A Tall Glass of Water

Good morning! Oh how good it feels to be back on the keyboard again. I just love that first sip of Skinny Peppermint Mocha from my beautiful red cup. After giving coffee up for three weeks, my body has officially grown a distaste for it black anymore. Now I have to sweeten it up as much as possible just to get a little sweet fix for the week in. I actually threw away over four dollars of java in the trash this week trying to find a way I can still drink it! I used to love coffee, but when I broke it down to its bare minimum and got used to how it tasted, I just didn’t want the yummy stuff anymore. Plus, when I got rid of it as a whole in my life, it just didn’t seem to taste the same when I came back to it again.

Patience. What a funny thing. The Waiting Game, my book hopefully coming out in the spring, is all about patience. I personally stink at it, but at the same time find it somewhat thrilling. Patience implies that you are waiting for something. Anytime we wait for something, we have the temptation of settling for something else. This was always such a frustration when it came to the man I wanted to marry. As a little kid, I started to daydream about my perfect man. He was 6’4”, dark brown hair, baby blue eyes, tan skin, and a smile that screamed Crest Fresh Breath.

As I grew up, I began to pray for him to. I would pray for his heart, his protection, his sexual purity, his knowledge of God’s Word, his heart for a family, his respect of his mother and father, his laughter, his embrace, and his purpose that God has blessed him with. The problem was that as I prayed more for his character, his image began to fade. I remember that as a teenager, my view of what my husband would look like became almost blurred in my imagination…that is everything but his nose. I remember telling a friend in high school that I would know my husband by the ridge of his nose. I still hold true to that today, but it is so much more about what his heart is like.

That being said, it is rather tough to wait for someone who you have no guide to look for, other than that character. And you can’t really know someone’s character until you sit down and invest in them. But what if we could have more of a solid guideline to look for? How often do you hear a Christian woman claim, “God, if you could just give me a first name it would save a lot of heartbreak.” Well, what if I told you I could save you some heartbreak without giving you a name at all?

Think about my coffee addiction. From a young age I have loved coffee. That sweet and tempting aroma that would pull me into any nearby coffee shop, the way the Starbucks cup would fit so comfortably in my hand, the horrible yet cheerful reminder of coffee breath during church service greet your neighbor times. It has been a big part of my life.

When I first decided to alter my coffee lifestyle, I opted for the cheap route. I stripped my coffee of its yummy goodness to straight black. It was bitter, it was somewhat disgusting, but a few drops of my Vanilla Stevia each morning in it, and I was set. It wasn’t what I wanted, but it was a cheap and quick fix to my craving. You see, sometimes when we try and find alternate routes to still getting the same fill for what we want, it can be dissatisfying and even a turn-off. Sure, it isn’t the worst option. I mean it is better than not having coffee at all right? But, it takes a little getting used to, because we are trained to crave the “good stuff”, and the bitterness is unsettling. That bitterness triggers within us the realization that we have to become used to the new fix.

I have seen countless men and women settle for the same thing in relationships. They get so tired of waiting that they throw themselves into a situation that feels a little off, or bitter, but they grow accustomed to it, and therefore it’ll do for the time being. The problem is…they eventually grow tired or wearisome from settling for something that they don’t really want.

After two months of Americanos and regular coffees, my body knew I was dissatisfied with my choice. I decided to rid myself of coffee altogether. This is another approach I’ve seen to patience. Some people take themselves “out of the game” altogether to avoid choosing the wrong person. The problem is that you aren’t going to get to know someone’s character if you aren’t willing to invest some time getting to know them. Sure there is risk, but if there wasn’t then finding someone who truly meets what you need and vice versa wouldn’t be as rewarding.

There is that word again, “need”. This is what is most rewarding slash shocking in my choice to try coffee again. During the time that I gave it up, I found that my body likes something far different from coffee…water. As silly as it may be, my body craves water all the time. I have tried three times now to have a cup of coffee but it just won’t do. I take about three sips and toss it! I just did it again as I was writing this to you. That Skinny Peppermint Mocha…in the trash a few feet from me.

See, I used to love coffee. I LOVED coffee. I grew up on it, much like I grew up on the perfect daydream of what my husband would look like. It was my ideal, and I had grown so used to what I wanted I entirely wrote of what I needed. My body can’t stand coffee now because I have tasted something far better. Something that is unlike anything I have ever wanted, but something that is exactly what I needed.

That is the beauty of patience. See, we can’t kill off any hope in our lives by running away from dating. Nor should we settle for cheap options of what we could get used to. But perhaps if we tried something else, our hearts would realize what they have been missing. My new relationship is thriving, but more importantly I am realizing that it looks nothing like my skinny peppermint mocha, but boy is it perfectly fit for what I need, so much so that my body doesn’t even want the other junk anymore.

Those guidelines shouldn’t be physically looking for a type, or demanding a head’s up from God by a first name, but instead it should be knowing what we need. This starts by trying things other than our ideals, and keeping the biblical expectations that we have of our spouse in place. I’m not saying to go on a drinking rampage trying everything in the fridge, or on the shelf, but I am saying know what character you are looking for in the person you date, and be willing to test out different forms that it may come in.

I guess, for me at least, there really is such a thing as a tall glass of water ;)

Just something to think about,

Love Kendra

Only Time Will Tell...

Two years ago I was writing a letter to a friend who I had hoped to be in a relationship with to this day. I told him that I was certain that he knew exactly how I felt about him, and the fact that he was remaining entirely disinterested was far too much for a woman of my impatience to bear any longer. As dramatic as I could possibly have communicated it with him, it was my final and last romantic gesture in bargaining for his attention with a guilt-ridden plea for closure.

Isn’t it funny how things can change? Here I am, two years later, with a man who loves the Lord with his entire heart supporting me as I write my words to you. I, Kendra Shannon Wise, am taken. Twenty-one years of being single and that is by far one of the most awkward yet rewarding statements that I have ever made. I can’t lie to you, being in a relationship is nothing like what I thought it would be and, being only a few short weeks in, I honestly can’t recall what exactly I thought it would be.

The story? Entirely God’s to tell. With each step of this relationship, I have seen God move in ways that are so vivid and so evident that denying His orchestrating of the events leading up to it would be completely foolish! Is my boyfriend my husband? Only time will tell. But it is the uncertainty, the unknown, the reliance on God’s plan that has challenged my own thinking of relationships in general. Here I thought that I was an expert on the lead-in stage. I could tell any man and any woman how to pursue, be pursued, and treat one another in such a way that the relationship would be entirely utilized for the glory of God. The problem with such prideful and arrogant claims, is that they often shatter when under the pressure of experimentation in one’s own life.

For me, my claim to fame was the idea that dating was to remain as dating. We were to not be afraid of asking one another out to spend intentional time together, getting to know one another. Relationships were therefore an extension of dating, the choice to no longer date several people but focus on one person, hoping that in time, it would be revealed if the two are to get married. Marriage, the beginning stage of life united together, is then chosen by those who have committed themselves to one another in such a long-lasting way, that they are affirming it through vows, a certificate, and standing before there most beloved friends in hopes of being held accountable to their commitment.

I still agree with my original thought. I still think that we should keep dating as dating, but I don’t know if I fully believe that you are to know who you are going to marry within the first week, month, year, or even several years of an intentional relationship. This is where people will probably disagree. You see, in the Christian circle, we like to play the “God card” often times when it comes to breaking things off with one another. We share that we just don’t think God has allowed our plans to work together in a way that “fits”, so we copout and break it off.

My original idea was that dating was used to find one person to step into a relationship with, but I never really processed through what the relationship stage of dating entailed. The first thing I have learned is that this stage of the relationship isn’t marriage. When you embark in a new relationship, you don’t suddenly get the benefits of a marriage as a result of pre-committing yourself to someone. It isn’t a sense of entitlement, and in fact, I think there is even more pressure through this stage to protect and guard your heart, and the heart of the one you are with.

I think we have this jaded perception that once we change our Facebook statuses, we “win”. We now “get to” do things together that we hadn’t in the dating stage. We get to become physical, let our guard down, fall in love, and essentially give ourselves fully to the relationship, knowing that it is headed towards marriage. But what if is isn’t? What if we assume that any relationship we enter into isn’t going to end at the alter? Then why on earth would you even date that person in the first place? Because you can’t know who your husband or wife is after one date. You can’t even know who your husband or your wife is after several.

Yes, I do believe that there is this concept of a “feeling” that people get. I have heard several pastors stand on stage and describe the minute their wife walked into the room for the first time, God told him that they would be married. But sometimes I think we expect that feeling so much so that if we don’t get it, we think we should walk away. That is the problem with feelings. God can utilize feelings to urge us in our choices, just as much as He can use His Word, other people, and life experiences. But if we start to put too much of an emphasis on feelings alone we can begin to miss out on opportunities that perhaps Christ has blessed us with, or let go of ones that could be exactly what we need.

I have seen so many friends wait for that feeling. I had a friend once who thought she had that feeling with this one guy, who turned out to be a total jerk after playing games with her through their entire relationship, eventually leading to a broken heart. She explained that she thought he was the one, but now is happily married to an entirely different person. My question that I have been wrestling with is what if that feeling doesn’t come. Or, what if that feeling comes when we least expect it?

I have another friend who explains that her and her husband now started out as friends, not even thinking of one another romantically. It wasn’t until far into their relationship that she could even envision marrying him, but now they are happily married. She explained that it took time, and investing in one another to really know if they were someone to join in life with.

It makes me nervous to think that we aren’t maintaining the same mentality through dating that we are through a relationship. I don’t know where God is going to call me after graduation in May. I don’t know if my relationship will remain long distance for more than this year, or if God will beautifully orchestrate our plans to fit together. But if God has already led me to where I am with my boyfriend now, then why not trust that He will continue to move?

In trusting in that alone, I am also readying my heart to listen. My boyfriend is first and foremost God’s son. He has a plan, giftings, and a will by God to do what he has been called to do. I will always view him as God’s son before he is ever my boyfriend. I am not taking ownership for someone who isn’t mine, and not expecting my plan to be the one that he follows. In return, he gives me the same respect in understanding that God has called me to minister to college women, and our relationship is centered on building one another up in Christ, and letting God take hold of this relationship.

Obviously it is far easier for me to say that I am doing that, because you have to remember this is fresh and new. Some of you will read this and claim that I am naïve. You are exactly right. I am naïve, I have never done this before. But my prayer isn’t that I’m telling you how to live your lives, but that you watch the journey I am on through these discoveries, and hopefully take hold of some of the truth that comes out of them.

In viewing my boyfriend in such a way, I can’t give an answer when asked how it will end. I have my desire and my hope, but I can’t predict what is going to happen, and that would be true if he lived down the street or four hundred miles away from me. What I can do is assure you that I am not living in a way that suggests I do know the future. I think this is how relationships often work. We act as though we know exactly how it is going to end. I don’t. I am not going to pretend I do and that is why I have still maintained boundaries in my emotional, physical, and spiritual aspects of my time in relationship.

I am letting my guard down. But just because you let your guard down doesn’t necessarily mean that you give yourself away. Think of a castle. There is a drawbridge that lets visitors cross over into the kingdom, but the kingdom is still protected by men, walls, and a gate. Even once the gate is up, there are still several procedures a visitor must go through before entering the court. It requires time, a process, and investing in one another in a healthy way. I just started a relationship. I don’t want to hold my boyfriend’s heart in my hands, I am nowhere near equipped for that or vice versa. I pray that God holds his heart. I pray that God protects his heart and that I can love him by God’s love as well as my own through loving God and revealing to my boyfriend how Christ views him.

This may take all of the romance out of the picture for you. Where is the heat? The overwhelming attraction? The passion? The mystery? Honestly. I have had my fair share of heat, overwhelming attraction, passion, and mystery and I have been left not only hurt but also broken from it. I would way rather build a relationship based on God’s love, for when it comes to my own love I am jaded, sinful, selfish, and lustful. I pray that the romance comes through knowing and appreciating one another. I pray that the romance is steady, healthy, and growing. I pray that intimacy comes in time, through prayer and trust in God’s plan, and investing in one another. I don’t want to fast pass each beautiful stage of what relationship entails. I want to embrace it.

So there you have it. Things are changing for me each day, but I pray to walk through this as much as I did in my singleness with you, so that you can be the first to hear all that I am learning as a result. Just because I am taken doesn’t mean that my words aren’t valid in relation to living as a single woman. I still have some pretty quality experience, and perhaps now as I step into this new chapter of my life, you can watch God grow and stretch each one of my views in the next stage of what dating brings.

My hope and prayer for you today is that you challenge yourself with what romance should look like in your own life. I could be entirely wrong, I could be so far from what God’s idea of relationship should look like, but something tells me that there is nothing wrong with taking the time to figure that out! I’d way rather take a slow and steady pace before I rush past what Christ had intended for this season. Thanks for reading!


Love,

Kendra

A Sister for Your Mister

"Brother", "Sister", "Friend"...In the Christian world, we deem one another blood-relational pet names to avoid confusion of sending mixed messages. Christian terms of endearment were established by someone who wanted to passively communicate "You and I have no romantic feelings for one another." Okay, so perhaps these titles didn't originate from this type of motivation, but if you've spent any time in a Christian circle lately, you know it is true. By suggesting your friendship to that of one that is blood related, you are implying to the other person one of two things:

1. We are so close but I'd NEVER date you.

2. I know you like me but kissing you would be like kissing my COUSIN.

Although in some parts of the country that'd be socially acceptable, we should probably come to grips with the fact that no one wants to be thought of by someone that they are attracted to as "related". The kicker is when the word "little" is thrown into the mix. First, you called me your sibling and now you have to twist the dagger by adding a hint of belittlement to the phrase?

Now, some of you may argue that these words genuinely can be used to affirm friends of your closeness. I would entirely agree with that. My friend from home and I have called each other "bro" and "sis" for the past 7 years. We both know that we'd never date though and that is why there is no hidden motivation in using the terms. We've communicated clearly our expectations of one another, and romance isn't one of them.

I've seen several women on the flip-side of this concept. A friend of mine in high school would give men the idea that she was their "little sister". So much so that she'd make them comfortable enough to share their hearts and invest quality time in the relationship, all under the false sense of security that she viewed them platonically. Once that trust was built, she would use it as leverage to present herself as a real catch, claiming that she was the only one who understood them or that their connection ran deep.

By seeing each other as "Christian siblings", we can run the risk of experiencing similar situations. I personally believe that we should restore the use of the terms to genuinely meaning seeing each other as the body of Christ. This may get far too spiritual for your taste, but I'd personally rather have the terms remain genuine and to the point than a sneak attack DTR bypass any day.

See, being brothers and sisters should mean that we keep one another's hearts at the forefront of our interactions. Family provides protection. Family means that we understand one another, seek to love each other and develop relationships that keep one another's integrity in check. If I wanted to kiss a cousin I'd ask one of mine on a date. I don't want to view the man of my dreams as someone related to me. Let your brothers be brothers and your boyfriends be boyfriends.

This is where it gets a little tricky. So many of my friends ask me my view on friendship prior relationship. Although it can be done, I don't know if I believe it is ideal. I think getting to know someone outside of romantic interest provides a realistic perspective of who they are. The minute romance enters the picture, it is far easier to throw character flaws to the wind and "just go for it." I hate that mentality. When you've been guarding your heart as long as I have, you be believe I'm not about to throw anything anywhere.

The problem I see developing with this "friends first" concept is the struggle to maintain healthy physical chemistry later on. As I said before, I'm not about to kiss a cousin so if I am involved in a strong friendship with someone I am far less likely to view them as someone I would date. I struggle to mentally transition from friend to boyfriend. If he is a good friend of mine I will often be rather hesitant in moving forward for the risk of losing the closeness that we do have. I don't care what people say, once physical intimacy has started, the friendship won't ever be the same.

So what is a boy to do? I mean is there a solid testing ground for friendships to try dating without being ruined if it doesn't work out? I believe that there is. It is called a date, and you should try it out. Not a marriage, engagement, commitment, or status change on Facebook but a real date. In fact, if it is a close friend I'd even go as far as suggesting a few of them to try things out.

Now here is the best piece of advice I could give you. Boundaries. Have clear set boundaries before entering the date, as you should with anyone you go out with. I don't mean sit the person down and tell them that this is what you expect, but know in your own heart and mind what you are looking for out of it. I don't think you could ever be too careful in letting the physical aspect of the date go at a slow but steady pace. Don't dive right in to having to make out with your closest guyfriend to see if there is something more. Rather ease into the romantic mindset of enjoying one another's company in the date setting. That step alone will be crucial in transitioning to more if this is someone you genuinely want to be with.

Honestly, I do love a good surprise every now and then and for me, I've realized the beauty in dating someone who originated as a friend. I think it is such an incredible thing to be able to be there for one another without the hidden manipulation of wanting more out of it. I still don't know if it is ideal, but I do believe that it can lay a strong foundation for something that is long-lasting rather than temporary. That is why I do think if you start to make that transition you should take your time with it, because it is definitely a process!

Lastly, please do yourself a favor and tell the person you aren't interested in that you enjoy them as a friend and friend alone. I would far more appreciate a guy sitting me down and telling me that he isn't feeling it over calling me his little sister to get the point across. I still call several women in my life "sister" and men "brother". I think the terms can be used with the right intention in mind, but I'd challenge you to check your heart the next time you get into a similar situation. I think it is far more sisterly to say exactly what you mean rather than beat around the bush and leave him guessing!

Love,

Kendra S. Wise

The Waiting Game

“When the going get’s tough…”, “Making lemons into…”, “When you get kicked off of that horse…”, “Try, try and…” Sayings are quite common these days when life gets tough. When things get hard it seems as though there is a universal mentality to push through for if you don’t you will fail. This is common sense. If you don’t try then you won’t succeed. But what about when you do try, in fact you continue to try and try and try and still find yourself exactly where you started?

Did you know that several people have commented on how lucky the man is who gets to marry me? I love it. I really do! It is just such a sweet reminder that someday someone will be blessed by the relationship that we can have together. The problem is that the comments tend to be bittersweet, especially when they suggest that perhaps I am just to be patient. You see, being patient is something I thrive in. In fact I am so good at being patient that I tend to miss out on several opportunities. The upside is that I also miss out on several negative situations and thus remain protected as well.

The real problem is waiting. There is a BIG difference to me from waiting versus being patient. See, patience relies on staying put with no intended outcome. For instance, I could be patient in wanting a husband one day. I don’t necessarily know who it is or when I’ll meet him but I am perfectly content staying put until God makes it very clear. Now “staying put” is somewhat of a stretch because I tend to be an actively patient person, meaning that I will utilize the time I do have for better things such as writing this book or learning a new talent like guitar playing, or investing in a ministry opportunity. Waiting is the concept of knowing what outcome will be and having to wait to receive it. For instance, if I have someone in mind who I would like to get to know on a more personal level, but knowing that the timing is off right now. That kind of waiting I officially suck at.

Now you may think that they are the same, but for me my life is testimony to the truth of my two definitions. I was patient for over a year for someone. I had no solid affirmation that anything would happen at the end of the year, but I still stayed put, knowing that I could be patient forever if he needed it. It was entirely unrealistic, and perhaps that is what hooked me in. Now how it ended was not entirely his fault, for I also remained silent during the patience period. This is one that I still have no idea how to act in. How do you treat someone you like as though you don’t, knowing this isn’t the right time, but still give him the confidence to pursue you in the future? You’ll have to ask someone else about that one!

The waiting game is so much more about taking signals, guessing, assuming, idealizing, and romanticizing things. It puts everything on a dramatic scale from text messages to late night chats to silly gestures to whatever it may be! Women, including myself, become oversensitive to actions and become so analytical that they talk themselves into or out of falling for that person on a deeper level. This has happened to me numerous times in my life. It actually almost puts my over-guilty conscience into a state of wanting to apologize for it. I actually find myself feeling sorry to the guy who I like for making such a big deal about things!

As I was expressing this to a friend earlier today, she gave me a piece of advice that I will never forget. She told me that we should expect. That word “expect”, it freaks me out a bit. I have never been one to EXPECT someone would fall for me. I have always just assumed that a guy wouldn’t until he said something about it. As over-dramatizing women can be about the waiting period, they shouldn’t feel sorry for taking actions incorrectly if they are depicted in the real world as misleading. For instance, if a man spends all his time with you, woos you, and gives you the impression he wants more, then you shouldn’t be sorry for taking things wrongly. It is so difficult though because it isn’t black and white.

I have seen so many women be led on by men by taking certain things wrongly. Sometimes, it is a little ridiculous the things that they do take as men pursuing them. Once I had a friend tell me she though this guy was interested because he needed help on his homework. The poor kid genuinely needed help on his homework! It is like guys don’t have a chance anymore just to be nice! But on the flipside I had another friend who was treated as a guy’s girlfriend for a few months until he said something about how he wasn’t interested…she was crushed, but almost felt like she had made it all up in her head. I personally got to watch the situation unfold, and I can tell you that it most definitely wasn’t her fault alone!

So what is a girl to do? When a guy likes me, I give him the confidence to ask me out by being supportive, encouraging, and caring. I treat him and him alone a specific way so that if he asked around or saw me interact with other guys there would be no question in his mind that he is special. It is honestly the best I can do without spelling it out for him. If a guy still isn’t taking the hint, then I get stuck. I still want a guy to pursue me. I don’t want to have to be the one who says it first or asks him out. A friend of mine went ten hours out of his way once to just talk to the girl he liked, so I know guys have it in them. If he doesn’t ask me out I take it as him not being interested and move on. Once I did that with a friend of mine, then after I had already moved on he told me that he liked me. I was crushed. He told me that sometimes guys just need more time. This still puts the girl in a tough situation! So are you saying I should 1.Give a guy confidence to ask me out. 2. Wait for the one I do want. 3. If he isn’t interested give him time. Okay, but then what if there are other opportunities happening all around me that I am missing out on as a result, especially if the guy doesn’t end up feeling the same?

You probably would give me the advice that if I “really like him” it shouldn’t matter. I agree with you, but my heart has been hurt so many times before that just sitting there, turning down other offers, and waiting like some love sick puppy makes me feel vulnerable, afraid, and like my defenses are down. It is in this stage that Satan begins to play on my insecurities, “You aren’t good enough.” “If you were just (fill in the blank)” “You should just find someone else, he doesn’t care about you anyway.” It is awful and I feel like a fool. The biggest fear of my life is that I will not follow the will of God. That fear alone has kept me entirely locked up from any man trying to pursue me.

So the whole game puts to me is just a lose-lose situation, and why would I want to invest in that? Because sometimes, regardless of how much you don’t want to, you can’t help it. Sometimes you don’t get to choose when to give up, or when to stop caring. Sometimes regardless of their desire for you, you will still desire them. That is what I learned today. I learned that the waiting game isn’t a game at all, it is more of stage of life and relationship. It is necessary because it challenges you to grow. I have had to rely on the Lord more and more through it because two sinful, damaged people will fail each other. Regardless of sending and receiving messages, two people in any situation will still benefit one another if they are earnestly seeking God’s will in their lives.

This is what my book is about, it is about what to do in this process. It is about how to be pursued, to pursue, and to live in a way that restores opportunities to being genuine opportunities, manipulation aside! It is time to do this, for reals!

This Kiss!

Have you ever seen a metronome? It allows you to choose the speed at which you’d like to perform a piece of music, and keeps you in line with a short ticking or beeping sound. I wish there was something like a metronome in relationships. Sometimes I think that we are so adamant about selecting a speed at the beginning, and suddenly tuning it out as we go about our relationships. I had a friend once tell me that he and his girlfriend of two weeks had set a goal of not kissing until they were engaged…two weeks later, it happened and their plan quickly changed.

Goals are tough. I am currently in a battle with my weight of trying to reach a healthy number on the scale. I have a specific goal for December, and have already made large strides in getting there. The problem is that I don’t expect to simply lose the weight. I have to take precautions, such as sticking to healthy foods, working out on a daily basis, drinking large amounts of water throughout the day, and finding the time to sleep at least six to eight hours. Those are realistic ways in which I can aim to reach the long-term goal in this moment.

The minute that we forget the in-between time we have little hope of achieving the idealistic outcome. Although it is common sense, we can also go entirely the opposite way in making our daily choices unrealistic, disciplinary, and over-bearing. Last night I indulged in a few Hershey kisses and felt so guilty for essentially “cheating” on my goals. The problem is that the few pieces of chocolate I had really had no affect on the outcome, nor were they “bad for me”. If we aren’t careful, we can suddenly make the things that aren’t bad awful, and cheat ourselves out of enjoying the little things we used to love.

So where is the happy medium? A speaker a few years back came to Biola and brought to the stage a married couple. She explained the steps that normal couples “should” take which ranged from a hug, to a hand-hold, to a peck on the cheek, to a kiss. The final kiss wasn’t a full make-out. She explained that kissing isn’t necessarily bad, it is when it is taken to the point of lusting, falling, or leading towards something inappropriate that it should be stopped.

But how do you stop something that essentially feels good? Last night I had a whole bowl of Hershey kisses sitting in front me. To avoid eating the whole thing I grabbed ten out of the bowl and placed them next to me on the couch. I took my time, eating one every so often. Not only was I satisfied at the end, but I enjoyed it and I didn’t want to eat any more! For some people, ten may sound overindulging, for others it may seem like I was a chocolate Nazi of some sort! For me, it was just right.

That is why I don’t think you can ever give someone “10 Basic Principles to a Glorifying Relationship”, or “How to be Pure with Your Boyfriend”. I think it has to stem from knowing yourself, your heart, and your intentions. I personally don’t know if I could kiss someone and walk away knowing that it should just end there. Then again, if I am blessed enough to have someone who knows my past and my insecurities enough to help me not be in situations where I could jeopordize my goals, then maybe a short kiss could be something realistic?

I can tell you one thing though, I will want to hold my boyfriend’s hand. I will want to embrace the little things and appreciate them for what they are. I don’t want to feel guilty because I am expressing my care for someone in a way that I wouldn’t personally deem as inappropriate, or leading somewhere. I think you have to first ask yourself where your limitations are. I think second you need to discuss with who you are dating what you both hope to see as a goal in your relationship, whether physically, emotionally, spiritually. I also think as dorky as it may sound, that you should pray through the realistic daily choices you need to make in order to get there! So whether it is a Hershey kiss, or a real one, I’d ask you to take an approach that doesn’t land you in guilt and shame for the good nor one that lands you in indulging in the bad! Just a thought J

Kendra

P.s.-By setting the pace together for your relationship, perhaps the metronome becomes God, your hearts, and being held accountable to your goals all wrapped into one!

When Riding a Bike...

Yesterday on my ride home from the bank I was flying down Beach Boulevard with the wind in my hair, not a care in the world! I was so caught up in my own free version of Thunder Mountain Railroad that I may have accidentally missed the sidewalk entirely and landed in a bush. Well, as I was enjoying my sudden jolt into Disney’s Jungle Cruise, a thought ran across my mind…if I had simply pumped the brakes a tad bit I would most likely have not landed in this ridiculous predicament. In order not to look like an entire fool, I began fussing with the gears and checking the chains pretending as though something had gone wrong…that something was my own ignorance. Regardless, I hoped on the bike and was off a grueling twenty minutes of California heat left on my ride, yet for some reason I was too busy to notice as my mind went racing.

Riding a bike is no simple task. I didn’t learn until I was around nine or ten years old. Yes, I understand that it is a little ridiculous, but some adults go their entire lives without knowing how to stray away from training wheels. I even remember a bike ride when I was younger where my sister threatened to tell on some neighborhood girls who kept pestering me about my training wheels dragging on the back. The saddest part of the whole ordeal was that I had a normal kid bike so we just attached some extra wheels but it looked ridiculously out of the norm. Not going to lie, if I saw my child self-peddling along on that thing nowadays I probably would have poked fun too!

Riding to and from school I’ve started to master the art of coasting. Once you get that bike to a certain point, you can basically coast for a good length of the road without much effort. The other day I started to realize how much I had forgotten the one rule of coasting…when going downhill you GAIN speed. Now, many of you may be rolling your eyes, but unfortunately the forgetting of this rather common sense concept was what landed me in the dumb bush in the first place. I forgot so quickly that coasting often is a way of you to check out from what you are doing. The same thing happens sometimes when I drive home from work. I always manage to get home safely, and I never fall asleep at the wheel, but sometimes I completely forgot how I got from point A to point B! Scary.

When we let ourselves go on autopilot we are at risk of missing out on what is happening in the moment. A good friend of mine told me last night the importance of experiencing what is happening now and appreciating it for what it is. It is such a simple concept, which is most likely why it is so easy to forget! The problem is that the more checked out we become, the faster life seems to flash by. Graduation is right around the corner and I don’t want to let this year become another of simply coasting through. I get too concerned with the future, and so focused on what is to come that I entirely forget about what is happening in the moment!

Not only do I forget, but sometimes I check out to protect myself. You see, I have one of the most blessed lives out there. I have an incredible family, wonderful friends, and each day I get to serve God, which is pretty legit. There are several times though in which I expect that the best moments in my life will be quickly followed by the worst. It is horrible thinking but I swear I have this idea somehow that when good things are happening something bad has to be around the corner. I have been reading James and it is all about allowing yourself to be challenged by trials. I think sometimes I assume that trials are necessary for me to grow and thus the times of good are going to be followed by something terrible so I can learn. It is awful but checking out or expecting the worst is just as bad as coasting through it!

God has been teaching me that it is in these times of blessing which thanksgiving is so much more vivid! That should never stop in the times of hardship, but it gives me time to reflect and appreciate the love that the Father pours out! Praise Him for these times for it is in them that I can truly grow in my ability to see and understand more of His love! Just a little reminder, especially on my rides that it isn’t about getting home the quickest route, but enjoying each moment along the way!

Love,

Kendra

Ms. Know It All

Dear Readers,

I apologize for the ridiculous amount of time that has passed since our last encounter. I wish I could tell you that I was off on a thrilling adventure, or too busy taking my own advice and falling in love, but to avoid blatantly lying through my teeth I might as well tell you that I just so happened to be doing a whole lot of nothing. It was sheer laziness with a hint of preservation of my own vulnerability that has kept my typing hands locked away for hours upon end. Although I don’t think much of what I would have written would have been too helpful these last few months due to some rather “confusing” and “thought-consuming” controversies I had been processing through on love. But I LOVE to keep you guessing as you already know so we will just have to watch that one unravel a bit later.

Where do I start today? Well currently, I am bloated, sweaty, and a bit on the stinky side after a wonderful but deodorant testing weekend at Dana Point with my leadership team. The humidity was rather unwelcoming and left my hair with a parting favor of frizz and grease. As much fun as I did have though, I would have to say it was rather worth it. Here I am, 21-years-old, starting what is supposed to be one of the most thrilling years of a girl’s life and I’m sitting typing away living in some fantasy land of boundaries, how-to’s, and what not to do’s.

You know, one thing I have taken away from this summer (among several of course), is that perhaps being your faithful dating advisor is that I am entirely out of the loop when it comes to really putting my stuff into practice. Next Saturday I will be standing in a wedding of two incredible individuals, pouring their hearts out for one another and glorifying the Lord in the union of their commitment to one another for life. How beautiful is that? The crazy thing is that one of the main reasons I have received such an honor of standing near the bride is due to her utilizing much of what I stand for and write in her relationship with her fiancé. She is getting married! Hello...I mean if someone else can put it to such good use than what on earth am I doing wrong?

To be honest…quite a lot. Two summers ago I was an idiot. I fell for someone entirely unrealistic and it landed me in a downward spiral of questioning and over-analyzing that no woman should, yet all women do bare. Why do we do that to ourselves? We spend so much energy telling ourselves that we should “just let it go”, “he isn’t the one”, “wait for Mr. Perfect”. We find every excuse in the world to somehow protect ourselves from physical imperfections to terrible relationships with their mothers and yet the more time we spend so enthralled by convincing ourselves out of something we wind up smack dab in the middle of falling in flove!

*Flove (Fake Love): Our idealistic, over-dramatized concept of what love should be based off of chick flicks, Nicholas Sparks, and Taylor Swift

Don’t get me wrong, I believe that love should be an experience that truly flourishes and grows daily, but for some reason I have all these silly preconceptions of how it SHOULD be. Then I end up scaring myself out of any opportunity of it as a result of not even knowing what a real, genuine love looks like. Take my parents for example, their love has lasted several years and is one of the best representations of a relationship I hope to one day model, but I never got to see how it all began. No one has ever told me how it all is supposed to begin? Perhaps because it isn’t SUPPOSED to begin any sort of way, it just does.

You know, as I write this book I feel like the biggest piece of advice I could give a girl is not to follow my example of how I lived, but how to take the wisdom I gained from my mistakes without having to experience the mistakes herself. The problem is that for each individual those mistakes will appear different. I can advise and counsel and work through situations with each person that asks me how to “solve” their relationship troubles, but that doesn’t change the fact that it will always be THEIRS.

So, what does that look like for me? I used to have this picture of a man pursuing me in a way that was so honest. I wanted someone to tell me straight up that they wanted to pursue me, I’m the kind of girl that needs that after what I’ve been through because honestly the whole actions speak louder than words thing for me is a bit tough to fathom these days. Actions can be entirely misinterpreted, but words can affirm or discourage in such a blatant way. That is why I need someone honest, because I trust words far more than what someone does. I know it is usually entirely opposite for people, but hey that is what my past situations have taught me.

A guy pursued me once though who said everything he felt, to the point of freaking me out because I was so taken back by the abruptness of it. I felt as though he was almost needy, or desperate, and ended up calling it quits after one or two dates. That is when I realized that I can have a beautiful concept of what I’m looking for in my head, but sometimes it comes in an entirely different way. I don’t let myself fall too easily these days, but at the same time once the walls are down it is pretty hard for me to build them back up. I’m starting to understand that I know less and less of what I thought I knew about how to be pursued and more and more about how to live in the mystery of it. I’ve learned that I enjoy the mysterious aspect of not fully knowing if someone is crushing on me or not, it is kind of fun! The problem is that any crush with no follow through is just that…a CRUSH.

Standing in between the tension of honesty and mystery has become one of the most challenging things for me as a woman. Mainly because I don’t believe it is my responsibility to blatantly throw out how I feel to someone, especially if their reciprocation of the feeling is in question. So then what? Wait? Be patient? All my life people have told me to wait and be patient. I can wait for hours and days and weeks and months and even years until the Lord makes it clear if or who or that there is a man for me, but what I am still asking is what am I to do while I wait? Now that is the real question.

--I’ll write soon,

Kendra

A Change of Perspective

So I am currently working at a camp this summer, and last night on our drive home from an In-N-Out midnight run, I started to register that perhaps this single life I live is a lot more simple than I once understood. Let me explain. Yesterday during church the pastor shared a story of how his wife once had cancer. During that time he surrendered any prayer life focused on asking God to take that cancer away. He explained that several people believed him to be a poor husband because he chose to do so, but then he related it to when his kids come and ask him for food. When his children say they are hungry, he doesn’t ask them to prove to him that they are legitimately starving, but rather he finds an appropriate choice of food to feed them with. He doesn’t give them what they necessarily want, like pancakes and ice cream, but he gives them what he knows they need to live a healthy life.

As I sat there and listened, the thought of my prayer life being surrounded on one thing came into my head. While I do believe it is beneficial to pray to God about the things we both want and need, the pastor explained that we should go beyond the prayers that God already knows. In fact, he even shared that God isn’t deaf, so if we repeatedly ask and ask and ask, it isn’t that He is ignoring us or doesn’t hear it, it is that His will is for us to not receive that within the moment, or perhaps not at all. So how does this relate? Well, to me, I started to understand that rather than spending countless hours praying against having a desire to be married or in relationship, I should instead surrender in a different sense. I’ve never really thought about not asking God for someone to share my life with. He knows that I so desire to be in a relationship one day, so instead of asking Him on a daily basis to live against that desire, I want to focus my attention to other aspects of life, trusting in the fact that God knows my heart and what I long for.

As we drove back to camp last night we played a game about who on staff we would rather marry. Although it was fun, I have to admit, it got me thinking for sure. Why is it that we compare one person to another? This morning on my walk I took a break midway and talked with God about the physical body that I have. I am so blessed to have an active and healthy body, one that I can run and jump and dance with. I am not a small girl nor big, but I don’t take care of myself in the way that I should. I don’t eat what is good from me and I don’t exactly workout on a regular basis. This is the body I am blessed with however, and I’m learning that taking care of it is a way which I can worship the Lord. Last night during the game I found myself questioning what comparisons men would make about me. Not going to lie, the majority of their answers included an explanation of the physical appearance of the girls they were comparing. What a dangerous game! As I walked away after the car ride, I turned to my friend and shared that the game we were playing could be rather insulting.

Although the men didn’t really read into it as much, I started to look at myself as someone who would be available to pursue. I am in the body that I have been blessed with, and one day I will hopefully be attractive to a man who I in turn appreciate physically. That is the nicest way I can put that I want my man to be hot as can be, and in return I want to be just as hot to him. Being at camp, I’m starting to gain a better understanding of who I am. I am learning things I love, things I hate, things that make me happy and things that make me frustrated. As I am learning, I am also becoming more and more comfortable in my own skin. I am tired of constantly seeking to be skinnier or a size smaller or physically compatible with someone I like. The truth is that if I am not what that person is looking for, I’d rather have my heart spared and press into God’s will.

That is the other thing that I talked through with God this morning. I thanked the Lord for all the pain I have been spared from relationally. In high school and college I thought I was just that much of a turn-off to not gain the attention of the boys I would be attracted to. Although that probably factors in (that isn’t a diss to myself, but a little bit realistic), I think a lot of it has to do with God protecting me. So now that I have stopped asking for it to be taking away, or to have a relationship one day and I’m learning to view myself as a woman that God delights in, I’m starting to enjoy each day a bit more! In fact, I haven’t felt this spirit-filled since Freshmen year of college, and I’m honestly just loving being used in this place! I know this was a bit scatterbrained, but I am in camp mode and I just thought I would share with you where I am at!

Love,

Kendra

When Time Stands Still

Good afternoon my lovely readers, although there are only 13 of you in total I still want to thank you for being patient with me as finals have put me at a complete stop in my writing. When I went home for break I was determined to make my goal of three chapters completed, and came back to Los Angeles with only one and a half even done.

That is the thing about goals sometimes, we have to make them realistic in order for us to actually accomplish them on our own two feet. Then again, any accomplishment I've ever made has not been without the incredible power of God alongside me, and I mean that. So maybe then my goals shouldn't be necessarily realistic, because realistic would be me getting anything done at all, but rather marked by a characteristic of faith that they would one day be accomplished.

So here I am, sitting at the bread shop on the corner across from school, writing to you before I embark on the next adventure of my life. I will be spending two months at a camp in Santa Rosa, California, being somewhat of a head female counselor and program runner. I am excited, to say the least, but I hope to get some prime time writing in before I return home!

The other day I was privileged to meet up with some friends from my study abroad program in New Zealand. As my friend from California left the table to grab some napkins, I took the time to apologize for my lack of maturity during my stay there. They welcomed my apology but on my way home I started to consider the pattern I have been making for myself.

When I left New Zealand I had to make a choice between Biola and Texas. I chose Biola out of faith that I knew God wanted me to return. In order to transition back in, I e-mailed my professors and apologized for who I was my first two years at the school. I wasn't a crazy partier or anything, but I did my fair share of being lazy, turning in assignments late, and even missing class. So I wrote the e-mail, and heard back from a few encouraging me to return to Biola in order to show the change that God had done in my life.

As I drove home from dinner last night, I realized this pattern of being someone I'm not, leaving, growing, and then apologizing is not a good one to set for myself as I journey into the real world. Here I am, about to take part in another important time of my life, and the last thing I would want to do is go through it, leave and write an apology letter months later for not being the woman I am. Thankfully, God has blessed me with this realization now.

I never was one to ask forgiveness versus permission, but perhaps that was because my entire lifestyle was a testimony to that concept, so I just never saw myself actually acting it out. I am so tired of being the woman who choses to grow after the situation has happened. I consider myself a rather honest person, never afraid to speak my mind. Perhaps I should, with discernment and grace, begin speaking it a little bit more in the moment than months after. I've missed out on several opportunities in my life because of this way of thinking, and I'm rather sick of it.

Praise God for self awareness. As I journey into this new chapter, I ask God for the ability to see when I start to fall into that pattern again. I don't want to be someone who has to constantly go back and prove myself. It all started my first summer on camp at Tadmor. I hated who I was that first year, so I returned the second year and was so busy trying to prove myself, I forget the heart of why I was there in the first place. Then, I found Discovery, where I was given a wake-up call that no matter what I did to prove myself, I would never be the "ideal guide", so I had to come to grips with being the ideal Kendra first. That took a lot of humiliation, several failed attempts at rapids I couldn't seem to hit, a one hour rock climbing experience that took other guides about ten to fifteen minutes to complete, and a summer that radically changed my life.

I finally am glad to be exactly where I am, exactly who I am, and I'm not apologizing for who I have been these last few months. I am learning. Of course there are things I will do wrong and things I will need forgiveness for, but rather than not taking daily opportunities to grow and speak and share and be poured into, I want to make sure each moment of the day is seized.

So in that, I am sorry I haven't posted much lately, I have some very important things to share with you, but I wanted you to know where I was during this time! Thanks for listening, and press in during these next few weeks to what God has in store...pray I will be too.

Love,

Kendra

And the walls came tumbling down...

Have you ever fallen for someone that you honestly knew was rather unrealistic? When I was younger I fell for this incredibly handsome young man known as Devon Sawa. You may recall his appearance in the movie “Little Giants” or possibly as Casper’s human version in the last few minutes of the movie. I’m not sure what I liked about him more, the ability he had to be attractive and the friendliest ghost you could know, or possibly that he was so unrealistic I’d never have to be caught off guard at the possibility of it working out.

As much of a joke as it was back then, this mentality followed me through up until my sophomore year of college. It was as though I would deliberately choose to like people who were entirely unavailable as some form of defense mechanism. Take Aaron Conlin for instance. Aaron was someone who I though was one of the most attractive boys that I had met in my entire life. When I first met him however, he had a girlfriend. I was a bit taken aback because I personally don’t really get to know guys who have girlfriends, but I thought I would still be friendly (appropriately of course) and just assume that it would never happen. Well…it didn’t happen.

The thing was that a year or so later Aaron called me up to let me know that him and his girlfriend had ended. He was so sure that I would be willing to run to him now that he was available, but it was during that year that I really let go of any chance of possibly being with him, so when the time came I had already emotionally moved on. The problem was that I didn’t move on until about midway through liking him. I kept my distance and didn’t really get to know him once I realized I had feelings for him, but I still always liked to believe that if he had been single we would have had a quality go at a relationship.

He moved away shortly after revealing that he was interested in me and I haven’t really talked to him since. In fact, it wasn’t until recalling that story that I realized how much thought time I had invested in him during those months of liking him. See, rather than make myself available to those that are actually available I tend to go for the ones that I have about a 90% guarantee will never work out. That way, when it doesn’t end up happening in the long run I don’t get hurt.

You would think this line of thinking was rather crazy, and honestly it has served me a good five years of missing out on incredible opportunity around me, but remaining entirely protected. Last night I revealed to you how much rejection I’ve had in my life. I should also let you in to the fact that I have rejected a few offers here and there on account of my fear of something actually working out. How can a girl who is so relational struggle when something actually goes her way? I think it is because I don’t anticipate having feelings reciprocated, so when it happens I always question the motivation behind it.

Now here is where it gets a little sketchy. Many women, friends, and coworkers claim that I am afraid of relationships because I am insecure. I would like to tell you that it stems directly from that and once I gain a good hold on my confidence, all will be well. The problem is that it is so much more than that. I do struggle with insecurities, as do we all, but it isn’t within them that lies the root of why I protect myself. It comes from a lengthy past of being manipulated to partake in things that I never wanted to. It comes from being taken advantage of by certain men in my life and having to get over the fact that I am worth far more than what my body is capable of doing. This is why it is so hard to trust the motivation behind being pursued, and why I am so good at protecting myself from having to deal with it.

As much as it works, it almost works a bit too well. At the beginning of my spring semester a friend of mine told me that I was intimidating. I asked why and he suggested that I take a look at how independent I am. I never really thought of myself as independent. I mean I would like to think that my relationships are give and take, and that I rely on individuals to support me in my pursuing of what God has called me to do. After a few hours of taking a deep look at myself however, I realized that maybe he was a bit more right than I wanted him to be.

In making a list of boundaries, and setting out to help women become self aware and learn how to appropriately pursue relationships that don’t hinder them in their relationship with the Lord as well as relationships with other people, I have to admit that there is an overprotectiveness that can work against you if you take my advice too far. There definitely is a point in which you need to use my writings in guarding yourself, but I would never suggest to be so protected that you miss out on what God has for you.

This became true in my life this last year. I have been so focused on knowing in my life that I have not met the man who I want to entrust my heart to. I was so sure that God did not introduce me to him yet that I put up a wall in regards to shielding myself from seeing any possible chance of love around me. I have my goals in place for my life. I know what God wants me to do and I am chasing after it with my whole heart. I used to believe that if that were all true, God would bless me in His timing if He wanted me to be married.

Then the inevitable happened. I was approached with an opportunity that I didn’t know how to respond to. I needed time. I needed time to process all that was happening and figure out what it was that I even wanted out of a relationship with someone at this point in my life. Well, once again….nothing happened. Only this time it wasn’t so much that I was closed off to anything happening, I just didn’t know how to phrase it in a way that made it fair to the other person. So much of this came from the boundaries I had placed in my life.

The thing is that I don’t regret that it didn’t work out but I do regret that in the process I lost one of my good friends. As I grow older I’m starting to learn that it is so good to have a strong focus on what I want, that I need to be focused on what I want in order to get there but please, understand me when I say that being focused doesn’t mean that you can discount your desire to be with someone. It isn’t even so much that I want to be with someone specifically, but I used to think that I had to be okay with being alone for the rest of my life because I thought that meant I was somehow strong enough to be. While I don’t think it is okay to tell someone that the man of their dreams is out there when I don’t know if he actually is, I still don’t think you should ever hide the desire you have for relationship, especially from God.

There is this push for women in our society, especially young ladies, to remain pure and naïve and wholesome. In the church we don’t talk about sex drives or desire or passion or lust when it comes to women. How many of you have heard a Pastor say, “Now men….we all know that you struggle visually….” While it may be true that men do struggle I get tired of feeling like we aren’t supposed to have the same tendency. Maybe one sex struggles more than the other in different areas, but I’m so sick of women being told that they are purely emotional beings. If that were true, then when I watch my romantic comedies I wouldn’t want to go make out with the boy next door right after. I would be focused on wanting to be wooed first, but the truth is I’m not.

All of this hushing and quieting of desire is even more of a push to protect you from any inkling of an attraction for someone else. It breaks my heart when women don’t know how to respond to someone being interested in them so they end up shutting down completely. Strength isn’t characterized by having no desire. Strength is characterized by entrusting your desire to God.

In the same way, I can’t expect to be open to a relationship in my life if I’m not willing to let down my walls but keep my boundaries. Boundaries are in place to allow for relationship. Walls are something for you to hide behind. Boundaries are something for you to live by. It is as though I live in a kingdom. I can’t let someone in if they can’t even get in past the gate. I still have protection once they pursue me, but I have to at least be able to see them for pursuing to occur. The walls have to go. Not only are they entirely unnecessary they are hurting me from the chance of being open altogether.

Please, if there is anything for you to take away from my advice. It is that you don’t live by extremes of what I have to offer. I am merely suggesting that you start to look at what trace you are relationally leaving behind, not so much what rules or regulations are necessary for someone to be interested in you. Be open but smart. Don’t be willing to give everything to someone at first glance, but pace yourself in getting to know him or her. That is what the boundaries are even there for.

Thank you so much for reading.

I am a reject.

Five pounds heavier, Cadbury chocolate drool down my cheek, and The Holiday playing off in the distance and I’m still me. Satan plays brutal tricks on me sometimes that I feel as though I can’t handle. Have you ever met those girls that seem to entrance any man that they so desire? It is this incredible ability that I have never fully come to understand. Then these men, bless their hearts, seem to fall deep in love with these women only to find themselves a few weeks in and completely devastated over the heartache that the woman they thought was for them is now gone. Guess the game doesn’t work so well if the participants aren’t fully aware of it.

Tonight I received some news. Rejection. Rejection, rejection, rejection. There is no amount of Ben & Jerry’s that seems to medicate or remedy the emotional and mental trauma that come along with it. I’m not good enough. My stomach is too fat. I have a beauty mark under my left eye that is gross. I have to tweeze my eyebrows or I look like a member of Jacob’s wolf pack. I understand. I get that I may not be exactly what you are looking for. Tonight I discovered that a man who I had found highly attractive my freshmen year fell instantly for the woman that I used to wish to be.

That is the thing about envy. Although it may be all consuming, it seems to come in waves and currently I am or was sitting pretty in regards to my opinion of myself. I don’t think I’m hot. I think I am a true beauty with a solid heart and a willingness to get to know anyone. I have to pull at my jeans to camouflage an extra roll or two of holiday weight gain. My eyeliner never really seems to stay put. My arms wave hello just as much as my hands do. I shuffle when I walk. My hair looks like I just woke up at any point in the day and when I truly smile, my top lip becomes nonexistent. I am imperfect. I am not the woman who I so envied. I don’t have the ability to entrance any man of my choosing, and I’m not someone who the men find ridiculously attractive.

Isn’t it easy to pick ourselves apart? Give me a mirror and I’ll give you fifty reasons why a man would pass by me and not even take a second look. Today I was chatting with a friend over the power of outwardly appearance and the ridiculous stress our society puts on finding someone everyone else considers attractive. There is the key. You see to some of you my imperfections may appear rather unavoidable. You may look at me and suggest I buy a bigger t-shirt, or try wearing a different shade of foundation, or even buy a cheap box of hair dye to fix my roots or enhance my skin tone. The truth is that I care. I wish I could sit here and like so many incredible women say that I don’t but I do.

You know I used to think that my confidence level in God was marked by how much I did or didn’t care about other’s opinions? It is quite the ideal to think that the moment we reach ultimate confidence in Him all insecurities fade away. While it may be true in a moment, it is not necessarily a daily thing for me. I don’t wake up each morning and feel beautiful. I don’t feel not beautiful. I just don’t necessarily have an opinion of myself for the day just yet. I go to the mirror, pray a prayer of thanksgiving for having the body to be capable of getting out of bed this morning and then go to put on my makeup and fix my hair. It is at this time I am challenged. I am challenged to look at myself in the image of God. I often fail at this point.

When my eyes meet my eyes in the mirror I see something beautiful. I don’t think I am the most beautiful woman in the world, nor do I start dry heaving with disgust at what God has given me. It is not really an extreme of some sort but rather a time of choosing. I get to choose how I will approach the next twenty to thirty minutes of prepping and primping myself to what I would deem as average.

This weekend I spent the entire time feeling so encouraged by my girlfriends. I genuinely started to believe that I was beautiful, and didn’t even have to second guess it for the last three days. Then I come home and find out that the minute the woman who I so badly envied for the last few years worked her charm, the boy I liked for three months who I still can’t seem for the life of me to even have a genuine conversation with fell in love. It was heart breaking, but why?

It was heart breaking because I was unwanted. I think this is where I get so confused. I was unwanted which in turn would mean that I was rejected but it doesn’t necessarily make me rush to the gym to lose fifteen pounds to gain the attention of the man who rejected me. I don’t really want his attention I just want the affirmation that I’m not unwanted by someone else. There is this bittersweet understanding of mind that I came to about six years ago. “When one boy rejects you, you are just one step closer to the one who won’t.” I don’t know who in the heck told me that line, but it is so against my views on where my confidence should be stemming from.

I’m not going to sit here and wait for the man of my dreams to come along and affirm me. I don’t want to place my confidence in him because he will ultimately fail me. This constant believing that we are to just wait for someone to give us that affirmation needs to stop. I want to find my confidence in God alone. This also comes with the responsibility of remaining humble in knowing my confidence is from Him alone as well.

I’ve been rejected multiple times in my life. I will probably be rejected several more but that is the thing with rejection. Sometimes it is necessary in being exactly where we need to be at the point we are at. Praise God I was rejected by the boy from freshmen year. I am thankful that we did not date because if we did I can honestly say I wouldn’t be who I am now, nor writing down all the things I have to offer. I want to be attractive for one man and one man alone. This year has held within it some pretty brutal rejections. I don’t want to have to prove to someone that I am worth their risk, or time, or effort.

In the same respect, I don’t want to convince myself that someone is worth my risk, or time, or effort. I think sometimes we don’t see the flipside that rejection also has within it the fact that it hurts much less when we cut it off the sooner we know. I do believe that there has to be some sort of closure granted to those that we don’t feel right with. I don’t know if “right” is even the appropriate word but I’m suggesting that give others the same respect you would like. I want to be told when I’m not what someone wants because it gives me the release of not pouring myself into that relationship.

I’m not trying to be brutal here I am just saying that from all my experience in being rejected, I wish some of the men that had done it would have just been a little quicker in doing so. Yes, sometimes we genuinely don’t know until later on that this person is not necessarily the one we want to be with, but don’t prolong the hurt out of fear that maybe it will get better or maybe you will eventually start to like them in that way. Just say it. Be honest, be open, and be true to what you have to say.

The last piece of advice before I go to bed is that you don’t see this as me saying I’m too fat, too ugly, too whatever it may be. I’m saying that I don’t live in the way that it is that extreme. I don’t think I’m too anything but I also don’t have my confidence placed in the Lord. That is almost scarier because I think it causes my insecurities to go unnoticed until rejection strikes and suddenly I feel more worthless than a car with no engine. This is all such mumbo jumbo but I told you it’d be raw, and tonight this is what I’m dealing with.

Apologies and Bridesmaids

First and foremost I have to apologize for my lack of posting. Finals, midterms, whatever you'd like to call them they have been completely distracting me from getting my book done...how rude! It is as though I'm a college student or something.

Seriously though, it has been far too long and so I thought I'd start us out with something a little different. I wanted to let you know that I have been prayerfully considering all aspects of a single life, especially being a single woman. It isn't that men aren't important by any means, it is just that I have the pleasure of knowing far more about being a woman than a man! So, just in case some of you were wondering, although my writing can be easily applicable to several walks of life, ages, and so on, it is definitely more focused on the woman's side of how to live. I would appreciate that you men read what I am saying and give me feedback on what you can take away as well, as I do believe there are some solid principles underlying the majority of my work.

Today I want to chat with you about bridesmaids. For some of you, you are already married and thus are a bit over the whole ordeal of who to choose, who to let go, and who you want to stand next to you as you marry the love of your life. For me, I was given the opportunity to come to a brutal realization a few months ago that I was not chosen to be next to one of my closest friends. This realization hurt, it was more painful I believe because it really put our relationship into perspective. For the last several years it always seemed as though our relationship was rather unbalanced. I would call her for insight, utilize her prayer warrior abilities when coming into new situations, and call upon her when I was unsure of what to do.

The problem was is my phone remained silent. I did not receive phone calls, nor text messages or lengthy e-mails requesting prayer. I never found myself feeling as though our relationship was a mutual blend of reliance upon one another. That definitely became clear when her wedding rolled around in January, and my name was nowhere to be found in the bridal party.

A few evenings ago, I was sitting with some girlfriends chatting over lemon pepper chicken and diced potatoes, and I made a funny comment that has stuck with me ever since. These lovely women have just stepped foot into my life this year. I have appreciated them so much in learning more and more about myself and feeling held accountable to the progress I am making in my journey with the Lord. As we were chatting, one of the women claimed that she enjoyed our coming together, and I jokingly said, "You two are definitely bridesmaids material" or something to that extent.

Later on, after the dishes had been done and the girls had gone home, I sat in the living room and pondered what I had said. I believe that just as some women have this innate desire to be married to the man of their dreams one day, they also have this incredible passion for finding women to support them in doing so. My first year at Biola was spent doing just that. I had a scrapbook mentality in finding women who would complete the idealistic group of individuals who I wanted to spend every Saturday night going out with, every Sunday morning praying with, and every holiday sharing gifts with. I wanted a group of inseparable girlfriends.

I wanted to be able to step foot into a relationship one day with a man, knowing that I had at least a group of three to five women supporting me and holding me accountable through that relationship. I even made a claim a few years ago that I would avoid the dating scene altogether until I had done so. Well, here I am heading into my senior year here at Biola, and the closest thing I had to my dream was let go a few months ago when I chose to study abroad rather than stay in California.

It is so interesting to me that we go through areas of life where God brings in different individuals to join us in our efforts of following His plan. We may not always find those friends that last for lifetimes, but there is something bittersweet in finding the ones that partake in certain areas, where there appearance was or is definitely necessary. I was spoiled in finding a friend who I consider to be one of my best two years ago. She lives in an entirely different state than me, and yet we both seem to somehow make it work. She knows my heart, and my struggles. She isn't afraid to suggest guidance and counsel, or remain silent when nothing is to be said. From her, I learned that perhaps I've been looking for the wrong things when approaching my "bridesmaid" friends.

It is silly, but I am being honest with you when I say that I still somewhat cling to that mentality, that one day I will be able to stand before my friends and family not only with the man I am committing myself to by my side, but also the women affirming and holding me to that commitment on my other. I've started to recognize that my idealistic view of what a quality group of girlfriends looks like has changed. I no longer find someone just to attend soccer games with, or share a pint of Ben and Jerry's when I've watched one episode of the Bachelor too many, but someone who can also point and direct me to Christ on a daily basis, even through the blubbering nonsense and spoonfuls of New York Super Fudge Chunk!

I would challenge you to recognize what blessings God has brought into your life as friends. It may not look like how you pictured it, I know mine definitely don't. It is when we forget to recognize what we do have that Satan begins to pester us on what we don't. It is when we forget to be a friend when we start to lose those closest to us. It is when our motivation is impure that manipulation begins to creep into our relationships. Keep in mind that God knows exactly what you need in each moment.

Two summers ago when I was guiding I was faced with a similar scenario to depict this idea of friendships. My campers and I had already had a rather exhausting week, and as we headed into the most intimidating rapid on the river, my heart sank. I knew that my line was completely wrong and suddenly I felt my boat being pulled into a dangerous position. One of the girls in front of me started to fall out, and in grabbing her I lost my own balance and ended up overboard within seconds! I quickly realized that my girls were now going downriver alone, and that in sheer panic they all began frantically paddling, causing them to do circles. From the shore, another guide began hollering orders at my boat. The girls, after a few moments of shrieks and gasps, finally paid attention and got themselves over to the edge.

When I reached them, they were all so proud of getting through the situation without their guide. When I got back into the boat we talked about why they felt so confidence once they realized they could do it. They shared with me that it was because of the woman who had called to them from the shore. They trusted her, because she knew what she was doing and her commands were identical to what I had been calling out all day. It was familiar, and even though it wasn't necessarily mine, they knew that they could get back to safety. I told the girls that sometimes in life this is where friendships are the most crucial. We may be going through some pretty scary situations in which we don't feel like we can always hear God, or His commands. The girl knew the actions, they had the training and knew how to move the boat, it was the direction that they lacked. Sometimes God blesses us with utilizing relationships in our lives to keep us on track. We may not always hear what He has to say but we can trust those who are obviously living in line with Him to direct us towards His voice.

I have been so thankful for the solid relationships I have built over these last years. In coming back to school I've had to let go of several friendships that I truly cherished last year. The problem is that we all change, and sometimes friendships may be appropriate for one season, but not another. I would challenge you to remember that there should be discernment in selecting those closest to you. I'm not saying that you have to reject everyone around you who doesn't fit what you are looking for in a close friend. I am merely suggesting that you take into account that who you surround yourself with heavily influences you.

It is no longer about finding women to just stand by me on my wedding day. It is about finding those that direct back towards Christ each step of the way, with our without a marriage and with or without their name on a wedding program to feel affirmed in it. In the same way, I have recently started challenging myself on the friend that I want to be. We have heard this lesson several times before, and even writing it now I can honestly say I'm a tad bit desensitized to its impact. I'd challenge you to move past the simpleness of it and find the truth. Seek those that will hold you to who He has made you to be. Women seek women. In the next section I will be talking about male friendships. While it is so good to have brothers in Christ who you fellowship with, please know that there is nothing better than surrounding yourself with women who support you. You don't have to let go of those friendships once you marry as well. Keep that in mind :)

Blessings,

Kendra