Confessions of A Twenty-One Drama Queen

Hello, my name is Kendra Wise. (Your part: "Hi, Kendra!") I am here today to acknowledge my addiction to boundaries. Wow. For a girl who has spent the majority of her life doing fairly well at setting boundary after boundary in order to accomplish saving/readying my heart for "Mr. Right", I sure did a lousy job at expecting what was to come when I did meet the person I wanted to lower my walls for.

Four years ago, at age eighteen (I don't suck at math I am just about a week away from my 22nd birthday so I'm rounding), I stood up in a chapel at Biola University and committed my purity to whomever the Lord revealed as the man for me to be with. "Purity" was what the speaker deemed as your emotional, spiritual, physical, and intellectual being. I therefor sat down the next evening and wrote a list of boundaries that I would maintain with my guy friends in order to wait for the one who God revealed as someone to invest in.

I wouldn't go out past ten to parks, I wouldn't go to the movie theater on a date, I would share my testimony different with a room of both genders present versus just females, I would avoid cuddling at all costs, I would always be upfront with boys about my feelings for them, I would never pray one-on-one with a man late at night, I would throw out my skanky wardrobe, I would never use the word "love" or "miss" unless I meant it, and so on and so forth. The list went on for days, and I was preparing myself to be ready to defend against any attempt at breaking my boundaries.

Now, this somewhat "dramatic" approach to male interaction isn't as OCD as you may think. Due to my abusive past and tendency to put myself in rather foolish situations, these things seemed necessary in order to maintain a pure heart for someone to one day own. I can't lie either, it worked. It worked so well in fact that I ended up hurting myself by building up such thick walls around my heart, not even the one I want to let them down for can get in. When did it happen that I started letting my boundaries turn into a lifestyle...most likely when I realized that boundaries are restraints, and when you live in a way that you restrain yourself it turns into habit, much like dieting.

Dieting isn't bad. It is intended to help you move towards choosing foods that are healthier for you...but anything in excess can be damaging. Do you know what the worst part about dieting is? The minute you "cheat" or jump back to how you used to eat prior dieting, you often either get incredibly sick, addicted, or lose motivation to remain healthy. In order to better your body, if you want to re-introduce foods back into your life, it is more realistic to introduce one food at a time, over a certain amount of time in between each. For me, this is all too similar in my relationship.

If I have lived the last four years entirely restricting of all interpersonal communication (with men), then I can't expect to suddenly indulge by throwing my full self to someone at once. If I do that, I am afraid I will throw boundaries to the wind, and suddenly get myself right back to where I started of why I needed them in the first place. If I don't start letting go of my boundaries, and moving towards letting someone in however, I will keep our relationship stagnant, and will also not present myself in a way that suggests I am just as reliable, or there for the other person.

So, today I prayed. I have been praying since the moment I woke up about how exactly to go about this. As I prayed, I also asked God what it means to fall in love as He holds my heart in His hands. That is when He spoke beautifully to my heart. He shared that He can be my "boundary" in my relationship. The truth is that God presents REAL, GENUINE, PURE boundaries in His Word. People say that relationships fall into the "gray area" of the Bible, but that is often just justification to doing what you want because it doesn't spell it out for you. In reality, the Bible gives me complete and defined ideas of what I am to strive for in my relationship.

I can compare something I want to do in accordance with His Word. For instance...the big "physical" justification that the Bible only talks about sex and nothing else is a complete joke. 2 Timothy 2:21-22 has been one of my favorite verses in learning how to apply His Word to my life. Suddenly...it clicked. Something that I have shared for years but finally found understanding in. If God is holding my heart, than by seeking Him and living according to His Word, I can have full faith that His Spirit will guide me in the letting down of my walls.

The truth is that the boundaries were made out of a hurt heart. They were meant as protection from bad. But God's pacing provides protection in the good. It allows me to slowly but steadily call upon Him to let someone else in, and therefore begin to hold my heart with the Lord. I still think that boundaries are necessary in order to protect yourself. I just think that I forgot to mention what comes after...mainly because I never really knew. The truth is that when you find someone who you genuinely believe glorifies the Lord, and who pursues you in a godly manner, the boundaries begin to change. No longer are they restrictions, but honoring choices that direct the two of you to Christ first.

In that, I have to confess. The hardest part of my letting the boundaries go isn't that I won't know what to do without them. The truth is that I know how much I want someone else to join in my heart and I with his. The hardest part is that no one has ever gotten that close. I am scared. I am not scared of being hurt, or rejected, I am scared of the unknown. This too helps in allowing God to be the giver of my heart. It allows me to find comfort in Him and in the one I am with by building trust. It allows me to find affirmation in that Satan will try and hurt the releasing of these boundaries by either convincing me they are still necessary, or rushing me to a point where I get fearful and build more. Either way, I have to be protecting myself by calling upon God to push the enemy aside in this.

The only thing that has come as a result of my clinging to my single lifestyle is meaningless drama and tension. Yes, relationships are a process, and watching mine unfold first hand is one of the most beautiful things I've ever experienced. That being said, I need to realize that the protection extends to the both of us now. No longer are my boundaries motivated by hurt or keeping people away. Instead, my motivation has shifted to placing my relationship in the Lord's hands. In doing that, I also recognize that protection doesn't always come in the form of a "What Not To Do". For me, protection comes in communication. It has to be a prioritized part of my relationship to create the trust necessary to move forward in the process of letting go.

You see, communication is hard. It is essential yet can be poorly handled at times. It can turn into games, or frustration. It can lead you to fall madly in love or brutally bitter. It is the center (along with Christ) of any relationship, and it is necessary in order to grow. I'm learning that I first have to acknowledge who I was before this relationship, and then pray through the different aspects that I've built protection around and learn how to surrender to God first, and allow Him to move in extending the letting go into my relationship. This has been something that I have never had to work through before, but yet so many of us I think forget, even if we have been with someone for years.

God still holds my heart in His hands, but in releasing it, I am learning that sometimes I need to focus on the opportunities to grow, and not what I need to go against.

Love,

Kendra S. Wise

I Am Sustained

This week has been rough. I haven't been writing as much because I'm dealing with a lot of turmoil in my own heart. You see, I have been really struggling to grasp the concept of allowing God to hold my heart within His hands, while falling in love with someone as well. There isn't really a balance to it at all...it isn't something to necessarily balance in the first place. What makes things even harder is when distance plays into the mix. No longer has my prayer been JUST for my relationship to be sustained by the Lord Almighty, but now my heart is being prayed for the same.

Relationships are tough. They just are. There are going to be happy times and sad times, busy times and relaxed times, nervous times and calm times, times where you want to yell at the top of your lungs, cry your heart out, or sing and dance with joy. God didn't promise that finding someone would be easy, nor is there a verse suggestion that once you do, things will always be blissful and romantic. I would like to tell you that I wish it all could be that easy, but then I would be taking away from my relationships with my closest friends, parents, family members, boyfriend, and most importantly...Christ. If things were always "simple" with each, I wouldn't be the woman that I am before you today. I wouldn't know how to mend broken spirits after hurtful comments or banters, I wouldn't know how to watch someone's response towards a situation and see that there is much more lying underneath the surface, I wouldn't know how to work at downfalls in my own life so things don't happen again, and above all else...I wouldn't know how to love.

Knowing how to love well is an extension of knowing how to forgive well. It is learning that, although life doesn't always seem like butterflies and sugar plums, love can be granted regardless of certain circumstances you may be in. Love is a choice. A friend shared with me some marvelous insight that made perfect sense. She stated, "My boyfriend and I choose daily to be in love." Choosing to love is a tough one. Some people may say that you aren't with "the right one" if you have to do this on more than one occasion. Others might say that you know you are with the right one when the choice comes "naturally".

The problem is that it isn't natural for me to be in a relationship. I don't mean that saying that I don't WANT to be in one, or I don't LIKE being in one. On the contrary, I LOVE being in one...but that isn't because I am programmed to naturally fall in love with someone and know exactly how to conduct myself. Boy are there somedays that I wish that wasn't the case...but that wouldn't be love at all. Take my relationship with the Lord. Falling in love with God is a daily choice. I have to be willing to focus my heart on Christ and His Word. I take time to get to know Him, time to thank Him, and time to prayerfully commit my life to Him. It doesn't just "happen" that I love Him.

It isn't totally natural to do either. I could be perfectly content living my life alone (well sort of). See, if I had never been introduced to the Lord I would be able to say that with full confidence. That is why love is so beautiful. If you asked me if I could live apart from Him now I would tell you, "No way!" That is because I am in love with the Lord. It is because before Him I knew no difference. I didn't know what life with Him was like because I hadn't experienced it yet. Now that I have, I wouldn't change it for the world! But falling in love with God is still a choice, one that I make every day and throughout the day when the world presents me with tempting offers of other things to commit myself to.

Similarly, I knew how to live a single life well, it came so natural to me. I didn't know anything other than living without someone, but if you asked me if I do it now after being with Shea I would tell you, "No way!" See, being in a relationship doesn't mean that you've won the prize. It doesn't mean that life is supposed to get easier from that point on because your circumstances will drastically change or suddenly your biggest dreams come true. It does mean that you now have the opportunity to have a partner in experiencing life with, not a Savior. A partner is someone who is playing alongside you, striving towards the same goal. He isn't the coach. He doesn't have perfect knowledge of where to take you or how to get there, but he is learning much like you.

The beauty of falling in love is that you CHOOSE to love beyond the mistakes that will be made. You don't fold after one round of a bad hand. You don't quit simply because there is an uphill incline ahead. You choose to commit yourself to saying that you will love before it, through it, and after it. Praise God He does this with me on a daily basis. He sees my downfalls completely. He knows that I fail, and that I am weak, but He loves me beyond foolishness. Now I'm not going to pretend that you can love as unconditionally and well as the Lord. If that were true, we wouldn't need Him. But it isn't. The truth is that we are human, and that we will have moments of annoyance, hurt, frustration, anxiety, happiness, peace, and the list goes on and on. It means that there will be times where things don't seem perfect or incredibly easy or "natural".

It does mean that it is your and your partner's choice to CHOOSE beyond the short term interference. It means that you have to be willing to put into perspective the hard times in comparison with the love that you have for one another. It also means that you don't ignore each other in the process and try to go through it alone. It doesn't work that way. You have to be willing to be honest in the moments of hardship because THAT IS LOVE. Love is also strengthening your relationship by being the defense against moments of attack.

I fail at this one so often. I get frustrated and upset and try to tuck my emotions down in order to appear as the cool and confident girlfriend. Then, Satan begins going to town on my mind and emotions about how much of a screw up I am. I still don't say anything and end up hopeless, hurt, and drained from it all. God doesn't say that you ever are to do it alone. That isn't love either. Love isn't pretending that you've got everything under control ALL THE TIME. For me, it was such a humbling moment the other night to recognize that my relationship suffers as a result of me not allowing my boyfriend to be aware of my heart in feeling attacked by the enemy. The instant we shared in that together and utilized one another, as well as our love for the Lord, the enemy was defeated.

The thing is that it isn't just a one time thing. There will be so many moments where you will have to decide if you are going to love or run. If you aren't willing to face those moments together I can guarantee you won't be willing to have a realistic perspective of your relationship. I have never met a couple in my life who didn't say that there were/are/will go through times of trouble together, but that that each time their love for one another grew as a result.

So...now onto the hardest part I've been facing this week...the distance. Distance creates a pretty tough drain on the whole growing together aspect. It is hard to put so much emotion into texting, e-mailing, and the phone. What I am learning though is that having a Christ-centered relationship doesn't mean that you get a "Get Out of Jail Free" card in your own walk with the Lord. If you have ever read my perspective on Christian Dating, then you know my views on praying together, devotions, and walking for the other person. I don't think you should ever view your relationship with the Lord as someone else's. That is YOURS AND GOD'S. It doesn't mean that you don't join in it with your husband someday, but it does mean that you have to recognize you still have the active role in being with the Lord. For me, that means not only choosing to love in times of trouble, but choosing to love and be loved by the Lord.

God sustains me. My relationship doesn't. It isn't that it isn't the most amazing blessing I've experienced to date, trust me...it is! It is more the truth that I am sustained by God and God alone. I don't do this because I don't trust my boyfriend or think he is an amazing guy...but once again, he is human just like myself. We can't sustain each other because we fail so often, and will continue to do so. With God as my Sustainer though, the hard times don't seem so terrifyingly awful, the distance doesn't seem so far apart, and the growth happens.

But that also is a choice...one that I realized drastically alters my perspective on each time...good or bad. Suddenly, in choosing to be sustained by God the lows don't seem or feel so low anymore and the highs don't seem fake or short-lived. Instead, God amplifies each moment by bringing me to Him first, and my boyfriend second. He humbles me, He allows me to see where I need to grow, and by acknowledging the times that I do fail through the freedom of His love, I can love better. I can forgive better. I can live better.

So tonight my challenge is a little different. It isn't about telling you to go and find some hard times so you and the person you are with can grow together. It is about asking you what is sustaining you? Does the fact that you had a tough conversation with your boyfriend deem your day as "terrible"? Does the fact that you got into a fight last night make today "horrible"? It doesn't mean that you should not be affected by the hard, but instead embrace it. Recognize that by God sustaining you, you can CHOOSE to LOVE beyond it. You can WORK THROUGH those times and find hope in Him before placing it all upon your expectation of how things should get better.

Hope this helps to some extent,

Kendra S. Wise

Cry Me a River

It is five o’clock on a Tuesday night, and I am sitting on my bed, staring at a half-painted wall. As it stares back at me, all I can think to myself is how accomplished I will feel when it is done. I would be painting right now but sadly the paint can is completely painted shut from my last attempt at finishing this project. We have tried everything…hot water, crow bar, random objects in my Dad’s toolbox, and the dumb thing won’t budge. It is stubborn. Honestly, these aren’t your typical old school pry-open containers. These are newer, twist off, and sadly are much tougher to deal with. It feels like trying to open a pickle jar with Crisco on your hands…and I am beat after several fatal attempts to get it to move.

Today was a hard day. I woke up, jumped out of bed, and rushed downstairs to get in a quick workout before the day began. The odd thing was as I leapt out of my comforter, I wasn’t greeted with my usual boost of joy and excitement for the day. I instead, most likely a byproduct of my restless evening, found myself dreading the thought of what was to come after my workout.

Last night…I cried. I cried. I didn’t sob, nor weep, but I cried, and the worst part was that it was face to face (at least thanks to technology) with my boyfriend. Since I was a kid, the whole “no crying in baseball” mentality really stuck with me. I would do my best to push aside my tears until I was by myself in my room later on, where I could let it out alone. When my family suffered some tough situations in my teens, I defaulted to unmoved instead of hurt. I tried my best to hold myself together by pretending things weren’t really happening to me. I suddenly became a bystander o the turmoil I was facing in my life.

As I looked on from the sideline, I would catch glimpses of others emotional responses to what I was supposed to be feeling. I would try and mimic their concern as best as I could, to at least show I wasn’t entirely detached, but still often failed to let people see what I was really facing. Well this afternoon was a pretty darn slap of reality that by bottling up my emotions…they will explode. I laid down on my bed today to take a nap and suddenly began to sob…really sob. One of those cries that punches you to the gut and makes your legs curl up towards your chest.

I laid there for a moment…and then realized all that I was experiencing.

A few weeks ago at church I asked the Lord to break me. I told Him that I truly wanted the line “break my heart for what breaks yours” to be true in my life. Well…He delivered. I started going through my days finding things that would devastate me. They were always a little rare, as though each thing had nothing to do with the other, but still made me feel sad for what I was witnessing.

Allowing yourself to experience things is crucial to not letting pent up emotion spill into other areas of your life. For me, certain things I was holding to myself started to build up to the point of coming out in my sarcasm with others. My boyfriend got to witness the joy of this first hand, and as it came out I was shocked as to the hold this specific insecurity was having on my heart…and now my mouth. To make matters worse, as embarrassed as I felt, it didn’t even compare to the feeling of failure I was clinging to. I don’t deserve the man that I get to be with by any means, but to actually understand that someone cares for me through my flaws…that feeling alone scares me to death!

He was patient, as he always is, and we talked through things but at the end of the night my heart was unsettled. I felt like I had unraveled. It was as though my “perfect image” was completely trashed. Oddly enough (or should I say perfectly), my prayer two evenings ago was that in breaking my heart, the Lord would humble me to finding my worth and confidence entirely in Him and Him alone. Well…let me tell you, it is working.

I am imperfect. I understand this of course, but then again if I truly understood I think I would live my life…and my relationship…out entirely differently. We are still in the beginning, during the time where your downfalls are “cute”, but as we grow together something tells me that the cute factor will one day start to lose its impact. That is the beauty of relationships. The point isn’t to find one another’s flaws adorable…it is to work through them and love beyond the weaknesses that we have. It is never to overlook them, or pretend that they don’t exist…the minute you do that you are going to have the whole bottling cycle engaged, and we all know how that ends.

So here I am, post “nap time” for the day. Sitting here with words to share and yet no clue how to communicate them. Let’s start with the paint can. That can has sat in my closet for over a year and a half. No one has touched it, opened it, or even tried to move it. I am the paint can. Then here comes an incredible man of God to come and gently and patiently work towards opening the can up. The problem is that it doesn’t take a quick fix. I can’t just expect my can to pry open with one small twist. It takes time. It also takes calling upon the right strength.

After several attempts, my mom and I decided to wait for my Dad to get home. We know that he has the right amount of strength to open the can in its time. Similarly, I have to be proactive in calling upon the Lord to loosening the can up through daily opportunities (such as this) to learning how to open. I have to be willing to let people in, and for a girl who is rather honest…vulnerability tends to be a strong downfall of mine.

Next, I’d tell you that crying is beautiful. It is real, honest, and true to what you are facing. This doesn’t mean that you should cry 24/7 to really “experience” things. It also doesn’t mean that you should judge how engaged you are in a situation by your tears (I’ve done that before too). It means that when you want to cry…cry. It may be odd, embarrassing, uncomfortable, but it is an emotion and just as I would pray and hope your joy is real and true when you are displaying it…so should your sorrow be.

Last, I’d share that you in turn need to allow your sorrow to have appropriate response time. Sometimes we get so caught up in the sadness of a situation, we forget that we are free and alive in the Lord and now have the ability to work through that sorrow and glorify the Lord in responding to it however that may be. For me…it means letting go of the fear that I will be rejected each time I cry. It means learning to share things with people before I end up a blubbering mess and they can’t understand me. It also gives me a way to release what is going on in my life without letting it affect areas that it has no place in being.

I am so tired of associating tears with weakness. I even cried last week because I was so happy! I am frustrated by the common idea that we have to remain strong, or that crying is overrated, or that it is “dramatic”. The truth is drama is drama but tears are emotion, heartfelt, and something that reveals that there is more going on beneath the surface. I think that a woman is truly beautiful when she is honest with her heart. That isn’t to say that she has to cry to have one, it just means that you can really tell that her expression is genuine an a reflection of what she truly fears.

So there you have it…

I guess I really do think you should, “Go cry me a river!” ;)

Love,

Kendra

Time to Do This...

I gave myself a little break the past few days to gather my thoughts. Truth is, this has been one of the most impacting learning times in my life as a young adult. I can't believe I am on my way to graduating in four short months. In fact, the whole "real world" feeling kind of freaks me out a bit. I wouldn't say that I am unprepared, or not ready, I would just say that it is always funny to me the expectation us college students have of the months to come after graduation. Suddenly, I won't have to be doing homework every single night of the week. I won't get the joy of swiping a student id card to get a meal if I want one, I won't have to held accountable to going to chapel every few mornings, and I won't feel panicked one entire week out of each season, focusing on the wonderful priority known as finals. I will be graduated, and ready for an entirely new season of life.

Graduation holds for me a time of getting to focus on my ministry, and ministry alone. My thoughts of having my book completed by May are still very much in place...but the reality of being a final semester senior and having to take up a part-time job to save for loans, on top of a ministry position at a church blessing me with a scholarship each semester, and being active on campus seems to make my deadline pretty downright unachievable. The hope I have is in prioritizing now a way to get my book underway at a steady pace, so that I can at least start writing small articles for magazine competitions and such by the end of February.

As I was sitting in church on Sunday, my heart began to beat alongside the music challenging us to giving God our whole selves. For me, that means that I may not necessarily have the perfect timeline, or know what I will be doing in four months from now, or even have the slightest idea of how a minimum wage job will play into a move to Northern California...but I DO know that for today, I want God to utilize my passion in giving me urgency to maintain this blog, and speak in a way that is a light for His people.

I don't want to get so focused on my idealistic concept of what God can do with my life. That isn't necessarily giving the Lord my whole self, it is giving Him what I want to happen and praying I am right. I was doing my devotion last night and as I was writing down prayers, it dawned on me that my prayers are somewhat repetitive. I know that the Lord loves hearing me share what is truly on my heart, but I also know that He is already very aware of my desires. I know that He knows how I feel about my job situation, and post-graduation plans. I know that He knows how thankful I am for Shea, and prayerfully hoping that our relationship will grow each day. I know that He understands my longing to speak for His glory.

What I do think I struggle with is allowing God to hear beyond my hopes and desires. I want the Lord to hear where I am in the moment, not just what I want and when. Last night I realized that these are the last four months I will have attending Biola. This is the last time I will live in my apartment in Southern California. I will most likely never step foot in the Biola Fitness Center to workout after graduation. I also won't have the luxury of going from dorm to dorm when I please to visit friends. JUST as important as what is to come is cherishing what is already being unveiled at this moment.

My attention came back to the things which I hope for in this final semester of mine. I started praying through viewing myself as His daughter, something I often fail to do. I began asking for change in my mentality of how I workout, something I always share with you. I also started praying through the next few weeks of transition back into my house and with my roommates. Something too that really hit home was the fact that the Lord has equipped me with the ability through Him to reach the goals which I long for, but the real question lies in those goals being according to His plan.

Before I step into the "real world", I'd like to take full advantage of this one. Last night at church, we were charged with the goal of becoming honest in our prayers. As I started to pray I realize how quick I am to focus on things that are so far from happening. I think I do this to avoid what is going on in my own head in the moment. Just as much as I always share to be apart of today, and the present, I think we need to also focus on who we are in this minute.

I get so caught up with who I can be one day. I focus on what life will be like without the responsibility of classes each day. I get so excited to let go of my college experience, but I AM STILL IN IT. I can't take away from the beautiful growth that is already occurring in this day, nor what is to come these last few months. So today I pray for today. I pray for using the passion I have for the future by fueling the writing that I share now.

If you could be praying for my book. I am starting to process through old situations, and my heart is still very much affected by certain things from my past. Pray that the Lord blesses me with truth and honesty, and also recognition that He is my saving grace, and that these past memories are just that...memories.

Tonight wasn't so much about giving you a standard to live by, or helping you in your relationships, it was just about sharing a bit of my heart in the unfolding of this process, so I hope my own realizations aren't dull or uneventful, because to me they are some of the most treasured things that I have.

Love you,

Kendra

I'm Sexy and I Know It

As I hopped on the elliptical yesterday my focus immediately turned to my reflection in the window. This isn't the first time this has happened. I am consumed at looking at myself. Now before you get heavily judgmental, please take the time to hear me out. You see, I have this horrible problem of either going to one extreme of dreading how I look, or the opposite of finding my entire confidence "in the Lord" (a phrase I sadly throw out there half meaning I really do and the other half from how much time I've invested in making myself look presentable). It is a grueling task trying to find the balance.

I recently picked up, "Fit for My King". It is a daily devotional that has you fast off certain foods in order to treat your body as God's temple. I have mentioned that I am doing this before, but for first time readers I like to clue them in. I am on Day 13. Day 13 has been a beautiful reminder that if I do not control what goes into my mind, then I will have a harder battle of trying to rid myself of narcissistic thoughts driving my workouts. As I jumped on that elliptical the song, "I'm Sexy and I Know It" came blaring through my headphones. Now, I know what you are thinking...as I daily claim to my Christian viewpoints and values, I seriously fail at giving over my music to the Lord. I have tried working out to worship music before, but by the third chorus of "I Can Only Imagine" I'm having a minor emotional breakdown on the stair master which doesn't necessarily help me utilize my working out time to actually stay mobile. My pace drastically is effected by my emotional state, and David Crowder just doesn't seem to pump me up like Usher.

So, as the song comes on, my demeanor drastically changes. Suddenly, I am faced with the terrifying reality that I am entirely one of those girls walking (or ellipticalling) with all the confidence of the word. I even sipped my Dasani as though I was in a commercial, taking my time to ensure that I was in my own world of self-awe and consumerism. I looked again in the mirror, only this time to find myself entirely displeased with what I saw. Suddenly...that confidence that I was maintaining all of about two minutes was shattered. I saw chubby thighs, hair pinned back revealing acne scars on my forehead, sweat dripping down my nose, and arms that seemed to jiggle to the beat far more than I would have liked.

Isn't is crazy how the female mind works? It is like we get caught in the crazy tension between loving ourselves for who we are and loving ourselves for who we idealistically hope to be or even create ourselves to be. As the song ended, I turned my attention to the girls hopping on the equipment next to me. They were in their early-twenties, wearing nothing more than spandex and sports bras. They smelled like fresh perfume, hair was flowing and down, and they acted as though working out was some sort of catwalk in the way that they elegantly used the machine to their advantage in sharing with everyone else that they could be our Jenny Craig after pictures.

I got a little thrown off, and decided to turn off my music for a bit. It was then that I realized the influence my music was having on me. I'm not about to act like my narcissistic attitude was stemming from words alone, but I do think that they seriously hurt my hopes of viewing myself as the Lord's temple. Could you imagine if we walked around, looking at different churches, and picked which was the best based off of how beautiful it was? Obviously you can't judge the impact of a church simply on whether or not they have stained glass windows. What if on Sunday morning the preacher took time to share how long it took to make the church that gorgeous, or what the church is doing to maintain it. Of course this isn't what the church does, so why do I feel the need to do so with my own body, if it is Christ's temple.

The temple glorifies the Lord, and similarly I want to glorify Him with my own body, how it was created to do so. Sheri Rose Shepherd, the author of the devotional, shares, "His reflection in us is more beautiful than we could ever make ourselves. Amen! See we always focus on going to far into thinking that we are ugly, or fat, or not giving ourselves worth in the Lord's perspective. We need to also recognize the conflicting battle of viewing ourselves by the definition of a beauty ruined by what society expects of us.

I realized that by filling my head with songs focused on women being sexual, sensual, and hot seriously influenced my workout routine. I started becoming consumed with dreaming up my body after a few months of working out, or thinking of being in a bikini in California, or what my friends would say or do when we go hot tubbing when I get back in February. I thought of the perfect view of myself, when in reality I am beautiful because He made me this way. I am still seeking to become fit for the Lord, so that I can really do His ministry to the full, but I am not going to claim that truth in my life and taint it with a false motivation of wanting to be noticed as beautiful because I've worked for it.

I want to focus on my inward beauty first and foremost. My makeup broke on my way home from a friend's tonight, and as I got home and noticed the shattered pieces I thought to myself...maybe it is better this way. I spend so much time worrying about how great I will look one day. If I eat too much I rush to the mirror and look at my stomach. What if I rushed to the Lord and prayed for the strength to overcome my foolish thinking instead? What if instead of hours of hair straightening and blow drying and waxing and primping I hung out with my Savior?

It is all talk. It is all talk because I have the same thought process just as much as I have the one that leads me to forget the "revelation" I'm having now. It is easy to talk about how important those things are. It is also easy to justify that the Lord doesn't call us to give up such things and that it is okay to still spend time on ourselves. I think I have just lost sight of what it means to really be His temple. I want to be fit, healthy, and take care of myself. I'm not going to stop doing things that I think help in that way. I do think that I need to start by ridding myself of the things that have created this false image I want in my head.

Music is where I am starting. I am getting over not working out to Christian music. I recently did cardio to Hillsong United, and found it pretty uplifting and motivating in the process. Images also need to be pulled away from my head. I have obsessed over fitness magazines and television shows like no ones business. I need to let go of watching things where people have to get skinny to feel good. I still see the health benefits in it, but I want people to find their confidence in something steadfast and true.

It isn't about recognizing the flaw I have each day...it is about doing something about it.

Tonight, my prayer is that I can truly let go of these two extremes in my life, and that by doing so I am reminded that He is my ultimate motivation. I also pray that as you struggle to find balance in your own life, you know that it isn't easy. It starts with being active in it. You have to choose each day how you are going to view yourself. Today, I viewed myself as an object, something to morph and change into what the world expects of me...but in two minutes it will be a new day and for tomorrow I choose to be His princess.

Love,

Kendra

Three Little Words...

Sorry for dropping the ball last evening. After spending hours writing and trying to come up with something worth the read I decided that I would rather full-heartedly give you something that I really wanted you to invest your time in. As much as this challenge has forced me to creatively approach each day with a new blog, I was not about to waste your time on something I didn't fully believe was worth it. Even though the majority of my blogs are rough and very quick-writes, I just couldn't think of how to go about what I wanted to say.

Genuinely, this always happens when the Lord has put something on my heart to share but I'm wrestling with my own fears of sharing it too much to do so. So here it goes...the root of what I was trying to get at last night unveiled...

Have you ever done the team building initiative known as "Numbers"? It is pretty easy. You get a group of people and have them form two circles. The first circle faces outward inside the second circle. The second circle faces inward, and you want to have enough people so that it evenly pairs off between the two circles. Here is how it works...someone outside of the two circles tells both circles to move, the inward going counter-clockwise, and the outer moving clockwise. When the person yells, "Stop!" The circles stop moving, and each person should now be facing another person from the different circle. The leader will then ask the pair to face back to back and on the count of three they will have 3 options.

1. They can extend their hand for a handshake.

2. They can turn their to their side for a side-hug.

3. They can open their arms for a bear hug.

The catch is that you will have to submit to the lowest amount of physical contact suggested. So, if my partner extend their hand for a handshake, but I have my arms open for a hug, we will shake hands, given that it is what is most comfortable. The goal of the game is to learn where people are in regards to their physical boundaries.

I'll be honest, I am a pretty open person, and physical touch is one of my favorite ways to share how much I care for someone, so I don't have a problem opening my arms to hug each time. The embarrassing part, is when I come to someone who doesn't know me really well, or perhaps does, but finds a handshake more comfortable. You are then left awkwardly standing there, having to submit to the lower amount.

No one really taught me how to date well. Praise God that I have had so many experiences of what not to do, as well as examples such as friends, family, and especially my parents to reveal to me what working relationships do look like. The thing that I am finding most hard though, is that as much as you may know what love looks like, or believe that you have a good understanding of being in it, for those of us not so sure we fully "get it", it can be a rather scary thing.

Love...love...love. It is all about love. I looked up youtube after youtube last night trying to find what the experts were sharing on the topic, but came up empty handed. Christian pastors shared that you know you are in love when you truly care for the other person, and are willing to sacrifice for them in response to what you are feeling. Other experts explained that it is a feeling like no other, that you get goosebumps and your heart feels like it is going to explode...but that "when you know you know".

Here is my dilemma. I entirely agree that when you know you are in love you are in love, and I'm not about to give you any hint as to where I am at in that process, given the only person getting a ticket to that parade is the one and only Charles Shea Vollstead, but I think more than simply focusing on what love is, I've started to really become fearful of standing there at the end of the day with my arms wide open and being given a hand in return.

It isn't like I'm experiencing problems in my relationship at all, but I have this unnerving insecurity from past experiences that I can't fully fall into love without some serious armor protecting me. I think it is kind of like when you know a task is going to require time, effort, and take great lengths to see any form of result. Often times those type of tasks give us the justification of checking out altogether, even before we begin.

I just feel like I look at the reality that someone could actually feel the exact same way I do at all times as rather imaginary or nonexistent. Obviously, you are probably thinking, that doesn't really happen. I guess it is just one of those things as though you know when you know and he knows when he knows and by the time one of you shares your heart the other one naturally falls into place. But banking on the fact that someone is tracking right along with me in the falling process is rather intimidating. I don't want to just assume that they are going to be there at the end of the race to congratulate me, I want to know they have been running alongside me the whole time.

It is scary to think that you may not always know where the other person is at.

That, my wonderful friends, is where the power of trust comes in. Last night I was beautifully reminded that these fears are remnants of the experiences that have happened in my life, not linked to the relationship I have now at all. I think sometimes we forget that. You have to be willing to discern between the two in order to let go of those insecurities as well.

Shea has never proven that he wasn't right next to me as we figure life out each day together. Those fears are what can give the enemy a strong foothold to talk me out of relationship in the first place...much like he has before. See, I was reminded that first and foremost I need to be falling for the Lord, and as I fall for Shea in the process of that, it doesn't mean that I need to rush the process to get to the end all result before either one of us are ready.

It also doesn't mean that I am ever going to say something that I don't fully mean just to hear where the other person is at...and sadly this comes to the point of this blog in the first place.

Friends, women especially, please trust me as I share that I can assume and give the benefit of the doubt that you would NEVER do this. But please DON'T say that you are in love, try to convince yourself you are in love, or simply "test" that you are in love by claiming it to the person you are with just to get a read on where they are in the process.

I have seen this sad reality ruin more than a dozen relationships in my life.

Women get consumed with wanting to hear those three beautiful words so much so that they end up "getting it out of" the person they are with in more ways than one. Guys are often told that they have this way of utilizing the love word to convince women into bed with them. Well girls, I don't think we get off scot free here for being the victim all the time. I think similarly we can use the love word to get someone to stay with us, or convince them that even if they had hesitation, they really do love us too.

I just don't want to fall in love knowing that the basis of someone else feeling the same is because I have convinced them to do so. Christ doesn't even sink to the level of stealing our hearts and making them His. Instead, He allows us to call upon Him, even though He has every right of doing so. So I am not about to try and do something the Lord refrains from on a daily basis, just because I need the affirmation that I am loved too. Instead, I can find peace and rest in knowing that I am falling, AND THAT IS FINE WITH ME.

Falling suggest that you are going to be caught someday, somehow, and someway. It doesn't give you a timeline, or a destination, or even an ending point. It is the state of falling, and therefore the end isn't necessarily even an end at all. I fall more and more in love with the Lord everyday, and if that is anything like falling in love with someone, I can find trust in knowing that I don't have to convince them to do the same for me.

I've always told you to enjoy the process, but now I am going to tell you that I have no idea what that may look like in regards to this one. I don't know if there are rules on saying, "I love you." first or second. I don't know if you should share your feeling of being in love if you don't know if you are there or not. I also don't know if you should just say, "I love you too." because it is expected of you.

Instead of trying to answer all of those questions, or drive myself crazy overanalyzing every possibility in getting to the same result, I will share with you this. I promise you that when two people are in love, and decide to share it with one another, they aren't focused on the details of how and when and where. It is the why.

As much as we shouldn't be fearful of falling, we should also understand that when we are in love, it is okay to admit it, to find the beauty of being real and true to it. We shouldn't try and manipulate someone else to saying it first, or even saying it at all. Instead, we should be concerned with our hearts in the process. You see, I have full faith that the men you are pursuing are those that would be running alongside you the entire way, even if they don't share it everyday with you. I would hope that you wouldn't find someone who just wants to say it to use it against you in getting something he wants. The truth is that if you are pursuing someone who is a true man of God, or a man at all, he will be one that assures you in his actions that you are loved, and follow with falling in love all the same.

So this blog is definitely one of my more not so well-written beautiful pieces of art. It is honestly just something that has really been on my head and my heart lately. I just don't want to see love turn into a saying. Three words do mean a lot, BUT what they mean and how they are lived out means a whole lot more.

Motipulation

Sparknotes Version for Kirstie: Motivation by manipulation is toxic to any relationship.

"I want to be a woman who has relationship without manipulation." Welcome to my answer when asked what is one life objective you have. I was sitting in a chilled room in Kaikoura, New Zealand, when a wonderful professor gave us roughly five minutes to come up with one statement we hope to live by. This was what I chose. Manipulation is a funny thing...so often I believe that we are entirely unaware of the fact that we are doing it. For instance, in my family sometimes we guilt each other into things without even registering it. I think the tough part about manipulation is that, by the text book definition, there really is no way to view it other than "skillful or artful management".

When first reading the definition, I stopped and began analyzing the word "artful". It is as though manipulation is somewhat of a gift, like you have to be good at it in order to achieve the goal that you want. Have you ever flipped through infomercials late at night? Sometimes I get so caught up in wanting the next footy pajama knock-off simply because the salesperson seems rather enticing. About five minutes (which is a VERY long time if you actually count it out) into processing through shorting my food intake to get such a ridiculous gift for myself, it hits me that I have just lost at the selling game. I then register that I don't actually need the stupid thing and go on about my day as though nothing as happened.

Salespeople are easy to turn down. Think of how many times you walk by that lame hair straightener kiosk in the mall and "suddenly have an emergency phone call", or "need to stare at the Abercrombie store for ten minutes". I have used every trick in the book to avoid eye contact and keep walking. The thing is that they aren't stupid. The next time they most likely will simply try harder to gain your attention, not take the hint. That is because they need you to buy into their product. They have the motivation of convincing you that you NEED it. But what if it runs a little bit more personal than that?

I call this "motipulation" the motive of manipulating someone in order to gain something from them.

I have motipulated several times in my day. I was driving home from California a few years ago and sped my way through a construction zone a few exits away from my house. Now before you roll your eyes at the next part of the story, you have to know that I genuinely was honest. An officer pulled me over, and a few seconds into talking with him I broke down. Tears began running down my face as I had explained the horrific accident my friend and I were in on our way home from school, and that all I wanted was to get home as soon as possible. I didn't lie, in fact the tears were rather real because cops kind of freak me out...but I didn't have to create such a scene over it and for that I deem myself as a situational-motipulator.

*Yes, I got off that time for the ticket. The cop understood (praise God!) and I was on my way. For the record though, my motipulation stopped with cops after that day, and landed me with a fatty ticket last week for forgetting there is a school zone on my way home so don't judge, God is just.

The thing I learned though is that sometimes the BEST motipulation is created in using the truth. Things are far more convincing when you have actual support to back you up. Now before I hate on a few Christian authors that could easily summarize my point, I'm going to go another route. Have you ever watched a documentary that leaves you feeling like you need to act at the end of it? I watched Food, Inc. when I was in New Zealand and honestly don't really touch fast food since. I still do the occasional Chic-Fil-A run sometimes at school, but other than that it just doesn't interest me anymore.

Some documentaries are very accurate, and really do create urgency to act in response to them. Others though leave people feeling entirely depressed, hopeless, and utilize emotional stimulating music and pictures to drive people to respond to them. This is what leaves me feeling a little irritated. Suddenly, sharing the truth isn't enough. It isn't like the puppy commercials on television could simply tell you of the local adoption agencies in your area, show you a few clips of puppies that have found good homes, and let it be. No, they have to put on some tear-jerking Titanic end-scene sounding music and flash pictures of abused and dogs a few days away from death to get you to call a toll free number and give money to the cause.

We have become so desensitized to real problems, that people are finding marketing far more easier if they pull us in by something deeper...our emotions.

A few years ago in high school I was in a situation in which I was motipulated. It was my first real coffee date. I was so excited because the guy that asked me out had to be one of the hottest guys I had ever met. He was handsome, his eyes were bright blue and his smile could melt the hearts of girls miles and miles away. It wasn' t even just that, but the minute we got in the car and he held my hand I felt...electricity of some sort. He took me to get Dutch Bros. and then pulled off to a park parking lot.

I remember the seriously terrible feeling I had, and the sickening putting away of that feeling that I did in the moment. I knew that this was the best I could ever get, and so I was willing to listen. He started by telling me something very emotionally connecting. Girls, sometimes we need to be careful in sharing our testimonies, or life events with the opposite sex, not that every man is as terrible as this one in that regard, but you need to understand that if you connect emotionally with someone it is far more difficult to keep physical boundaries in place. He talked about his relationship with his dad, in a way that not only made me feel comfortable but like I was special...thinking he probably hasn't told anyone that before. (This is also a trigger statement. If a guy shares that he hasn't told anyone else something in the first hour of meeting you, you need to check your intimacy radar and make sure that you are staying on a friendly basis.)

He then used my own life experiences against me. He knew that I was very passionate about saving my first kiss and told me that I was such a "good girl". He asked me to sit in the back seat with him. I moved into the back and he started telling me that I would be entirely worthless in the future if I didn't know how to "do things" with guys. He then proposed that he could teach me, but I told him I wasn't interested. A few minutes more and he started making me feel entirely guilty for even going out with him in the first place if I hadn't planned on doing anything. I told him that I should probably get going, but he didn't want to hear what I had to say.

The next part of the story is one for the record books...and one that I share with women and women alone so I unfortunately will go no further than my minor explanation here. He made me feel like he was entirely right in all that he had to say. I really shouldn't have gone out with him if I wasn't willing to do things. I mean...he is a guy...and I am a girl...so it made perfect sense. Also, he used my insecurity of not knowing how to do things to his advantage, by reminding me that he could "help" me. He also had this way of making me feel like I could keep my purity in tact but that all I had to do was partake in a few "meaningless things" that he made me do next. Nothing that I feel shame for given that I didn't lose anything valuable that night physically, but I definitely lost some solid mental points that I carried with me through the next six years of my life.

I believed him. As I sit here now writing to you about my past, I honestly don't think he even remembers my name to this day. I lost contact with him back in high school, and don't really know where he is anymore. I was motipulated. The worst part...I took his principles and applied them to the next few men I met in my life. I motipulated them, just as he taught me how.

See, if we aren't careful we can be manipulated by partial truth. The sad thing is that we so badly want to believe in the truthful parts of what someone is proposing, that we kind of ignore the rest. I've done this time and time again when listening to a good sermon or class discussion. I stop discerning between right and wrong and just think it all sounds great. It has seriously put a damper on my relationship history though. I still remained single up until this past October, but that didn't mean that I didn't motipulate time and time again as a result of that one instance.

We need to know that manipulation is real, and you can even be manipulating someone in your own life right now. Girls this doesn't even have to be physical. Emotionally, sometimes I think we get so caught up in wanting to hear the right thing that we passive aggressively will hint at it over and over again with our loved ones. Then, when they don't say it, we suddenly become bitter and hold grudges that THEY HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT. It isn't fair and it isn't right. Someone can't even apologize for something they don't know about. Even then, it isn't really necessarily their fault if you've created something to be angry about in the first place.

I am currently realizing that guys have their own timing in things. Some want to rush far more than others, but for me I've been blessed with a man who takes his time in all that he does. I am not about to jump the beautiful unveiling of certain parts of our relationship just because I can manipulate it out of him. We are SO GOOD at manipulating. It isn't because guys are dumb, it is because they want to believe the best option as well. If we are willing to present ourselves as trusting, yet twist circumstances to get our desired outcome we should not even be in relationships with them in the first place. That in no way is acting as a sister in Christ, let alone a girlfriend.

I say this all to you tonight because I think that we need to start recognizing manipulation for what it is...an art. It is tough because I am such a people pleaser that I have been called out time and time again for manipulating when I really genuinely had no idea I was doing it. I have now recognized when I am and have moved away from doing it altogether. It took a very long process of calling upon the Lord for a spirit of discernment, asking my friends to hold me accountable, and checking my motivations when doing something for someone.

Please, do yourself a favor and BECOME AWARE now, especially if you are currently in a relationship.

If we can't recognize it in ourselves, we have a very little chance of seeing it in other people, and you can end up getting yourselves into situations as I was in that night. Yes, I was manipulated, but that didn't stop me from allowing myself to be manipulated time and time again for years to come due to my lack of recognizing the true problem.

I pray that this makes sense to you, because it will extend so far beyond your love relationships. I am a college student. Do you know how easy it is to manipulate professors into letting you turn in assignments late? I went through two years of being a very shady student. I then suffered the cost of having to own up to my manipulation before returning my junior year. It was embarrassing, and took a long, long, long journey of mending those relationships. The last two semesters I have excelled in my ministry classes, met with those professors, and been vulnerable enough for them to know my heart. The satisfaction of knowing that they have full trust in me again is wonderful, so wonderful I never want to lose it again.

Ask yourself, is motipulation something that is even on your radar? If so, can you recognize it in yourself?

The first part is recognizing what it is and the hold it can have on our hearts. The second is knowing what to do with it.

I have had to put boundaries on my life to avoid manipulating at all. For starters, I have a curfew. I don't hang out late at night with guys anymore, even before I was dating Shea. I also have learned to gain trust by being a trustworthy woman. I don't tell people how great I am through the art of convincing. I let my actions speak louder than my words. Of course I still fail...the worst part is being a great artist and not practicing your craft. The best thing though is that that type of art is of the enemy alone, and I will not partake in it. Praise God for His strength to rise above my own sinful nature and to pursue a life free of manipulation.

So, today, much like that day a year ago in the classroom, I choose to live a life with relationships free of MOTIPULATION.

Care to join?

Love,

Kendra