for you.

Moving on, we have another understanding, known as the "Benefit of the Doubt or B.O.D." line of thinking. Texting is not talking, but it is communicating. Facebook and e-mail fall into this category as well. If someone sends you something that seems a bit harsh or brutal, before you allow your defenses to go up, please do yourself a favor and give them time to explain. Now "time to explain" does not mean waiting until they figure out on their own that they hurt you. It will probably take far too long for them to realize it, and your anger will be fuming by the time that they do. Instead, gently ask if they could explain what they meant. Remember, I said GENTLY. This doesn't mean, "How could you say that to me?" or texting, "Fine." Fine is a word that needs to be entirely thrown out of the English language. It doesn't matter how genuine you may say it, it always creates problems in thinking there is an underlying hint of sarcasm or frustration.

This also applies to time. Like I said, I have been long distance with Shea, and that means that technology is our only way of communication. We have made a deal with each other that if we are investing in time with other people we will prioritize it above texting. No one wants to sit with someone and try and compete for their attention with their phone. That being said, we still do our best to communicate when we will be busy, but sometimes we go hours without responding by accident. Sometimes, we may honestly not register that our phones have even gone off! Sadly, I see so many couples get angry when their boyfriend or girlfriend doesn't respond within seconds. So, give them the benefit of the doubt. They could be showering, or sleeping, or doing something that makes them unable to answer at the moment. It doesn't mean you aren't a priority, it just means that you need to trust that they love every minute talking to you, but just can't respond at that moment.

A good idea is to focus on "Saving Heart Before Face". Rather than trying to play the part of being "world's best girlfriend", I needed to realize in the beginning of my relationship that in not sharing my feelings with Shea, I was holding us both back from growing together. Not only that, but that pushed aside emotion will come back and hurt you in the future. If we try and hide something, all it takes is the right amount of frustration to bring it up again tenfold. I know you girls know what I'm talking about, because we do it all the time with guys. We suddenly take out weeks of built up hurt over something as stupid as not taking their shoes off when they walk in the front door, or forgetting the anniversary of the day we first ate cheerios together, or whatever it may be. When the bomb explodes, it hurts, and you don't want to end up doing something or saying something you will regret in your relationship when you could have prevented it by sharing your heart the whole time. Save their own heart, and be honest from the beginning about things that come up. Don't every assume that they know what they did wrong, it isn't fair. Be willing to humble yourself enough to work through the issue together.

Lastly, remember to "Care not Change". Sometimes all it takes it sitting with someone and allowing them to express themselves. It may mean that you can't change anything, that no matter what you say all they want is for you to be there for them. Sometimes I get frustrated not having the perfect piece of advice or plan of attack, but that is when I remember that it isn't so much about fixing something at the moment, but caring for that person. This also comes into play when you try and say the right thing. "I totally understand, one time this guy at work..." Okay, this is probably the worst mistake out there. When someone needs you to be there for them, don't assume that means relate with them. It is probably not the best time to bring up situations that you think relate to what they are going through.

The truth is that we all handle things entirely different. Even if you think that you may know what someone is experiencing, save the story for later on when you two can talk through and share in it together. If someone is hurting or needs care, focus on what they are sharing. Respond to their own story by hearing them, repeating back to them (in different words for clarification), and accepting that maybe you can't fully understand, but that you love them and that is why you want to try. Girls, don't get mad if a guy tries to care but ends up saying something wrong. I have had more times guess it is my time of the month at the wrong time then anything when it comes to me being upset, and I can't get angry and pull the "How dare you say that" card, because sometimes I am genuinely so emotional I would probably guess I was on my period too if I saw how I was acting.

Instead, allow your words to be affirming, encouraging, and comforting. Focus on bringing the person to the Lord, and finding their worth in Him. If they don't necessarily believe, affirm their worth by the things you love about them. Some people even like complete silence when they are dealing with something. That is why if you start proactively talking through these things now, when the time comes you will have a way better idea of how to respond.

So remember:

Thought One: Seek to understanding who you both are together.

Thought Two: Be honest with one another before assuming things about the other person. (Especially in expectations)

Thought Three: Keep the reason of why you are frustrated as the real issue, rather than letting it become the other person. (Just because they have a responsibility to love you regardless, doesn't mean you should justify mistreating them.)

Thought Four: Give the benefit of the doubt before jumping to your own conclusions.

Thought Five: Rather than hide your emotions, save yourselves from future hurt by having open and honest communication throughout your relationship, not just in times of trial.

Thought Six: People will do their best to do or say the right thing, but focus rather on caring for the individual and not necessarily trying to be the best at it. (The love itself will speak volumes)

Just a few things to take in when coming across communication barriers!

Kendra S. Wise

Tying the Thought

Tying the Thought

Thanks to Pinterest, attending Biola University, and my personal vocational objective of dating life coach, I have been granted the wonderful privilege of believing marriage to be not only a necessity within this life stage, but affirmation that I’ve done this life stage well. A few years ago I was proposed with the question, “When do you think you will get married?” I remember rolling my eyes at the thought of it being anytime in the near future, and blurted out somewhere between age 28 and 30. As much as I wish I could be content in my answer now, it humbles me to say that my personal opinion on the “perfect age” has lowered, in fact it has vanished altogether.

When did it start happening that as soon as you hit senior year of college a ring was mandatory upon graduation? I’m guessing things started changing when more and more people started doing it, as with any trend in society. The problem is that it isn’t necessarily bad to believe that marriage should be on your radar given your age. Think about it, only a few short years ago I was focused on where I was to go to college. Upon graduating, my next thought turns to what I want to do after I graduate, and that is something that includes marriage down the road for me.

I want to get married. I would love the joy of being someone’s wife someday, and hopefully sooner rather than later. As I’ve already started browsing through wedding gowns, bridesmaid dresses, and rings this semester, I’ve realized that maybe the idea of a wedding is far more intriguing than that of marriage itself…right now. You see, I’ve always just assumed that I would get married later in life. Since I’ve wanted to publically speak and travel since age twelve, I’ve just thought that marriage would have to be associated with settling down, and that put a future limitation on the concept. Who wants to marry someone who is gone all the time?

The problem is that, the older I get, and the more realistic engagement becomes, the harder it is to find balance in my own thought life regarding it. See, I’ve always believed the common principle of not being in a relationship with someone who you wouldn’t want to marry. I’m pretty sure (or at least can hope) that you would share that thought with me. The thing is though, is that in knowing that I wouldn’t date someone who I wouldn’t consider marrying, where is the balance in not allowing my thoughts to rush to marriage once I start dating someone? Confusing? You bet.

Our thoughts are powerful things. Especially with minds going far quicker than our hearts can catch up to, thoughts are very effective in regards to what we want to believe is the truth. There is so much influence others can have on thoughts as well. Think about it, if you have a friend who has gotten married in the last year or so, it is only natural that you’ve considered what your wedding would be like. Maybe it is “just a girl thing”, but men have thoughts that are very similar as well. Thoughts control our opinions, and opinions control our thoughts.

The minute we get an idea in our head, the harder it is to get it out of our hearts. The two are connected, and therefore the rush of marriage places a large stress on my own desire to be in a relationship now. I never thought I would abolish the “perfect age” concept so young. This isn’t to say that I want to get married tomorrow, or even years down the road. This is to say that I am placing the when where and how entirely in God’s hands. The why however is most important, and that is why I gladly take joy in being so much more involved with that crucial aspect.

I chatted with a friend over coffee today who is on her way down the aisle in just a few short months. As she talked through her wedding plans, I started to realize that marriage is never the destination, nor the beginning. I’ve heard toast after toast at weddings begin with, “This is just the beginning…” But I thought the beginning was far before a ring was on my finger! The beginning happened when I stepped into this relationship in the first place, and that beginning should never be tossed aside as irrelevant.

You see, we are a society of stages. In the real world, marriage is the next step to a relationship. Well, essentially sex is, but since my blog is targeted at the Christian audience, I’d say that marriage is viewed in place of sex. You heard me, in place of, not prior to, but in place of. The marriage age for Christian couples continues to lower, and much of that attributes to the fact that the next stage of a Christian relationship is marriage. No longer are people enjoying the relationship stage of the relationship, given that they are cutting themselves short on the physical dynamic that only marriage can bring. Therefore, tying the knot seems the best approach to getting the physical advantages, while still keeping with the natural progression of a relationship.

I think this idea cheats us out of each step along the way. Take hiking for example. The satisfaction of enduring the grueling climb to gain the best scenery would be entirely ripped away if you noticed a car access point only a few yards away. Sure the scenery would still be rewarding, and beautiful, but the process would be different. I’m not saying that everyone rushes marriage for the sex, but I found it most interesting when a friend mentioned the length of younger couples’ receptions. I was at a wedding a few weeks ago in which the reception lasted all of an hour. The couple couldn’t jet out of there faster, knowing what the evening entailed past that point.

I just think that if marriage becomes the focus point of a relationship, the process in getting there is short-changed. I enjoy each moment in the relationship I am in now, whether it is holding hands for the first time, or getting to say the word, “boyfriend”. I don’t want to rush into the “next stage” simply because it is what is expected of me. Then on the other hand I deal with the exciting and thrilling reality that this person could eventually be my husband, and before I know it the two conflicting sides start spinning me into a tornado of thoughts.

So what am I to do with Pinterest updating me each morning on the newest Tiffany’s collection? Or the fact that I attend the Bridal Institute of Los Angeles? If I knew the answer to that question, I would put it on every billboard around our nation I could, but I don’t. It used to be the tension between finding contentment in the Lord and having the desire to find someone. Now it is between having someone and not letting my thoughts run me into experiencing things in our relationship too quickly.

Therefore, I can give you what I have found to be the best approach for me. It starts with pacing. Pacing yourself in a way that is honest, yet realistic. I am growing more and more fond of my boyfriend each day, but I don’t want to let the fact that I can see myself marrying him triumph the joy found in each day with him now. That may not make sense to you, but I’ll try my best to explain it in a more vivid way. Take Christmas for example. Christmas comes at the same time each year. You expect Christmas, you know it is coming, and you know that each day you get one step closer to it. Christmas never changes, but you can’t help but put more and more expectation on the day itself, given that your mindset is consumed with the gifts you will be getting, those you will be giving, Santa coming, the fire burning, or whatever it may be that excites you on Christmas Day.

We put so much stress on making that day perfect, that each day until that point we get weighed down with the burden of shopping, baking, cleaning, and so on. We want the day to be memorable, enjoyable, and what we have always wanted. By focusing our efforts on the day alone, we miss out on enjoying the days before and after. Suddenly we only get excited by the initial rush of Christmas morning, but once the festivities are over we are on to the next best thing…Valentine’s Day. I don’t want marriage to be Christmas. I don’t want to focus all my efforts on waiting for the perfect day, or the perfect timing, that I miss out on each day beforehand and after.

I want to realize the power of using my desire to marry the person I am with as a pacer. I am not ready for marriage now, but as I grow in my relationship I can place my focus on being with my boyfriend today. Each day I am with him I feel like there is something to be gained. Every day holds something entirely different within it, and that is something that is to be treasured, not cast aside the day that we get married. The balance is allowing my feelings for my boyfriend to progress naturally, and not using marriage as motivation to bypass the slow but steady pace of a relationship.

Rather, I’m taking the Hanukkah approach to my relationship. I want each day to be full of joy and celebration, not one to be better than the other. I also want marriage then to be something just as joyful as the moment that we first hugged, or say, “I love you.” or celebrate an anniversary. Obviously my wedding day will be a memorable and remarkable event in both my husband and my lives, but that doesn’t mean it has to be THE event to be in anticipation of. I’d way rather anticipate the occurrence of everyday things. The minute I get a good morning text, the first time we get to cook a meal together, and so on.

So, it is time to “tie the thought”. Not necessarily casting the idea of marriage out the door, but keeping it as something to look forward to, not to chase after. This whole concept extends far beyond marriage itself. For the college student, it may be graduation. For the newlywed it could be the adventure of pregnancy. Don’t let your thoughts take you away from what is happening in the moment. It is so easy to focus our efforts on the “somedays” and “whens”. Instead, allow those moments to be just as joyful as the process in getting there.

Just something I’ve been THINKING about! Hehe!

Keep Reading,

Kendra

Life, Love and the Pursuit of Christ

Two months ago I was single. I was enjoying life as a single woman in the fact that I found comfort in knowing I was being pursued by Christ. Through being pursued by someone else in the process, I’ve found that the two are insanely alike. I have never been so joyful in my life. Being in a relationship is a daily representation of Christ’s role in my journey. The man that holds my heart is one that pursues Christ before pursuing me, and I love every minute of it.

I may have never told you how Shea asked me to be his girlfriend. That story is one for the record books, in being that it was by far the most romantic experience of my life. Our relationship attests the fact that it didn’t stop there, but that each day we grow more and more alongside one another, and in appreciation for one another as well. Being in a relationship and writing this blog is a bit difficult, yet also thrilling and exciting in knowing that perhaps the points that I have been trying to make reign true in the process of going about things with the Christ-first mentality.

When Shea showed up on my doorstep a few months into our blessed friendship, he not only surprised me with a bouquet of my favorite flowers, a long-stem rose, and a smile that made me glow for weeks, but he gave me a complete affirmation of the fact that I was loved. We sat down on the sidewalk for about twenty minutes of me ranting in disbelief how incredibly caught off guard I was! Not only that, but I started spilling my guts on how terrified I was in entering a relationship with him.

I said things such as, “What if I’m not a good girlfriend?” and “What if I don’t know what will happen?” He assured me that we aren’t going to know the future regardless of what zip codes we live in, and gave me complete confidence in already far surpassing the qualities of being essentially “good” in the girlfriend department. To say I found a pretty amazing catch would be quite the understatement, but more than finding someone to share life with in as an amazing way as we get to, I found something so incredibly beautiful in relation to my walk with the Lord.

How often do I sit before my King and ask similar questions. “What if I don’t lead well?” “What if I can’t do this?” God and I have gone round and round debating how good of a vessel I am for His Kingdom. He often reminds me that it is by His strength alone I get the opportunity to even be saved in the first place. I never realized how beautifully accurate a man showing up on my doorstep, wooing me with encouragement in who I am as a woman, is similar to what Christ does for me daily. I am entirely inadequate as a follower of Christ. I always will be. But God doesn’t necessarily take me for what I can give Him, in fact I know He doesn’t. He was entirely fine on His own without me at all. He asks me to join in a relationship with Him because He loves me. He chooses me.

My insecurities have never been as evident until joining in a relationship with someone else who gets to witness them firsthand. There is something though that allows me to be entirely who I am when I am with Shea, because I know that he cares for me regardless of them. Not only that, but his affirmation in who I am challenges me to let go of them altogether. Now there is something that the Lord does on a daily basis. I am God’s. I am HIS DAUGHTER, and that reminder each day is enough to force me to submit my fears and frustrations to Him. I do so as an act of worship, but one full of praise. He loves me for who I am.

There is a big part of this process that I forget to tell you about. It is this. For months I have been writing to you on the issues associated with being pursued, and pursuing one another. I haven’t been capable of writing beyond that given that I have never really reached what comes next. As I journey through this new relationship, I promise you that you will hear much of the wisdom that I gain without necessarily letting on to the specifics of it. As I keep my relationship with Shea as just that…a relationship between Shea and I…I will do my best to share with you what I am learning in the process.

This is a conflicting battle however, for no one wants to put their relationship under a microscope, but perhaps in inviting you into this aspect of my life, you can give me the respect in understanding my heart in allowing the specifics to be left between us. I don’t say this in making our relationship one that is mysterious or under wraps, but in hoping to maintain the respect I have for my boyfriend prior to my desire to write an honest piece of work.

My honesty will remain in the fact that I will allow you to hear all that I have going on in my heart. I finally know what happens after the building up of pursuing someone, and I can tell you firsthand that it has been entirely worth the wait. Today, I made a very important decision. I’ve decided to deem the year 2012 as one of seeking God. Now I hope that you choose to do so, for those of you that believe in Him, on a daily basis. But to actually give an entire year of my life to seeking Him first, above myself, above my relationship…I can guarantee there will be no disappointment in it. Why? Because Jeremiah 29:13-14 says so!

You see, my writing is focused on helping you gain insight to dating. I am not about to stop doing what I love because I’ve moved into a relationship. I am going to challenge you though that, for those of you not in one at this moment, you choose to seek Christ with your entire single self, just as much as you when you are taken. The beautiful aspect of my relationship is that I am seeking Christ more fervently then ever, but it didn’t happen as a result of my relationship, it was strengthened because of it. If you start choosing to pursue Christ now, then you can’t go wrong when stepping into a relationship with someone doing the exact same thing.

I have watched several relationships fail because they lose sight of pursuing something together. I have seen this especially in relation to marriage. So often I see one person in the relationship pursuing marriage and marriage alone, while the other is fixated on vocational goals and objectives. This creates a constant tension between work and relationship time. What you are pursuing will effect what you choose to invest your time in.

Think about my newfound ambition to be fit for my ministry. A few days ago I was watching America’s Next Top Model, and Tyra Banks (yep, as pathetic as it may be) helped me realize that I need to start implementing healthy choices now to be able to live the lifestyle I hope to have in the future. If I am going to finish this book, publically speak, and travel around America after graduation, I better start getting some quality living habits under my belt!

By pursuing health, my time has become focused on Insanity, trips to the gym, and morning routine such as my daily devotional, first glass of water, and Acai breakfast smoothie. If someone was to observe how I live they would see that I am passionate and serious about living a healthy life. Similarly, in a relationship, if you are to witness where one another are focusing their time, you would find their passion. This can often be mistaken when it comes to priority as well. The difference between priority and passion is heart. For instance, being a college almost-grad I know working next semester will take up the majority of my time. Now working is not a passion of mine, but it is a priority given that it needs to be done to be able to do my passion in the future without the burden of student loans hanging on my back.

A good practice to do now is to discover your passions and priorities, especially before entering a relationship. How are you going to know if your pursuit lines up if you have no idea what you are pursuing? A few key questions to ask yourself are, “Where do I spend my time?” “What makes me joyful?” “What is worth getting out of bed in the morning?” I remember a horrible habit a few months back of merely getting myself up so I could enjoy a chocolate protein bar. It was my only source of chocolate through the day, and it’d give me the motivation to jump right up in the morning. That was when I had to reassess my motivation in my passions.

There are things you can start putting into practice now that will drastically help in your relationship to come. For those of you already in your relationship, this is also a good measure on where your relationship will head in the future. If you are experiencing constant conflict regarding the time the two of you are spending together, that can often be attributed to a lack of complementary pursuits. This is where things can get a little tough, because you may think the best option is to either “prioritize” or “be passionate about” the other person.

I know this may sound like the best answer, especially given that every self-help book out there on dating will assure you that you are right. The problem though in placing a person at the pursuit of a relationship is that it is a cycle. You will always fail to entirely prioritize the other person, and rightfully you should. By not choosing a steadfast goal of your relationship, you are filling your time with trying to become the end result for the other person. You may think my logic is entirely crazy, but stick with me just a second more.

See, I can’t have a relationship with the person beside me if they are what I am choosing to pursue. How can you run a race towards the person you are running with? Then it becomes a game of chase. Suddenly it turns into how well one person is doing over the other. Someone will always be ahead, and someone will always be behind. You will be running in circles, and there will be both time of working well in it and seriously failing. If you choose instead to focus your efforts on something else, such as the Lord, or even a goal like a life plan (ministry, business, a family), you will have far more success in achieving it together. Does that make sense?

By finding stability in a joint effort, you suddenly change from seeing the other person as a competitor for your attention, and more as an aid in getting there together. It is far easier to run with a partner towards something then get exhausted from never getting anywhere. You’ll notice too that if you have the same pursuit, priorities will naturally line up together. Suddenly, the time you invest in one another becomes a passion, because it is not only enjoyable but useful in building you both up towards where you want to go.

I can’t lie to you. I have no idea how this works when it isn’t God as the one that you are pursuing. See, the Lord is steadfast entirely. So as we pursue Him together, we naturally fall for one another more as a result. We no longer focus on what we give one another in the relationship, as much as what we can do for the Lord in the relationship.

So before you set up your “New Year’s Resolutions” and such, I’d ask you to first ask what you are hoping in the end result. Is your objective a person? Is it simply to have a husband or wife? See, I get nervous sometimes that that becomes the main objective. It might even be why you are reading this in the first place, hoping I’ll give you some direction in how to get there. But if you choose to seek something that you gain at the alter, your life thereafter will become much tougher to be joyful in. If you choose something far more steadfast and never-ending, you have the privilege of gaining a partner along the way!

Just something to think about.

Love,

Kendra S. Wise

A Champagne Toast!

Dear Friends and Family,

I am about to undergo one of the most interesting projects to date. A 30-day blogging challenge. Starting today, I am determined to write you one blog a day for the next 30 days. My hope in this is to kick the new year off with a bang, especially in hopes of finishing my book by May, when I graduate.

Where have I been? Honestly, if I could put into words the last few months of my blessed relationship you would feel far more depressed then after the closing scene of the Notebook. Not in that, "How sad they are dying" kind of way but in the "Where is my Noah?" kind of feeling. I used to know it so well until God blessed me with my own.

I wish that I had a game plan or some sort of beautiful cliche to sum up how my relationship has been going but the truth is that I've never seen one quite like this before. We are long distance. We have been since we started dating which, many of you who are cynical and yet realistic, probably the majority of you disagree with. The thing is that there is no denying God's hand in this situation. From the moment I met him this summer God has continued to amaze me with his passion for the Lord, life, and loving people.

Now, where does that put me in regard to my blogging? Yes, it does change things a bit. For many of you though I am pretty sure it may actually be beneficial in your pursuing of a relationship for yourself. I am walking in this new situation without any prior dating history. I don't know how it will turn out or if he is the person I am to be with the rest of my life, but I can hope for it, and I can promise you that my honesty will still remain entirely in tact. I, as I learned from this summer, will never give complete insight to my personal life, nor his given that it is his own story to tell, but I will still write with the same passion I always have for seeking God's purity, truth, and plan in relationships. I hope you enjoy it, but just as I said from the start it will still be rough. You will have to forgive me for spelling and grammatical errors time and time again. I don't take the time to re-check everything before I post, because sometimes I get so passionate in the moment it entirely slips my mind to re-read my work. I just get so excited to share a new insight!

For some of you, you may want to stop reading at this point. My selling point was still being single and being one of the few writers left on dating who wasn't in a relationship just yet. The thing is that being in this relationship has seriously affirmed several of the lessons I've already shared and I can't wait to revisit some of my past writing and explain how.

I hope you embark on this journey with me because I need some serious support in taking this seriously! I want you to be apart of this just as much as I want to share my story with the world, and I can't wait to see what is to come!

A toast to the new year, and to the next 30 days of reading on!

Love you,

Kendra

A Tall Glass of Water

Good morning! Oh how good it feels to be back on the keyboard again. I just love that first sip of Skinny Peppermint Mocha from my beautiful red cup. After giving coffee up for three weeks, my body has officially grown a distaste for it black anymore. Now I have to sweeten it up as much as possible just to get a little sweet fix for the week in. I actually threw away over four dollars of java in the trash this week trying to find a way I can still drink it! I used to love coffee, but when I broke it down to its bare minimum and got used to how it tasted, I just didn’t want the yummy stuff anymore. Plus, when I got rid of it as a whole in my life, it just didn’t seem to taste the same when I came back to it again.

Patience. What a funny thing. The Waiting Game, my book hopefully coming out in the spring, is all about patience. I personally stink at it, but at the same time find it somewhat thrilling. Patience implies that you are waiting for something. Anytime we wait for something, we have the temptation of settling for something else. This was always such a frustration when it came to the man I wanted to marry. As a little kid, I started to daydream about my perfect man. He was 6’4”, dark brown hair, baby blue eyes, tan skin, and a smile that screamed Crest Fresh Breath.

As I grew up, I began to pray for him to. I would pray for his heart, his protection, his sexual purity, his knowledge of God’s Word, his heart for a family, his respect of his mother and father, his laughter, his embrace, and his purpose that God has blessed him with. The problem was that as I prayed more for his character, his image began to fade. I remember that as a teenager, my view of what my husband would look like became almost blurred in my imagination…that is everything but his nose. I remember telling a friend in high school that I would know my husband by the ridge of his nose. I still hold true to that today, but it is so much more about what his heart is like.

That being said, it is rather tough to wait for someone who you have no guide to look for, other than that character. And you can’t really know someone’s character until you sit down and invest in them. But what if we could have more of a solid guideline to look for? How often do you hear a Christian woman claim, “God, if you could just give me a first name it would save a lot of heartbreak.” Well, what if I told you I could save you some heartbreak without giving you a name at all?

Think about my coffee addiction. From a young age I have loved coffee. That sweet and tempting aroma that would pull me into any nearby coffee shop, the way the Starbucks cup would fit so comfortably in my hand, the horrible yet cheerful reminder of coffee breath during church service greet your neighbor times. It has been a big part of my life.

When I first decided to alter my coffee lifestyle, I opted for the cheap route. I stripped my coffee of its yummy goodness to straight black. It was bitter, it was somewhat disgusting, but a few drops of my Vanilla Stevia each morning in it, and I was set. It wasn’t what I wanted, but it was a cheap and quick fix to my craving. You see, sometimes when we try and find alternate routes to still getting the same fill for what we want, it can be dissatisfying and even a turn-off. Sure, it isn’t the worst option. I mean it is better than not having coffee at all right? But, it takes a little getting used to, because we are trained to crave the “good stuff”, and the bitterness is unsettling. That bitterness triggers within us the realization that we have to become used to the new fix.

I have seen countless men and women settle for the same thing in relationships. They get so tired of waiting that they throw themselves into a situation that feels a little off, or bitter, but they grow accustomed to it, and therefore it’ll do for the time being. The problem is…they eventually grow tired or wearisome from settling for something that they don’t really want.

After two months of Americanos and regular coffees, my body knew I was dissatisfied with my choice. I decided to rid myself of coffee altogether. This is another approach I’ve seen to patience. Some people take themselves “out of the game” altogether to avoid choosing the wrong person. The problem is that you aren’t going to get to know someone’s character if you aren’t willing to invest some time getting to know them. Sure there is risk, but if there wasn’t then finding someone who truly meets what you need and vice versa wouldn’t be as rewarding.

There is that word again, “need”. This is what is most rewarding slash shocking in my choice to try coffee again. During the time that I gave it up, I found that my body likes something far different from coffee…water. As silly as it may be, my body craves water all the time. I have tried three times now to have a cup of coffee but it just won’t do. I take about three sips and toss it! I just did it again as I was writing this to you. That Skinny Peppermint Mocha…in the trash a few feet from me.

See, I used to love coffee. I LOVED coffee. I grew up on it, much like I grew up on the perfect daydream of what my husband would look like. It was my ideal, and I had grown so used to what I wanted I entirely wrote of what I needed. My body can’t stand coffee now because I have tasted something far better. Something that is unlike anything I have ever wanted, but something that is exactly what I needed.

That is the beauty of patience. See, we can’t kill off any hope in our lives by running away from dating. Nor should we settle for cheap options of what we could get used to. But perhaps if we tried something else, our hearts would realize what they have been missing. My new relationship is thriving, but more importantly I am realizing that it looks nothing like my skinny peppermint mocha, but boy is it perfectly fit for what I need, so much so that my body doesn’t even want the other junk anymore.

Those guidelines shouldn’t be physically looking for a type, or demanding a head’s up from God by a first name, but instead it should be knowing what we need. This starts by trying things other than our ideals, and keeping the biblical expectations that we have of our spouse in place. I’m not saying to go on a drinking rampage trying everything in the fridge, or on the shelf, but I am saying know what character you are looking for in the person you date, and be willing to test out different forms that it may come in.

I guess, for me at least, there really is such a thing as a tall glass of water ;)

Just something to think about,

Love Kendra

Only Time Will Tell...

Two years ago I was writing a letter to a friend who I had hoped to be in a relationship with to this day. I told him that I was certain that he knew exactly how I felt about him, and the fact that he was remaining entirely disinterested was far too much for a woman of my impatience to bear any longer. As dramatic as I could possibly have communicated it with him, it was my final and last romantic gesture in bargaining for his attention with a guilt-ridden plea for closure.

Isn’t it funny how things can change? Here I am, two years later, with a man who loves the Lord with his entire heart supporting me as I write my words to you. I, Kendra Shannon Wise, am taken. Twenty-one years of being single and that is by far one of the most awkward yet rewarding statements that I have ever made. I can’t lie to you, being in a relationship is nothing like what I thought it would be and, being only a few short weeks in, I honestly can’t recall what exactly I thought it would be.

The story? Entirely God’s to tell. With each step of this relationship, I have seen God move in ways that are so vivid and so evident that denying His orchestrating of the events leading up to it would be completely foolish! Is my boyfriend my husband? Only time will tell. But it is the uncertainty, the unknown, the reliance on God’s plan that has challenged my own thinking of relationships in general. Here I thought that I was an expert on the lead-in stage. I could tell any man and any woman how to pursue, be pursued, and treat one another in such a way that the relationship would be entirely utilized for the glory of God. The problem with such prideful and arrogant claims, is that they often shatter when under the pressure of experimentation in one’s own life.

For me, my claim to fame was the idea that dating was to remain as dating. We were to not be afraid of asking one another out to spend intentional time together, getting to know one another. Relationships were therefore an extension of dating, the choice to no longer date several people but focus on one person, hoping that in time, it would be revealed if the two are to get married. Marriage, the beginning stage of life united together, is then chosen by those who have committed themselves to one another in such a long-lasting way, that they are affirming it through vows, a certificate, and standing before there most beloved friends in hopes of being held accountable to their commitment.

I still agree with my original thought. I still think that we should keep dating as dating, but I don’t know if I fully believe that you are to know who you are going to marry within the first week, month, year, or even several years of an intentional relationship. This is where people will probably disagree. You see, in the Christian circle, we like to play the “God card” often times when it comes to breaking things off with one another. We share that we just don’t think God has allowed our plans to work together in a way that “fits”, so we copout and break it off.

My original idea was that dating was used to find one person to step into a relationship with, but I never really processed through what the relationship stage of dating entailed. The first thing I have learned is that this stage of the relationship isn’t marriage. When you embark in a new relationship, you don’t suddenly get the benefits of a marriage as a result of pre-committing yourself to someone. It isn’t a sense of entitlement, and in fact, I think there is even more pressure through this stage to protect and guard your heart, and the heart of the one you are with.

I think we have this jaded perception that once we change our Facebook statuses, we “win”. We now “get to” do things together that we hadn’t in the dating stage. We get to become physical, let our guard down, fall in love, and essentially give ourselves fully to the relationship, knowing that it is headed towards marriage. But what if is isn’t? What if we assume that any relationship we enter into isn’t going to end at the alter? Then why on earth would you even date that person in the first place? Because you can’t know who your husband or wife is after one date. You can’t even know who your husband or your wife is after several.

Yes, I do believe that there is this concept of a “feeling” that people get. I have heard several pastors stand on stage and describe the minute their wife walked into the room for the first time, God told him that they would be married. But sometimes I think we expect that feeling so much so that if we don’t get it, we think we should walk away. That is the problem with feelings. God can utilize feelings to urge us in our choices, just as much as He can use His Word, other people, and life experiences. But if we start to put too much of an emphasis on feelings alone we can begin to miss out on opportunities that perhaps Christ has blessed us with, or let go of ones that could be exactly what we need.

I have seen so many friends wait for that feeling. I had a friend once who thought she had that feeling with this one guy, who turned out to be a total jerk after playing games with her through their entire relationship, eventually leading to a broken heart. She explained that she thought he was the one, but now is happily married to an entirely different person. My question that I have been wrestling with is what if that feeling doesn’t come. Or, what if that feeling comes when we least expect it?

I have another friend who explains that her and her husband now started out as friends, not even thinking of one another romantically. It wasn’t until far into their relationship that she could even envision marrying him, but now they are happily married. She explained that it took time, and investing in one another to really know if they were someone to join in life with.

It makes me nervous to think that we aren’t maintaining the same mentality through dating that we are through a relationship. I don’t know where God is going to call me after graduation in May. I don’t know if my relationship will remain long distance for more than this year, or if God will beautifully orchestrate our plans to fit together. But if God has already led me to where I am with my boyfriend now, then why not trust that He will continue to move?

In trusting in that alone, I am also readying my heart to listen. My boyfriend is first and foremost God’s son. He has a plan, giftings, and a will by God to do what he has been called to do. I will always view him as God’s son before he is ever my boyfriend. I am not taking ownership for someone who isn’t mine, and not expecting my plan to be the one that he follows. In return, he gives me the same respect in understanding that God has called me to minister to college women, and our relationship is centered on building one another up in Christ, and letting God take hold of this relationship.

Obviously it is far easier for me to say that I am doing that, because you have to remember this is fresh and new. Some of you will read this and claim that I am naïve. You are exactly right. I am naïve, I have never done this before. But my prayer isn’t that I’m telling you how to live your lives, but that you watch the journey I am on through these discoveries, and hopefully take hold of some of the truth that comes out of them.

In viewing my boyfriend in such a way, I can’t give an answer when asked how it will end. I have my desire and my hope, but I can’t predict what is going to happen, and that would be true if he lived down the street or four hundred miles away from me. What I can do is assure you that I am not living in a way that suggests I do know the future. I think this is how relationships often work. We act as though we know exactly how it is going to end. I don’t. I am not going to pretend I do and that is why I have still maintained boundaries in my emotional, physical, and spiritual aspects of my time in relationship.

I am letting my guard down. But just because you let your guard down doesn’t necessarily mean that you give yourself away. Think of a castle. There is a drawbridge that lets visitors cross over into the kingdom, but the kingdom is still protected by men, walls, and a gate. Even once the gate is up, there are still several procedures a visitor must go through before entering the court. It requires time, a process, and investing in one another in a healthy way. I just started a relationship. I don’t want to hold my boyfriend’s heart in my hands, I am nowhere near equipped for that or vice versa. I pray that God holds his heart. I pray that God protects his heart and that I can love him by God’s love as well as my own through loving God and revealing to my boyfriend how Christ views him.

This may take all of the romance out of the picture for you. Where is the heat? The overwhelming attraction? The passion? The mystery? Honestly. I have had my fair share of heat, overwhelming attraction, passion, and mystery and I have been left not only hurt but also broken from it. I would way rather build a relationship based on God’s love, for when it comes to my own love I am jaded, sinful, selfish, and lustful. I pray that the romance comes through knowing and appreciating one another. I pray that the romance is steady, healthy, and growing. I pray that intimacy comes in time, through prayer and trust in God’s plan, and investing in one another. I don’t want to fast pass each beautiful stage of what relationship entails. I want to embrace it.

So there you have it. Things are changing for me each day, but I pray to walk through this as much as I did in my singleness with you, so that you can be the first to hear all that I am learning as a result. Just because I am taken doesn’t mean that my words aren’t valid in relation to living as a single woman. I still have some pretty quality experience, and perhaps now as I step into this new chapter of my life, you can watch God grow and stretch each one of my views in the next stage of what dating brings.

My hope and prayer for you today is that you challenge yourself with what romance should look like in your own life. I could be entirely wrong, I could be so far from what God’s idea of relationship should look like, but something tells me that there is nothing wrong with taking the time to figure that out! I’d way rather take a slow and steady pace before I rush past what Christ had intended for this season. Thanks for reading!


Love,

Kendra

A Sister for Your Mister

"Brother", "Sister", "Friend"...In the Christian world, we deem one another blood-relational pet names to avoid confusion of sending mixed messages. Christian terms of endearment were established by someone who wanted to passively communicate "You and I have no romantic feelings for one another." Okay, so perhaps these titles didn't originate from this type of motivation, but if you've spent any time in a Christian circle lately, you know it is true. By suggesting your friendship to that of one that is blood related, you are implying to the other person one of two things:

1. We are so close but I'd NEVER date you.

2. I know you like me but kissing you would be like kissing my COUSIN.

Although in some parts of the country that'd be socially acceptable, we should probably come to grips with the fact that no one wants to be thought of by someone that they are attracted to as "related". The kicker is when the word "little" is thrown into the mix. First, you called me your sibling and now you have to twist the dagger by adding a hint of belittlement to the phrase?

Now, some of you may argue that these words genuinely can be used to affirm friends of your closeness. I would entirely agree with that. My friend from home and I have called each other "bro" and "sis" for the past 7 years. We both know that we'd never date though and that is why there is no hidden motivation in using the terms. We've communicated clearly our expectations of one another, and romance isn't one of them.

I've seen several women on the flip-side of this concept. A friend of mine in high school would give men the idea that she was their "little sister". So much so that she'd make them comfortable enough to share their hearts and invest quality time in the relationship, all under the false sense of security that she viewed them platonically. Once that trust was built, she would use it as leverage to present herself as a real catch, claiming that she was the only one who understood them or that their connection ran deep.

By seeing each other as "Christian siblings", we can run the risk of experiencing similar situations. I personally believe that we should restore the use of the terms to genuinely meaning seeing each other as the body of Christ. This may get far too spiritual for your taste, but I'd personally rather have the terms remain genuine and to the point than a sneak attack DTR bypass any day.

See, being brothers and sisters should mean that we keep one another's hearts at the forefront of our interactions. Family provides protection. Family means that we understand one another, seek to love each other and develop relationships that keep one another's integrity in check. If I wanted to kiss a cousin I'd ask one of mine on a date. I don't want to view the man of my dreams as someone related to me. Let your brothers be brothers and your boyfriends be boyfriends.

This is where it gets a little tricky. So many of my friends ask me my view on friendship prior relationship. Although it can be done, I don't know if I believe it is ideal. I think getting to know someone outside of romantic interest provides a realistic perspective of who they are. The minute romance enters the picture, it is far easier to throw character flaws to the wind and "just go for it." I hate that mentality. When you've been guarding your heart as long as I have, you be believe I'm not about to throw anything anywhere.

The problem I see developing with this "friends first" concept is the struggle to maintain healthy physical chemistry later on. As I said before, I'm not about to kiss a cousin so if I am involved in a strong friendship with someone I am far less likely to view them as someone I would date. I struggle to mentally transition from friend to boyfriend. If he is a good friend of mine I will often be rather hesitant in moving forward for the risk of losing the closeness that we do have. I don't care what people say, once physical intimacy has started, the friendship won't ever be the same.

So what is a boy to do? I mean is there a solid testing ground for friendships to try dating without being ruined if it doesn't work out? I believe that there is. It is called a date, and you should try it out. Not a marriage, engagement, commitment, or status change on Facebook but a real date. In fact, if it is a close friend I'd even go as far as suggesting a few of them to try things out.

Now here is the best piece of advice I could give you. Boundaries. Have clear set boundaries before entering the date, as you should with anyone you go out with. I don't mean sit the person down and tell them that this is what you expect, but know in your own heart and mind what you are looking for out of it. I don't think you could ever be too careful in letting the physical aspect of the date go at a slow but steady pace. Don't dive right in to having to make out with your closest guyfriend to see if there is something more. Rather ease into the romantic mindset of enjoying one another's company in the date setting. That step alone will be crucial in transitioning to more if this is someone you genuinely want to be with.

Honestly, I do love a good surprise every now and then and for me, I've realized the beauty in dating someone who originated as a friend. I think it is such an incredible thing to be able to be there for one another without the hidden manipulation of wanting more out of it. I still don't know if it is ideal, but I do believe that it can lay a strong foundation for something that is long-lasting rather than temporary. That is why I do think if you start to make that transition you should take your time with it, because it is definitely a process!

Lastly, please do yourself a favor and tell the person you aren't interested in that you enjoy them as a friend and friend alone. I would far more appreciate a guy sitting me down and telling me that he isn't feeling it over calling me his little sister to get the point across. I still call several women in my life "sister" and men "brother". I think the terms can be used with the right intention in mind, but I'd challenge you to check your heart the next time you get into a similar situation. I think it is far more sisterly to say exactly what you mean rather than beat around the bush and leave him guessing!

Love,

Kendra S. Wise